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“Sorry, Dean. Um I just wanted to return this.”
“It's a gift. You keep those.”
The night had fallen, and the Winchester brothers were likely asleep. Typically, the Angel would be immersed in various lore readings to better aid them on hunts, but currently, he sat slumped in one of the oversized brown leather seats. The mixtape he had attempted to return to the older brother was now a constant presence in his hands, his half-lidded blue gaze fixated on it.
What was the meaning of a mixtape if he couldn't even listen to its contents?
Don't get him wrong. He cherished his first-ever gift, the one Dean had given him right after their "adventure" with Lily Sunders (did he use the air quotes correctly?). The Angel felt gratitude for the gesture, but he couldn't help but wonder about the significance of a mixtape. Cas closed his eyes, attempting to recall the moment when they had discussed mixtapes.
-
“You okay?”
“Yes, gradually getting better.”
Team Free Will was headed back to Lebanon, Kansas, to return home after bidding adieu to Lily. Before parting ways, Dean made it clear to Lily that if she ever came back for Castiel, he would chase her to the ends of the earth. Due to Cas' depleted energy, Sam offered him the front seat, but in reality, Sam just wanted to lie down for a bit in the backseat. The journey home was quiet, and Cas found himself craving some music after all that had happened. The atmosphere wasn't awkward, especially since Dean and Cas were conversing normally again. However, after everything that had unfolded and all the Angels that had been killed, Cas needed some distraction.
Taking matters into his own hands, Cas opened the glove compartment, surprising Sam. His hazel-colored eyes now shifted to his older brother. If Dean noticed, he didn't mention it, which was unusual. People touching his stuff without permission typically caused trouble, even with Sam occasionally. Seeing Dean not react right now was almost surreal.
The Angel grabbed a few mixtapes, sorting through them and reading the handwritten labels. He stopped when he read one particular label.
Mary’s Top 10 Zepp’ Traxx
“What does the double x stand for?” Cas wondered aloud, as he was contemplating to tell her later it was written with 'c k s'. Dean's gaze traced the mixtape, his teeth grazing his lower lip. He reached out, gingerly taking the mixtape from Cas' hands and putting it into the tape deck.
“No clue,” Dean muttered, turning on the tape deck. Sam restrained a smirk, knowing no one would see it because Dean sure as hell knew what it meant. “My mom made it when my parents were dating. My dad held onto it after her death. We weren’t allowed to touch it.”
Castiel looked at his hand as if it were burning. “Oh, I’m so-”
“'m not my dad.” Dean glanced through his rearview mirror, catching a glimpse of his baby brother with his eyes closed. The first Led Zeppelin song came on, which was also one of Dean’s favorites— Ramble On . Cas, in the meantime, studied the other mixtapes, observing the various kinds. Tapes were an amazing invention for the angel, especially now that he knew some people were sentimental about them. “Dude, don’t you have tapes? You’re looking at them as if you’ve never seen them.”
“I know about them. I don’t have them myself, but I like seeing the work humans have put into them,” Cas explained, stacking them up before carefully placing them back into the glove compartment. “I think picking out songs is tough,” he added, closing the glove compartment. “But that’s mostly because I don’t know which ones are good.”
Dean hummed, his grip on the steering wheel tighter than he realized. Stealing a glance at his brother, who appeared to be sleeping, Dean spoke again, his voice soft, "I don’t mind making one for you."
Cas’ icy blue eyes fixed on Dean's profile before the hunter turned his head, meeting the gaze of his Guardian Angel. A smile gradually appeared on the aforementioned Angel’s face.
“I’d like that.”
-
The prod of the stolen colt jabbed into Castiel’s thigh, snapping the Angel back to the present. With a few hours left before his appointment with Kelvin, Castiel realized he needed to make his exit before Dean discovered that he had swiped the colt from under his pillow.
Castiel opened his eyes when he heard a sound from the hallways, the mixtape still in his hands. Was one of the brothers awake? Before Cas could hide the mixtape away in his trenchcoat, Mary Winchester entered the library via the back, both wearing the same surprised expression.
“Cas! Hi. Are the boys asleep?”
“Yes, I believe so,” Castiel answered with a small cough. “Why aren’t you asleep?”
He asked, but he knew the answer when he saw Mary’s attire. Her hair was a mess, her face was covered with dirt, and her clothes were damaged. “I just finished a hunt.”
Mary’s attention landed on the mixtape in Castiel’s hand, who seemed a bit jittery about her noticing. “What you got there? Found a mixtape?”
“No, I didn’t find it. Dean made one for me some time ago, but I have no way of listening to it.”
Mary blinked a few times, registering that her eldest had made a mixtape for his Guardian Angel. Deciding not to dwell on it too much, a sweet smile resembling Sam's kindness spread across her face. "Let's go to the Impala and listen to it then."
Mary disappeared around the corner, prompting Cas to engage in a small internal debate. He needed to leave, but his curiosity about the mixtape won out, so he picked the latter. Jogging behind Mary, they entered the garage, and she opened the Impala, with Castiel following suit and taking the passenger seat.
"So Dean crafted a mixtape for you," she remarked, initiating the ignition while Cas toyed with the mixtape in his hand. Despite a hint of nervousness, he knew Dean wouldn’t find him here as quickly. As Mary pressed a button on the tape deck, a different mixtape got ejected. Mary gazed at the handwritten label, and a smile adorned her face. “Oh, this is my mixtape!” She placed it on the cockpit, and Castiel nodded almost imperceptibly. “I created it for John years ago. I knew he already knew every Led Zeppelin song, but I wanted him to know my top 10. We gradually fell in love listening to their songs in this car and well...”
Cas smiled at the melancholy as she recounted her past in a sing-song way, before she held her hand up for Cas’ tape. Feeling a bit hesitant, Cas finally placed the mixtape, which had gotten warm in his touch, onto Mary’s palm. Mary smiled, reading the handwritten label first, but her smile melted like snow before the sun.
“Oh,” she muttered.
“What?” Cas wondered, tilting his head. “Won’t it work?”
“N-No, it will,” she answered, placing the tape into the tape deck. “I just noticed something Dean had written. It’s nothing.”
Cas raised an eyebrow, but the first song already started, Fool in the Rain . The two of them were silent as they listened to the song. Mary was considering whether she should interfere, and knowing how bad her son was at discussing feelings, she decided to do it. After the first few seconds of silence, Mary asked:
“Has Dean explained the significance of gifting mixtapes?”
“No,” Castiel answered stoically, enjoying this song.
Mary smiled weakly, grabbing her mixtape and inspecting it as if she’d never seen it before. “When someone makes a mixtape, it has a lot of meanings. It could be for nostalgic reasons, expressing feelings, or a sign of commitment. Overall, when someone gives a mixtape, it’s something very… vulnerable.”
Castiel hummed a little, understanding what Mary meant, but he knew Dean made it for a different reason. “Dean said he made me one because I didn’t have one yet.”
Mary understood why the man next to her assumed that. The next song filling the car was Tangerine , and Castiel was listening intently. Mary decided to keep quiet until every song on the track finished playing, the last one being Thank You .
Castiel loved them all, and he hadn’t forgotten to listen to the lyrics, but he couldn’t help but wonder. “If this is Dean’s top 13, then where are Ramble On and Travelling Riverside Blues ?”
“I think he didn’t add them because they aren’t specific love songs.”
His azure blue eyes stared at the tape deck, as if it was about to catch on fire, because he definitely registered what Mary had just said. Castiel, a naive Angel who had just gotten the grasp of human emotions and implications, wasn’t stupid. “N-No, that’s not…”
Mary smiled, leaning forward to catch Castiel’s gaze, in which she succeeded. “Had he explained about the double x?”
“No, he said he didn’t know what it meant,” Cas muttered, suddenly feeling warm under his trenchcoat. The former Soldier was trying to act naive, not accepting that this was a mixtape with only love songs.
“He lied,” Mary said. “I explained it to the boys a few months ago because they thought it was a typo, but I did it deliberately. When texting, humans tend to shorten words by making abbreviations, or 'slang'. It makes texting easier and faster.”
“Like emoticons?”
“Exactly, like emoticons.”
“I like using emoticons.”
Mary’s smile widened, observing how this former Angel of the Lord, who defeated adversaries, was troubled to maintain his composure. “With this label, I tried to convey a particular message to John. I don’t precisely know how the abbreviation started. Maybe the x looks like puckered lips?” Cas’ heart leapt against his ribs, the grace in his body embracing it slightly. “But a double x means kisses. It could be platonically or romantically. The only thing I don’t get is why Dean picked 13 so-”
Interrupting herself, she noticed Cas had his head turned, leaving his expression unreadable, but he had made himself very small with his hands between his thighs and his head buried between his shoulders.
“I’ll leave you alone,” Mary said, ejecting the mixtape and placing it on Castiel’s lap, who only gave a small nod. She left the Impala after she grabbed the keys out of it, and she left the garage right after.
Castiel rubbed his hands over his fatigued face. Dean must have made a mistake in gifting him the wrong mixtape because he genuinely couldn’t imagine this to be true… The only thing Cas could do was ask Dean himself, but when was the right timing? His priority right now was saving Kelly from Dagon.
As Castiel was engrossed in thought and strolling through the hallways again, he noticed Mary must have gone to her room to give Cas his space. Just when Castiel was about to round the corner to go to the library, he halted when he heard familiar voices.
“Hey, come on, man. Get some sleep, all right? You're not gonna find Dagon tonight.”
“Dean, what if we've been going about this whole thing the wrong way, you know? I-I mean, we – we can't track Dagon, right? We know that. We've tried. But – but–”
They were still awake. Castiel rushed back through the hallways, the garage the only exit without being seen. Asking Dean now, with the colt concealed in his trenchcoat, was just stupid, but the right time to ask must be close.
But the right time never came.
Not when Lucifer ended Cas. Not when Cas was resurrected and met Jack, or during any of their cases because the right moment never presented itself. Certainly not after Jack killed Mary, nor in purgatory. Even for all the times Dean felt the mixtape poke his ribs whenever he hugged his Guardian Angel, the right moment still wasn’t there.
Or when the Empty claimed Cas from Dean.
The right time never came.