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“Would you quit fidgeting?” Alicia asks, peeking her head from behind her canvas to glare at Tracy. “Seriously, it’s very distracting and you’re messing with my light every time you move your head.”
Tracy presses her lips together. She glances around the room, as though something else in this messy art room would give her the paitence to sit here for another hour. “You’re taking too long. I’m uncomfortable.”
Alicia sighs. “Listen, I know you’re upset that we’re doing this project together, Tracy. But I promise if you stop fidgeting so much and let me finish it, we can submit the project and be done with each other for good.”
Maybe that’s what Tracy’s afraid of, because they’d spent so much of their time hating each other that she didn’t know what to do with herself when she realized she kind of really likes Alicia. She remembers fifth grade when she’d chosen to hang out with the popular girl in the grade above them, Lydia, instead of Alicia. That was kind of it for them. Their friendship had been destroyed.
She really thought she was over it. Fifth grade was a long time ago. Tracy had been nervous about this project. She had to be a model and Alicia had to base some art creation off her. She wishes she had chosen something easy like an interpretive dance (Stiles had done that with Lydia when they’d had this project last year, not that Lydia had been impressed). But no, Alicia, the world’s slowest artist, just had to force her to sit for hours and paint her.
Tracy wonders if Alicia ever thinks about ninth grade. They’d shown up at the same party by accident since they’d spent most of their time avoiding each other. Tracy had gotten completely hammered, barely remembering the night the following morning. Apparently, and she only really has a fuzzy memory of this, she’d ended up making out with Alicia in Lydia’s bedroom. They’d stumbled around before Alicia had said she was too drunk and took her home.
She does. She’s been thinking about it a lot more these days. Alicia never gave any indication though. No, she just sat on her stool and focused on her canvas. She’d bite her bottom lip, lean over to look at Tracy, and then her eyebrows would come together as she dabbed her paint brush into a colour.
“Will you at least let me see it after we’re done today?” Tracy asks, shifting. Fuck, her ass is numb.
Alicia sighs heavily. “Quit moving, Tracy! And just because of that, no.”
Tracy rolls her eyes. Something about the way that Alicia’s expression softens when she does something she likes on the canvas makes Tracy’s heart pound. Maybe she’s just proud at how evil she’s making her out to be. It’s not as though she didn’t have a right.
Her chest suddenly feels tight and she jumps out of her pose.
“Tracy!” Alicia shouts, surprised and annoyed.
“I’m sorry. I just need to stretch, okay? I can’t–it’s a lot.” Tracy doesn’t know if she’s breathing properly anymore. Fuck, she’d fucked this all up with Alicia.
She remembers when they were nine years old and she called Alicia’s house at two in the morning because she’d had a bad dream. Mamma Boyd hadn’t been very happy, but after that, Alicia had started to sleep with the phone tucked underneath of her pillow. Tracy sometimes called just to talk to her best friend because it calmed her.
Then she had to go and fuck everything up.
Lydia constantly told her it wasn’t her fault. Allison suggested that she just talk to Alicia. Erica often says that Boyd’s little sister had nothing but nice things to say about her. Tracy thinks that’s bullshit. Erica just doesn’t want to hurt her feelings. There’s no way Alicia could ever like her after the crap they’ve been through.
“You okay?” Alicia asks, putting down her brush. “Trace?”
She shakes her head. “I can’t do this anymore, okay?”
“Okay. I can finish the piece by myself. I have your face memorized anyway,” Alicia says, quietly.
Tracy nods. “I think that’s for the best.”
She walks out of the art room, not bothering to glance back to see what Alicia had done with her face.
☀ ☀ ☀
Presentations are on Tuesday. Tracy hasn’t talked to Alicia since she skipped out in the art room. She’d ended up on Stiles’ bed crying about how terrible of a friend she is. Stiles wasn’t much help for comforting her but he made her some popcorn and they watched a shitty rom-com.
She’s nervous about going into class today. She’s sure that Alicia had turned her into the devil. She’s probably going to call her out on her mistakes in front of everyone. Maybe she’d even out Tracy and tell everyone how she made out with her three years ago.
“I can’t do this,” Tracy murmurs into her phone.
Lydia sighs on the phone. “Tracy, I’m about to go into a meeting with my professor. You can do this and you will do this. I don’t think Alicia will do anything bad.”
“But she should!” Tracy says. “She absolutely should.”
“Why do you care what she thinks of you anyway?” Lydia asks. “She never wanted to hang around us anyway. Boyd says she’s happy and has other friends.”
Tracy pushes some of her hair out of her face. “I know. I guess it’s the first time we’ve really been around each other since we were eleven and I still feel guilty about losing her friendship.”
“You’ll be okay.” Lydia’s frowning though. Tracy can sense it, even over the phone. “My appointment is about to start. I love you, Tracy.”
“Love you too,” she whispers. “Good luck!”
Lydia thanks her before the line goes dead. Tracy takes a deep breath and walks into the room. All of the artists for the project had already set up their work on display. She looks to see that Liam had butchered a sculpture of Hayden, but smiles when she catches Hayden mooning about it to someone else. Clearly, Hayden is lost in love.
“Tracy, I didn’t know you and Alicia were a thing,” Mason says, scooting up beside her.
She looks at him. Oh god, Alicia had outed her. “Wha–what?”
“Her piece of you.”
“Why would you think that we were a thing?” Tracy asks, staring at him with wide eyes.
“You know what her piece is called, right?” Mason asks. Tracy shakes her head and he points across the room. “You might want to go see it then.”
She makes her way across the room, her heart pounding in her chest. Tracy stumbles when she sees her face. Alicia made her look vulnerable, scared even, and yet there’s a look of steel behind her eyes. Somehow, she’s seeing herself through Alicia’s eyes.
And she’s beautiful.
Tracy’s lips part and she reaches out, wanting to touch the painting, but her hand falls short and she lets it drop. The lighting is perfect. She tries not to laugh in disbelief.
She finally looks down and picks up the title card sitting on the table beside it.
i don’t want to know who i am without you by Alicia Boyd
Subject: Tracy Stewart
Tracy looks in the mirror and sees a monster. She takes all her mistakes and wears them on her sleeves, never letting herself or anyone else forget them. She doesn’t want people to go easy on her or forgive her.
What she doesn’t know is that she is beautiful. When she forgets that she’s a monster, she lets herself laugh brighter than the sun. Tracy has twelve different types of smiles and my favourite is the one where her face gets all soft when she thinks I’m not looking. The one where she remembers how much we cared for each other long ago.
She used to be my best friend and I hope one day she can be that again. I hope that she looks into the mirror and sees the beautiful creature I see. We all have scars and bumps and bruises from the mistakes we make, but we need to learn how to use them to make us stronger. Tracy is the best example of this because no one shines brighter than her.
I hope she accepts this as my apology for ever letting her go.
Tracy reads it twice.
“Hi,” she hears Alicia’s soft voice come. She spins around on her heel to stare at her. “Are you okay?”
Tracy frowns, looking back down at the words on the card. “Did you mean this?”
“Every word,” Alicia says, rubbing her hands together.
Tracy hands the card to her and says, “I need to think.”
She walks out of the room and starts to pace. She doesn’t know how to process this. She wants to call Lydia, but she’s in a meeting with her professor. Tracy could call Allison or Erica or Stiles or Derek. She could probably even call Danny if she wants. But she doesn’t.
She doesn’t because she knows what they’ll all say. Tracy takes a deep breath.
“Tracy?” Alicia asks. “Want to talk about it?”
This time when Tracy turns, she’s made her mind up. She walks straight over to Alicia and presses her lips against hers. She’s not sure it’s the right move. Maybe it’s another mistake she can add to her sleeve. But then Alicia is kissing her back and Tracy is being pressed against the lockers.
Only when they pull apart to catch their breath does Alicia say, “I’m sorry. I’m so sorry.”
“Why are you sorry?” Tracy asks, breathless.
“I shouldn’t have been petty. I shouldn’t have let you go. And that night at the party? I should’ve texted you back the next morning. I should’ve told you that this is what I want,” Alicia murmurs.
“I shouldn’t have chosen Lydia and them over you,” Tracy whispers. “I shouldn’t have kissed you when I was drunk. I should’ve done it sober.”
Alicia’s lips curl. “You just did.”
“I know. It was pretty awesome,” Tracy says.
She’s almost kissing Alicia again when Mason’s voice comes from the door of the art room. “Hey guys? Class is beginning now. You might want to come in.”
Tracy laughs against Alicia’s shoulder and then they walk in. She wonders how she looks now, and if maybe her lips are a little swollen from the hot kiss they had just shared. She takes her seat beside Alicia and reaches for her hand under the table.
Alicia looks at her, surprised and pleased. She bumps her shoulder against Tracy’s.
Things are going to be okay again. Tracy squeezes and when it’s their turn to present, she can’t stop herself from gushing.
Their teacher asks how it was to be a model. Tracy glances at Alicia before she admits, “I couldn’t sit still. It drove Alicia nuts.”
“She was messing with my lighting!”
The class laughs and the teacher launches into some speech about how it’s important to let models know exactly what they’re getting into when they agree to spend time with artists. Tracy doesn’t really care. She had no idea what she was getting into at the beginning of this project, but she thinks it worked out in her favour.
Alicia pulls her out of the classroom at break and they find a space underneath the stairwell to make out some more.
“I’ve wanted to do this since that stupid party in grade nine,” Alicia breathes against Tracy’s lips. “I missed you.”
“I missed you too,” Tracy says, tucking a piece of Alicia’s hair behind her ear. She smiles at her before trailing her lips over Alicia’s collarbone.
“Kiss me, you little monster,” Alicia whispers.
Tracy laughs now and says, “Huh, I thought I would be your little sunshine or something since I shine brighter than the sun.”
“When you’re teasing me like that, you’re a monster,” Alicia responds. But she’s smiling and Tracy knows that everything is about to change for the better.
☀ ☀ ☀