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Genma couldn’t describe how he felt around Kakashi. There probably wasn’t a single person who would love and appreciate him no matter the circumstances. Dating him was Genma’s best decision - he didn’t regret a single aspect of their relationship. Yes, they’ve been dating only for a few months, but their relationship filled Genma with so much warmth.
However, they hadn’t slept together yet.
Genma continued his work normally, even after they got together, and yet…anytime one of their make-out sessions got a little bit heated, Genma suddenly entered an utter state of panic. Kakashi, obviously, was understanding. They would always end up cuddling on the couch (right after Kakashi helped Genma get dressed again, leaving a soft kiss on his forehead) and watch a shitty TV show.
Genma couldn’t even put into words, how awful he felt anytime this happened. The closest thing would probably be a ‘ failure’ or even a ‘good-for-nothing whore’ . The only thing that he was good at, and yet, for some reason, he couldn’t do it. Kakashi’s touch was burning him, even though he was kind. Even though he was caring. So, why did it hurt?
He felt awful.
“Hey, honey,” began Kakashi as he walked into the living room. He just got back from work, and the take-out that Genma ordered was placed on the table, waiting for both of them to dig in.
“Hi,” mumbled Genma as he looked up from his phone. He was mindlessly scrolling through Twitter while waiting for Kakashi - recently, he accidentally mentioned he was dating someone. People immediately started speculating about his sex life. Little did they know, there was nothing to speculate about.
“Did you stream today?” asked Kakashi as he sat down.
“Nope, didn’t feel like it,” replied dryly Genma.
“Ah, now, what’s going on with you?” questioned Kakashi, reaching out to the box with the take-out.
“Nothing,” mumbled Genma. He didn’t want to talk today - he didn’t want to feel. God, he wanted to just eat and go to sleep.
“I am not one to pry,” replied Kakashi with a sigh. “I am here when you want to talk. Well, if you want to talk.”
Genma just nodded, stuffing his mouth with food. He didn’t even want to think about all the things that were uncomfortably sitting in his stomach. God, it was awful. Genma felt awful. He was awful - he had to be. There was no other explanation. He wasn’t giving Kakashi the only thing he was good at.
“Thanks for the food,” mumbled Genma, taking the empty box to the kitchen, so he could throw it in the trash. “I am going to sleep early,” mumbled Genma, waving at Kakashi who was still eating.
“Ah, alright. Goodnight, honey, I love you.”
For how long are you actually going to say that? “I love you, too.” Genma walked to their (formerly Kakashi’s) bedroom.
Suddenly, he was so glad that he already took a shower. Now, he could just put on one of Kakashi’s t-shirts, and directly go to sleep - well, that’s what he wanted. His mind, on the other, had a different plan. His mind was filled with too many thoughts, it was hurting his fucking brain.
Kakashi came to their bedroom around one in the morning, he settled down on their bed - Genma knew Kakashi was watching even though he had his eyes closed. Kakashi slightly brushed his fingers against Genma’s cheek. He sighed. “I really love you. I really do.”
But?
“But I worry. Something is going on. And I don’t know what. I need you to tell me. Please, just tell me. I can’t…I can’t help you if I don’t know what’s going on,” choked out Kakashi. “I just…” he sighed again, finally laying down. “Goodnight.”
Genma tried his hardest not to cry.
Genma woke up before Kakashi - he silently left the bed and decided to make breakfast for both of them. Since Genma, apparently, lost his ability to give Kakashi the only thing he’s good at, he could at least cook.
“Hey,” mumbled Kakashi from the door. Genma didn’t even turn around, he just mumbled a quick ‘good morning’ somewhat in Kakashi’s direction. Kakashi walked up to Genma, wrapping his arms around Genma’s waist. He buried his face in Genma’s neck.
Genma giggled - he couldn’t keep up his grumpy attitude around Kakashi for too long. “I am sorry.”
“You need to cut that out,” mumbled Kakashi.
“No, I should apologize. I acted like a dick to you.”
“Do you wanna talk about it?” asked Kakashi, resting his chin on Genma’s shoulder.
“Hm, I don’t know, really,” replied Genma with a sigh. What would he even say? Sorry for not sleeping with you? That sounded stupid, didn’t it? “I wouldn’t know what to say.”
“Do you want to just watch a trashy series, instead?” asked Kakashi. “My therapist would call it ‘avoiding my feelings’, but I don’t really care.”
Genma cackled. “Your therapist will get an aneurysm.”
“Eh, she’ll be fine. C’mon, baby,” mumbled Kakashi as he held Genma’s hand. They took their plates to the living room and sat down, wrapping themselves in a blanket. It was an unusually cold morning.
When they were finally done with their breakfast (Genma couldn’t stop laughing at the terrible acting, while Kakashi was loudly judging the CGI), Genma shamelessly sat down on Kakashi’s lap. He wrapped his hands around Kakashi’s neck, pulling him closer.
“You’re very pretty,” murmured Genma as he tipped his head down to kiss Kakashi. God, it was perfect. Kakashi was in every way perfect.
Kakashi put his hand on Genma’s waist, deepening the kiss. His other hand was placed on Genma’s cheek, pulling him even closer. They parted and Kakashi started leaving kisses on Genma’s neck. It was sending shivers down Genma’s spine.
Maybe today was different. Maybe today he could actually do it.
Unfortunately, the moment Kakashi removed Genma’s shirt, the panic appeared. It was slow, at first - sexual intimacy was scary, there was nothing wrong with a tiny bit of a panic. But when Genma’s chest started raising rapidly, and he was tightly shutting his eyes, Genma knew it was doomed to fail. Again.
“Honey? Honey, Genma,” mumbled Kakashi. “Hey, can you look at me? Please, babyboy, look at me.”
Genma looked up, unable to look at Kakashi. God, he couldn’t - he would actually start crying. “Don’t…please.”
“What’s wrong? Do you want to stop? We can stop.”
“That’s the fucking problem!” yelled Genma. “I don’t want you to stop! But I can’t fucking do it! Why? Why? Why?” hiccuped Genma as he tightly grasped his hair. He was fucking pathetic .
“Genma,” murmured Kakashi, touching Genma’s wrists. “You’re hurting yourself. Can you, please, stop?”
Genma let his arms fall alongside his body. His throat was tight.
“Thank you, baby,” said Kakashi. “Do you want to tell me what’s wrong?”
“I…” whispered Genma, trying his hardest to calm down. “I want to have sex with you. I really do. But God,” Genma rubbed his eyes, “I can’t. I am scared. I can’t fucking do it for some fucking reason.”
“Honey,” sighed Kakashi, “we don’t have to sleep together.”
“Huh?”
“I love you. I love all the parts that you’re willing to give me.”
“For how long?” questioned Genma. It had been on his mind for so long. “When will you realize that you need more? That you want to fuck me? And I am not giving it to you?”
Kakashi shook his head. “Like I said, I don’t care. I love you for you. Not for your ability to spread your legs. I love how caring and kind you are. I love your humor and your sarcasm. If you’re not ready now, that’s fine. And even if you’re not ready in a few years, that’s also fine. I just…want to love you.”
“You’re just…fuck,” mumbled Genma as he placed his head on Kakashi’s shoulder. “I love you. I love you so much.”
Kakashi tightly hugged Genma. “You’re important to me. Your soul, heart, and mind are more important to me. I love you. Even without sex. I don’t care. I love you.”
“I love you, too. Just so much.”
Genma couldn’t describe how he felt around Kakashi. It was warm and soft. But maybe the closest thing he could use was ‘safe’ and ‘home’.