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Tomura has been staring at the wall for a while. He doesn't know when he started, nor if he will ever stop. He doesn't know its color, shape, or general definition. He doesn't see it.
But Tomura stares at it.
He stopped having cohesive thoughts a while ago, maybe he slept for some time, but it's not something he can grasp at this point.
You're dissociating very hard right now, huh? A little voice says at the back of his mind and it sounds like Keigo. He doesn't have the power to process that right now.
The bed dips near him, and Tomura blinks. His eyes are dry.
He stops staring at the wall and sees Keigo, although a little blurry. Oh, so maybe that voice wasn't only in his head.
His boyfriend is still talking and his mind is still not processing any of it, so he tries to move his leg instead, but a spike of pain on his back around his kidney area makes him stop. He should be worried about that, maybe. Probably.
He sighs and taps Keigo once on the thigh (it was supposed to be twice but oh, well), cringing. Getting your senses back after a while away can be quite gross, actually. His mouth tastes like shit and his hair is disgustingly greasy (is that spit running down his chin?).
Tomura blinks again, trying to make sense of Keigo. He stopped talking.
His boyfriend is staring at him softly, waiting. Seeing that Tomura is coming back, he smiles and combs the other man's hair out of his face. “Hey there, look who's back. You've been away for a while."
Tomura cleans his throat while rubbing his eyes, taking the sleep out of them. “What day is it?” he sounds rough, maybe a little water would be nice.
“It's Sunday.”
So, two days then. He tries not to think too hard about it.
“Can you get up? Let's get you cleaned up, sleeping beauty.” Keigo gets to his feet and extends his hands, opening and closing them playfully. He looks happy, like he wouldn't ever want to be anywhere else.
How odd.
“I need to pee,” he answers eloquently while getting up. Keigo holds him by the forearms and helps him to the bathroom. Tomura hears some clunks on the way, so he assumes that Touya is probably cooking around the kitchen. Or maybe his ears are just popping.
Keigo sits Tomura down on the toilet and prepares a comb and a toothbrush while he pees, and then reminds him to clean himself up and sit on the lid when he forgets to.
“Open up.” he says, ready to brush Tomura's mouth for him, like that's normal. Like that’s love.
Maybe it is.
“I can do it.” he says instead, because he is not a child, despite everything. He pauses, and then gets the comb, offering it to Keigo. He will not deny that love though, even as an adult.
“Of course, baby. Let me detangle you,” Keigo catches the comb and passes him the toothbrush at the same time, with that constant softness around his eyes. Tomura can't help but stare, and see.
He cannot look away.
Going through the usual motions of brushing, Tomura looks up and observes the man above him, mighty like a god. Pretty like an angel.
Keigo starts combing his locks and looks back at him. “What?” he asks, clinking a laugh along the way.
“Lowe you,” Tomura answers around froth and spittle, uncaring for tonal niceties.
The man chuckles and kisses his forehead, closing his eyes, “Love you too, baby.” Tomura doubts his seriousness for a second when he pulls too hard on a tangle and makes him spit the toothpaste out. He doesn't even apologize!
But he believes him all the way. How could he not?
Keigo finishes up his hair and goes to prepare Tomura a bath while he cleans his mouth, and despite his efforts, he looks in the mirror.
It's an instant regret.
His eyebags are awfully prominent and his dermatosis has gotten worse. Chapped lips, dead eyes. Hair shiny with grease after the combing.
So, so awful.
“What a beautiful specimen I'm looking at!” Keigo chirps, hugging him from behind. He's down to his boxers and is struggling to hook his chin over Tomura's neck. “C’mon Tomu, let's get cleaned up. Touya is waiting for us.”
Tomura undresses quickly, weirdly shy of being naked right now. They've been dating for three years, Keigo is more than used to seeing him naked for multiple reasons.
He gets it when he lays down on Keigo's chest underwater. His boyfriend's top surgery scars always go unnoticed by him and Touya, as it's just part of him and his body. Today though, it feels like a reminder of his own body.
It's complicated, actually. Only recently Tomura has had the state of mind to care about trivial things like gender and sexuality, as he was too entangled in his lifelong trauma before. His therapist says that this is a good thing, that his life is starting to feel safe enough for self-reflection.
Tomura stares at his chest, half underwater, while Keigo wets his hair and shoulders. He doesn't feel bothered by them, or his lower parts.
He feels like he should.
Gender is a complicated thing. His name is Shigaraki Tomura and he goes by he/him pronouns. He feels like a man, mostly. But he doesn't mind his body.
He doesn't hate it, nor does he love it. Maybe he should because of the depression or the dysphoria, but it's just him. Tomura doesn't feel like changing it.
Maybe he should want to chop his tits off, get himself a dick. Maybe he should start T, maybe he should act manly and maybe he should cut his hair-
Keigo stops shampooing Tomura’s hair to put his hand away from his neck. “It's okay,” he says. I'm here , Tomura hears.
His boyfriend starts massaging his neck and shoulders, relaxing him. The residual shampoo stings his scratches a bit, but Tomura would be lying if he said he dislikes it. It grounds him further onto his own body.
Tomura knows he needs to say something, but he does not want to talk about his (lack of) dysphoria right now, so he goes for an explanation instead.
“I had a typography class on Friday. I don't remember much of it, I think I was already kind of out of it. But the teacher requested a complex project. It's an elective class, the thing shouldn’t be that difficult. You know I already have two other projects to do and finals soon, so I guess I got overwhelmed. I went to lie down for a nap and… stayed. For two days”
Keigo hums and rinses his hair out, shampooing once more right after. “I understand that. I won't say that you didn't worry us, because then I'd be lying, but it's not unreasonable. We're here for you, baby.”
“I'm sorry,” he mutters.
Keigo kisses his nape and starts conditioning.
They help each other out with dressing when they get out and Keigo lathers his face and neck in moisturizer for him, smearing it on his nose and laughing beautifully when Tomura playfully tries to bite his finger.
Keigo hugs him from behind and walks around him with his legs open the whole way to the kitchen, making it comically slow and stupid. Tomura can't help but giggle.
“Look who's out of the cave!” Keigo shouts from behind, his birdlike eyes the only thing visible behind his shoulders.
Touya turns from the counter with a whole dinner set out and grins down at them, “Well hello, Duster. You good?”
Tomura smiles and caresses Keigo's arm around his waist while walking to the table. “I'm alright now, thank you.”
They all sit down to eat and Tomura re-explains what happened to Touya while gobbling up a plate of rice and eggs with steamed vegetables. Touya tsks and, in typical fashion, gives him simple solutions and pieces of advice to his problems while massaging his thigh.
He feels awfully grateful for them. It hurts his heart a little.
Tomura’s not one for talk, but he makes a double effort to ask questions about their weekend while he was out of it. They tell him that it was busy, that they had a bunch of things to do. Keigo officially started modeling for a new agency after getting rid of the HPSC for good and Touya spent a whole day with Fuyumi after, well, forever, but they were weirded out by the lack of Tomura's presence on their group chat. After two days of giving him space, the both of them decided to come and check out on him.
Tomura feels bad for losing these happy moments in their lives, but deep down he knows that he wouldn't be able to feel properly happy for them under all the stress of his studies.
Touya gets up to put their dishes in the sink after they finish eating, and looks back at them. While Tomura's taller than Keigo, Touya still manages to tower over both of them, so he has to look down on them when he comes back to the table.
There's a subtle telling of love around his cold blue eyes that the kitchen lights enhance when he looks at Tomura. He knows that he’s looking back like the most kicked puppy to ever exist but he can’t help it. It’s inevitable to feel captured by Touya’s love and care, rare as it is. It’s like finding a wild tiger and managing to conquer its devotion after a while. It’s precious.
Touya opens his mouth to say something but shuts it again when Tomura reaches for his face. Getting down to eye level, Touya’s cheeks get surprisingly flushed when Tomura utters “Love you.” at him.
“Stop with the sappy shit. You two go choose a movie while I make popcorn and change your bed sheets. We’re sleeping here today, I don't care what your RA says.”
Keigo makes an unilateral race to the couch because Tomura is too lazy to try to run, but still lets him choose the worst and goriest horror movie possible, and that's how he knows they love him. That's how he knows he’s real.