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My head felt fuzzy as a bright light blinded my view. My lungs filled with the cool, salty air as the breeze tickled my skin and ran through my hair. I tried to collect my thoughts as my eyes slowly creaked open; an azure horizon stood right before me. Hypnotized by the beauty, I couldn’t help but have a familiar, yet unknown feeling dent through my chest. Am I forgetting something?
I continue to daze upon the vast, blue horizon as I hear a faint voice beside me, getting everso louder by the second. “..Barney…” it distantly said. “Barney.” The voice seemed to be getting even louder, but my gaze was glued to the horizon, unmoving. “Barney!”
The voice finally struck me out of my trance. I swiftly swerved my head towards my left side, finding a tall figure standing before me. “I- Yeah, wha-? Sorry,” I apologized, still somewhat disoriented by the growing, hollow feeling inside my gut. “What is it?”
The tall, scrawny figure fixed his glasses and smiled at me; his short, brown hair swayed like blades of grass in the wind, and his pale, hazel eyes met with mine. “What’s wrong, haha?” the man laughed, playfully patting my shoulder. “Thinking about that beer you still owe me?”
I stared deep into his eyes, before realizing who it was. “Ah.. Really, Doc?” I shook my head and chuckled to myself, once again finding myself gazing upon the large, azure horizon in front of me. “Sure, sure it is.”
There was a silence between us. I didn’t know what to say, but I just felt joy and… pain. I felt a mixture of emotions towards that man… the ‘Gordon Freeman,’ my best friend. I don’t know why I felt this way, and the feeling was slowly but surely eating me away. It felt like I haven’t seen the man in ages, yet I literally just saw him at yesterday’s shift in Black Mesa. Am I forgetting something? What happened on yesterday’s shift again?
Gordon would slowly turn his head towards the horizon in front of us and let out a sigh. “It’s nice to take a day to rest after yesterday.” He would once again fix his gaze towards me, this time, his expression seemed rather annoyed-mischievous. “You wouldn’t believe what I had to do down in the chambers!”
I turned to face the man again, tilting my head with a confused smile. “Yeah? What was it?” I chuckled as I set my elbow on the railing, my head resting on my hand, gazing into his eyes. “What’d they make ya do in the test chambers, Gord’n?”
Gordon shook his head and slightly leaned towards me. “They had me push a..” He paused, laughing to himself at what he was about to say next. “A LAWNMOWER into the goddamn Anti-Mass-Spectrometer! ” Gordon then leaned back once again, laughing hysterically at his story and its absurdity. “And I’m only surprised it didn’t start a whole-ass Res. Cascade!”
Ah. That’s it. It all clicked when I heard those words. The Resonance Cascade. My smile wavered into a bitter one as my gaze moved to the clear horizon once again. That wasn’t yesterday. That was 20 years ago. My face flushed slightly as my eyes started to blur the glaring, glistening water into blocks of blue. This isn’t real. He’s gone.
Another moment of silence swept around us, with only the subtle clashes of waves and birds distantly echoing. Gordon looked at me, his expression slowly changed as he noticed that something might’ve been bothering me. “Hey, seriously.” Gordon would then place both of his hands on the railing. “Is everything alright?”
The bitter smile was still glued onto my face as I shook my head. “I just..” I paused, looking below me, watching the waves clash against the building. “I just had an awful dream last night, okay?”
I could feel Gordon warmly smile at me, as his silhouette inches slightly closer to me. “Would you like to talk about it?” His gaze locked onto me, and in the corner of my eye, I could see his glasses reflect the cerulean hues of the sea and the sky. Our eyes would meet momentarily, causing me to get a little nervous.
I let out a sigh and continued to look down at the sea. “I…” I hesitated. “I had a really weird ‘n long dream, where… an alien invasion happened, ‘n reigned over our planet.” I then turned to face him, wincing as I said the painful words. “I had a dream where yer gone.”
To my surprise, Gordon snickered. “Oh, really?” he replied, smirking as he leaned towards me. “You just love me that much, huh?”
I blushed as I was caught by surprise, letting out another sigh, chuckling as I shook my head. “Yeah, yeah sure.” I once again gazed into the waves, crashing every few seconds. “Whatever makes ya sleep at night, I guess.”
Another moment of awkward silence would pass by as we were still caught up in the salty, seaside breeze. I inhaled the cold gusts and continued to stare into the blue waters below. “But, y’know?” I started, feeling too embarrassed to look at the man in the eyes. “That.. that dream. It really made me realize how much you meant to me.”
The silence came around again, the wind deafening my ears as I continued to watch the waves inhale and exhale. “You..” I started again, now choking on the pain that was growing in my chest. “You were gone. And- And as I watched you get dragged to who-knows-where , all I could do was think.” The sensation made my throat itch as I tried to get the words out. It clogged my throat and held me in a chokehold, never letting me go. “‘ Did I do my best?’ ”
I sat quietly, listening to the pulsing waves as the silence got louder. My cheeks started to become wet, as tears started to stream out of my eyes. “I couldn’t protect ya,” I said softly, my voice starting to break. “But was there anything else I could do? Could I do better?”
There was once again another silence, and it kept growing louder and louder. The silence was so loud, it overpowered the clashes of ocean waves and became unbearable. “I-“
I cut myself off as I looked at Gordon, his expression quite somber. He looked lost inside of his own world. Perhaps.. he’s thinking about the dream? I let out a sigh and turned back to look at the horizon. “I’m sorry.”
“Don’t be,” responded Gordon, his voice stern, yet soft and comforting. “It sounded like that dream felt real to you; like something you actually experienced.”
I could feel his gaze shift towards me, causing my body to tense up. The silence had gotten so loud, it was as if the world’s ambience was set to mute. I wiped my tears as I silently waited to hear what else Gordon had to say.
“If I were in your shoes,” Gordon continued. “I would be just as upset as you are right now.” I couldn’t see his face, but I’m sure he’s smiling at me. “I can’t imagine what life would be like if you and Black Mesa were gone.” He then chuckled softly, followed by a sigh. “I’d miss you too.”
It was as if the world went unmute suddenly; the clashes of waves resumed and the distant calls of birds echoed in the horizon once again. The breeze ghastly whispered into my ears, as my tears dripped onto my hand. My head once again swerved towards Gordon, gazing into his hazel eyes.
A few seconds passed by, and I turned away, chuckling in embarrassment. “Ah, gee Doc!” My eyes once again met with the azure waves below me. “Ya sure know how t’ make me feel embarrassed, haha..” My left hand’s grip on the railing tightened as my right hand wiped the tears off my cheeks.
We fell silent once more, the horizon’s ambience continued to play on loop as we stood awkwardly on the balcony. I could still feel Gordon’s gaze fixed onto me as salty rivers flowed down my flushed cheeks. Some of the tears even started to drip onto my left hand.
“I..” Breaking the silence, my words choked in my throat as I hesitated to speak them. “I missed ya.” I turned to face Gordon, a painful expression formed on my face, as rivers continued to stream down my cheeks.
The waves continued to clash as my grip on the railing tightened. “I just wanted ya back. I really did.” With each clashing pulse of the waves, I choked on my words more and more. I turned my gaze back to the water below me, uttering one last sentence. “..But you won't come back.”
After a moment of silence, Gordon spoke sternly, yet warm. “I wouldn't say that.” He patted my shoulder, causing my attention to shift back to him. My eyes locked with his, and I stared deep into my reflection in his glasses. “Don't lose hope.”
I shook my head, still sobbing salty rivers. “How? How could I not?”
Gordon then smiled at me, catching me off guard. The waves would crash again as he inhaled some air, exhaled and rested his arm on my shoulder, gazing into the azure horizon. “Did anyone ever find my body?”
I silently looked away and my face turned red. I shook my head and chuckled. “I guess you got that Ph.D. degree from MIT for a reason.” My gaze shifted back to Gordon, and I smiled. “You're quite smart, didja know that?”
Gordon chuckled back at me, still gazing upon the horizon. “I guess so..” He then turned over to look at me once again, smiling warmly. “But if no one found my body, don't lose hope. I might’ve still been out there.”
I nodded my head, wiping the last few droplets of tears left on my cheeks. I let out a sigh, followed by a nervous chuckle as I turned over to look at Gordon. I sheepishly grinned at him and my hands departed from the railing as arms were now opening to my sides for a hug.
Before I could speak, Gordon shook his head and gave me a slanted grin. “No need to ask,” replied Gordon, his voice soft, yet stern. He then inched closer to me and wrapped his arms around me. “I’m sure you need one right now.”
I couldn't process what was happening, but the thought of finally being in Gordon’s warm embrace once again made me feel overjoyed. My eyes clouded in tears, and my arms slowly wrapped around his torso. One sentence played on repeat; like a broken record playing the same chord over and over again. I miss you.
Within the distant echoes of birds and the pulsing waves in the horizon, a faint, steady beeping could be heard. The beeping only got louder and louder, soon overpowering the nostalgic ambience. I don't want to wake up from this dream. I don't want to lose him again. But it was about time I had woken up. The beeping signaled the start to my morning routine; a routine before the hell I had to face.
After the abrupt ending to the dream, I felt somewhat disoriented again as my neck was drenched in sweat, and my eyes felt heavy. Despite that, I was ready to move forward. I'm sure that.. Gordon is still somewhere out there. He didn't die. I thought to myself. He's still alive.
I gently placed my hands on my lap as I sat up in bed. My eyes scanned around the room, watching the light scatter into the darkest corners of my room. Suddenly, I felt a few droplets fall onto my hands; cold and wet, falling from what seemed like nowhere. I touched my face, and felt a river streaming drown my cheek.
If I had moved on…
Why am I still crying?