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It’s not even half past four in the morning when Dean rolls over; he’s awake, too hot to sleep in the midsummer mornings. He loops a loose arm over his boyfriend’s waist and shuffles in a little closer.
“Dean…” Castiel whines sleepily. “It’s too hot for that.”
“It’s never too hot for this, Cas.” Dean teases, planting a kiss to Castiel’s bare shoulder.
“What time is it anyway?” Castiel’s voice is quiet in the dark morning.
“Early… too early, I was too hot to sleep.” Dean explains. He shuffles around a bit to remove the lump of fabric that’s under his hip and returns to a more comfortable position.
“You’re insufferable,” Castiel snorts. “Too warm to sleep, but you’re cold enough to hug me.”
“Yep.” Another kiss, this time to Castiel’s neck and he squirms.
“That tickles.” He rolls over so he’s facing Dean; Castiel can see his eyes reflecting the small light that comes from one of the street lamps outside, filtering through the curtains. He just looks at Dean for a while. He can’t really see his face with such little light but he really looks at what he can see, the shape of his nose, only slightly crooked from a fight he had in high school – “should’a seen the other guy,” Dean always said – the fluffy hair and the angled jaw. Castiel runs his hands round Dean’s face, framing it gently with clammy hands before leaning in and kissing him, soft and gentle, and warming, even if it is too hot. “Hey.”
“Hey.” Dean replies simply, like he does every lazy morning they have together. Dean presses their foreheads together, his free arm going under Castiel’s neck and carding through his thick, wild hair.
“I want to go somewhere, Dean.” Castiel declares after several moments of silence.
“Sure, we could head uptown to that park you like?”
“No, I meant travel a bit.” Dean can see the wonder in Castiel’s eyes as he tells him. He’d mentioned travelling before in passing, that he’d like to go after college sometime, but that’s about it. It had never come up as an actual ‘let’s do this’ conversation before.
“I’m sure Dad will let me take the Impala for a week or two and we can visit some states, see the sights.” Dean smiles. Now that Castiel has mentioned it, a week in the Impala with Cas at his side sounds great. A perfect end to their summer.
“No… Dean…” Castiel breaks from holding Dean’s face and props himself up on an elbow. The covers fall to his waist and Dean takes in the sight of his bare, smooth chest. Dean just isn’t getting it and Castiel huffs. “I want to go somewhere exciting. I want to visit Peru and see the ancient Inca lines and go to England and I want to go to Paris and Russia and Japan and China and Australia.”
“Oh.” Is all Dean says and the brightness in Castiel’s eyes seems to disappear.
“What?” Castiel wonders, sitting up properly now and crossing his legs. Dean is still lying down on his side but he rolls on his back, puffing out a breath of air and staring intently at the ceiling. “Dean? Are you okay? Do you not want to travel with me?”
“Yes… I mean, no… fuck. I don’t know Cas.” Dean shuts his eyes, but Castiel places his hand on Dean’s shoulder.
“You don’t want to travel with me?” Hurt – that’s what Dean hears and he knows he’s fucked up right then.
Dean doesn’t really know what to tell him; they’ve been together since the eighth week of college and Castiel still doesn’t know about his fear of flying. It’s not that he doesn’t want to tell Castiel, it just never seemed to come up in conversation. Ever. So now Dean’s brain has charged into overdrive telling him that Castiel will never forgive him for not telling him or will try to coddle him into doing it anyway and facing his fears, like the time Sam tried to do it once. ‘What ifs’ and ‘no, can’t do it’ float around in Dean’s head, working themselves up into a tornado of anxiety.
“Dean?” Castiel prompts. It’s still there, that hurt, that discomfort that maybe Dean’s having second thoughts about him. Maybe it’s just early and they should just forget this conversation ever happened and Castiel can just go back to day dreaming about hiking to the top of the Eiffel Tower or wandering round Neuschwanstein Castle in Germany trying to work out which parts he’s seen in Chitty Chitty Bang Bang, or exploring the pyramids in Giza. Castiel just wants to go somewhere, anywhere. With Dean. With his boyfriend. With the person he loves.
“I can’t travel, Cas,” Dean admits, his voice quiet, reserved like he’s scared of telling him.
“With me? Why not?” Dean can hear the confusion in Castiel’s voice as he rubs his thumb against Dean’s warm skin and places his other hand on his bare chest, feeling his heart beat underneath his rib cage.
“No, it’s not you; I just… I can’t fly in a plane. I just can’t.”
“You’re scared of flying? You never told me that.” Castiel keeps his voice steady, knowing that one wrong tone of voice that sounds like he’s laughing at him would lose Dean’s trust.
Dean shuffles and squirms a little. “It never came up, okay?” He tells him defensively, though after a second, Dean realises it came out harsher than expected.
“We can travel the states if you would prefer, there are plenty of places I’d like to visit.” Castiel suggests.
“No, it’s okay, it’s something you really want to do, I can tell. You could just go with your brother, or Charlie, I’m sure someone would love to go with you.” Dean attempts a reassuring smile even though he knows that Castiel can see right through it.
“But I wanted to go with you, Dean.” Castiel huffs. “We’ll travel the states, I promise, it’ll be good!”
“I could always just get really drunk and go on a plane?” Dean suggests quietly, more to himself than Castiel. Just the mere thought of boarding a plane makes Dean’s heart race.
“Dean… you’re not getting drunk and going on a plane. I’m sure there are medications though, that you can take that will make the plane ride easier?”
“There are?”
“There are, or I can hold your hand.” Dean chuckles a little at the remark.
“Both would be great.”
“My mother was scared of flying and she used to take some anti-anxiety medication, but eventually we just got her on the plane without it and after a while she just got used to the whole flying concept. Sort of like exposure and I dunno, one day she just wasn’t scared of flying any more. So, if you wanted we could always try the medication but I’d say I could keep you occupied during the flight.” Castiel smiles as Dean listens intently to his boyfriend.
“That… Um… It sounds great, Cas. I’ll think about it. I’m sorry.”
“It’s okay.”
“Will you lie back down with me? We’ve got another three hours until you have to leave and I don’t have any classes today.” Castiel wriggles himself back from his sitting position to lying down facing Dean, their foreheads touching and their legs tangled.
“I trust you, Cas.”
“That’s good to know. I’m serious though, we could even take a practice flight. Go and visit my parents in Illinois. It’s only an hour flight, almost not even worth it, but I’d do it with you.”
“Where do you want to visit first?” Dean asks smiling, nuzzling down to bury his face into Castiel’s neck.
“Paris.”
“You old romantic.” Dean breathes, making sure he’s closer to Castiel.
“You love it.”
“I love you.” Dean retorts.
They lay quietly for what seems forever, both realising that neither of them are going to go back to sleep, just content to lie there in a comfortable silence.
“Hey, Cas.”
“Yes, Dean?”
“Just a small issue… aside from the whole flying thing.”
“What?” Castiel wonders curiously.
“I think I should probably get a passport first.” He chuckles and Castiel giggles too.
“That would probably be a good idea.”