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Reaching for your mail, you pause.
You hear muffled sounds of a struggle, muttered creative non-cursing. The noises of blows, and… it’s like, bubble wrap under duress?
What on Earth?
“-Insufferable, second rate, plastic prison!!” A very familiar voice emanates from… the small package before you, and you freeze.
“What…” Your own voice brings silence to the violence within the parcel, and quiet descends long enough to think you’d imagined one of your favorite characters a little too vividly, and that was all. So you act on autopilot, and bring in the mail.
Still, as you lift scissors to open the envelope, you pause.
What if you hurt hi-
You shake your head helplessly at your thoughts, slice through the seal to get to your much anticipated Megamind merch, and-
-It happens so fast.
Like a bat slipper kicked from evil foot, a small blue-black blur darts for freedom.
Moving too fast, Megamind is running towards the edge of your table and-
He skids, he falls.
You’ve reached out to catch him before thought, all concern for your favorite blue man. He stumbles into your palm and shrieks.
“WHAAA- at are you?!” You blink down at…at tiny Megamind, and can’t immediately reply. He’s already reaching for the gun at his belt-
“-Wait! You’d fall!” Megamind narrows his eyes at you, breathing shakily. “If you use the de-gun I would drop-”
“You know who I am.” It’s not a question, but you nod. Taking a quick peek over the side of your nearest finger, Megamind notes the distance to the floor and frowns. His eyes return to your face, as he folds his arms hard enough to mostly conceal their quivering.
And you both stare.
At length, your stomach rumbles. Megamind’s face pales, and you shake your head to correct him.
“I’m not- I won’t- I don’t wanna eat you!” He does not look assured. “I just…just haven’t had lunch.” He’s still staring. Still stiff, still shaking. You sigh. Suspending disbelief, you gently move your hand back towards your table, waiting until he steps off to relative safety. He’s watching you closely, incredulously, as you move towards your cabinets. “You’re not allergic to any foods, or, are you?” No reply.
In your daze, you can’t dredge up the brainpower needed to make a proper meal. So you grab some cans and sit down on your chair. You set the food containers down a distance away from where he stands, and. He’s still staring, wide eyes darting between you and the distance of a potential drop.
You offer him a nut.
He jerks away from your hand so fast he nearly falls off the edge again, catching himself last second on his prior encasement. The envelope slides slightly with him, before he is out of danger and you can breathe again. You set the nut on the table slowly, and gradually withdraw your hand.
“I’m sorry.” He blinks at you and says nothing, breathing heavily. You lower your head and measure your movements as you nibble. At the corner of your vision, Megamind eyes the abandoned nut, then looks away. “How long were you in the mai- er, in there?” Megamind clears his throat, and you hesitantly raise your head.
“What…do you want?” You can’t think of a reply. Megamind raises his hands, drops them to his sides, and grumbles. “Really. What is the point of- this- whatever-this-is!” He scowls bravely up into your eyes. “What is your master plan?!”
“...Maybe I’ll get cereal…?” Megamind slams his face into both of his palms. You should…try to pull your thoughts together. You force down your dreamstate reaction to unreality. “Oh. I’m. I’m just a fan.” Lifting his head by degrees, Megamind’s squinting eyes bore into you.
“...Very well.” Huh? “Your shrink ray is quite effective, what accolades do you want in exchange for-”
“-I didn’t shrink you?” Megamind removes his hands from his face, and gapes his jaw.
“Then who?”
“I…” You wrack your brains for how any of this is remotely possible, but you… “Don’t know?” Megamind’s face goes unreadable, eerily static for one usually so emotive. You aren’t sure how to react to that, or to any of this really, so. You go back to eating, deep in thought.
…Megamind has been quiet for a while. Is that like him, when he’s upset? Unlike him? It’s probably more unlike him to just sit still… now that you’re thinking of it, you look up properly-
-and catch Megamind moving a hand down your phone screen.
“Hey, don’t-!” you reflexively start to reach out, but manage to stop your movement before you scare him as badly as before. He leaps away regardless; Google maps shows the roof of your apartment’s complex, and you blink at Megamind in wonder. “How did you-? Nevermind. Genius. Really should have seen that coming.” At least he knows where he is, now? Maybe he feels better…?
You work with your more reasonable thoughts, pushing down the mild panic that has been rising since a self pronounced supervillain popped out of- since a fictional character appeared in your apartment. You eye Megamind somewhat warily, and he eyes you at least as warily back. He’s as short as your salt shaker, he’s…he’s so tiny. Your lips quirk up into a smile, and your unlikely ‘guest’ frowns.
“What?” Megamind’s question brings you back to the dubious reality of your situation. “What are you smili- is this- am I amusing to you?” Megamind stands seething next to a nut bigger than his shoes; in a fit of frustration, he kicks at it with all his mini might. The nut tilts your general direction, and he cries out in pain. “EVIL’S SAKE-!” Even through your worry that he’s broken a toe, you can’t help yourself; the ridiculousness of the situation hits you like a train, and you double over in laughter. Megamind goes worryingly silent. For all of two seconds. “Oh, yes, how truly evil, delight in my pain, you savage.” You cackle uncontrollably, and he shrieks. “You mad- ok, I’ll say it, genius, you’ve foiled my every angle of escape, trapped me without bindings, confounded my sense of direction, you diabolical-”
Unable to stop howling, you wheeze, and lean against the wall. Holy heck, what is going on. Your head hurts, your own laughter and Megamind’s reedy pitched outrage is suddenly too much. You turn and head towards your bedroom.
“Don’t you turn your back on me!” You continue heading towards escape, but Megamind is still furious. “Who do you think you are, I’m talking to you- you- you can’t-” an abrupt pause. “You can’t just leave me here!” You stop, half turning, to see the brilliant Minimind balanced precariously at the end of your table, horrified. “That- that would be…” he trails off, then keeps going. “Uncouth! Unprofessional…!”
He’s right, though. You can’t just leave him like that. So you head back towards the table, reaching out for his cape.
His hand is at his hip in an instant, and in his grip is-
-You are cold. Megamind is gaping at you, flabbergasted, degun held in limp fingers. It falls to the table with a dainty, useless -tak- .
“Wh-wha?” You look down at your jacket, to see it covered in a fine layer of frost. You look back to Megamind, who appears to have stopped breathing.
“...Megamind?” you hazard, and he collapses onto the table’s surface.
“Y…you’re not real,” Megamind mutters, “none…none of this is real…!”
“...Ok,” you agree, and turn determinedly towards your bed.
…
You wake gradually from the strangest dream you’ve had in months to a… vaguely familiar, acrid tang in the air.
-Something’s burning.
You hurry out of bed and follow the horrid scent, lead towards-
Oh, oh no.
A small, rainbow coated figure balances over your decimated tv remote, hefting a lighter half as big as himself.
Were those melted rubber bands? Wait, what on Earth was he-?!
“Stop that! What are you-?! ” You cry, but you know it’s too late. His reply is a heavy groan.
“I’m working, what does it look like??” For a moment, you have no words.
“...The Michelin Man,” you manage breathlessly, then it clicks. “On what- burning the complex down?!”
“That’d be a start-” Megamind parries, and you are not having this. You grab the end of the lighter, shaking it gently. Megamind clings to his improv welder with admirable strength, but to no avail. Soon the item is relinquished and the small man flops over, bristling with indignation. “I had it first-”
“I can’t believe this,” you mutter to yourself, “what is happening?”
“Innovation, innovation was happening, until you so rudely-” You tune out the tirade, sadly taking in the remains of your remote control.
“Why have you done this?”
“Were you listening at all?!”
“Not really,” you admit, and sigh deeply. “Someone wake me from this nightma-”
Your doorbell rings.
“Oh? Were you expecting company…?” You frown, shaking your head. “Well, regardless, it would make you a pretty poor host to leave visitors out on the porch, wouldn’t it?” Something is amiss, but you can’t quite put a finger on it. …Megamind’s smile is far too innocent.
“What did you-” You begin, and the doorbell rings again.
“Are you gonna get that…?” Megamind’s left eyebrow climbs steadily up his forehead, and now you are certain something is wrong.
“No,” you say, “I will no-”
-DIIIIIINNNNG-
“Well…whoever they are…it sounds… urgent.”
“I won’t-” -DIIIIIIIINNNNNNNGGGGGG- “Fine! Fine, I’ll get it!”
“Oh,” Megamind whispers just audibly, “oh yes, you will.” Pushing aside your dread, you make your way to the door. You haven’t even opened it a crack, when a small figure bolts past you and flees across your doorstep. You pause for an instant, hand still on the doorknob, and try to process today’s events.
“Hello?” Someone calls from the other side of the door, so you open it wider. A woman stands there with a pasted on, professional grin. “We have your delivery, if you could just sign here-” You nod absently, then frown.
“What delivery…?” The tired woman frowns, shifting a large box in her arms.
“One dozen premium imported durians, as per urgent request” she intones blandly, then smiles unpleasantly. “Please sign here.” Unsure how else to proceed, you sign your initials next to your name and drag the heavy parcel inside.
You close the door and just stand there a minute, staring disbelieving down at the invoice on your unexpected package. The price was…! And there, clear as day, was a custom message for you.
‘Enjoy the fruits of your failure, LOSER.’ You stare a moment longer, before leaning back on the door with a groan.
Eventually, you leave the package and head back into your apartment. You figure you can make yourself some tea and relax; you need this.
…
You surface from your nap to a terrible, horrible, no good very bad smell. Gagging impulsively, you force yourself towards the second scent epicenter of the day.
The durians. The rank odor seeping from the box is ripe and absolutely horrendous. Pushing yourself not to give in, you open the door and drag it outside as far as you can manage before hurrying back indoors.
You still smell it. Glade, Febreeze, anything, oh something save your poor suffering nose. Throwing open the windows, propping open the door, spraying every scent you have, is not quite enough.
Then, later. The yelling.
“Did something die in the air vents?!” Your neighbor, who you’ve talked to all of twice, screams down through the ceiling. Knowing he can’t see your response you throw your hands in the air and groan.
“Supervillain…!” You bemoan to yourself, speaking brokenly around the repurposed ear plugs up your nose. “I swear,” you mumble in frustration to yourself, “if I see him again…!”
-crinkle-
A suspicious noise from your cupboards reminds you the door had been open for the last hour, until the durians had mysteriously vanished, with the appearance of another charge to your credit card.
A creeping notion strikes you. What’s small enough to fit in the cupboard?
“...Racoons?” You whisper hopefully to yourself, edging cautiously closer. Then, a tell-tale flash of light. You facepalm, hard. “...Megamind?” You call.
“Yeph?” Another flash of light from beneath the cupboard door, and you are so done.
“What are you doing in there?”
“Wphat do you fink?” You open the small door and groan.
“Did you have to use the de-stroy setting…?” Flakes of Cheeto dust coat the inside of your usually tidy space, scorched holey chip bags lying at odd angles around the munching Megamind. He angles another Cheeto towards his mouth and takes a vicious bite.
“Gross,” you say, noting the powder covering his face. He waves elaborately, curling his orange dyed fingers delicately through the air.
“Go ‘way,” Megamind demands, and. You are. Done.
“No,” You hiss, “You go away!” More munching, no reply. You grab the rest of your Cheeto from resistant arms, and crunch it down yourself. He gapes at you angrily.
“Choke on that,” he pouts, and you roll your eyes.
“Why did you come back?” You want to know, and Megamind hisses.
“Where else was I supposed to go?” Your mouth flies open to make a retort, which you then realize you don’t have. Abruptly, awkward silence fills the air. Megamind’s eyes are wide, accusatory, and watering. Oh… “I don’t know where I am,” he chokes, “The maps…the maps are wrong.”
“...Wrong?” You inquire, and he waves his orange dusted arms upwards.
“Metrocity doesn’t… exist.” He whispers gravely. “It doesn’t…” he chokes again on air, eyes widening. “It doesn’t exist!!” Your stomach sinks as you watch Megamind spiral towards despair.
“I-” You begin softly, and then he growls at you.
“What have you done?!” he cries.
“What do you mean?” You flounder, and he just glares.
“Is this your plan?” He spits out, “To drive me mad, to drive me to…” trailing off, he looks towards the top of the cupboard, somber. “What is your end game…?”
“Are you ok?” You ask, unsettled by the implications of what he’s thinking. When he next meets your eyes, his reflect your earnest questioning tiredly.
“...You…you don’t know what’s happening… either, do you?” You blink, then honestly shrug. He slowly closes his damp green eyes.
You back up slowly from the sad man in your cupboard, and quietly return to your room. Megamind needs space; and you do, too.
…
You can’t just sit with your thoughts any longer; you’re no closer to understanding, and.
Megamind’s glossy eyes falling shut, in defeat.
Memory has you heading back to the cupboards, a lump in your throat.
You find him lying on an emptied chip bag, eyes half closed; but before you can back away, he’s heaving himself to his feet.
He looks… so tired. He blinks at you, blankly.
“What is it.” he intones, and you shake your head.
“I’m just here to…”
“To?”
“I’m… checking on you.” Megamind sighs.
“Not even the de-stroy setting would affect you… at worst it would scorch a few hairs. I reviewed the math. Your form is too dense for-”
“-I wasn’t asking about-”
“-I’m harmless to you,” Megamind drones, “Happy?” You shake your head again, more worried than before.
“I meant, how are you… feeling?” Megamind blinks again; once, twice.
“Why are you really here.” …Oh…
“...I’m sorry.” Megamind’s eyebrows fly up his cranium. “That I yelled at you.” Megamind’s eyebrows remain elevated.
“Come again?” His words are laconic. You take a deep breath.
“I was angry…” you admit, “...but it’s not like I hate you.” You pause again, unsure what to add, but. “I want you to be ok…” Megamind goes stiff, and then.
He laughs, unhappily.
“I thought we were done with these mind games?” He insists, “Or did you actually enjoy-” you keep shaking your head, helplessly.
He still won’t believe you, and… you aren’t really sure why you didn’t expect this. But you straighten your posture, and meet his gaze once more. …You have an idea.
“What about a truce?” Now, you watch as his expression grows serious.
“...You aren’t my enemy?”
“I’m not.”
“But… you’re calling a truce.” You nod. Megamind stares into your eyes for so long you have to blink, before nodding himself.
“Fine…I’ll consider your proposal.” You feel the stirrings of a smile. “What are your terms?”
“I have three terms.” He nods, gesturing for you to continue. “One: no more destroying my things.”
“Mm,” Megamind hums noncommittally.
“Two: No more messing with my credit.” You shudder. “I’m gonna be feeling that for-.” Megamind’s mouth twitches with impish amusement, and you cut yourself off with a sigh. “Three? No more durians. Ever.” Megamind has the gal to chuckle.
“You must admit, that was a pretty good-”
“No more.”
“Hm,” Megamind hums again, “And if I agree to your terms, what’s in it for me?”
“I’ll help you invent, and buy you supplies…within reason.” Those eyebrows, again. You continue. “You can stay here. And I’ll make sure you eat. And drink water.” Megamind huffs, perhaps in surprise.
“I can go a while without those, you know.”
“...And then become a Cheeto?” He blinks. “Will your cape ever recover?” You gesture to his ornament, orange smudged like most of him, and.
Finally, he laughs for real.
“Oh, it can take much worse. …My boots, however…” He squints down at their powdered state. “...Hm.” Then he looks up, and tilts his head. “Why are you smiling?”
“You laughed,” you answer happily, and his neck stiffens for a moment before he rolls his eyes. But his shoulders slightly loosen, and his posture falls gradually more natural as you keep hashing out the details of your truce.
…
“Ugh,” Megamind enunciates for the third time, and you fight not to laugh. The doll clothes he temporarily and grudgingly wore were simultaneously too small and baggy in odd places, looking both uncomfortable and like a serious fashion faux pas. You politely don’t chuckle as you zip most of his normal outfit into your smallest mesh laundry bag.
“It doesn’t look…that bad on you,” you attempt to console him, and he wrinkles his nose.
“Your hair is a mess,” he retorts, and you gasp in false affront.
“At least I have hair.” You set a warmed sudsy soap pan of water on the floor beside Megamind, and leave the bathroom so he can de-Cheeto.
…
“No, the bent nose pliers.”
“The which?” Megamind responds by climbing up your sleeve, and pointing from atop your wrist.
“You use them like-” You watch Megamind gesture animatedly as he explains with a rapid excitement; you’re so engrossed, yet you almost lose track of the knowledge he’s imparting. “-you listening?”
“Yes,” you fib, and he elbows you in the cheek. You giggle, and he gestures skyward in exaggerated exasperation.
“Evil gods, you suck at this.”
“But hey, I’m here to be the muscle, right?” Megamind nods grandly, shrugging as though put upon.
“Well, yes bu-”
~gurgle~
Megamind’s stomach announces an invention time out, much to his dismay.
“...It’s really time for us to eat, now.”
“No, I can keep going!”
“You’re hungry, aren’t you?”
“Yes but, we haven’t even finished adjustments to the-”
“-We already finished your seat in the flying drone,” you cut in, and Megamind huffs.
“I still say we could have got a better one.”
“The one we got is safe…and within budget .” Megamind ignores your words, muttering to himself as he straps himself into his tiny chair.
“We could have got the better one… for free. ” You shake your head, he rolls his eyes, and you stick out your tongue. “...Very mature.”
…
Distantly, you hear your name. A familiar voice is calling you, so you pry open your eyes. Megamind squats on your bed’s headboard, his drone parked on your side table. He’s frowning.
“Whut’s up?” With a sigh, Megamind sits and dangles his feet. You sit up too, so you won’t fall back asleep too soon.
“I had a…dream.”
“About?” You lightly pry, and Megamind looks up at you somberly.
“Minion.”
“...Ah.” You aren’t sure what else to say, so you’re glad when Megamind is the one to continue the conversation.
“We were in the Lair. We were planning a kidnapping… of Roxanne Ritchi.” You nod. “Minion had made me a snack… and. We were laughing.” Megamind then stops speaking.
“What happened next?” You inquire, and Megamind shrugs, kicking his legs.
“I woke up.” You nod, forcing sleep from your mind so you can properly reply.
“...You miss your friend, huh.”
“...Yes.” Megamind’s voice warbles. “Yes, I do.” You hum empathetically.
“Well…I know I’m no Minion, but.” You yawn, struggling to stay focused. “I’m here. For you, I mean.” Megamind nods jerkily, yet faintly smiles. You feel new waves of tiredness pull at you, as you yawn again.
“Do you need more sleep?” Megamind’s voice is low, quiet.
“Mm…only if you’re ok.”
“...Get your rest,” your little houseguest commands, “I’ll be here tomorrow.”
“Mmkay…” Pulling up your covers, you’re already half out. Megamind’s next words are so quiet, you almost don’t hear them.
“...Thank you. …Friend.”
…
Reaching for your mail, you pause.
Remnants of a lovely dream tickle at the back of your mind, only growing stronger as you lift a much anticipated envelope.
Opening the thin package, you see your favorite blue man.
You can’t help but smile.