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“Perfection” was a word that Ren Amamiya grew to hate with all his being. A perfect world with perfect friends and perfect strangers and a perfect life. That was the world’s new default state of being: utter and unending perfection . For a time, he thought this might have been the right thing. That perhaps, after all, Maruki was right. This new world free of suffering would be best for everybody.
All of his friends that suffered so much wouldn’t have to try to endure it any longer, and any past pains would be erased. They would have their families back, their lives back and even more in all the ways they had imagined and prayed for. Everybody seemed so happy, and yet, this was not what they wanted.
He got to bring them all back to their senses and show them this was not how reality was meant to be. They wanted to set things right. They wanted to return to their true reality, even if it meant their death. Ren refused them. What gave him and Maruki the right to play God? To change the fates of everybody in such a drastic manner?
Even worse that they had just before defeated a being who wished to control the masses, even if it wasn’t in a similar manner, and the intent was far different. He went against what the Phantom Thieves stood for; betrayed his friends in the worst way possible and they don’t even know it.
Sometimes when he spends time with Akechi, the detective will occasionally freeze and just stare at him with a dead look in his eyes, almost as if something inside of him is screaming to tell Ren that he knows everything, remembers everything.
Each time, it is laughed off and Ren is left debating whether to press him about it or not. Even as years go by, he chooses to leave it alone. He can’t stop seeing Sumire as – well, that’s it. Sumire . She isn’t Kasumi. She isn’t her own dead big sister she now believes herself to be to be absolved of the guilt and sadness she felt. Much like any other, she may just grow to loathe him for the choices he made if she came to her senses. Ren doubts that he’d be able to blame her for that.
It’s a fact that is often replayed in his mind on the nights spent kicking himself over everything. Sumire believes herself to be her dead big sister. She believes herself to be her dead big sister. It is so profoundly morbid, Ren sometimes can’t help but laugh over it.
There are no flaws, no misfortunes in Maruki’s reality. If suffering is the very thing that makes joy what it is, then what do you get when you erase the concept of suffering from the world completely? Everyone else is fine, or at least they seem so, while Ren is always painfully hollow. To be screaming on the inside constantly would be a better fate, for at least he would feel something. Apathy swallowed Ren whole, sapping away at each and every emotion until not a single speck was left.
These people he knew began to make him feel nothing. His friend group was always together with him, always so happy. Everything was handed to him on a silver platter, pretty much. Even if he painstakingly tried to make it the case, everything always went swimmingly well for him.
Heaven was not a very apt word to describe this new reality. Purgatory would be much more fitting. In fact, what was it he called it before? Perfection? No, stagnation was more like it. The world and everybody he knew was almost in a permanent stasis. Nobody he knew had to struggle or fight for anything, they needn’t go through any sort of hardship and come out of it with new ideals or revelations that push them down a different path.
There was no need for any of that in this new reality where everybody’s dreams came true in the blink of an eye. They didn’t change. They didn’t improve, they didn’t get worse, they didn’t change in even the most subtle ways you can easily miss but take notice of if you try to examine close enough. They just… they just were. And that was frightening.
They were all still living, breathing and thinking people all around him, and there were no arguments that could be made that they weren’t. Because of all these reasons though, it sometimes almost felt like he was the only one real left.
Many times, Ren thought of doing… something about all of this. Anything. Access back into Mementos was never granted. Trying to convince a friend would end up with them thinking he was playing a pretty convoluted prank at best and growing concerned he’s losing his mind at worst. At times he’d even considered putting a more permanent end to his emptiness, but there were no strong feelings to guide him towards finishing the job.
When he reached a certain point, he just held onto hope it would change eventually. His hope finally died around the time he and his friends began starting families. His own didn’t actively bring him any joy. Nor did his friends’. Seeing all of their children frolicking together is the kind of sight one should wish to cherish for the rest of their life. How many things are more beautiful in this world than a bond so strong it is passed down to your young to further it even more?
It wasn’t even as if it was just that. He accomplished just about everything a person could ever dream of in their lifetime, even with many years left to spare. If not even a single shred of happiness is blessed upon him at that point, it’s solidified it really never will come.
On another day that was much too like the rest, Ren sat down in the backseat of a taxi and glanced towards the window. A familiar pair of eyes stared back at him through it, it was him. Aged a visibly fair amount, but he could easily tell. He was a man that was not easily forgotten, especially after everything that happened.
The driver greeted him, inquiring what the destination is and stating that he hopes Ren has a wonderful morning.
“Are you really sure that we did the right thing?” Ren asks, immeasurable amounts of weariness seeping from his voice. His tired orbs glanced into the driver’s own, staring back blankly for what felt like millennia. It must have left as soon as it came, but Ren swore he could detect something that seemed like regret in those orbs.
“Sir, I… can’t really say I know what you’re talking about. But whatever it is that happened, maybe it’s for the best after all? It could be that you just need to put in some extra work to see the shining new opportunities before you to grab hold of your dreams. Now, your destination please?” He flashed Ren a smile after giving what was practically empty advice at this point. Ren had realized every single dream he possibly could have. By now, the only thing he dreamed of was somehow making his way back to that night in Leblanc. Sat across from Maruki again, and able to stop himself from making the decision that would be what ruined his entire life.
Ren’s sad glower worsened, and the driver’s sympathy shone through. No more words were offered. Both men knew that there was nothing that could be said or done to ease Ren’s guilty conscience. Ren gave the address after a few seconds, slumping back into the seat as the drive began.
The silence was deafeningly loud. As Ren glanced out the window, he played images of the past in his head. Every single struggle and painful memory he went through with his friends, and all they experienced he was told of. All of it erased, like it never happened. It really didn't ever happen, now. What was that if not erasing most of their identities? Could one liken it to being another form or murder, from a certain point of view?
Worst is, he couldn’t bring himself to be angry at Maruki now. This was all on Ren, for he had the power to try and put a stop to it. And he didn’t.
Ren paid the fare, stepped out of the car and gave one final look to Maruki. Maruki gave him a smile and a nod, a gesture Ren eventually reciprocated even if forcing himself to. Maruki could tell it was a sad smile, and he could only hope that Ren may eventually find peace with himself.
This was what was right for the world, after all. Right?
Ren’s lips slowly contorted back downwards as he watched the vehicle speed away, the regret that bubbled up fizzing away and drowning him in indifference yet again. Ren’s heels turned, carrying himself away in the opposite direction, hands stuffed into his pockets.
What Maruki hoped for, he did, too. There could be a day when Ren finally realizes he did do what was just. Maybe some reflection would be what he needs. Except that Ren tried getting himself to believe this several times already, and did his best to wait for ultimately nothing in the end.
He’ll never be able to live with what he’s done, and even if he’s always surrounded by others, he’s never felt so alone before.
If only he managed to forget, too.