Work Text:
It was nearing two in the morning and Niall was standing in the corridor of Harry’s flat shrugging his coat on. It’d been a long night of back and forth yelling and broken feelings and ugly secrets that ended with Niall telling Harry he didn’t want this anymore. Any of it. Now Niall was fixing to go while Harry stood on, clutching Niall’s trainers to his chest in hopes of making him stay. The ceiling lights were on dim but Niall could still see the tears that Harry was trying to hold back.
“Niall. Please. I know. I know things have been tough with me being out on the road and. And Greg in the hospital, and the Georgia thing, but I love you. I love you. I love you so much and I’m sorry I’ve been such a disaster. I can be better I promise niall, please just let me be better. I—”, Harry stops and takes a shaky breath and says, “I don’t want us to be over. Broken things can be fixed Niall, I can fix it, I’ll do whatever you want, just please don’t leave me.”
“Harry…”, Niall started with a sigh. He didn’t exactly know where his sentence would end up so he wasnt to keen on finishing it. Things with Harry were always like this. Never knowing what the endgame would be. Always on edge waiting for the other shoe to drop. Being with Harry was so good when it was good. Except for when it wasn’t.
When Niall’s mates would ask him if he and Harry were still together because they saw Harry out at the clubs with a 5'10, gorgeous, and a little too friendly to be “just friends”, girl on his arm. When Niall would come home from a long week of promo in whatever country for his new record, only to find an empty house and a cold bed. When Greg got sick and Niall and Harry stayed in Ireland for awhile to help Denise out with the kids, and Harry was distant and cold for the entire 3 weeks they were there, only smiling for Theo and Kieran.
“I don’t want things to be good again. I don’t want this and I don’t want you, Harry. D'ya know what it feels like? To have your friends ask you if you’re still in a relationship? Because they saw your boyfriend out with someone else? I don’t want you Harry, it’s too much and I’m done trying.” Niall snatches his shoes away from Harry, turns and opens the door. He’ll put them on in the car, he just needs to get out of there as quickly as possible before Harry makes him change his mind.
The hand that moves past his head to close the door shut is firm and unwavering. Harry turns Niall around and presses his hands to his cheeks so Niall has to keep eye contact with him. “Look at me. Look me in the eyes and tell me you don’t love me. Can you even do that?”
Niall clenches his teeth and looks at the wall. He hates this. Hates what they’ve become, hates Harry for asking him that question, hates himself for knowing the answer will never change, probably for as long as he lives.
Niall doesn’t even have to answer, Harry knows. Harry was always able to read him like a book. He loops his arms around Niall’s neck, tucks his head into the nook there and says, “We can’t just stop trying. We love each other, and if that’s not reason enough, I don’t know what is.” Niall can feel each word pressed against his skin.
Niall loves Harry. Loves Harry’s kind smile. His fierce loyalty when it comes to his friends. His stupid jokes that he pulls out when he knows it’s been a long day and Niall needs a laugh. The way one eye opens before the other when he wakes up in the morning. His bad back that Niall has massaged more times than he can count. His family. God, his family…Niall doesn’t know what he’d without them. They’ve practically adopted Niall, which he’s been more grateful for than ever since his own family is all the way over in Ireland. But love can only get you so far before the fights and arguments start to become as normal as holding hands once was. Niall can’t even remember the last time they kissed.
Harry’s eyes are still teary, he looks like he’s just come back from a run with the way he’s breathing so hard. Niall gently takes Harry’s hands from around him, kisses each knuckle, and squeezes them before saying, “I love you H, so much, but— we don’t fit anymore.” He drops harry’s hands and squares his shoulders. “You need to let me go.”
Harry leans against the hallway’s wall, slowly sinks down to the floor, and brings his hands up to his face. Niall can hear the telltale little hiccups of him crying. He wants to reach out but he knows it’ll only make things worse. He feels like a butcher. Carving Harry’s heart out with a stab and a twist. It’s the worst Niall has ever felt in his entire life.
Harry wipes his face and looks up at Niall again, just looks at him for a full minute with these sad sad eyes that Niall’s going to have nightmares about after this is over.
“Can you stay just one more night? Can you just—Hold me? Can we say goodbye in the morning?” Harry asks in a whisper.
He runs his hands through his hair and pulls at the strands. Why does Harry always have to make things harder than they need to be? A clean break is what they need. If they constantly do this back and forth nothing will ever change and their hearts’ll be all bruised up and hurt and Harry’s name will be scarred into to Niall’s forever. And what’s shit about that is— if Niall were to leave Harry and be with someone else, someone good, they’d see Harry’s name and give Niall back to him as if he were some lost puppy looking for his home.
Harry bites his lip and says Niall’s name again. The knife twists a little deeper. This time into Niall’s heart. At least this will be a mutual destruction, he thinks grimly.
Niall takes off his coat and puts it on one of the hooks. He holds his hand out to pull Harry up and leads them to the stairs. They get to their bedroom—Harry’s bedroom, not Niall’s, not anymore—and undress down to their pants. Niall figures since the knife’s already in he might push it in a little farther. What’s a little more pain?
Harry gets in first, and when Niall climbs in he goes behind Harry and wraps his arm around his waist. This is normal, this is like breathing, Niall knows this. He’ll always know this. He’ll miss it too. “Tighter.” Harry mumbles, halfway to sleep already.
Their legs are tangled, Harry’s hair smells like oranges, Niall’s front slots in perfectly with Harry’s back, and they sleep.
—
In the morning Niall wakes first. During the night Harry had shifted, so they’re facing each other now. He watches him for a bit. His chest rising up and down with each breath, his eyelashes, his tattoos all over his body like a story. Niall’s heart twinges in realization that he won’t be apart of Harry’s story anymore, and he won’t know any of the new memories that Harry decides he wants to be etched into his skin.
Niall kisses his eyelids and his nose and his cheeks before whispering, “Love you, goodbye.”
He puts his clothes back on. He gathers his things. And he leaves.