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Kalim finds comfort in his food. He loves when it's spicy, even if it burns his tongue. He loves when it's sour, even if it makes him scrunch his face. He loves when it's sweet even if it causes him cavities.
That was when he was 9.
Now that he is 17, he can't find any remnants of that comfort anymore. And he hates it, he hates he can't eat food as easily as his other peers. He hates that he struggles to thank the chefs while thinking that they could've poisoned his food. He hates that he needs to study the food carefully, because 1 bite could have him chained up in a hospital bed.
He wants to forget the times he has been poisoned, he wants to try. Try to be happy about being given food from his friends. It's not fair, it's not fair that they prepare food for Kalim just for him to deny and push it back to them. It's not fair that people spend their time and money making him food, he should be happy.
Not even happy, he should be grateful because he knows that there are people in the world who can't even afford to eat. So why can't he? Why can't he just shove it down his throat and smile? Why does he shake and tremble at the sight of it? It's not fair, it's not fair to him.
•~•
He never shows it, in his smiles and in his laughter. He doesn't show his discomfort, his distrust of Jamil, but Jamil can tell. And oh, does it hurt. Jamil doesn't know why, why it hurts him when he sees Kalim struggling with his food. If anything, he should be happy, happy that this brat is finally getting the message that they aren't friends. If not happy, he should be annoyed, since he always has to watch him eat with hesitancy and wait for him to finish. But he feels hurt, hurt by the fact that the atmosphere around Kalim dims in his food, in his activities, in his presence.
He hates that it hurts him, because he didn't just spend months planning on overthrowing Kalim just for him to feel guilty of the fact. He didn't spend years hating the inequalities of their lives just to pray for Kalims trust back. He— he didn't spend so much time making sure Kalim was happy and safe just for him to overthink Jamils years of actions through.
But Kalim has a reason to overthink everything that Jamil has built up on. Their memories, their time together, their 'friendship' even. If all of that were lies then.. what was the point of all the years of being friends with Jamil?
And that's when Jamil realizes, Kalim does have a good reason to overthink things. But what right does Kalim have to assume it was all lies? That all his actions didn't have any care in them? It's not like they did but the fact that he assumed everything they had was a lie hurt. Was it all a lie?
•~•
Kalim wakes up all groggy and shaky. He doesn't know why, he feels like a fever is coming on. He feels sick. But he sucks it up and decides to force himself to sit up. His body is covered in sweat, and his eyes feel teary. He pushes himself off the bed, his whole body screaming at him to go back and rest.
But he can't, he can't afford to lazy around, he has a housewarden meeting this afternoon and he has to prepare for the upcoming events this month. If he rests now then he'll be giving all that responsibility to Jamil, and he can't do that. He can't keep doing that, he needs to learn how to be responsible and independent. But each step Kalim takes to the bathroom causes a surge of pain and discomfort to go through his body. He is sweating profusely and he feels like he can melt from the heat in any second now.
Eventually, he makes it inside the bathroom, but it feels wrong. He looks directly at the mirror, directly at himself. He has eyebags, his eyes are red and puffy. His body is slumped to hold on to his stomach. He looks horrible and he feels like this is all some big joke.
If they could all see him now, see how pathetic he looks, they'd all laugh. Laugh at how incompetent of a housewarden he is. Laugh at how unsightful of a future sultan he will become as the first born. Laugh at how awful he is at even the most basic tasks. If anyone sees him like this, all broken and sickly. He'd definitely hear their hushed whispers become laughs of judgements. And he would have to face it all alone. Because he always has been alone, hasn't he? His family aims to kill him, his friends see him as a cash bag and the one person he thought to be the closest with, hated him.
And thats when he felt it. The feeling of vile climbing up his throat and he knows it isn't because of poison. But because he just wants it all to stop. He scurries to the toilet and vomits it out. Vomits his dinner and possibly his lunch from yesterday with the amount of vomit he is puking. It won't stop, he doesn't try to. It feels comforting. To let something out, to get rid of the feeling in his stomach. The feelings never go away, they never do. But the pain helps, makes him feel like he is giving them justice. Because he deserves this.
"–im..?"
He deserves every bit of pain he goes through.
"—lim"
He deserves all the poisonings and sufferings.
"—alim!"
Because what kind of person deserves to live happily if all they do is cause others suffering and pain?
"KALIM!"
He feels a pair of hands hold him and a warm body being close to his. And he knows who it is, he knows from just the hands themselves. Kalim has felt this many times before, but instead of the comfort it once gave him. It made him want to kill himself. He dares not to look at the person, he can't bring himself too. Although the vomiting has stopped, he feels like curling himself into a little ball, wanting to be forgotten from the rest of the world.
Kalim let's his hands fall down the toilet seat. He is heaving and struggling to get back to reality. He can't stop crying, he doesn't even realize he is, he just wants it all to go away. He wants to go away from here. Kalim can feel the person next to him brush his hair away from his eyes, but Kalim reacts by looking away. He nudges himself away from the person. He is hugging himself, as if he is comforting a small child. It hurts too much.
•~•
Jamil is taken aback, by the way Kalim was puking just a moment ago and now is moving away from his touch. The Kalim he once knew looked completely different from the Kalim he is seeing now. Kalim looked so so broken. His hair is all over the place, his eyes are red and puffy, his body is shaking violently but he makes no noise. Despite the tears running down his cheeks, he doesn't make any noise. And there was silence for a while, until Kalim broke it.
"I—I'm...I'm ok...y-you can go.." He said in a quiet and horsed voice. And Jamil freezes, why is he hesitating? It's not like he cares anyways. They aren't master-servant anymore yet here he is at Kalims aid. Is he always destined to be right beside him? He doesn't even want to be with him, so why does it pain him to be away from his hurt friend.
"Kalim, you just puked down the toilet and your body is shaking, let me hel—" Jamil insisted but Kalim just smacks his reached out hand away. Jamil froze, in terror. This is the first time Kalim has ever rejected him in any sense. Never in food, in studies, or in anything. And it scares him to know Kalim is capable of such thing.
"N-no no...I'm fine, I'm really....just...leave me alone. I-I don't need you" Kalim says pitifully. And that cracks Jamils heart. He stands up abruptly. Angered by the absurdity of this situation. Then he opens his mouth without thinking.
"I offer you help and you DARE to deny it? After all this time, have you still not realize how much you do need me? I guess you finally lost your mind now hah.." Jamil laughs though his face has a nasty frown plastered on it, as if he is the one being taunted here. He continues, "Throwing me away like some piece of trash when you're clearly suffering, you almost had me fooled that you're doing fine when you AREN'T AT ALL. Fine, be that way, let's see how long you actually last without me".
Jamil exits the bathroom and goes outside of Kalims room, slamming the door shut. A loud slam can be heard echoing through the halls of the dorm. They are most especially loud in Kalims room, where he flinches and groans in pain and misery. Kalim just needs to force himself to move, to just move. He needs to work, he has to.
•~•
It's been days since Jamil had shouted at him, and he had never been this worried. He has never ever saw Kalim even going out of his room. When he asks other people, they all say they have atleast seen him once, which makes him think Kalim is full-on avoiding him. Now that he thinks about it, the image irks more than anything, the image of Kalim having to look around to see if Jamil would be around just to go the opposite way. He even switched classes in order to not see Jamil.
He feels guilty, and fuck it hurts. Is this what Kalim has been feeling? The guilt building up and making you think that you can't fix anything anymore? Is this what he felt after Jamil shouted all those venomous words to him during his overblot? There's no way... If the guilt was eating Jamil alive then Kalim would've been drowning by now.
...
No wonder his reaction to when Jamil tried to help him was to move away, to block himself from him. Like he was the plague in Jamils life. It was a typical reaction afterall, when the person you cared for screamed at you for always being having to care or needing to take care of you... of course they'd want to prove they can do it alone. Of course Kalim would do that, the very thing he hates the most is making people unhappy, and he'd do anything to make people happy.
Even if it kills him. Even if it means dealing with his problems alone. Even if it means he will never be happy again. He lives on the very meaning of people pleaser, even if he doesn't mean to. Shit, he needs to talk to Kalim about this, this isn't right. This isn't healthy, he needs to talk to him.
•~•
It was a Saturday afternoon, Kalim has been avoiding Jamil all morning. Mostly by spending time in his room. And while Jamils stomach turns at the thought of facing their built up problems, he knows this is necessary. He needs to do this, for Kalim.
He walks towards Kalims room. Each step echoing in the empty hallway, he feels himself feel nauseous, he doesn't dwell on it. And when he finally reaches the big golden doors, he feels like he is being judged. Like the other side of the door has a secret he couldn't know. It was... scary, it was scary even when he knows Kalim is on the other side.
It was scary because he didn't know what state Kalim was in.
Jamil knocks, once. "Kalim?" He calls softly, he curses how vulnerable it sounded but it was probably for the best. When he received no reply, he knocked again, and again. No reply.
...
He has no right to open the door since they aren't master‐servant anymore. They're just classmates now. But he feels uneasy by the silence on the other side, it's like a white noise is telling him to open the door. And he listens, he forgives himself for following his greed just this once. The door opens with one swing of his magical pen. It creaks, the sound being similar to those in horror movies. He steps inside quietly, and what he sees makes his heart ache.
Kalim is there on the bed, shaking, crying. But he is silent, so so silent. His eyes are closed, he seems to be asleep. But his knees reach to his chest, his arms wrap around himself as if scared. What is he scared of?
Jamil freezes, what can he do? What could he do? If anyone finds out he is here without permission, they'd see him as a stalker. What would Kalim think if he wakes up now? This was a bad idea, he shouldn't have came here, not now anyway. What is with him and making impulsive decisions? He never was the type. But now he keeps making them left and right, it frustrates him to no end.
The worst part is that he isn't unfamiliar to these types of nightmares. The type that makes you shake and scream, that no matter how hard you cry and try, you can't escape them. He used to have them a lot when he was a tween. It was chilling, because his nightmares were always about him either being thrown out because of his disappointed family or because of the Al-Asims who have found out about his long lasting hatred for their son. Each time though, Kalim would always be by his side and comfort him, whether it be hugs or moving his hand up and down his back. Even when his hatred for him was at its peak during his teens, he felt himself feeling safe with his presence.
Ah... I see now.
•~•
Kalim feels like he is choking, choking on water, choking up poison. Kalim feels like he is drowning, freezing at the coldness of water, his eyes are blurry. He feels incomplete. He feels broken. And when he is faced with another version of himself, all black, bleeding with ink, thats when he knew there was never any hope for him in the first place. Then, as if being pulled out of water, Kalim wakes up. And he feels someones presence near him. He dares not open his eyes, he dares not take a breath in. He is scared, scared of what this person can do to him. But all those worries disappear when he felt a hand pat his head. Soft, gentle, safe. Kalim feels himself relax and takes a deep breath. He hears a melody of a song his mom used to sing him when he was just a kid.
He doesn't know who it is. Or maybe he does, but can't accept the kindness just yet. But he just goes back to sleep. And rather than the feeling of choking or drowning, he feels free and safe. He thanks the person beside him, for giving him atleast a moment of peace.
•~•
He was always there for him during his time of needs. Whether it be simple things like needing help preparing a party, or helping him with nightmares. Even when Kalim was cause of his suffering, Kalim would give anything to get rid of his. And when he realizes this, his body moves naturally to take a seat next to his bed. He pats Kalims head and hums a melody familiar to him. He hopes, at the very least, this can lessen his burden and help him sleep peacefully.
He sees Kalim take a deep breath and slowly stop shaking. His breathing then turns slow and soft, indicating he is asleep. And instead of trembling in his sleep, he is peaceful. Jamil doesn't even realize he is smiling, it's a faint one sure but it's a smile none the less. And he will stay there, until Kalim will wake up. He doesn't have to but it weirdly makes him happy, to know that Kalim is doing OK too.
He then realizes something too. The pain, the suffering, and everything in between. Was it really Kalims fault? He was born to inherit the Throne but he never asked to be born. He never asked to be born with money or a happy family, and yet he was. And despite Kalim having every right to denounce Jamil as a servant, as a slave, he doesn't even think of Jamil as lower than him. He always has seen him as his equal, and he never did anything to abuse his power. If anything, he was just a child who was handed an unfortunate circumstance.
He didn't ask for this too. And even if he did, Jamil couldn't imagine anyone else more deserving of a luxurious life other than Kalim.
And he stops patting his hand on Kalims head. Holy shit was he blind. He knew his feelings of anger and hatred were valid but he used it as a weapon against someone who had nothing to contribute to his pain. He– he basically let out his anger on Kalim cause he was an easy target.
...
Shit
•~•
Kalim woke up, not in the typical slow waking up kind of way but it was sudden and abrupt. The first thing he noticed was a /concerned/ confused looking Jamil looking back at him. He was checking his body temperature, making sure he didn't have any fever. There was silence, neither wanted to speak. But when Jamil placed a hand on Kalims cheek, caressing it with care, Kalim couldn't help but let a few tears slip out.
Jamil panicked, thinking Kalim would want some space and wants to be away from him. But instead, Kalim snuggles into the touch, like it's been years since he has ever received some kindness. And maybe there is some truth to that, but that's not important now. Kalim cries, softly and quietly as Jamil takes action to wipe his tears away every few seconds. And it was just that, a peaceful storm. Jamil is relieved, not because he is crying, but because Kalim is finally letting his emotions out. He may not seem like it, but Jamil knows that Kalim can't always be happy. Especially knowing his life, but he was just used to Kalim brushing it off that he didn't even bother to think it was a problem anymore. And that scares him because...
Just how long did Kalim have to keep his emotions bottled up? How long did he have to pretend to be happy and ok?
Jamil doesn't want to dwell on it too much, because it reminds him a lot of himself. And because it brings so much guilt to his heart. So he focuses on consoling Kalim instead. Jamil slowly stands up, removing his hand from his cheek, making Kalim freeze in terror. Thinking he did something wrong, like he broke the spell they were in, Jamils hurt face speaks for itself. Jamil slowly goes around and joins Kalim on the bed. He makes sure to make everything proper and comfortable for the both of them. He then pulls a confused and flustered Kalim to his chest.
He wraps his arms around Kalim, stroking his back and massaging his head with his other hand. And Kalim stays silent for a while, before fully bawling his eyes out. And Jamil stays there, they both say nothing. Only the faint murmur of other students across the halls can be heard. But despite it all, it felt like a promise. A promise that Jamil will never leave him again. That Jamil will try better. A promise that they will both try better. And Jamil holds him for as long as Kalim needs to.
"Jamil..." Kalim calls out in a hushed and hoarsed voice. Jamil just hums, indicating that he is listening. Kalim pulls away from the hug, wiping his tears away. And Jamil helps him out, feeling slightly happy to squish his soft cheeks again. "I'm sorry..." Kalim says abruptly, a little too abruptly.
"I... I'm sorry for everything.... for your pain, for your sufferings, for everything you had to deal with. I– I didn't know and if I did... I would've done everything to stop this, to stop everything. I just thought.. I thought we were happy, I thought you were happy. It must've been so tiring. I'm sorry, I'm really sorry."
He says while looking down to his feet. And the bed he is laying on suddenly feels less comfortable and more invasive. He feels his breath speeding up as his world turns black, like everything is crumbling down. And he supposes it is, because Jamil will probably shout at him for even thinking he would forgive Kalim. Because Jamil would probably turn away and not talk to him again. But it's been eating him up, he feels like he atleast owes him a good apology unlike the one he gave when Jamil first woke up after his overblot.
Instead, he feels a pair hands cupping his face. Like a breath of fresh air, like the smell of freshly cut grass. It was calm, it was soft, it was safe. And Kalim dares to look up, and he sees Jamil smiling. Smiling pitifully sure, but smiling. Smiling at Kalim. And he stroked his cheeks, as if trying to soothe him, trying to calm him down. Kalim is confused, he doesn't know why Jamil is doing this, but it works. The world seems to go back to normal, like an eraser erasing the blots of a pencil. Kalim takes deep calculated breaths, he doesn't know why but... it feels like everything will be alright. Once Jamil realizes Kalim is ok, he takes a shallow nervous breath, then opens his mouth.
"Kalim, no I—"
He curses himself for stuttering, but he knows he has to say something.
"Kalim, it wasn't your fault. You didn't do anything wrong. What I went through, what you went through– we didn't deserve it, not even a percent of it. But how I handled my situation, it wasn't fair. It wasn't fair to you."
And Kalim was perplexed by his words, he opens his mouth to contradict him but Jamil immediately shushes him.
"No, I won't take any rejections because it is true... I took out my anger on you, when you had nothing to do with how we were raised. You didn't know, I lied to you. And even if you did know, I doubt there was something you could've done back then. I had nothing to release my anger on, so I took it all out on you. My feelings were valid but my actions never were, Kalim. You didn't do anything wrong, and I don't blame you for the naivity of our relationship back then. I'm sorry, I'm sorry for the pain I caused you during my overblot. And I'm sorry for causing you pain even now. I would've never overblotted if I knew it'd make you overthink everything we went through. I dont hate you. I hated what role you had, what role I had, but I dont hate you. I never did, so can we please just... restart?"
Silence, eerie silence. Kalim doenst say anything, and it makes Jamil nervous. Maybe it was wrong to say everything in the first place. Maybe it was wrong to try and say sorry. Of course he wouldn't forgive him after almost killing him and deceiving him for so long. Maybe it was best to just keep quiet? But he would've still thought it was his own fault when it wasn't, what else was he supposed to do? It's not like he couldve—
"...really?"
A small broken voice pierced through his thoughts. He blinks, he blinks again, he sees Kalim tearing up. And he panics cause he thinks he did something wrong.
"W-wait! OK maybe I said it wrong– what I'm trying to say is—"
And he gets cut off as a crying Kalim bursts out in tears. Blabbering nonsense as he tries to wipe his tears away. And Jamil sees that he looks relived, which makes him even more confused on what to do. So he just settles on holding his cheeks again and wiping all his tears away. They stay like that for a while, until Kalim can finally calm down. Once he does, he smiles gently at Jamil. Like Jamil is the most precious thing he has ever seen. And knowing Kalim, it might as well be true.
"I'm— I'm just glad you don't hate me. A-and you're right! I didn't deserve any of that! I still haven't punch you like I said I would to Azul when we defeated you!"
Jamil was taken aback, Azul?– Punching?– Kalim?– There's no way Kalim would've punched him, but he must've been too glad Jamil was alive back then to worry about it.
"..I probably deserved that punch, and much more. But... yea whatever, I just— Fuck, words are hard"
He exclaimed annoyed while Kalim let off the most cutest laugh he has ever heard.
"Just- I hope this helps you in whatever you got going on with you. I understand if trust... isn't something you can give me freely after everything but I hope you know that I'm here now. And I plan on staying! For as long as I live and more!"
Jamil practically shouts out the last bit in embarrassment, noting it sounds way too close to a confession. And Kalim smiles so brightly at his words, the sun wouldn't even come close to the light Kalim is giving off at this very moment. They stay there, cuddling with eachother in bed, talking about anything and everything. They'll fight, they'll cry, but they'll get to talk through them all. They'll communicate, and they'll make it work.
It was finally OK, they were finally ok.
•~•
The students of Scarabia around the school have spread a rumor, a rumor concerning a certain sultan and servant– well equal as they have now told everybody. The students thought they would've been more apart after the whole Overblot, but now they are closer than ever. Inseparable even, but instead of Kalim leading Jamil along to whatever he has planned or Jamil dragging Kalim away from any bad situation, they are seen holding hands and chatting away with eachother. Both lost in eachothers worlds.
Sure, most students found it cringey but they were both happy. And they'd rather them happy then the messed up uncommunicative people they were beforehand. Some say you could even see them sneaking off in eachothers rooms. Some students went in the next morning to find out what they were doing, only to find them both in eacothers arms and sleeping. Disappointing, but cute.
•~•
"Are we ever going to tell them we're dating Jamil..?"
Kalim asks as he lays his head on Jamils shoulder.
"I'm sure they already know, we weren't exactly that secretive about it."
Says Jamil as he strokes Kalims hair, urging Kalim to fall asleep. This was just a normal Sunday, a Sunday before they go back to working again for school. But they can atleast smile knowing their day ends with a cuddle buddy in bed. And it will always be that way, for the many future Sundays and Weekdays they have together. They have their issues, but they aren't dealing with them alone anymore. Kalim may have problems, but he can tell Jamil about them now. And Jamil may still have lingering issues, but he can tell Kalim about them now too.
The End.