Work Text:
Time of death, fill it in.
Place of death, fill it in.
Cause of death-take a deep breath-
Fill it in.
Light the cigarette, distract the brain.
Pass the bottle, numb the pain.
Tried to save him, already gone.
Don’t want to think, want to move on.
Why would I want to feel?
Why would I want to remember
The day he died.
~
When you’re invincible, you tend to forget not everyone is.
You need a wake-up call sometimes.
But when that call is a child taken from this world to the next by death’s sweet, cold hand
You start to wish you weren’t the bulletproof one.
You start to think, you start to feel, you start to doubt, but-
Pull your head in solider.
The strongest doesn’t get to wish he wasn’t.
The strongest has to be fine.
And refuse to show the signs
That the guilt and sorrow are eating him on the inside
Refuse to let his mental health go into decline
So he has to gaslight his own mind.
Put on his best smile.
Try to make them feel better for a while.
So I won’t show it on my face
But I’ll never forget
The day he died.
~
That was the final straw.
All the cursed parts of our cruel, dull existence we have the nerve to call living
Building up for months, come crashing down now.
He was the best of us.
A ray of sun
In a world so dark.
The mission that killed him
Should’ve been a walk in the park.
I break.
A hollow shell of someone who used to be more
A boy who lost his mind.
Blinded by rage
For a boy whose body was lost
At far too young of an age.
Every deranged thing I’ve done
Every insane thing I’ll do
Is because of the day he died.
~
It’s my fault.
Screaming
It’s my fault.
Lungs torn apart
Oxygen taken up
Find some more.
Thinking
It’s my fault.
Could I have saved him?
I could’ve saved him
Then why didn’t I save him?
Wasn’t I enough?
I wasn’t enough
Why him and not me?
He’s the better half
He should be here.
It’s my fault.
Thoughts- too many
Blurred
Incoherent
Can’t drown them out.
Throat scratched raw, nothing feels real.
Crying
Feels like dying.
When will it end?
When will the pain of living
And battle of survivor’s guilt
Come to an end?
Let me feel okay again?
It won’t.
To say I miss you is an understatement
To say I’m sorry doesn’t suffice.
Apologies- they mean nothing
They won’t bring you back.
Swear to never let this happen again
One time is one too many.
I don’t dare ever forget, hell how could I forget?
The day our hearts were sliced, ripped, carved out of our chests.
The day he died
Was when a part of all of us died too.