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What hurts the most when you fall in love is probably not knowing how to navigate your life afterward. Since falling in love with Bobbie, Anaïs hadn't been managing anything. Her friends warned her, her mother warned her, she herself thought that everything would have been better if it hadn't happened. Yet, she had no regrets. She didn't regret confessing her feelings to her, sharing so much time with her, smiling, laughing, and crying. Just for her.
But deep down, she blamed herself. Because she hadn't been there for the one she loved when she needed her the most. And even though she should have faced all the judgments from her loved ones, she would have done anything for that teenager who made her heart beat a little faster every time she was within two meters of her. Because nothing mattered now, because despite everything they had been through, she hadn't listened to her true feelings. She had distanced herself from her sole reason for being, her only reason to fight.
That went well at first, didn't it? Everything had been going smoothly, but deep down, Anaïs might have been too confident. To the point where she had forgotten a large part of her life, remaining focused on the positive while certain things needed addressing. Bobbie wasn't toxic; she just needed time – time to adapt, time to better learn how to navigate their relationship. But fundamentally, Anaïs had believed her to be the one at fault. Instead of supporting her, she had destroyed everything
It was cold at this hour. It could have been any other Friday night, an ordinary evening where she would have shared all her joy cuddling in Bobbie's arms, laughing with her, listening to her talk for hours, just gazing at her. Because she was so beautiful that it was hard to look away.
But not tonight. She was alone, looking through the bus window at the raindrops falling on the city. Of course, she hadn't brought an umbrella. It just wasn't her day. She then turned her head away from the outside, focusing on the few late passengers around her.
There were two young people, probably siblings, staring at their phones without even exchanging a glance. There was this guy, casually positioned in his seat, reading a Stephen King book without bothering to pay attention to what was happening around him. An old woman, alone, knitting a scarf. A stressed businessman, constantly checking his watch almost three times per minute, as if each glance at it marked his death sentence. And then, there were these two girls. They were sitting at the back, laughing, like Bobbie and her just a few days ago. Why did everything have to come back to Bobbie ?
When the bus stopped, she immediately got out, wanting to distance herself from these two girls who reminded her so much of the one she loved. It was too painful; everything had become too difficult for her. She tried to calm down, walking in the rain for a few more minutes until she reached her home. To go inside and never have to face the world and its thoughts that were so absurd that she couldn't even act properly anymore. But here, once again, life tested her. And time stood still.
She was there, right in front of her home. It seemed like she had been waiting for her in the rain all this time, without anything to cover herself. And the worst part was that she didn't seem to care. She wore simple, ripped jeans, her usual beanie matching her gray down jacket. Seeing her, Anaïs felt her heart skip a beat. Why, even in these worst moments, did she have to be so beautiful? Immediately, Anais almost backed away, turned around, acted as if she hadn't seen her, and continued on her way home. But Bobbie was already approaching her, almost running. She couldn't turn back now. She was going to have to face her, against her will.
'If you're here to blame me for not supporting you, it's really not the-"
"I didn't come for that."
She had spoken before Anais could even finish her sentence. Her voice sounded hurried, fearful, as if the confidence she had always possessed had faded just by opening her mouth. It was almost painful to witness because facing her now was probably the most painful thing to do.
"I came to apologize."
"I thought you didn't want to see me anymore."
"You know very well I never thought that."
A silence settled in, with neither of them speaking. A palpable tension hung in the air, and it was clear that the words to follow would either mend or break everything. Yet, neither took the first step. They stood there, face to face, eyes locked. A slight breeze had even picked up, causing Anais to shiver. But she didn't care, to be honest. Because Bobbie had all her attention, even in this moment.
"Listen... I know I messed up. Truly. But I couldn't tell you, I couldn't bring myself to say things, you know? I'd never met someone like you, I needed time. Time to open up completely and admit that I'm probably not the purest person around."
Her voice broke in the last second, but she immediately regained composure. There was no way she would show vulnerability in this moment. Anais knew her now: she knew she didn't want to show herself to people, that she had always kept everything to herself to the point of withdrawing when things weren't going well. But Anais didn't hate her for it, despite everything.
"But the truth is, I can't handle it. I've never been able to manage it; I've never tried to fight to get better. But since I've known you, I really want to change."
She then let out a sigh of frustration, as if trying to put words to what she was feeling was far too complicated for her. Nevertheless, she didn't take her eyes off her, with the same expression as that time on the bus, that look that foolishly made Anais want to never leave her side again. Anaïs found herself staring into those vulnerable brown eyes. She had never seen this expression before.
"I'm sorry."
From where she was, up close, Anaïs could admire each of her features. She seemed unable to utter a single word, her gaze anchored in the hazel eyes of her companion. She read so much in this brief moment that she could have drowned in it, let herself be carried away, forgetting the very meaning of her own existence. Bobbie didn't break eye contact, and in one breath, she declared in a rush :
"I'm really sorry because, I was scared. I tried my best to act like an ideal person, someone you can always count on, someone you can always confide in if things aren't going well. But it's tougher than I that. It was always like that. And you, you left."
She moved even closer to her and exclaimed:
"And after that, you sent me such mixed signals that I found it even harder to get you out of my head. And I hated you. Cause I never blamed you, Anaïs."
It was said. Anaïs knew it; there was no turning back. She couldn't face all the conflicting emotions rising within her: relief, impatience, and fear too. She didn't blame her. She had never blamed her. So why had she backed down that day? Why hadn't she dared to stand up for her, as anyone else would have? She knew now. Out of pride. Just for that seemingly trivial thing, yet so significant in the moment.
It was still raining, and Anais was likely to end up completely soaked on the sidewalk, but she didn't care. She was going to have to be honest; she was going to have to make her understand that nothing was lost. That never, ever again would she try to turn her back on her. It was her time to speak.
"I know it's complicated, that everything we went through probably didn't matter to you, but I can't continue like this. I know I was blind, that I didn't even realize your feelings, and I always blamed you. I was afraid, Bobbie, so afraid that people would judge us for who we were, that confessing everything would only make things worse. But it's over. Because now, I see you. I see you, just as you are. And the rest doesn't matter."
The face of her friend seemed unreal to her. Every surface of her skin, every feature of her face - from the curve of her eyelashes to her freckles - gave her the appearance of an ancient deity.
"So, if I still have the slightest chance to stay by your side, I want to seize it. I want to be with you, I want to be there for you. Screw them all if it allows me to love you the way I want to."
She released a fleeting smile as a tear rolled down her cheek. She didn't try to hide it, she didn't attempt to break eye contact. She didn't try to turn away from the woman in front of her who was getting dangerously closer. Then, with the expression of a trapeze artist launching above the ground without a safety net, Bobbie pressed her lips against hers.
If there existed in this world a word to define the moment she was experiencing, Anaïs wouldn't even have known which one to use. Nothing else mattered, nothing had any importance in this moment.
It was a fiery kiss. It was a kiss that took her breath away. It wasn't like all their other kisses; it was as if all their emotions were infused into this kiss, as if simply embracing each other was enough to understand one another. This time, there was no anticipation : Anaïs was indeed thrown into the deep end. It was her first kiss, her first real kiss with her. with someone who mattered, someone she loved. In those few moments, Anaïs opened her eyes just in time to see Bobbie pull her back and reduce the distance between them once again.
Anaïs was on the verge of madness; nothing else occupied her mind but the sensory overload of the girl's lips in front of her, Bobbie's thumb and index finger gently tilting her chin, her scent, and Bobbie's other hand caressing her cheek. Seconds and minutes slowed down and sped up simultaneously, and when it was finally over, Anaïs couldn't say how much time had passed.
She reluctantly opened her eyes, still dazed, and Anaïs found herself able to clearly see Bobbie's face, her mind racing a mile a minute. The woman in front of her, also slightly out of breath, wore an expression surprisingly similar to the one she had worn that day. The day Anaïs had fallen in love with her, desperately, from the depths of her being.
Perhaps due to self-awareness, the first thing the girl thought to do was to look for a potential sign of regret on her friend's face. From her slightly blushing cheeks to the promising gleam in her eyes - and the beginning of a smile tugging at her lips - Anaïs found no signs of such. Feeling that Bobbie's face was still just a few inches from hers, Anais's heart pounded heavily in her chest, in her ears, in every curve and crevice of her body. She felt her heart beating everywhere and nowhere at the same time. Even though it was torture for her, Anaïs closed her eyes for fear that all of this might be just a dream.
Then, she heard the laughter of the girl in front of her. The same laughter she had heard so much, the one she loved listening to, and suddenly, she had no reason to be afraid anymore. So, she opened her eyes again and simply rested her forehead against the blonde girl's. They stayed there, in the rain, without saying anything, for a few more minutes. All the anxiety Anaïs had felt in the past few days, all the guilt, all the fear, vanished as quickly as they had appeared.
"I love you."
It was at that precise moment that Anaïs realized she was crying. Maybe the rain hadn't helped with that. Why did she always have to be so ridiculous every time this blonde girl appeared in her life? With a simple gesture, Bobbie wiped away her tears, with a gentle tenderness that was so comforting that the young girl didn't even try to hide that she had let go.
"I'm the one who loves you the most, idiot."
She hugged her, just like that. And Anaïs didn't try to pull away. She was still too stunned to say another word, and she intended to enjoy the warmth of her partner a little longer. Bobbie gave her a big smile, gently took her hand, and then looked towards her girlfriend's house. There were still so many things to face, like their parents, separated though they were, but whose reaction could be the most fearsome. There was also Hanne. And Finn. And everything else.
Yet, at the moment, they didn't care about any of that. It was the end of a long period of setbacks, of a time of loneliness. If only the rest could be as easy. Bobbie nudged Anaïs towards her home, questioning her with her eyes, before the question she had been so eager to ask finally crossed her lips :
"Are we diving in?"
No matter what the future held for them, no matter what was in store for them in the days to come, Anaïs had never been so happy in her entire life. So alive. And that was all that mattered for the moment. It wasn't the happy ending she had imagined. It wasn't even the end at all. But it was hers. This entire moment belonged to her, as much as to the person she now shared her life with.
She knew it would hurt others. That Hanne would feel betrayed. That her mom would lose it the moment she saw them together. Maybe it was a mess, everything was changing. But it was enough for her. She felt ready, ready to share this wild dance on the tightrope of fate. Ready to face whatever came their way.
So, with all the courage she had in that simple moment, she gave a big smile to the woman of her dreams and walked straight towards home. Nothing happens by chance, and if she had to fight for both of them, she would. She would do it for Bobbie, as much as for the continuation of their story.
"We're diving in."
Because the rest didn't matter anymore.