Work Text:
Seele had a dream. Or rather, a nightmare.
She was… floating?
NO…
Seele was drowning.
Her body drifting in the depths of The Sea.
The deep ocean was pitch black. The only light, a dim glow of lavender, came from the surface above. But it was oh so distant. Laughably out of Seele's reaching arms.
Her lungs burned like fire.
What little oxygen she had slowly escaped like bubbles through her nose and mouth.
The stinging from the water made her eyes bloodshot.
Seele was sinking lower and lower. The abyss below ready to embrace her with its open yet ice cold arms.
She had nothing to ground her. Nothing to save her. Nothing.
She didn't want to drown.
The Sea was a fickle thing.
Just like life and death themselves, The Sea gave and took. It brought upon being and existence yet it indiscriminately stole and robbed just as easily.
And perhaps because of that The Sea gave Seele a choice.
Either sink deeper and deeper into the dark abyss, and accept her unfortunate demise.
Or keep fighting for her life, and reach for the core above her. Its shimmer blinding Seele. Teasing her. Nevertheless, it wanted her to accept it and live on.
Because this offer had a caveat.
To be reborn she must accept the responsibilities of holding the authority of rebirth.
Her extending arm stopped midway.
The authority of rebirth. Life and death. Such powers were holy. Undisturbed. Lest the balance be trampled.
Seele was unworthy of holding such a power. In fact, no one had the right to control this authority. The blue haired girl just couldn't accept such conditions.
Her arms hesitated to reach out. The core mere inches away from her fingers, its aura tingling the tips of her digits.
Was Seele really going to die here because she turned down this offer? Was she being humble in her very last moments? Or was this just raw unfiltered fear for such responsibilities?
…
No… she can't give up. Not here. Not now. Not when survival was oh so close.
She still had much she wanted to do with her life. She still has people waiting for her!
Seele…
Seele refused to drown!
So she accepted.
Her fingers clutch the core with great force, its edges digging into the skin of her palm.
The core welcomed her, its new vessel.
Seele awoke from her deep sleep. She found herself sitting at the very back of the bus. It was her usual short commute from her apartment to AE.
She was expected later this afternoon but Seele, on a whim, decided to just come in early, especially when she had been wide awake since the crack of dawn.
Sleep never came easy for Seele, but it was particularly difficult to have a good night's rest as of lately.
The past week had been mostly a blur to the girl. She frequently found herself spacing out or not being mentally present. Her other self and Bronya had expressed deep concern for Seele, but they also knew there wasn't much they could do, when Seele herself also didn't know what to do.
In a world of Honkai and Herrscher, where Seele is not only surrounded by beings of high authority but is also one herself, she had never felt so, so powerless until now.
Seele is the final one to exit the bus. Her thank you to the bus driver half-hearted.
The rising sun above the morning ocean greeted her as she stepped outside. The sea was calm today. It would've been a wonderful day to go to the beach with Bronya, Bunny and her other self… but today wasn't that day.
Seele turned around to head straight for AE. She had work to do.
Seele has always had a peculiar relationship with The Sea. To say the least.
Even the word itself was an enigma to her growing up.
The Daughter of the Sea was a book she often found herself rereading back at the orphanage, yet ironically enough she never understood what the title meant. She had a good idea what 'daughter' was since that was what her dearest matushka called her and the other orphans, but 'the sea' was a concept lost to Seele.
The book described how the protagonist, a mermaid, lived and breathed in the sea. It was basically all she knew about. All she was surrounded with. Yet still the mermaid chose to leave it…
'Why?' Young Seele always wondered.
What was the sea exactly? And why did the mermaid abandon it just so easily?
Yet more importantly, after everything she had been through, everything she had been exposed with, and the new life she lived, why was the sea still yearning for her to come back, only to punish her and turn her to foam?
It was a fate that still haunts Seele to this day.
At a very young age Seele knew she should fear the sea.
Walking past the halls of AE, almost in slow motion, Seele was greeted by her co-workers who had missed her due to such a long leave. Seele could only smile with a facade unfit for her visage.
Seele recalled how it was Bronya who told her what the sea was. At that moment a vague concept was forming in her mind. But it still wasn't enough, this word that she had repeated over and over in her head and tried to compare its sheer size to the lakes back at Estonia was finally within her grasp. So, to Seele's own elation, Bronya offered to take her to the sea.
That winter night, in the middle of the Siberian tundra, in a small orphanage's dorm room, two girls made plans to go on a vacation to somewhere called 'a beach' where the sea expanded to the horizon, and the sun and moon greeted it, and the wind blew a breeze that neither burned nor freezed. It was almost a dream Seele was about to wake up to.
Fate must have laughed at her face then when the first time she actually got to witness the sea wasn't with Bronya on this vacation, but with Cocolia on their way to an experiment that would most likely end Seele's own short and futile life. The X-10 experiment.
Scientists. Lab equipment. Test tubes. Wires. Her dear matushka's cold tone of voice.
It was only hazy after that.
Seele found out deep within the earth's sea was another, the Sea of Quanta. It was calling her name. Yearning for her.
And when the experiment inevitably failed Seele was fated to perish in it. However, The Sea instead embraced her with open arms and took her as its own.
Seele had never felt the love of her own parents, but if she did would it be the same as how The Sea loved her?
Would a parent drown her into the depths of the abyss, unable to feel any of her senses?
Would a parent imprison her in a space of chaos where she neither knew her ups or downs or lefts or rights?
Would a parent bewilder her with their complexities and riddles no normal child could wrap their head around, let alone survive in?
Yet would a parent also grant her god-like powers to defeat the evil and wicked, and save lives?
It seemed The Sea was coddling Seele, or perhaps, love bombing her.
Calling for her to come back.
But Seele knew, if she let her guard down, The Sea would only drag her by her ankles and drown her once again into its depths.
And this time Seele has a name for the abyss deep within The Sea, Sa.
If she were to step any deeper into The Sea would Sa be there to greet her?
Or if she stays here would Sa come to her?
Just like the little mermaid, who once returned to the sea, became nothing but foam, once Seele returns to The Sea she may not come back the same. Or may not come back at all.
Maybe the Sea of Quanta was her only home all along.
Seele knocked on the metalic door, the echo light but audible.
"Come in." A voice from the room inside said.
Once the metalic doors slid open Seele stepped inside. She had practiced saying this for days now. She wasn't exactly sure if she was ever ready to utter such words, but today, something within her gave her resolution.
May it be her home or may it be her prison, it didn't matter at this point.
In the end this really was something only Seele could do.
And if she rejected, it would only be a disappointment to herself and what she has been trying to grow into for so long now.
"Professor Einstein. I will gladly lead the expedition to the Sea of Quanta."
Seele didn't see herself as synonymous to the mermaid in the story, rather she wanted to be her own character, a sailor.
To Seele, her and The Sea's relationship was no different from that of a sailor and the ocean. Although a sailor has been through the hardship and horrors the vast ocean could offer to man, he still comes back to it time and time again. The ocean is familiar to him, it is practically his second home.
It is an unsettling though, to consider something that has drowned many and actively attempts to kill the sailor, a second home. But his intimacy and experience with the ocean also has its silver linings, for the sailor uses this knowledge to guide others on a safer journey.
So they do not end up witnessing the horrors this sailor has.
"Very well," Einstein nodded, placing their mug of fresh coffee down, "I will also assume you'll be taking the other Seele with you."
"No." Seele shook her head, her voice firm, "I would like to have as small of a team as possible."
Einstein was quiet, the coffee getting colder by every second of silence.
"I see." They said with a matter of fact tone, "Well, there is much paperwork to be done, so this may take a few days. How about preparing yourself before then?"
The blue haired girl nodded.
"Seele." The professor paused, "Please be aware, you will be gone for a while."
"I know."
The heavy unspoken air was what Seele was about to leave with, but Einstein spoke again,
"Oh, and do tell me if you want to add anyone to the team. As the old adage goes, the more the merrier"
Seele doesn't answer as she exits the office.
She didn't really know what she should do while passing the time. If she was being honest she had hoped Professor Einstein would just immediately push her to the nearest portal to Quantum space, never to be seen again. But maybe that was just another naïve thought she had. She was still a stupid child, no matter what she went through.
Surprises were practically a normalcy with the life Seele has lived. Nevertheless, some things still catch her off guard. Just like now. With all the precautions she made before leaving the apartment, being as quiet as a mouse, leaving no trace nor note as to where she was going, not even wearing her working shoes today, somehow she was still read like an open book.
Granted, the one doing the reading was her other self.
The last thing Seele was expecting when she left those sliding doors was Veliona herself.
She was leaning on the wall across the office. Arms crossed as she stared at Seele, her expression unreadable.
"Yo."
Sparing not even a second, Seele walked away, "I'm kind of busy right now. Let's talk later."
Such foreign cold words felt uncomfortable in Seele's own mouth. It was so foreign even Veliona was speechless and frozen on her feet.
To think, neither Honkai nor unnatural beings have made her as paralyzed as now.
Yet nothing will ever keep Veliona down.
"Seele!" She called, speeding towards her other self.
The blue haired girl gave a quick glance before also running away. Veliona's grasp barely missed the tip of her fingers.
It had been like this all week.
Ever since that talk in the closet, they had more or less been avoiding each other.
First it was just not talking about what happened that day, but slowly Seele was distancing herself from Veliona.
To the point that today Veliona awoke to a missing Seele, only to find her already at AE, without her.
To the girls the chase didn't last long, but in reality they had been running for so long that by the time they reached that oak tree that faced the sea outside AE, they were a panting mess.
Seele took heavy breaths, her shoulders visibility rising and falling.
Probably just over an arm's length from her was Veliona, who also couldn't get a word out due to the lack of oxygen in her lungs. Although Veliona refused to take her eyes off Seele this time.
The blue haired girl had taken shade under the oak tree, her hand leaning next to the trunk. The bark felt dry against Seele's palm.
At some point a quiet gust of wind passed by them and one of the leaves landed on Seele's shoulder.
She observed it with a furrow to her brow. It was brownish, wrinkled, dying.
Not too long ago this tree flourished. Its leafage green, wood sturdy, and overall appearance healthy. But now… or maybe even immediately after Seele rested here…
Anxiety flooded Seele's already running mind. If she could harm this tree, if she could kill Chiron, if she could do so much damage to the flora around her… what more could she do to the innocent animals… to the people around her… to her other self…?
"Seele." Veliona's voice cut through the silence. Her tone warned Seele to brace herself.
The blue haired girl remained tight-lipped. Come to think of it, although Veliona often liked to nag and yell when pressed the wrong way, she rarely spoke like that to Seele, especially since she never wanted to get to the point her words stung her other self to the core.
The blue haired girl prayed she was ready enough to finally take one right now–
"I'm sorry."
"What." Seele blinked.
"I'm… sorry…"
"What… what did you do..?"
Veliona was clearly struggling to answer. It wasn't because she was insincere nor because she was forced to say those words. No. Veliona was genuine. But the guilt in the redhead's eyes was obvious as she chose her words. Her words to an apology still unknown to Seele.
"I… don't know." Veliona confessed, "But I do know I've hurt you. Badly. And that's already enough for me to apologize and get my act straight."
Apologize? Get your act straight?
The bridge of Seele's noise began to wrinkle as tears welled up on the tips of her eyes. And this made Veliona start to panic.
"D-did I… say something wrong?!" The fluster in Veliona's tone of voice almost made her unrecognizable.
"Silly Seele," The blue haired girl chuckled, although the joy was overshadowed by melancholy. She held her tears.
Seele, the Herrscher of Rebirth, had only recently just received her authority of life and death. Yet immediately she took great responsibility in carrying these powers. And although she uses the former wisely, she has yet to touch the latter. She hopes she never has to.
Alas, it still tries to be freed from her clutches, escape its chain and look for something–someone to devour.
Seele fears if she stays here for too long she may one day be a danger to the real world…
"You did nothing wrong," The blue haired girl shook her head, "I just can't be here anymore…"
The redhead blinked, still confused,
"What do you mean here? AE? Sure. And where do you want us to go then?"
Us
There was no 'us' in this equation, Seele.
And that fact broke the blue haired girl's heart.
Seele was a crybaby growing up. Back in Estonia she would silently weep when she found herself feeling lonely or lost. In the orphanage she'd often cry after being bullied, whimpering was usually heard inside that all too familiar toy chest. Even in the Sea of Quanta where the basic laws of physics didn't make sense, tears still fell down Seele's face when she longed for her matushka, for her sisters, for Bronya. So really at this point in her life she should have ran out of tears to shed.
Then why, oh why did it seem like she had never cried as much as she did right now?
To Seele it felt like massive orbs of tears rolled down her cheeks as if they were waterfalls. It was so bad her vision was a blur of colors and vague shapes. She couldn't speak or even breathe properly as her throat was clogged. And the only noise she could audibly pull out turned to hiccups and sobs.
"Seele…" Veliona whispered. She embraced the girl, one hand cradling her head to cry on the redhead's shoulder, and the other rubbed her back, making the blue haired girl cry all the more louder.
Veliona still didn't understand. But she knew Seele needed her, whether she wanted to admit that or not.
Seele hadn't realized how hungry she was for Veliona's soft touch until the redhead's arms encapsulated her with a warmth she never knew she lost. And for the first time in over an agonizing week she embraced her other self. She can be this selfish at the very least.
The two stayed like this for a while as the only sound around them were the rustling leaves and the muffled hiccups Seele made.
Neither were keeping track of how they stood like this but it was long enough that Veliona's feet were beginning to ache from staying still. Despite that, she didn't dare move, not until Seele was ready.
After what felt like another eternity to the soles of Veliona's feet, Seele finally pulled her head away from the redhead's shoulder.
“I'm alright now…” Seele sniffled, the blatant lie obvious.
"Seele. You know you can tell me anything." Veliona brushed the back of her hand over Seele's face, wiping away the tears that still fell down her visage, "We never hide anything from each other,"
An assuring chuckle from Veliona, "As much as I tried to."
Seele couldn't help but also giggle a little too. She was right. Her other self was never the direct type, she still had a habit of hiding her true feelings behind a maze of words and phrases that did not coincide with her actions. But the pair knew each other long enough that Seele had more or less mastered this language. It was complex, difficult, and often contradicting. Nevertheless, it was beautiful. For it was Veliona's language of expression.
Yet Seele herself never had a language like this. She has always been an open book, whether she wanted to or not. Lying never came naturally for the girl. Only now, when being honest felt like the wrong thing to do, did she begin to don her own mask of facades and lies.
But if Seele was being honest, she did not think this mask suited her.
"Seele."
"Hm?" Veliona hummed, brushing away some of her other self's messy bangs.
"I… I…" Seele's voice trailed. To think all of that determination and resolve of leaving immediately evaporated in the face of someone she deeply cares about. In the face of someone she never wants to be apart from.
It was a hard pill to swallow, but one that was necessary, at least Seele believes.
"I'm… I'm going to the Sea of Quanta." A pause. A deep breath. Veliona doesn't dare interrupt it. "And I'm going without you."
Although a weight felt like it was lifted from her shoulders, those bitter words also began to stick to Seele's tongue, making her mouth dry.
Seele expected Veliona to be mad, fuming from the ears even. To yell at her. To say she didn't trust Veliona or didn't want to be with her anymore. But no. The redhead spoke in a soft tone, well, softer than her usual tone.
"Stupid," Veliona scoffed, “All this time I thought I did something–said something wrong…”
The redhead mumbled, “I thought you were mad at me or didn't feel comfortable anymore… I thought I failed to be human…”
“Seele..?” The blue haired girl blinked, barely unable to hear.
Veliona shook her head, before continuing to speak,
"If you're going to The Sea then I'm going too!"
The blue haired girl's brows visibly furrowed, "Y-you don't have to go with me– Seele, this is my responsib–"
Veliona slightly raised her hand, gesturing for her other self to pause, "let me continue."
Seele closed her mouth, the words hanging from the tip of her tongue, begging to be let out. But Veliona continued,
"I think I finally understand what's going in that big head of yours," Veliona, with moderate force, flicked the center of Seele's forehead, making the girl squeak in surprising pain.
"You're scared you're gonna hurt me."
The sting on her forehead was nothing compared to the sudden shot to the heart. Seele was eerily quiet. Hurt was a severe understatement.
And Veliona realized that. Flowery words won't get them anywhere right now.
"Seele." Veliona began, "I am a stigma born from your anger and sadness. I was nothing but a lost consciousness within your own–"
Seele clearly had many opinions to voice out when she opened her mouth but Veliona didn't let her speak, this wasn't the point,
"–I was with you for years in the Sea of Quanta. Fought beasts and Honkai and god-like enemies. I am a force to be reckoned with."
Another pause. Veliona made sure her other self was looking directly at her serious expression. No facades. No sarcasm. No lies. Just simple, honest truth.
"Seele." The redhead continued, her tone firm and sure, "I will not die that easily."
The blue haired girl was quiet again, it felt like hours of silence dragged on but Veliona was sure it was only a few seconds. Finally, her other self opened her mouth, expression unreadable to Veliona.
“How confident are you on that?” Seele asked in one breath.
“Huh?”
“How are you so confident you won't die by my hands?”
Veliona scratched the back of her head. Indeed, how was she? She knew she wasn't lying, nor was it blind optimism, but she didn't know what prompted this gut feeling of hers.
Then it hit her like a ball of fluff to the face. The redhead couldn't even control that smile that was growing across her visage.
She cleared her throat before speaking,
“I'm quite confident I won't perish under your hands any time soon, Miss Seele Vollerei,” Veliona teased, pinching both of the blue haired girl’s chubby cheeks,
“Because someone with this cute of a face couldn't even harm a fly!”
Seele groaned as Veliona kept pulling on her cheeks. Then she did the opposite and squished them together, artificially making the blue haired girl pout.
“Seele.” Veliona spoke with a soft hum, the jesting tone already long gone, “Trust in yourself more. You are greater than what you think you are. I should know, I am you.”
Seele cupped both her hands over Veliona's, beckoning them to pull back a little, at least enough so Seele is able to speak, “You… aren't scared of me…?”
“You? Never!–Unless I eat the last slice of cake that is–”
Seele, promptly after slapping Veliona's arm, purposely pouted. Veliona wanted to combust from how satiated she was to finally see such a sight again.
“I'm joking, I'm joking. Jeez.” The redhead chuckled, it was always a pleasure to catch Seele off guard. Especially in tense moments like these.
Veliona was careful with her next choice of words, they were neither casual, nor depressing, simply informative.
“If you mean I'm scared of death… then yes Seele, I am terrified of dying.”
Veliona firmly held the hands Seele was about to retract from their embrace. The redhead used her thumbs to rub her palms, soothing the girl.
“I am scared of death. I am scared of what comes after living. I am scared of leaving you alone, Seele… and I am also scared of being alone.”
The blue haired girl's brows furrowed. Of course Veliona would be scared of her end, yet such a confirmation still stung Seele to her very core.
Veliona didn't like the gloom plastered across Seele's expression.
It was bold of the redhead, maybe even uncharacteristic, but her mind was yelling–begging for her to do it. So Veliona, as she stood on her toes, brushed aside Seele's bangs and kissed the center of her forehead. The bump from the flick she left early was felt against her own lips.
Seele was silent as she flustered from the unexpected gesture of affection. Veliona couldn't help but chuckle as she brushed her hair back in place,
“Seele, I'm scared of the unknown, but all of that dumb shit pales in comparison to the thought of living a life without you.”
A life without you.
Such words evoked a certain memory for Veliona. It wasn't too long after they had returned from that bubble universe, her and Seele were cooking dinner in celebration for a successful mission. But amidst it all Veliona had cut the side of her index finger with the knife. And the aftermath of it all was Seele patching up the girl as they sat on the living room sofa.
There was a calm silence as Seele disinfected the cut, although the guilt in Veliona's eyes were present to Veliona alone,
“I'm… sorry…”
“Hm? For what?”
“I hurt you…”
Seele blinked, “You did?”
“Yeah! I left another cut on your hand.”
The blue haired girl examined the wound, tracing it all the way from her other self's hand, through her arm, then her shamed face, “Seele, that is your body, and your body alone now.”
“It's still originally yours–”
“It was ours.” Seele corrected.
“You know what I mean…” Veliona pouted as she retracted her hand the moment Seele finished putting the adhesive bandage over her cut. But Seele wasn't done with her yet,
“Please don't feel guilty when you hurt yourself because you think you broke something of my possession, Seele.”
Urg, why did she have to put it like that?
“If anything, feel guilty you are hurting yourself and by extension my feelings…”
Ah, she got Veliona there.
Not too long ago Veliona was ready to die if it meant protecting Seele, but over time she had learned that such a sacrifice was unnecessary, harmful even.
It was only through lectures after lectures after lectures from Seele herself did the redhead slowly learn to value her life the same way the people around her did.
“I'm not going to encourage you to keep hurting yourself,” Seele continued, kissing her injured finger, “But I want you to know this is your body now, and you get to choose how you take care of it. I just hope, as someone who dearly loves you, that you will cherish it.”
That was the night Veliona not only promised to love herself more, at least for her other self's sake, but also the night Seele began to push for Veliona to be her own person.
"Seele,” Veliona softly spoke as she brushed the side of her other self's hair behind her ear, “I know you always want me to be my own person and for me to form my own path. But you have to understand, my path is always going to be close to you, because I want it to, nothing more, nothing less."
To be human is to have free will, and Veliona's will is to always be by Seele's side. Through thick and thin, through peace and chaos, through happiness and pain, and if possible, even through life and death.
"And don't act like you don't also want your path to be the same as mine!” The redhead pulled at the lobe of Seele's ear, making the blue haired girl groan in discomfort, “Goodness you have to stop being selfless! It's not even funny!"
Veliona let go of Seele's ear as she let the blue haired girl rub the pain away. Finally, she continued. The nagging in her tone grew tenfold.
"What, just cuz you've grown up a little, it means you're going to The Sea on your own?"
“I can, though!” Seele retorted, “You don't need to protect me anymore, Seele!”
Veliona paused, she was clearly misunderstood, "Seele, don't think I'm doing this because I still don't trust you to take care of yourself. Hell, I even trust you with my life, I do. But if I'm being honest about my feelings for once I'm just personally worried and this feeling will never go away unless I'm with you when you go to The Sea!"
Seele relaxed her shoulders. Of course, she and her other self had a shared history with The Sea. So even if they were practically veterans, it was an unspoken agreement that venturing The Sea alone was a suicide mission. Nevertheless, Seele was still willing to take this journey even if Veliona didn't want to. But the redhead's proclamation to join unconsciously made Seele relax,
"Thank you…"
Veliona shook her head, "Don't be. I want to do this.”
The redhead took her other self's hand once again, leading them as they walked back to AE, to tell Professor Einstein the good news,
"After all,” Veliona turned her head to face the blue haired girl, “We are both Seele. Seele isn't one person, she is us, no matter how different we are."
We are both Seele
Ah yes, and how could the blue haired Seele forget that mantra?
Seele was neither a blessing nor a curse, but rather a choice the two girls actively chose to commit to every day.
They are both Seele.
And no matter what happens… they will always look out for each other.
Seele ran up to her other self with a big hug around her shoulder, then a kiss on the cheek.
The redhead was left frozen as Seele ran ahead of her, giggling like a child.
Damn you Seele Vollerei...