Work Text:
Cartman: Heidis boring
Upon seeing the message, Kyle feels a jolt of superiority. The part of him that is a feminist immediately scolds. Just because Heidi's pretty and popular doesn't make her automatically boring. Everyone has a different concept of “interesting”.
Kyle: Then why did you date her?
Cartman takes a while to reply, deleting and retyping his text.
Cartman: She's hot. Who doesn't want to date hot girls
Kyle disagrees. Hotness is a factor, sure, but he will have to see if she shares his humor, his belief and how nice she is before he is comfortable dating her. But if Kyle tries his best to fit his abnormally large feet into others' shoes, he can imagine that some people can settle FOR hotness without overthinking.
Kyle: Fair enough. What are you gonna do about it?
Cartman: Lets meet at Casa tmr at 7
Cartman's reply seems irrelevant to what they're talking about, but Kyle knows in his heart what it means. You are more interesting than her. I want to spend time with you instead.
Kyle stops himself before he can finish typing "Okay". He shouldn’t give in to Cartman’s demands all the time. The definition of a codependent relationship hovers over him, serving as a reminder of what he should do in order to become a normal, non-toxic person.
Kyle: What about your gf?
Cartman's reply is alarmingly fast.
Cartman: Do you like her???
Kyle: No
Cartman: Then you don't need to care what she thinks. Just because were a couple doesn't mean we have to be together all the time
Kyle is not so sure about that. The couples on the teen shows on Netflix are joined at the hip. He is aware Euphoria and Elite is not exactly the most accurate portrayal of real life, but he struggles to even think of a couple at school, let alone one that breaks the trend.
Oh well. Cartman's the one with a girlfriend here. If he's confident Heidi won't mind, Kyle will take him at his word.
Kyle: Ok
Cartman: Did you try to write okay with your nose or something?
Cartman must have come to that conclusion after Kyle took too long to write two letters. Still, Kyle can't help but try to write "no" with his nose. It comes out as "Ni" instead. Cartman reacts with a crying laughing emoji.
Kyle cackles, until he realizes he's cackling to himself in his room like a loser and shuts up.
***
Cartman shoots him many knowing looks throughout the day. Kyle reacts every single time, either with an eyeroll or a snort of laughter.
Eventually, Cartman points at his girlfriend and makes an exaggerated bored expression. The feeling of superiority is back, sweet like honey for a second before disgust washes over Kyle. He mimes an angry "You shouldn't do that" look back at Cartman. Cartman is taken aback, but Heidi pokes him before he can reply. Their verbal communication stops then.
Since Kyle is preoccupied with thinking about why Cartman is bored with his girlfriend, he doesn't notice Tolkien' group leaving him out of their conversation completely like usual.
During Advanced Maths, Kyle asks Tolkien how long he has stayed with Nicole. He replies seven years, but also adds that it is not the norm. Clyde chimes in, saying that the longest he has been in a relationship is three months. Kyle nods, eventually deciding that the average length of a high school relationship is between two to three months.
Coincidentally, Cartman has been dating Heidi for 2 months. Upon realizing that their relationship is at its end stage, Kyle is giddy with joy. For the rest of the school day, he walks with a bounce in his steps. He doesn’t even wait for Tolkien’s group to ask him to hang out and walks straight through the door.
He can’t reign in his excitement until he gets on the bus, when he remembers wishing for that makes him a bad person.
***
By the time Kyle gets home, he is drenched in self-inflicted guilt. Even then, it is not enough to snuff out the spark completely.
'Are you okay, Kyle?' Ike asks upon passing him on the stairs.
Kyle doesn’t have a straight answer to that. The growing ball of guilt in his stomach makes him nauseous, but dopamine still pumps through his vein.
'I'm good,' he replies after too long.
Ike already looks suspicious by then, so Kyle distracts him by ruffling his hair before making his escape.
A few hours later, Dad knocks on his door.
'It's time for dinner, Kyle,' he drawls impatiently.
Kyle flinches. He has gone straight to his room to do homework and has forgotten to tell his parents his plan tonight.
'I'm not eating dinner because I'm going out tonight. Sorry I forgot to tell you guys!' he says apologetically.
His dad muses over that for a second. Mom must have made some really good food then.
'That's a pity. Where are you going?'
'I'm going to the Casa with Cartman.'
'Right! It's been a long time since you've hung out with that boy, isn't it?'
The innocent question stops Kyle in his tracks. It's not like he isn't aware there has been a widening distance between Cartman and him for the last few months, but Dad saying it out loud plants doubt in him about keeping their old dynamic intact. Like duckweed, the doubts grow so fast Kyle starts wondering if he should go.
'I guess,' he croaks out too late. There's no reply, Dad must have returned downstairs.
Kyle turns back to his homework. He has exactly 45 minutes left until 8, not counting the time to run to Cartman's place. Yet he can't focus, his mind completely blanking out when he reads anything. Frustrated, he closes his books and throws himself on the bed with a muted thud. He finds himself typing “Why am I reading my friend’s words as something else” into Google.
Google says it’s because he doesn’t trust Cartman.
Doesn’t trust him to what? Kyle wonders.
Ditch me for his girlfriend?
Tonight’s plan disproves that. The few weeks after he started dating Heidi, Cartman was busy, but after that he asked Kyle to hang out like usual. Kyle was just not comfortable being a third wheel with Heidi being there, so he always declined.
Kyle knows there isn’t complete trust between them, can never be. Just because he has successfully stayed friends with the other boy for two years without reverting to their old toxic dynamic doesn’t mean he has forgotten Cartman’s cruel pranks from childhood.
Still, mistrust doesn’t explain the whole picture. Kyle is supposed to be happy for Cartman - that’s what a good friend does. Yet, he ends up spending most of his time being elated when Cartman badmouthed his own girlfriend.
Kyle doesn’t want to be the type of man who gets off on degrading women though. He wishes he can turn off the voice in his head that tells him over and over that he obviously makes better company.
Kyle rolls onto his side and tries to curl onto himself. He types “Why am I happy when women are degraded” into the search bar and winces when articles upon articles call him a misogynist and a sexist. One Quora poster who shares the same concern even has the audacity to call himself a good guy when wondering why he hates women. Kyle is better than that at least, right?
The little clock at the top left of his phone reads 7:50. Shit. He has been too distracted to check the time.
Hurriedly, Kyle changes into jeans and a thick hoodie, then grabs his phone and wallet before running downstairs.
'Bye mom, bye dad, bye Ike,' he shouts as he struggles to shove socked feet into trainers while unlocking the door at the same time
His family says something back, but he doesn't catch a word as he scrambles out of the door into the cold night air.
***
Cartman is leisurely leaning on his truck when Kyle arrives.
'Just a few more yards, Broflovski!' Cartman cheers like Kyle is running for the Olympics, complete with unnecessaries claps . When Kyle reaches him, he whistles loudly before his mouth splits into a familiar smug smile. 'Wow, the Jew has made it to first place, the first one of his race to do so.'
'Shut up.' Kyle pants. 'Do you want the neighbors to report you for antisemitism tomorrow?'
'But I was an antisemite, Kahl. I didn't cosplay as Hitler in 4th grade just to be born loving Jews,' Cartman pouts as he opens the door.
Kyle cackles, before realizing he's falling back to the old, codependent dynamic too fast. It’s not okay to joke about antisemitism, even if Cartman is not saying anything truly offensive yet. 'Is Heidi okay with you joking like this?'
Cartman's face, which has been previously brimming with mirth, falls for a second before he tries to cover it up with an eye roll. 'I don't say this around Heidi obviously. To her I'm a devout Christian who is also a sensitive SJW or something.'
Kyle’s eyes widen. That is … everything Cartman isn't.
Just before closing the door, he adds. 'Although her friends are so fucking racist and homophobic they put my 4th grade Hitler to shame.'
The part inside Kyle that has been thinking of Heidi and her circle as stupid and boring hoots at that. Kyle quickly tries to smother it. Stereotyping is not a good look.
He goes to the other side, opens the door and hop onto his permanent shotgun position. Suddenly, he remembers seeing Heidi sitting in the same place when he got off the bus at the right time and caught Cartman driving in.
'I thought you find homophobes and racists funny?' He asks when the silence in the truck starts stretching. For some reason, Cartman didn’t play the radio immediately when he got in. He is messing around with it instead.
'Only if they're overtly so. These dumb jocks kept making bigoted remarks then pretended they were making accidental dark jokes. It’s not the same impact as the greentext from 4chan basement dwellers who are too poor to become school shooters.' He explains with an even voice.
Kyle tries to prevent the burst of laughter from leaving his throat, he’s not supposed to laugh at this stuff as instinctively as he does, but he fails spectacularly and ends up coughing and cackling at the same time instead.
'Are you okay, Jew? You sound like you're dying,' Cartman turns to him, his voice amused.
Kyle probably is. A billion thoughts weigh on his shoulders, only temporarily shaken up by how hard he is wheezing.
There’s a clicking sound, signaling that the radio has started playing. Kyle barely recovers with tears in his eyes. It’s been a while since he has been in Cartman’s truck. The familiar sound of gravel crunching under wheels as Cartman pulls out of his driveway and the faint smell of stale fast food feels a little too much like home. He tries not to let comfort seep under his skin.
The trip to Casa is filled with a mix of offensive music and the occasional Kpop. Kyle can't help but laugh when high pitched female voices fade into serious male swearings.
‘What the fuck is this playlist, Cartman,’ he asks, his words chopped up by uncontrollable cackling.
‘It’s my “Driving Ambience playlist” playlist,’ Cartman shrugs with indifference.
On the radio, Shut The Fuck Up by Filthy Frank changes to What Is Love by a group called TWICE. ‘Oh, this is my favorite song.’ Cartman pipes up. The smirk is visible even on his side profile.
Kyle is still giggling when the cheery intro begins. He has never heard this song before, but he isn’t surprised when Cartman says “What is love?” in a high pitched voice. What he doesn’t expect is Cartman singing along in the same high pitched voice, in what he thinks is perfect Korean.
‘-I wanna know satangcheoreom dalkomhadaneunde-’ Cartman sings flawlessly, his eyes not leaving the road.
Next to him, Kyle dissolves into guffaws, his fists banging the dashboard as he struggles to say anything or even breath.
By the time Cartman starts rapping in Korean, Kyle’s face is red and he thinks he will die from laughing too much. Cartman’s indifferent facade is starting to crack, his side shaking with barely contained laughter. Is this appropriating Korean culture? The random question pops up at the back of his mind. Kyle usually likes to indulge his critical thinking, but now he can’t even think. It’s incredibly hard to stay politically correct when one is laughing so much.
When the music once again transitions into something offensive, both boys sing along in tandem for a few verses before both of them start howling. At one point, Kyle wonders if they will die from laughing or crashing the truck first. And yet, at that moment, he can’t find it himself to care. He feels so alive right now he wouldn't trade it for anything.
Two songs later, the laughter finally dies down, although snickers can be heard when the songs aren’t drowning them out.
While Cartman is going 90 on an 80 highway, Kyle looks at the field outside. It is dark so he can’t see much anyway, but he can’t bring himself to look straight ahead. Doing so feels like bringing the journey to its end faster.
He wants to savor this - the familiar feeling of sitting shotgun with leftover laughter like cocaine in his veins, listening to a playlist full of songs they wouldn’t tell other people. This isn’t the last time he and Cartman are going to hang out, but for some reason it feels like it is.
***
Cartman parks in a spot just by the entrance of the Casa.
To save time, Kyle gets out first to order and find them a good booth.
'One beef burrito and a Coke, right?' Kyle says with a little uncertainty in his voice. There's a chance being with Heidi has changed Cartman's preference. Kyle wonders if Cartman brings her here often after their first date.
'Yup. And a side of cheesy fries,' Cartman nods before driving away. Before Kyle gets to the door, he hears a shout of "Don't forget ketchup!"
The Casa looks the same as the last time he has been here. Kyle winces at his own nostalgia. He hasn't been here in 2 months, not 20 years.
The server waves at him.
'One beef burrito, one large nacho, cheesy fries and 2 cokes right?' They ask, the upper half of their body jutting off the counter. Kyle nods, feeling a bit unnerved. He and Cartman used to come to the Casa every week, so they could be considered regulars, but surely that wasn’t enough to make this server remember the exact details of their orders?
The server doesn’t notice his discomfort and punches in the order at the speed of light. As Kyle waits for his card to go through, he scouts for a free booth.
His and Cartman's usual booth is the only free one among the packed restaurant. Another coincidence today.
Kyle wonders if some higher being wants him and Cartman to get back together, then quickly tries to dismiss the thought. They are still together, as friends of course. No need for him to see every little thing as a sign that Cartman fucking belongs to him or something.
Cartman slides into the booth a little later, just in time for the server to bring their food.
'Ohh, I've missed this.' He rubs his hand together before reaching for fork and knife.
Kyle can't help but hear "I haven't brought Heidi here since our first date." He tries and fails to stifle the pride blooming in his chest. This is still their spot after all.
Codependency is a circular relationship in which one person needs the other person, who in turn, needs to be needed. The codependent person, known as 'the giver,' feels worthless unless they are needed by-
‘What are you staring at?’ Cartman asks him with a mouthful of burrito filling. When Kyle doesn’t answer immediately, he turns his neck to look, only to see nothing out of the ordinary.
‘Kahl, do you have schizophrenia?’
‘Nope. I was just zoned out. Anyway, how is it going with Heidi?’
Cartman’s expression immediately sours. He finishes chewing and swallowing the food in his mouth first before speaking, but his eyes never leave Kyle. His eyebrows are knitted, as if he’s trying to figure out how much sand is currently in Kyle’s vagina.
‘She’s boring me. Do you want to hear the details because you are plotting to steal my girlfriend?’ Cartman answers slowly.
Kyle immediately backs up. ‘Nope, I would never do that. Honestly.’
Cartman looks at him in disbelief. ‘Are you sure? She’ll probably agree to a threesome.’
Hearing that, Kyle unbiddenly imagines the image. He is disgusted and shakes his head vigorously. ‘No. Nope. Please fucking don’t.’
Cartman smiles widely. ‘Don’t be a prude, Kyle. Just because I’m out of your league doesn’t mean my girlfriend won’t share.’ He adds a sauce-smudged wink at the end.
Kyle immediately thinks of the only time he accidentally saw his grandpa naked just so his brain doesn’t cook up an image of that.
‘Oh my god. What the fuck does that even mean?’
Cartman opens his mouth to explain. Kyle shakes his head. ‘Don’t say anything. Stop speaking. Every word out of your mouth is a curse I didn’t know I had to bear.’
‘Poetic, Kahl. Did you learn that from the feminism forum?’ Cartman grins teasingly.
‘I made that up myself,’ Kyle says proudly before remembering that they are wildly off-topic.
‘There are ways that can help with boredom in relationship, Cartman.’
Cartman rolls his eyes. ‘Why the fuck do you keep talking about my relationship if you don’t want to steal my girlfriend? You don’t have to beat around the bush, Kyle.’
‘I just said I don’t want to steal your girlfriend. But have you talked to Heidi about-’
Cartman glares at him so fiercely Kyle stops talking. ‘I said I’m bored of her. I talked to her a million times and I hated them, okay?’
‘Do you still want to be with her?’
Cartman looks like he still wants to go more into the Kyle-stealing-her angle, but he drops it when he sees the hope in Kyle’s expression. He looks out of the window and scratches his neck.
‘I don’t know.’
Before Kyle can say anything, Cartman pushes his plate of cheesy fries towards Kyle.
‘Kahl, try some of these. The Casa must have improved the fries when we were not here.’
Most of them have been devoured, but the few left are covered in a sizable layer of cheese that Cartman must have saved for him.
Kyle stares at the plate.
Cartman has shared his food with him before, but that was because it was an exercise in sharing mandated by his therapist. Now that he no longer has a problem, Kyle doesn’t see the point in taking his food. Also, isn’t eating each other’s food reserved for couples only? Kyle doesn’t want to encroach on a space reserved for Heidi, even if Cartman is bored of her.
He pushes the plate back to Cartman. ‘It’s too cheesy. You can have the rest of it.’
Annoyance flashes in Cartman’s eyes. ‘Whatever. Your loss.’
He shoves the rest of the fries in his mouth, cheese included. Kyle winces. Does he eat like this in front of his girlfriend too? Maybe Heidi is an especially accepting girl.
‘So Kyle, has anything fun been happening with you lately?’ Cartman asks while trying to suck his coke dry in the shortest amount of time.
Kyle clenches and unclenches the hem of his hoodie under the table. This is the question he has been dreading the whole time they are hanging out.
He honestly wouldn’t use “fun” to describe any experience he has been having lately.
Being a fifth-wheel to Tolkien’s group. Feeling completely isolated in and in between classes. Spending his evenings binging unrealistic teen shows that he couldn’t help but be jealous of.
Still, Cartman is waiting. His full glass of coke is already reduced to brown ices.
Kyle starts hesitantly. ‘So, there’s this show I’ve been watching. It’s called Euphoria.’
Cartman props his chin on a hand as he leans closer. ‘That’s such a faggy name for a show.’
Kyle shoots him an annoyed look. ‘It’s just a word, Cartman.’
Cartman doesn’t look convinced. He sucks on the ice noisily, while his eyebrow arches at Kyle, as if to say ‘They could have chosen a better word, like Exploded or Orgasm, Kahl’.
Eventually, Kyle can’t stand his smugness anymore. ‘Not every show needs to be called “How I Met My Rapist” or “The Big Jew Theory” or some other retarded shit.’ He rolls his eyes. Euphoria is a good show and the name is an excellent fit for it, for fuck’s sake.
Cartman bursts into laughter at that, while everyone within earshot stares at Kyle. The thought that someone from class could hear him immediately has Kyle flushing.
‘I wish there would be a show called “The Big Jew Theory”. It should have a full daywalker cast, kind of like Black Panther.’ Cartman says between laughter, his hand beating down on the table and drawing even more attention to them.
Meanwhile, the Casa shrinks around Kyle. Each pair of eyes feel sharp knives just milimeter away from his skin. His neck heats until he feels like he can combust right at the booth.
‘I think we should go.’ Kyle mumbles, his eyes glued on his trainers.
‘Only if you let me have your nacho,’ Cartman agrees easily
Kyle can’t nod any faster.
***
The cold air is a sharp contrast to the warmth inside the Casa. Kyle shoves his hands into his hoodie pocket. To his relief, the whispers of people stay behind the door and no one follows them to beat him up. Yet.
God, why did he say all that?
They go to Cartman’s car and lean against the back. Kyle looks at Cartman while Cartman devours the rest of Kyle’s nachos.
Fatass, Kyle finds himself thinking, before his internal social justice warrior scolds him for his fatphobia.
‘Cartman, do you like beef burritos or nachos more?’
Cartman thinks about this question for a second. At the same time, he licks his fingers clean. ‘Definitely beef burritos.’
‘But I like nachos when it’s from your plate.’ He adds.
Kyle’s heart skips a beat.
‘Fatass,’ Kyle mutters under his breath and looks away to hide the pink rapidly dusting his cheeks.
‘Dirty Ginger Jew,’ Cartman retorts back.
In his head, Kyle is pushing down what Cartman just said, only for it to blow back in his face. What did he mean by that? Actually, Kyle doesn’t want to answer that. He’s growing so hot under his hoodie he feels like stripping and running into the depth of the night.
‘The stars are kewl tonight,’ Cartman says out of the blue.
Kyle is whisked out of whatever spiraling in his head. He turns to look at the night sky.
The sky looks like a dark carpet that someone has flicked a paint brush dipped with white over and over. Some stars are so big and bright Kyle is tempted to connect them. He gets a trapezium with an extra leg, which is lame. But at least, he’s not thinking about Cartman preferring nacho when it’s on-
Without warning, Cartman drapes an arm around Kyle’s shoulders.
Kyle literally jumped away. ‘Fuck!’
Cartman stumbles a little backward, his hands raising in surrender. ‘Woah, what the fuck is wrong with you, dude!’
A beat of silence.
‘Your fingers still got cheese on them,’ Kyle deflects flimsily.
Cartman pauses, scrutinizes his clean fingers for a few seconds, then wipes all five on Kyle’s hoodie anyway. ‘Yeah sure.’
‘Gross!’ Kyle finds himself exclaiming although there is probably nothing on Cartman’s fingers.
***
The night ends soon after that. Things are just too weird between them to pretend they can hang out comfortably like before.
As soon as they are both in the car, Cartman takes a deep breath.
‘Do you have any problems you can’t tell me?’
His tone is too calm. The question sounds so un-Cartman-like Kyle wonders if he learns to ask it in therapy.
Kyle immediately shakes his head.
‘Are you absolutely sure? You’ve been weird all night.’
Kyle turns to him. Cartman does the same, his eyes squinting, trying to figure Kyle out.
Kyle would love to be honest to Cartman’s effort, but you can’t just say “I like it when you prefer me to your girlfriend.” straight to someone’s face. So they hold this staring contest for a while.
With only moonlight illuminating their faces, Kyle notices how big Cartman’s eyes are. Even under dim lighting, the complete heterochromia is striking. Objectively, Cartman’s entire face is kind of pleasing to look at. His skin is soft and clear, unlike Kyle’s which is shiny and dotted by the occasional pimples. The beautiful people on Netflix are getting to Kyle, and he can’t help but notice how straight and small Cartman’s nose is. He’s chubby, sure, but it gives him a harmless impression rather than an ugly one. For a moment, Kyle can put his foot in Heidi’s shoes and see why she chose him.
Kyle blinks. They are so close Kyle can see reflections of himself in Cartman’s eyes. Worse, when he looks down, he can see the shine of grease coating Cartman’s lips. His heart skips another confusing beat. Neither of them has noticed their mutual leaning towards each other.
‘As I said, there’s nothing!’
His outburst breaks them out of the trance they were in.
Cartman clicks his tongue, but hides his expression behind focusing on reversing the truck to get out of the parking lot.
As soon as the car is on the road, Cartman flicks on the radio. Cupid by a group called Fifty-fifty starts playing loudly. It’s cheery tune feels fake and annoying in the tension between them. Cartman doesn’t even bother singing along although he drives the speed limit this time.
Kyle, on the other hand, thinks the silence is good. Comfortable silence is a major sign of a healthy relationship. He completely ignores how uncomfortable he feels and attributes it to his mind overworking tonight instead.
***
Just like that, they arrive at the Broflovski’s front lawn.
As soon as Cartman turns off the music, the tension grows tenfold, filling the truck until Kyle has to hurriedly open the door.
'Bye,' Kyle says as he gets out.
Cartman’s hesitant “bye” is drowned in the loud slam of the door. Kyle doesn’t even look back at Cartman once as he walks to his house, although he is aware of Cartman’s eyes on him the whole time burying into his skin like needles.
If he can cut the string as soon as he leaves the truck, therefore not taking away the space belonging to Heidi, any discomfort feels like a step to growing into a normal, non-toxic person.
******
As soon as Kyle is hidden in his own house, Cartman feels anger boil in his gut. Fucking pussy, he thinks as hard as he can at the door.
He pulls out as recklessly as he can, not caring if there is any car behind him. The back of his truck is modified, whoever bumps into him will have a bigger problem than he does.
Before he is completely on the road though, his phone vibrates. Cartman stops the car although it is only two-thirds out of the driveway. He doesn’t know if he wants to kill anyone bumping into his car, whoever texted him or himself.
It’s Heidi.
‘Pls come over. I miss u <3’
Cartman is feeling like absolute shit. The choice is obvious.
He pulls out of Kyle’s driveway completely and hits the accelerator.
***
Cartman spends the drive to Heidi's place seething.
In the middle of it, Cupid Stan manifests out of thin air with a pop.
'There is definitely something wrong with Kyle,' Stan states the obvious as he hovers over the dashboard. Cartman rolls his eyes.
'Something wrong? He needs meds for the fucking schizophrenia.' Cartman snarls, his hands gripping the steering wheels so hard the knuckles turn bone white.
‘I don’t think Kyle has schizophrenia.’
‘Yeah? Were you fucking there? He keeps asking to fuck my girlfriend and shit, then denies it when I say yes. Also he fucking jumped when I touch him! Gave a shitty ass lie too, all to cover the fact that he has early onset schizophrenia.’
‘That’s not a sign of schizophrenia, Cartman. You have it, you should know.’
‘Hey, aren’t you a delusion I made up because I have a desire to become friends with Kyle? Stop focusing on the wrong thing and give me a solution.’
The fairy rubs his eyes in frustration, ‘As you said, I’m just your delusion. I can’t give you a solution to something you don’t even understand yourself.’
‘Understand? I’m a schizophrenia patient, I know-’
‘I know you know he doesn’t have schizophrenia, Cartman. Now why do you think he asks about Heidi so much?’
‘He wants to fuck-,’ his fucking own delusion rolls eyes at him, ‘-he’s scared of her?’
‘Almost there. Keep it up and we’ll find a solution by the time you and Heidi get married.’
‘Ew, I’m not getting married to a fucking female.’
Stan’s mouth drops open. ‘That’s …’
He abruptly closes it and starts massaging the bridge of his nose instead, ‘Whatever. But you understand that Kyle is afraid of encroaching on Heidi’s space right?’
It is as if a switch has been flicked in Cartman. His anger burns so bright it turns red hot. ‘So the fucking pussy’s acting like our friendship is under the bridge just because I’m having a girlfriend. What happened to “bros before hoes” huh?’ His voice is oddly high-pitched and playful. He feels like laughing and crying at the same time only because otherwise he would explode.
He swerves violently when he spots a car coming into his vision a little too late. The two vehicles narrowly miss each other. The other driver says something to him, but he stops once he sees Cartman’s murderous expression.
Meanwhile, Cupid Stan settles on the dashboard like one of those bobble head toys. Finally, Cartman is getting something through his thick head.
As soon as they get on a straight, empty road, Cartman starts ranting.
‘This is why this is a fucking mistake to try to be friend with the Jew. Now I have to deal with his period and his shitty deceptions.’
‘You don't really mean that.’ Cupid Stan states flatly.
‘How do you know what I mean? You’re just a delusion I have because I’m mentally ill!’
‘Focus on the road, Cartman, or we’ll actually die this time.’
‘If I crash I’ll make sure whatever hits me hits you first.’ Cartman grits his teeth.
‘Sure. Do you remember how Kyle is with Tolkien’s group?’
It takes a while to stir Cartman’s memory. ‘Yeah. The daywalker was trailing after the special ed kids like a lost puppy. They obviously leave him out of everything too.’
For some reason, Cartman is reminded of how forlorn and overwhelmed Kyle looked standing alone in the sea of students crowding the hallway. And yet, he was weird when he saw Cartman with Heidi. Kyle donned on this shitty mask of joy that everyone can see through and waved stiffly before scuttering away like an unwanted rat.
Cartman didn’t understand that reaction at first, but now he sees that the self-righteous shit in Kyle’s head is forcing him to be happy for Cartman, although Kyle himself is unhappy. He’s probably repeating some mantras made for people getting out of abusive relationships because he doesn’t see a proper man-to-man broship on Orgasm or whatever it’s called. Serves him right for trying to lecture the gang every single day when they were 10.
Just like that, Cartman’s anger at Kyle slowly dissolves. Even before their friendship, it has always been hard to stay mad at Kyle when he is so beaten down anyway.
Instead, his anger slowly shifts to Heidi and her "friends". Oh, how he has suffered just to keep her. He hates how stupid they are, how he has to pretend to laugh along to their stupidity. He hates how the males pant over her then have the audacity to act protective like brothers. How all the females subtly insult his big bones all the time, yet have no guts to admit their fat female friends are fat. He misses being able to joke about the real things, going on evening rides to places that isn’t some rich fucker’s house. Most of all, he misses Kyle, he guesses.
***
Eventually, Heidi's house enters his vision.
'What do I do now, Cupid Stan? I want the old Kyle back.' He pleads with his eyes glued on to the only window with light on - Heidi's room.
'Then you'll have to trade, I’m afraid,' Cupid Stan says mystically before disappearing with a pop.
Cartman turns off his engine, just in time for the shadow in Heidi’s window to move away. While he waits for her to come down, he makes different expressions in the side mirror.
An excited expression is appropriate for a booty call, so he settles for that. There are still traces of anger in the stiffness of his smile and the hardness of his eyes, so he stretches his mouth some more and blinks a few times to relax.
By the time Heidi unlocks her door and is running towards him, Cartman's mask of excitement is firmly tacked onto his face.
'Hi babe,' he smiles easily.
'Hi!' She envelops him in a tight hug. Cartman pats her back softly and wonders if he is willing to trade all of this for Kyle.
When he enters her house, only the hallway is dimly lit with a hanging light. The rest of the house is submerged in black. Her parents must have already gone to bed then.
Heidi leads him to her room with their hands intertwined. She is wearing short green pajamas that show off her milky arms and legs. A cloud of vanilla follows her, tickling his nose.
Unlike the rest of the house, her mostly pink room is lit up by all sorts of lights. There's a plate of uneaten fruit on her desk, along with a few opened books and files. She has been doing homework before she comes down to open the door for him. Like Kyle, Heidi lets him copy her homework, except more often. She probably can't copy his handwriting as perfectly as Kyle does though.
Heidi starts talking about her day. Cartman feels his mask cracking fast, and this time he can't find a reason to fix it. Upon noting Cartman's disinterest, Heidi touches his thigh.
Eventually, she settles between his legs and zips open his pants. She chances a look at him, and immediately returns to her task as she sees that he still looks mostly emotionless.
'Are you okay, babe? Is anything bugging you?'
'I'm o-,' Cartman gasps when he feels himself being swallowed by a hot, wet mouth, '-kay.'
He strokes her head as she sucks him off, her eyes locked on his face as she observes his reaction. It's good, but he wonders if it beats getting himself off in the shower at home. Like, it obviously won't be as good, but he won't have to deal with pretending to be interested in what she says, or pretending to enjoy hanging out with her friends anymore.
He pulls on her hair experimentally, and watches as she makes a pained sound at the back of her throat. Still, the suction doesn't cease.
Cartman is reminded of all the times Heidi confides in him about how plain and stupid she feels compared to her friends. Back then, he thought it was simply what comes with dating a girl, but now it strikes him that she is the insecure type who will do anything to keep a boyfriend. He doesn't hate her, but he thinks she deserves what’s coming for her if she keeps being so desperate.
However, he’s tired and all he wants to do is to hang out with Kyle like before. He’ll leave the job of educating her to the hands of the jocks hanging around her like flies. These apes aren’t radical feminists like Kyle for sure. In fact, if they ever respect women as much as they claim, they wouldn’t be putting Heidi on a pedestal trying to “protect” her.
With that, Cartman makes up his mind. He looks down at Heid and sees tears glimmering in her eyes.
‘Sorry, I’m just not feeling it today,’ he feigns sheepishness. She releases him slowly, as if waiting for him to change his mind.
‘Come here.’ Cartman pulls Heidi to his lap and reaches into her shorts.
She moans when he starts rubbing her clit. Soon, his hand is soaked. He plunges two fingers in and stares at the pictures above her bed of her and her friends. Good fucking riddance.
Heidi starts moving back in tandem to the thrusts of his fingers, her moans growing more high pitched and broken. Blood rushes to Cartman’s lower region and his cock twitches in interest.
He’ll always be attracted to her, he thinks. But it’s not enough to justify losing his best friend.
'Hey,' Heidi says to him on the bed, her voice still croaking from the rough blowjob.
Cartman no longer feels the obligation to turn to her, but he eventually has to when she starts tugging his sleeve. As she rambles on about things he couldn't give less of a shit about, he starts brewing up a plot.
Suddenly, a brilliant idea glints in Cartman's mind. It’s spectacular. It’s sensational. It’s killing three birds with one stone.
Heidi mistakes his shift in mood for interest in what she is saying. She talks even more, while Cartman tweaks and adds more to his genius plan.
Eventually, Heidi tires herself out. After her second yawn, she decides to stop talking and kiss Cartman on the cheek before pulling the blanket up.
‘See you tomorrow, babe.' Cartman's voice is chipper as he kisses her back.
'See you.'
***
Cartman puts on Heidi's favorite track when he drives her to school. Even when he usually hates it, he finds his fingers drumming to the cheery tune. Next to him, Heidi sings the chorus with the window open. Cartman lets her have it, encourages it even. Fortunately, she’s a much better singer than Kyle, so he is never distracted by the urge to laugh.
He feels like such a gentleman for letting her savor the last few moments before what the marvelous plot he is going to unleash on her. Kyle’s feminist agenda would be proud.
***
Cartman walks into the school hallway with a bright smile, his hand hooking around Heidi’s waist. He greets Heidi’s friends, his smile never dimming.
As they start their routine of talking shit, Cartman occasionally chimes in with a politically correct joke to heighten the good mood while keeping an eye out for Kyle. Since Kyle travels to school by bus nowadays, he always enters the hallway a few minutes later than Cartman.
A little unexpectedly, the jocks like him so much today one even sling an arm around his shoulders. Cartman is welcoming to the change though and jokingly punches the big ape’s side in return. This will make the crash even sweeter.
As soon as Kyle is within his eyesight, Cartman’s arm on Heidi's waist travels to her neck. He pulls her in and whispers, 'I'm breaking up with you.'
Heidi's laughter immediately ceases.
'What?' The people nearest to them say. Some other students have gathered around when they notice the sudden silence.
'I'm breaking up with Heidi,' he says loudly, punctuating every syllable with a growing grin like it’s an amazing joke that takes time to digest.
Heidi’s face is white like a sheet now. She'll probably cry soon.
'What the hell, man. Is that a joke?' One of the jocks asks tensely. Cartman likes that the dumb ape has to ask. Of course it is, joking is putting out an incriminating statement then taking it back when no one likes it.
Cartman raises his eyebrows.
'Nope. I don't like her anymore. So I need to break up.' He answers slowly, as if he is speaking to a toddler.
Heidi starts breaking down next to him. Her female groupies escort her away.
All that’s left are the apes circling him. Bloodlust wafts through the air. Even other students are giving them a wide berth, although they are still watching.
A jock grabs his shirt and slams him against the locker.
'You just made her cry. Apologize.'
Cartman acts all confused and innocent. 'Why? I was being straightforward.' He sees the green of Kyle’s ushanka flickering behind the jock’s head. He has heard everything then.
The jock's fist flies towards him. Cartman has expected some backlash for such a public rejection, so he closes his eyes and braces himself. One black eye means nothing in the grand scheme.
The fist never connects. Instead, Cartman is released abruptly and a loud crack is heard, then a thud. Kyle has hooked the jock so hard he falls to the side unconscious.
Now that they can fully see each other, the two boys’ world narrows down until it only fits the two of them. Kyle pants, his eyes wide, while Cartman’ eyes latch onto the blood on his best friend’s hand.
Instantly, the hallway descends into chaos as fists fly and people scream.
Kyle is very much in his element as he punches a jock so hard Cartman can see a bloody tooth flying. He cheers loudly, until he sees another jock going to hit Kyle’s blindspot. Cartman barrels into the ape and emerges victorious when the big bitch knocks into several others.
Through the cacophony of grunts and shouts, a shrill voice cuts through. ‘Enough!’
It’s the principal.
Everyone freezes. The woman shouts some other shit Cartman can’t catch. Hot on her heels is the new sports teacher, who glares at anyone who even dares to think of an excuse.
When they walk past him and Kyle, Cartman puts on a nervous mask and massages the large bruise on his arm to draw attention to it. The teachers are stunned when they see the blood staining Kyle’s knuckles, but their expressions bloom into red-faced rage when they realize most of the freshman’s football team is here.
***
The trip to the principal’s office is filled with fearful whispers, though not from the only two non-athletes. Kyle is nervous for his first time visiting the principal’s office, but he knows Cartman can get them out of there unscathed. Cartman, on the other hand, struggles to keep his lips from quirking up. His plan has worked out beyond amazingly.
As soon as the door is closed, a jock grumbles with a lisp, 'He tries to humiliate Heidi, Miss'. His left cheek is visibly swollen and bleeding, to Cartman’s satisfaction.
'That's a lie! I only tried to break up with her.’ Cartman cries, his eyes wide as if he has just been blatantly gaslighted. Then he lends some of Kyle's signature self-righteousness into his own voice. ‘You guys thought it was your business to punish me because you think I’m fat and don’t deserve her.'
A short silence spreads over the football team. Cartman has hit a bullseye, although it’s not a small bullseye to begin with. Some of these kids have been reported for bullying and bigoted language, although the freshman football coach has covered for them every time. The freshman coach is away to take care of a family emergency though. The sports teacher in the room, on the other hand, is a freshly-hired senior coach who is notorious for her high standards. Her rounder frame and Karen haircut makes it obvious whose side she will be on.
As soon as he realizes Cartman will get away scot free, a footballer immediately fumes. Several of his friends have to hold him back as he tries to get a hit in. Cartman backs up, his eyes wide and hands raised like a defenseless animal.
The principal sighs at the sight. She turns to Kyle, the only good student at the scene.
'Kyle, why are you here?'
'They cornered and tried to punch Cartman, so I had to jump in. Then they tried to hit me too.' Kyle explains.
He looks the worst out of the bunch and is currently sporting a black eye as well as bruises and cuts all over. The principal nods in sympathy.
Conveniently, Kyle leaves out the fact that they were from him trying to break as many teeth as he could before they were caught.
***
The jocks have to go to a room for mass suspension, so they can only threaten Cartman and Kyle before leaving. Cartman makes the cock-jerking motion at them, but returns to sitting innocently when the principal opens the door.
'Don't provoke them. What if they come after you next time?' Kyle murmurs heatedly, his side throbbing. Thankfully, Cartman is unscathed except for the bruise on his arm and the wrinkly front of his t-shirt.
Cartman turns to him and smiles brightly. 'Then I have you, Kyle. My knight in shining ... puffer jacket and Terrance and Phillip sweatshirt?'
'That was not funny,' Kyle shakes his head, but he can’t help the smile creeping onto his face. Codependent this, codependent that, but he can’t deny getting into schemes and eating up the consequences with Cartman is where he feels the most at home. Hanging out with Tolkien’s group and watching Euphoria doesn’t even compare.
Still, a question tugs his mind. His face turns serious. 'Why did you break up with Heidi like that? You know you could have done it in private or something.'
'But I like a show, Kyle.'
Kyle frowns. 'Other people's feelings are not shows.'
'Yeah? She'll recover, Kyle.’ Cartman shrugs. ‘She has a whole entourage of jocks thirsting after her and female groupies to kiss her feet.'
Like he predicted, Kyle starts lecturing about the ethics of playing with other's feelings. He sounds like the Jewish therapist, except with much more fire in his eyes. Cartman nods at the appropriate places and even makes a remorseful face that Kyle rolls his eyes at.
‘What! I’m just being supportive of your feminism!’
Like puzzle pieces clicking, Cartman feels like he’s back to their old dynamic. Kyle just needs to release his pent-up social justice baggage before he returns to his old self. Occasionally, Cartman even feeds in a point, like how the way the jocks used chivalry as a pedestal to put Heidi on makes her an object. Heidi’s friends are shit, but Bebe earned his respect for teaching him that.
When Kyle finishes ranting, he sees Cartman’s pleased expression.
'Fatass, what are you smiling at?'
'Your proficiency in women studies despite being a man. Self-hatred is very on brand for a Jew.'
'Being a feminist doesn't mean I hate being a man.'
'Sure.’ There's a slight pause.
‘I miss you by the way.'
Both boys meet eyes. Their lips bloom into mirroring smiles.
'I miss you too.'
'That is sooo fucking gay.'
'You’re the one who said it first!'
...
THE END.