Work Text:
The offices are being remodeled, so the executive floor gets shoved out the door right at 6 P.M. every day.
Tom had offered his home—“Or, well, our home,” he had corrected himself seconds after—as an alternative, as a quiet place to go over the potential interview questions GQ is going to be throwing his way in less than twenty-four hours.
But apparently the nanny is sick, so Shiv has been in the nearby living room right off of the kitchen, trying to console a screaming Rosalyn all night, and Karolina thinks the building echoing with the sounds of ear-splitting hammering and power tools over one hundred decibels would have been quieter than this.
There is a distinct tension that she is ignoring—actually, there are two. There is the restless tension that comes from hearing a baby cry for close to an hour, and there is the uncomfortable tension that comes from her boss and his assistant—who doesn’t even need to be here—wanting to fuck each other so bad they’re hardly even paying attention to Karolina’s prep work.
Karolina is the only person here who gives a shit about this interview, and that is a specific frustration she has a hard time hiding. She is ready to plaster on a fake smile and start gathering up her papers, reassuring Tom that he’s got it and she thinks they’re done here, when Rosalyn lets out another piercing cry.
Tom suddenly rises from his chair, begins rolling up one of the sleeves of his shirt and buttoning it at the elbow.
“Let’s…let’s take five, shall we?” he says, does up his other sleeve in the same manner.
Karolina watches him glance into the other room where he no doubt catches a glimpse of Shiv, trying in vain to hush a wailing, baby Rose. Then he turns his attention back to his assistant, gestures for her to stand and follow him.
“Here, let’s—can you, uh, just take me through the scheduling again for tomorrow?” he asks under his breath, places a hand at the small of her back to lead her down the hall.
Karolina hears a door shut and sighs, pinches at the bridge of her nose to ease the dull ache that’s beginning to form behind her eyes.
Karolina wonders what she’s still doing here more often than she looks forward to her future with the company. Which is probably a glaringly obvious sign that it’s time to move on. But she wouldn’t get separation pay. There’d be no severance package. She hasn’t been on the receiving end of workplace misconduct like Gerri, who got out and swears the grass is greener—because, yeah, it probably is when you’re sipping mimosas from your overwater villa in the Maldives with a nice cushion of half a billion dollars courtesy of your ex-employer.
But Karolina has an apartment in the Financial District that isn’t exactly cheap, and she has a retirement fund to consider, and if she resigns now, just as the company has changed ownership, she couldn’t really cite “loyalty” on her resume. No, she will remain loyal to the business, to the brand, just as she always has. The people who work in the business are a different story—bad impressions of morally corrupt Bond villains who make her want to take up smoking again. Frankly, she doesn’t owe them shit.
But there is still one person who she can’t quite manage to separate from it all. Who she still feels obligated to, and Roman had flagged it a while ago, sometime after Norway. An offhand comment about how he knows she’s still “carrying ye olde torch” for his sister.
Karolina pushes her chair back and stands, takes a deep breath before venturing over into the living area.
She hasn’t seen much of Shiv lately. She did get to meet Rosalyn a few weeks ago when they had the first official family photographs for the PR package, and she’s a tiny thing with a button nose and light hair. And impressive lung capacity, Karolina is discovering. But the times she has seen Shiv, she’s been…void. Not angry. Not bitter or even sad. Just sort of hollowed out, like someone has tried to recreate a version of her from memory and failed miserably.
It sets Karolina on edge, that she doesn’t know what to expect when she walks into the room. A Shiv who is unfamiliar is unpredictable, and Karolina likes to understand situations before getting involved. But Rose can’t keep crying like this. Karolina still has to finish priming Tom to be publicly likable, and she has a meeting with her team first thing in the morning, and it’s painfully obvious that Shiv is not having any luck on her own.
The first thing Karolina sees is Shiv standing in the middle of the room, rocking back and forth awkwardly and holding a poorly swaddled Rosalyn with both hands under her back, feet at Shiv’s chest. And that’s a pretty clear problem, just right off—Shiv is holding Rose like a food truck hot dog instead of a human infant.
“Hey,” Karolina says as she approaches slowly, and Shiv probably just barely hears her over Rose, glances up at Karolina briefly, and—god, she looks on the brink. At the end of her rope, blotchy-cheeked and red-nosed like she’s about ten seconds away from making Rose’s screaming into a competition.
Karolina doesn’t try to speak again. Just steps closer and holds her arms out, and Shiv puts up no resistance. She hands Rose over numbly, with heavy limbs and a sour expression. Karolina tugs at Rose’s little, pink blanket to wrap it more tightly around her—loose swaddles make babies upset, right?—then holds her up against her, looks down at her and starts swaying gently while she coos and shushes.
It's nonsense babbling. Just sounds, really. Just something to let Rosalyn know she’s not alone, almost like how Karolina talks to her fluffy, brown tabby at home. Karolina says variations of her name in a soothing voice, repeats Rosie a few times as she bounces her after noticing how it makes her cries turn to softer whimpers.
After a few come-and-go moments of these whimpers, Rose is yawning, still with the occasional grunt of protest, but it’s an undeniable improvement from how she’d been before, and it feels like something of a blessing.
And, finally, silence. Blissful and welcome. Maybe the throbbing at Karolina’s temples will start easing up. Or maybe she’s just toeing too far into wishful thinking now.
Karolina gets it; who doesn’t get a little cranky when they’re tired?
“Are you fucking kidding me,” Shiv nearly shrieks, voice high-pitched and wobbling a bit with emotion.
“I just…held her close,” Karolina offers like an apology, still watching Rose. She’s trying to drift off to sleep now, eyelids fluttering a few times before popping back open, again and again. “So she feels safe.”
Karolina hears Shiv snap before she sees it, a baby bottle of what must be lukewarm milk being backhanded off the end table near the sofa. The clattering thud it makes when it slides across the floor makes Rosalyn’s eyes open wider this time, and she squirms a bit, so Karolina focuses on rocking her more steadily to get her to relax again.
“Hey,” Karolina tries as Shiv collapses onto the sofa, dropping her head into her hands, shoulders shaking. “Shiv, hey, it’s okay. She’s okay, you’re okay—”
“No, it’s fucking not,” Shiv says, voice loud and thick with tears as she raises her head. “This is not okay.”
Karolina keeps her voice measured and even, a balancing act.
“Well, she’s calm now, so, just…I can hold her for a while. I think you should just, you know, take a minute.”
She watches Shiv slump back against the sofa, heaving out a trembling sigh as she stares up at the ceiling, attempting to steel her expression.
“Oh, fuck,” Shiv mutters, sniffles. “I think she knows. Um…that I didn’t want her. I think she hates me.”
Karolina frowns, immediately shakes her head in dissent. She’s not really in a position to be offering advice on motherhood, but she does know Shiv can’t be having thoughts like that.
“Well, no, she—she’s just a baby. She just…she doesn’t know you yet.”
Shiv finally meets Karolina’s gaze, and the few feet of distance between them feel like inches with the way she’s able to look at Shiv and see almost entirely through her. It’s a vulnerability that is both startling and inviting. It makes Karolina want to reach for her. It makes Karolina want to take Shiv in her arms too.
“I don’t know how to…be…like, this wasn’t supposed to—she was supposed to be with Maggie tonight.”
“Right,” Karolina says coolly, wonders if Shiv will fire the nanny just for coming down with a cold. “Tonight. And tomorrow. And the next night—”
“Fuck off,” Shiv fires back, but it lacks any real bite.
And maybe Karolina has overstepped. Maybe. But it’s exceedingly selfish for Shiv to have preconceived notions about a thing that has just come into existence and can’t even speak yet. Like she needs an excuse to not try, to give herself a free pass to neglect a perfectly innocent thing in whatever way she chooses.
Either way, Karolina falls silent for a few moments, looks back down at this sleeping baby in her arms and continues to sway on her feet, shifting her weight from time to time to keep her lulled, to keep her sleeping.
“Did you know?” Shiv finally says after several long minutes. “That Tom’s fucking his assistant?”
Karolina swallows, deliberates her next words. Yes, she knows. Has known. Everyone must know by now. Shiv has probably known the whole time. Maybe she just needs a place to air her grief. So, Karolina lets her, nods sympathetically.
“Yeah. I knew,” she says quietly, because what else is there? She can’t make it better. And pity would only feel trite and patronizing. Sometimes, there is only the soft acceptance of the thing. An acknowledgement, and an offer to stand by with empathy and understanding.
Shiv releases a guttural noise of frustration through her teeth, and it’s all pain, all fury. Rose stirs in Karolina’s arms but doesn’t wake. Just sighs softly and opens and closes her mouth a few times.
“God, so—fucking stupid.” She watches Shiv’s throat tense as she swallows hard, jaw tensing as she bites the inside of her cheek. “I thought I’d be like dad, but…I’m fucking—I’m not. And, like, I don’t know, maybe I never was? I just always…I always thought I’d be…” Shiv gestures vaguely with her hands and lets her words trail off, a distant look in her eyes. “But I’m her. I’m…my mom. It just—christ, it never fucking ends.”
At the vocalization of those words, at the admission of them, Shiv squeezes her eyes shut, rubs at her forehead like the realization is too mentally agonizing for her to handle.
Karolina moves over to the sofa, decides she can’t be this far away from Shiv any longer, not when Shiv looks like this. Not when she so desperately needs someone.
Karolina sits close to her, then glances down at where a bit of Rose’s blanket hangs loose by her arm in excess. She shifts Rose to one arm, then takes the bottom of the blanket in her hand and uses it to reach over and dab at the tear tracks on Shiv’s face—a risky move, but if she loses a hand, she loses a hand.
Shiv laughs, a watery thing that borders on a sob, and halfheartedly recoils. She’s still frowning, but at least she’s not crying. Karolina smiles at that.
Karolina, Head of Communications and Public Affairs, soother of both babies and adults.
Shiv stares down at Rosalyn in Karolina’s arms, shakes her head in something like wonder, or maybe confusion.
“She looks like you,” Karolina comments softly.
“Yeah, I guess,” Shiv agrees, sniffles again. “Fuck, it’s so weird. She’s so…small.”
“Here,” Karolina says, shifting closer to hand Rose over to Shiv, but Shiv puts her hands up and shakes her head stubbornly, eyes widening just a fraction.
“Oh, no. No, she’s—she’s fine now, so. No, you can just put her in the…over there.”
Shiv gestures to the other side of the room where there is a soft pink crib decorated in white lace and bows.
“Okay,” Karolina says gently. “But I think you should, you know…try? That’s all you have to do. Right? Just try.”
Karolina waits patiently, then starts to pass Rose over once more, and Shiv hesitantly extends her arms this time, lets Karolina situate Rose in a tight, warm, comfortable position nestled up against Shiv’s chest.
“What if she wakes up?” Shiv asks, and Karolina sees, for the first time, hears in her voice, that Shiv is fucking terrified.
“You can just talk to her,” Karolina says with a shrug. “Make noises. Smile at her. Touch her face. Like—really, just keep her close. That’s all she wants, I think.”
Shiv takes a deep breath, in then out, and seems to grow more at ease the longer that Rose is in her arms.
“Yeah,” Shiv says, more sincere than Karolina has ever heard. “I think that’s all I wanted too.”
Karolina watches Shiv watching Rose, thinks that for someone who has only ever known love as a form of currency, as something to be hoarded and rarely spent, none of it shows right now. In this moment, Shiv stares at her daughter, at a life she’s made, and perhaps sees their similarities as something to nurture rather than fight.
“You’ll be okay,” Karolina says—promises, really, because she knows it’s true.
Shiv exhales a laugh that could be a scoff, like she doesn’t believe her, but she doesn’t argue.
“You know, my life is complete bullshit. Just, like…total comedy of errors,” Shiv says quietly, sniffles, then draws her eyes up to meet Karolina’s own. “But…this—like, with you…kind of makes me not hate everything so much.”
Shiv smiles at her, small and tired, and Karolina—
Well. Karolina feels that familiar ache in her chest, a soft, dreadful thing she could have sworn she chased away a long time ago.