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Sometimes Beatrice thinks that she's nowhere near as confident as the image she presents to the rest of the world. People think she's bright and vivacious and cheerful and courageous and adventurous and self-assured and confident and doesn't let things scare her. And she is, mostly.
She's bravely fought eagles as she gets carried away and at that moment there's more exhilaration at facing the challenges of that instead of fear of being taken away. Jerome has been terrified as he watched her get carried away by the eagles, and he clutched to Jacques's left arm tightly. He's been worried sick about her even after she got back to The City safe and sound, and she had to reassure him that she's fine, really, no permanent damages, barely even temporary ones. But that's because she knows Mount Fraught and have been there more than a dozen times and has a deep knowledge on the landscapes and weather and how to survive it, and she's familiar enough with the eagles as well - although she's mainly a baticeer, VFD training has led her to having some basic knowledge on how to handle various different animals.
She's been on the Snicket taxi more times than she could count, at least half of the times with Kit driving, and unlike Jacques who always frowns at the way Kit drives and grumbles about the danger, Beatrice enjoys the thrills of the speed. They've gotten away from enemies chasing after them for many times.
She's volunteered for missions that others have found too risky and dangerous, eager for a challenge. She's faced off Esme in a fight that's gotten both of their pretty dresses torn up and emerges from it victorious - according to Beatrice herself, that is. Esme, as usual, has a different opinion, and as usual, she is wrong.
Beatrice is brave and confident and doesn't shy away from dangers or challenges. Physical complications are nothing that bothers her, despite her rather petite figure that Olaf teases her over regularly as if he isn't the one that's far taller than average.
Beatrice is brave and confident and that's not untrue, but it also, Beatrice thinks, isn't as true as people seem to think.
The truth is, Beatrice worries, too, about more than she ever says in front of others. And as the schism of the organization worsens and as the orders she receives seem occasionally not so noble, she wonders if VFD is doing the right things. She wonders if she's doing the right things.
Olaf, her best friend since childhood, has more and more complaints about the organization, these days. While he's always been labelled a troublemaker, causing chaos in classes and during their apprenticeships, these days what he's saying sounds less like a rebellion phase or just a kid throwing tantrums. It's less about simply being bored and deciding to make some troubles.
They both know that the enemies of the VFD walk the same city streets as they do, and the blurry lines of loyalty and people mixing between sides are not an unusual thing as the schism escalates, and naturally it's unavoidable to hear the rhetoric of the enemies. It's the waiters they meet in restaurants, working for the other side and actively trying to recruit current VFD volunteers. It's the journalists of Daily Punctilio publishing coded messages in their articles. It's the ex-volunteers that claim to have been wronged by VFD, asking the hard questions.
Beatrice has heard of those. Olaf has, too. Being rebellious and chaotic like he always is, instead of ignoring them like the organization has suggested or arguing back with VFD's own logic, he has been starting to listen to the other side's arguments. And he thinks that some of those actually make sense, that some questions really ought to be asked, ought to get answered.
Beatrice, of course, listens as well. Even though the organization's instructions were to not sympathize with the enemies. But Beatrice reasons that one can only understand how to defeat the enemies by understanding them first. She thinks that if VFD is truly in the right, than logic will show that, and there's no fear of getting corrupted by the enemies' argument. She's smart and logical and well-trained, simply listening to the other side's argument shouldn't so easily influence her if they're so wrong. And if we don't try to understand the enemies, how can we argue with them?
So Beatrice listens too. Paying attention to what they're saying, like Olaf does.
The scary thing is, like Olaf has said, some of those don't not make sense.
It leaves Beatrice feeling uncertain. Thrown. Off-balance. Wondering if what she's doing really is the right thing. Maybe it is, but is the enemy so wrong either? And after all, even people within the VFD has their own opinions on each subjects, sometimes wildly differing from each other. That's how it's always been.
Beatrice thinks about Lemony's criticisms of VFD, which has also made sense. Which she has also agreed with. She's joined his little group of volunteers, discreetly doing work that tries to change organization for the better.
A scary thought occurs to her - what if, the so-called enemies had once upon a time been volunteers who tried to make a difference, wanting to change from within and failed? Or got declared as traitors, and later enemies? If Lemony's group continues their work, would that be their future? If so, what does that say about the enemies?
But it's merely speculation. She doesn't actually know. Beatrice has a imaginative mind and she knows that and she also knows not every possibility that comes across her minds is grounded in truth.
And yet, she starts wondering more and more. Is she doing the right thing, in the VFD? Are they morally correct, or if what they're doing is wrong, is it really necessary evil?
She doesn't know.
Beatrice Baudelaire is brave and she doesn't fear eagles or speed or the cold winters of Mount Fraught, doesn't fear fighting with Esme or climbing down elevator shafts. She's courageous and adventurous and confident, about most things.
But she's no longer so confident that they're always fighting the good fight.
Beatrice admires Kit, sharp and calm and calculative, always knowing what she's doing. Kit is thoughtful and smart and has a strong moral code. She has also, quite boldly, stated that she does agree that what they're doing isn't always so morally pure. But she doesn't let that deter her from doing the necessary job, even when it falls into the shades of morally grey.
Kit knows what she's doing. She takes everything into consideration and makes careful calculation. She does things that are necessary, even if they're not always good. But they serve a purpose. And she acknowledges that.
Beatrice wishes she can be as brave and confident as Kit, as certain as what she's doing. She knows she looks so in others' eyes, probably. She likes to think she acts well enough to convince others.
She wishes she has Kit's resolve, knowing that what she's doing might not be as "good" as VFD claims to be, but is necessary regardless, and someone has to do the job. She wishes she can be as brave as Kit, willing to acknowledge that sometimes one has to be able to carry things on one's conscience and continue to do the job.
Beatrice wonders if she's just a coward, not willing to bear any stains on her own conscience, trying to avoid doing certain things and ending up causing much more damage by her inaction, but at least, hey it wasn't by her hand. She wonders if she just wants to feel good, to own the moral high ground, to feel morally superior. To have a perfect image.
She wonders, if she's a little like VFD in this sense. Needing to have a perfect image, needing to convince herself that she is in the right, 100%.
But she doesn't tell anyone any of her worries, because she's supposed to be brave and confident and sure of herself and doesn't worry a thing. She keeps up a good act, an act convincing almost everyone.
She thinks Olaf sees it, though. She can never quite hide anything from him. The teachers think he's unobservant, but they're wrong. He just only pays attention to things he wants to pay attention to.
Olaf gives her knowing looks, sometimes. Offers her a cigarette and doesn't say anything.
Beatrice takes the cigarette.
"I want you to meet someone," Olaf says suddenly, one day.
"Oh, have you finally meet a girl you want to settle down with?" Beatrice exclaims dramatically.
"No," Olaf rolls his eyes. "Not all of us care about being in a relationship like you and Snicket, B."
But he refuses to tell her more details. Curiosity overtakes her, though, and she agrees.
Beatrice has visited Hotel Denouement before, but she's never been in one of the managers' office. She has never been particularly close to either Frank or Ernest. She can't tell which one of them it is that's standing in front of her right now.
"Miss Baudelaire," Frank, or Ernest, greets her easily and calmly. He gestures her to sit. "Make yourself comfortable."