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"I want to be able to fight on my own!"
-And he was slamming painfully against the hardwood. Kageyama's words were almost distant, and he had a hard time focusing on them because, well-
Kageyama had thrown him.
He was on the floor, he wasn't being listened too, and god he couldn't cry now. Not like this.
"Tanaka!" Yachi panics, running out of the gym. She was only trying to stop a fight Hinata had already given up on. Kageyama still hadn't quit yelling, even now, and Hinata sits up slowly.
So this is how it was.
The blocker bites his cheek and stands up, easily sliding back into his usual charade. He could do this. He just needs to toughen up.
"You two-" Tanaka begins, huffing when he steps back in the gym, and pausing when they turn to look at him.
"It's alright Tanaka, I'm already on my way out. It was my fault tonight. Sorry Kageyama, Yachi." Hinata laughes, hands clenching almost painfully inside his pockets, before he flashes a smile at the second year.
"Huh?" Kageyama blinks, confused at the lack of retort, and even in the moment, Hinata couldn't really bring himself to care. All he wanted to do was get home, lay in his bed, and cry.
"Uh well, goodnight then. Get going you two." Tanaka sighs, scratching his head before shrugging and turning to leave the gym with Hinata quickly darting past him.
Kageyama hurries to put the ball he'd dropped away, before rushing out to try and catch up to the ginger, but Hinata was already gone.
"Shit."
—-------------
Hinata shuts his phone off and locks his door. Everything was becoming too much lately. He felt too sensitive, he couldn't breathe right, and he felt crushed. Sure he was smaller than everyone else, sure he lacked the same skill they seemed to have, but surely…surely he still had some purpose.
Surely.
All he amounted to was Kageyama's toss, and without it, he was useless.
"If I was taller, more like everyone else then-"
It still wouldn't be enough.
The tears running down his face were hot and heavy. Leave it to Kageyama to take things too far.
Tyrant.
If only he would just listen, just once. That's all Hinata wanted-
All he wanted-
Kageyama.
Stupid.
Hinata chokes under the weight of his feelings. Not enough, not enough, not-
He turns his phone on, watches it boot up slowly, and cringes at the blank screen.
Something was squeezing his heart, something vindictive and cruel. Something that throbbed in the same way Kageyama's tosses felt, Kageyama's voice, Kageyama's hands on him, hands that pushed him earlier.
Something just Kageyama.
Oh.
Oh.
He just wanted it to be Kageyama. The reassurance, the faith, the hands he wanted to cup his face in confidence-
He wanted Kageyama.
Not just as a teammate.
There were finger shaped bruises purpling along his sides, and he traces them with his own, lays his palms against them and shakes with his sobs. The closest they could be-
It was painful.
—-------------
"You've reached the next little giant- ''
Kageyama scowls at the voice-mail. Hinata hadn't been to school for two days, he'd messaged their team chat saying he was sick. No one had been able to get a hold of him since.
Kageyama sent him another text-
He had sent multiple by now.
'Why aren't you coming to practice???'
"Don't you think that's a little harsh Kageyama?"
Tobio jumps, glaring over at the older setter who had surprised him.
"Sorry for being nosy. I heard the two of you fought the other day? You didn't upset him did you?"
"We always fight like that, it wasn't serious-"
"But are you sure?" Sugawara cuts him off, and there's a look on his face that Kageyama doesn't understand.
"What do you-"
"Maybe it just wasn't serious to you?" As soon as it came out of the older man's mouth, Kageyama suddenly felt wrong.
"Hinata wouldn't miss practice for that. It just isn't like him." Kageyama reasons, of course, this thought was the most logical thing. Kageyama was surely right.
"But are you sure? It's not like any of us have really known Hinata for long-" Kageyama freezes, "Besides, the fight could only be one part of the problem. Hinata has been off for a while now. I just couldn't get him to talk to me about it."
"Off? Why?" Kageyama was confused, Hinata had seemed just as annoying as he always had, more desperate the night they fought maybe. Was desperate the right word? But then-
"It's just a feeling I have, I'll try calling him again later. I'm worried he might do something he'll regret." Sugawara sighs, and Kageyama can't help the odd pit that seems to be forming in his stomach.
—-------------
Kageyama played like he breathed, and today he felt suffocated.
—-------------
"Damn." Kageyama curses, standing soaked on Hinata's porch and clutching a soggy piece of paper in his hand.
Sugawara had just gotten to him, that was all. For the sake of volleyball he had begged his assistant coach, Takeda, for Hinata's address, took the messy letter, and all but sped down the road on his bike. Halfway through, he was soaked by a sudden rain, and now here he was.
Hinata jumps when he opens the door, and yelps when Kageyama pushed his way inside.
"Towel."
-And Hinata brings him one.
"My mom's not coming home tonight. She and my sister are at my grandparents, so there's not much I can offer you. I'm sick right now, you should just leave when the storm is over." Hinata didn't ask why he was here, he could assume it was something about the team. Knew even, that Kageyama's situation was his fault.
"You just seem tired to me. Not sick. What's the real reason you aren't coming? You're not wussing out are you?" Kageyama huffed, he decided he was too wet to stay dressed, so he began to strip off his soggy clothes.
"Kageyama!" Hinata yelped, turning around and covering his face with his hands. He felt too warm all of a sudden.
"That didn't tell me anything-"
"I'm going to quit. I'll do it Monday. Like I said, after the storm is over, don't worry about me anymore." Hinata felt shattered, this path was doomed from the start.
"Why the fuck would you do that?" Kageyama grabbed his shoulders and spun him around, this wasn't right.
"You said it yourself! I wasn't worthy of your toss!"
"I'm an ass Hinata! God if I really thought that I wouldn't toss to you at all!" Kageyama panicked, this was too wrong. Hinata wasn't like this, something was out of place.
"Toss to someone else. I'm lacking in everything! You know that! The team knows! Everyone has to constantly pick up after me. Besides, if you knew how I really felt you'd be disgusted." Hinata choked on a sob and looked down in shame.
"You're still new, your skills are developing and will get better in time. What about that is disgusting-"
"I like you."
"Like-"
"I'm In love with you Kageyama. I'm gay. I like men. I've changed with you. Bathed with you. I've even played with you. I'm tired of failing and tired of these feelings." Hinata rambled, effectively cutting Kageyama off.
He'd done it now. He was so screwed.
"You like me." Kageyama repeated, holding Hinata in place.
"Just let me go to my room-"
"You want to date me?" Kageyama breathed, yeah, something was wrong.
"I already told you-"
"Then let's date, and you can continue to play volleyball." Kageyama mumbled and Hinata gawked at him.
"I don't want you to date me just so I'll play! There are other people who could do better with your tosses. Just go home Kageyama. I don't want your pity." Hinata wiped at his tears and shoved the setter again with no success. He was still trapped.
"Idiot. It's not about volleyball, I'm saying I like you too." Kageyama rolled his eyes, flicking the middle blockers forehead and pulling him into a hug.
"You're wet." Hinata whispered, he must have heard wrong-
"And mostly naked, though I'm sure you're enjoying that." The other boy smirked.
"You-how could you say that? Get off me." Hinata covered his face with his hands. This couldn't be happening. Kageyama's skin was cool, and his hair was dripping onto Hinata's clothes.
"We're dating? Can't I hold my boyfriend?" Kageyama teased, rubbing his face into the crook of Hinata's neck.
"Wet-"
"Then just get wet, dumbass."
They stayed like that, close, and Hinata had to pray this was real.
"Can I sleep over?" Kageyama breathed into his neck, and Hinata all but melted.
"Yes, please, of course." He rambled, and Kageyama laughed.
—---------------------
"Why should I take my clothes off-" Hinata argued.
"Because I don't have any on right now! Your stuff is too small to fit me." Kageyama hissed, tugging on Hinata's shirt. The ginger boy finally conceding with a flush.
"You're pretty-" Kageyama muttered absent-mindedly, studying Hinata's form. "You've built up a lot of muscle too."
"Stop it. Pervert Kageyama, that's just embarrassing." Hinata whined, throwing his discarded shirt at the setter.
—------------------
Hinata offered him a futon, and he refused.
"It would be too cold."
Now instead, they were crammed together on his little bed in only their underwear.
Hinata was able to keep his mind off of it to start, and the two easily bickered, Kageyama winning the argument of who would spoon who, and the ginger found himself once again being held.
Kageyama was fit. Even with just his back pressed against him, Hinata could tell. He was warm, and his weight was nice.
Kageyama felt good.
"Just stay the little spoon from now on." Kageyama breathed against his throat, and Hinata shuttered.
"Ok." He agreed, and tonight he found himself awake longer than usual.
—---------------------
"You feel better you jerk? How come you didn't pick up our calls?" Nishinoya whined, clapping Hinata on the back.
"My service was messed up okay. I'm sorry?" Hinata lied, jumping around the libero easily.
Kageyama knew the truth.
—---------------------
"You did good today." Kageyama mumbled against his mouth, and Hinata flushed in response.
"Throw me another?" Hinata questions, breaking away and retrieving their earlier discarded ball.
"If you think you can hit it." Kageyama smirked. It was once again just the two of them.
—-------------------
"We did it! Kageyama we won the training match!" Hinata cheered, kissing him excitedly. His nose, his cheeks, his jaw, anything he could.
"Dumbass that was hours ago." And yet, Kageyama was grinning too.
"Did you see me? Did you? I was like woosh-"
"And your feet went Bam!"
"Yes! You get it! Ah, I love you." Hinata blushed, nuzzling into Kageyama's neck.
"I love you too, though I was cooler." Kageyama sniggers, huffing when Hinata hits him.
They stayed like that, in Kageyama's room. The setter ran his hands down Hinata's sides, his nails scratching his back lightly, the blocker fitting easily in his lap.
"Kageyama?" It was whispered.
"Hmm?"
"You're lame." And suddenly Hinata found himself being pushed off, and laughing.
—---------------------
"Kageyama?" Hinata whispers again, and when his sleeping partner didn't respond-
"I'm sorry I'm not a girl."
—---------------------
Hinata is plagued by dreams of his boyfriend moving on without him. No matter how much he runs, there seems to be miles between them he can't fill.
—---------------------
"Hinata, have you been staying up late?" Dachi scolds, seeing the growing dark circles on the shorter boy's face.
"I've just got into a new game recently." Hinata mutters sheepishly.
"Just don't let it affect your performance!" Sugawara teases, sticking his tongue out at the two.
Feet away, Kageyama watches feeling uncomfortable.
—---------------------
"Is it really a game?" The setter asks as the two make their way to his house.
"Ah you heard that? Don't worry about it." Hinata jokes, bumping their bike handles together as they walk.
"But-"
"Do you think we would've dated if we had gone to different schools? Or if we didn't play volleyball?" Hinata asks suddenly, and Kageyama startles.
"Where's this coming from?"
"Just a thought I had."
"I'm not sure." Kageyama shrugs, appearing in thought.
"Ah so that's what you think then." Hinata swallows. Why did this bother him so much? Of course without volleyball, or being together, how would they form a connection?
"Even if we couldn't date because of something like that, I'd still always be interested. You're so eye-catching that it makes me uncomfortable when people look at you too long." Kageyama finishes matter-of-factly. Hinata gawks.
"I'm a man-"
"And? I like you. Why wouldn't other guys?" Kageyama asks, confused.
"Because it's abnormal-" Hinata cringes under the other boy's gaze. "Because it would be better if I was a girl or something." The weight was there again.
"If you were a girl we couldn't play on the same team. I prefer the Hinata I know, as opposed to the Hinata you're making up right now." Kageyama is straightforward, and his gaze is piercing.
Hinata doesn't respond.
—--------------------
They go about the rest of their day normally, greeting Kageyama's mother politely and playing video games together in his room.
When it's time for bed, Kageyama makes a show of grabbing a spare futon he knows Hinata would never end up using. His mother is sure to tell him to fluff it out, and to clean it when his 'friend' leaves.
Kageyama doesn't know if he'll ever be able to tell her he'd only be washing something that was already clean.
—---------------------
"Do you wanna talk about the conversation from earlier?" Kageyama asks, sliding his nails down Hinata's back in the way he knows the blocker likes.
"It's really nothing important. You don't have to think about it anymore." He can't tell what the tone in Hinata's voice means.
He wishes he could see his face.
"It is important dumbass. If you're worrying about something-"
"If I was a girl this would be easy. We wouldn't have to lie, we could date openly, you'd be more comfortable, we could have a family later, and invite everyone to our wedding easily. I could cheer you on when you played."
Kageyama's shirt suddenly felt wet.
Oh.
"If you were a girl, we couldn't be like we are now. I don't need other people's approval to be happy with you, and we can do things other couples do too. There's no reason you can't cheer from beside me either." Kageyama carded his fingers through the others' hair.
"The only person I need is you."
After saying this, the setter tilted the ginger's face up to meet his.
"Shoyo, I only need you to be mine."
Hinata whined against his mouth.
—------------------------
"Our freak duo sure is close." Tsukishima taunts when he's asked to stay behind and help them clean up.
"We have to be, in order to pick up your slack." Kageyama grunts back.
"Lazyshima." Hinata laughs when the blonde glares their way.
"I'm not stupid you know." Kageyama could almost swear Tsukishima looked hurt, for a single moment, when he'd said this. If he had, it was gone as quick as it occurred.
"What do you mean?" The setter asks, defensive and on edge. He hadn't figured them out had he?
"I mean that you are. Stupid, of course. I'm the one who could help you. I've been in this longer." Tsukishima shrugged, coy.
"Huh? Hasn't Kageyama played longer than either of us?" Hinata asks, confused.
"I'm a better blocker than I was to start, King. Since the training camp back then. Kuroo has been helpful in that aspect."
And suddenly Kageyama understood.
"Then you're like us, but how did you figure it out?" Kageyama asks carefully.
"One, ew. Don't compare me to any of you. That's way too lame. Two, dunno. Kuroo joked about it back then, I just thought it didn't seem as joking anymore. You're much less of a tyrant now. No one else knows, not even Kuroo. I'm not that big of a dick." Tsukishima affirmed, shoving the broom he'd been holding back into the storage room.
"Oh, so you're dating Kuroo." Hinata blinked, startling the two.
"Didn't think you'd pick that up shrimp."
"You should think better of me. Congratulations shittyshima."
--------------------------
Tsukishima was suddenly more bearable. He was easier to study with.
No one told Kuroo the news.
—----------------------
On the bus back from a practice game the two held hands under Hinata's blanket.
Tsukishima took up the seat beside them.
No one would be able to spy.
—---------------------
"I think I understand why you two work so well together." Ushijima glares when they happen to meet by chance on a run.
"We practice often." Hinata replies smoothly, and Kageyama stares ahead.
"If Tendou knew, he would call you a 'boy kisser.'" The pair froze in their tracks. The ace had said it in such a bored, deadpan voice, and they had to rethink if they'd really heard him right.
"Excuse me?" Kageyama balks.
"You're not dating?"
"If we are?" Hinata smiles, it doesn't reach his eyes.
"Will you survive being separated later on because of volleyball, or will you quit?" The light they were waiting at finally allowed them passage, and they picked up their pace again.
"If we end up on different teams, we can still stay together. All that matters is what we want." Kageyama says.
"You really are like the rumors. A king." Ushijima comments.
"Boykisser." Hinata repeats suddenly, cracking up as he says it.
"Yes. Tendou has the vocabulary of a middle schooler. I borrowed his words to lighten the air, he's funnier than I am." Ushijima is ahead of them now.
"Are you dating anyone Ushijima-san?" Hinata asks politely.
"I only want to focus on volleyball right now. So the thought never crossed my mind."
They parted ways as easily as they'd come together.
—-----------------------
After a day of babysitting Natsu, Hinata was fast asleep.
Kageyama pressed closer to him, and yawned.
"You'll be the death of me."
Kageyama thinks he liked Hinata first.