Chapter Text
Slay the Princess Spire.
“This is really it, whatever happens next will be completely new.” Reflected a Princess who was neither wholly mortal nor wholly divine.
“Well one thing won’t be new… the love I have for you.” Answered a Knight who was neither wholly man nor wholly bird.
“I, love you to.” The princess responded tenderly.
“But I’m trying not be sappy about it, don’t make me get all emotional.” She abruptly added, her tone flippant yet still affectionate.
A pink fleshy arm placed itself atop the door handle, and a moment later it was silently joined by one that bore several not quite reptilian scales.
This was it. This was what they’d both yearned for, freedom. Freedom from the voice that had been trying to define them as simple shallow beings enacting utterly rote roles in a story. Freedom from this cabin that had served as one’s prison and the others utterly inevitable destination for so long. Freedom even from the heavy burden that was their own divinity.
Their muscles tensed in unison and then they left the cabin for the last time.
They stepped out of one building, and straight into another.
Instead of finding themselves on a path in the woods they found themselves inside a massive stone room with dull orange brick for the walls and a brownish gray color for the floor.
This wasn’t like anywhere either the Knight or the Princess had seen before.
It was also home to the first actual living being besides each other (not counting plants) that either the Knight or Princess could remember seeing in either of their many lives. That alone was enough of a shock… but then there was the not so little matter of how the being in question was a cerulean whale with six glowing yellow eyes that seemed quite content to simply lay on the building’s floor.
“Hello… again….” The whale boomed out to them.
“Huh, I’m usually on the other end of this conversation… but I don’t think we’ve actually met before.” The Knight tentatively informed the whale.
Before the already quite confusing conversation could continue any further the Princess suddenly released a cry of shock, gritting her teeth as she half crumpled over, forced to brace herself against a wall with one hand.
The Knight turned his attention away from the whale and instead raced to his companion's side.
“This place makes me feel wrong….” She gasped while leaning against him for support.
“What kind of wrong, exactly?” The Knight couldn’t help but ask.
Considering all that they’d been through it was a quite salient question.
“At the risk of retreading old ground with water metaphors… I’m supposed to be a pond, but in here I suddenly feel like an estuary. I’m still myself, but I can feel all these tiny trickles from other sources flowing into me...”
“Are they actually speaking to you? Because if they are, I think I might be able to relate...” The Knight pointed out, his mind racing back to some of the more absurd and multisided conversation he’d had with “himself” in the past.
“No. It’s not their voices, its… their power… I can feel a little of all of them in me.”
“If you want end her pain, you must slay the Heart.” The whale abruptly advised.
Once he was sure that the Princess could stand on her own the Knight turned his attention away from the her and marched straight up to the whale’s massive maw, which also seemed a bit more jagged then should have been for an animal that supposedly ate defenseless plankton.
“Oh, so we have met before. Listen you were a lot less of a whale less time around, but even if you’re going to argue that it’s for her own good, my days of driving pristine blades into her pristine flesh are over.” He insisted while pondering if there was anyway he could meaningfully hurt the gigantic monster whale before him.
“Not her heart. The Spire’s Heart.” The whale clarified, its voice projecting the kind of powerful aura that made the capitalization of letters an audible affair.
“Ah.” The Knight amended his previous vow, as confusion once more outweighed anger.
That was when he noticed it. He was so used to having multiple different voices shouting inside his head that he’d never realized just how keen his sense of hearing was once it was finally allowed to function without being forced to monitor conversations only he could hear. The floor that he was standing on… this entire building… it was alive.
“tu-thump. tu-thump. tu-thump.”
No sound that quiet should have been able to resonate with such intensity.
“Do not let your eyes fool you, you do not see walls, you do not see floors. What you see are arteries and veins, through which magic is pumped to the to the highest floor where the Heart resides. The Heart in turn uses them to pump its corrupting influence into the Spire, making it grow ever larger, until it can consume everything. The Heart already knows you are here… inevitably you will submit to its influence unless you win your freedom first. There can be no escape while the Heart still beats.” The whale explained, for a given definition of the term.
“So to sum things up… I’m trapped in a Spire. And in the attic of that Spire, is a heart. I’m here to slay it. And if I don't, it will be the end of the world?” The Knight suggested.
“An acceptable summation.” The whale agreed.
The knight buried his face in his hands.
“Isn’t there anything you can do to help us?” The Princess demanded of the whale.
There was a soft tinkling sound as a pristine blade dropped to the floor at the Knight’s feet, managing to remain utterly unchipped and unsullied by the impact.
“Take my blessing and ascend the Spire.”
Hero Specific Relic: The Pristine Blade.
Effect: The first time you take damage each turn, add a voice card from your deck, or if that is not possible your discard pile, to your hand.
The Knight retrieved the very familiar weapon from where it had landed, then he and the Princess exchanged pained glances.
“So, stab the whale and look for another way out of here, or go on yet another crazy quest that we have no way of knowing won’t turn out to be the result of some unknown cosmic power leading us around like puppets on a string?” The Knight laid out their options.
Except the moment he glanced back in the whale’s direction he discovered that the blue behemoth had completely vanished, leaving them alone in the room.
A room whose only exit was now revealed, without the whale sitting in the way there was a single set of stone stairs which leading upwards to some unknown destination.
“Is it genuinely too late to rethink the entire godhood thing? Because I have to admit… a little divine power would probably go a long way towards making life less irritating right about now.” Grumbled the Knight.
This time it was the Princess’ hand that came to rest atop the Knight’s in a show of solidarity.
“Even this, I’d still rather face it as you and me than as the Long Quiet and the Shifting Mound.” She insisted.
/Nor shall you faces these challenges alone, not while so much as a single ounce of energy still resides within my being!\ A familiar voice declared with the unshakeable determination of someone who had once used “the strength of true love” to convince a locked door that it would actually open at the gentlest push.
Voice of The Smitten:
Card Type: Skill.
Energy Cost: 0.
Effect: Gain one strength and one dexterity. Gain debuffs that causes you to lose one strength and dexterity at the end of your turn. The next princess card you play this turn costs one less.
Upgraded Version: Gain two strength and two dexterity. Gain debuffs that causes you to lose two strength and dexterity at the end of your turn. The next princess card you play this turn costs two less.
“And to think I was just used to my private thoughts being genuinely private for once.” Sighed the Knight.
“Hi Smitten.” Chirped the Princess.
/Ah, what greater boon could ever be granted than to be recognized by the lady who has so utterly won my heart?\
“Wait, you can hear him too?” The Knight had already been through a great many strange things, but this was another new one.
“Remember what I said about feeling like there’s a little of all of my other versions power in me? Well when I was...” The Princess paused and held up a hand as high as it would go above her own head.
It only took the Knight a brief moment to catch on.
“Room sized goddess? As opposed to mountain sized goddess, just to be clear...”
“Yeah, her. When I was in that form, I could see the other voices talking inside your head. So, now I can again.”
Considering everything that the Knight and the Princess had been through together over the course of the last… extremely unspecific period of time… this was reasonably lucid conversation for two/three of them.
“You know what. It’s actually kind of nice to know that you can hear him too.” The Knight decided after a moment’s reflection.
There was something strangely comforting about knowing that the voices in his head weren’t actually all in his head.
/And now, lest we leave our beloved to languish in suffering the likes of which should never befall one so fair as she, we must be off!\ The Smitten advised.
“At least the path in the woods didn’t start throwing up walls at me until I tried to wander around...” The Knight lamented as indeed there was no contesting the Spire’s straightforward design; they could either stay where they were or they could take the singular set of stairs offered to them.
Hand in hand the Knight and Princess climbed upwards into the unknown together.
End Chapter.
Author’s Notes: While The Tower only directly interacts with the Narrator, if you enter without the pristine blade she does describe your mind with "Confused. Meek. A chorus of submissive indecision" right after the Broken speaks, which to me feels like she's aware of the Broken's presence /activity in your mind and at least roughly knows what he's saying/thinking.
Sadly, I also don’t have the correct skills to actually write a Slay the Spire mod for Slay the Princess, especially not one that is genuinely balanced, even if I have spent over a thousand hours of my life playing the base game and various mods.
What I do have however is enough free time that I can write this stupid idea down and pepper it with cards that are probably going to be all but unquestionably overpowered, especially once they start getting used synergetically.
Finally, yes technically I could have designed a Pristine Blade relic that had something to do with inflicting damage… but decided instead it would be more thematically interesting (and with “The Knight’s” playstyle more powerful) to have a relic that reflected the Protagonist’s ability to gain new voices every time they die. So instead you get a version of the Centennial Puzzle that only draws one card, but on the other hand can be used multiple times per fight and also tutors for a particular card type.