Chapter Text
It was a normal day at the agency: Yosano was busy dressing up Kyouka, Dazai was chilling on the sofa, Kunikida was actually working on reports with Atsushi and the only two out were Kenji and Ranpo, because they wanted to eat at a very specific bakery that served sweet milk buns every Tuesday from 11 to 12:30 only. Everything was calm. Too calm.
“Boss!” Kenji agitated voice broke through the stillness of the late morning
Fukuzawa rose from his chair, quickly covering the short distance between his office and the common room where all the detectives worked. There, looking like he’d run a marathon, was Kenji. Everyone in the agency was surrounding him, each with a different shade of surprise and curiosity coloring their features: Kenji was holding something quite small inside Ranpo’s cape, thigh against his chest. When he spotted Fukuzawa looking at him he seemed uncharacteristically at a loss for words for a second.
“Kenji-kun, is that an infant?”
“Boss! I- I think this is Ranpo?”
“What?!” yelled Kunikida, every hair on his head standing straight up “Is this a joke? If it is, you better ask for the president forgiveness! Respect your elders!”
Fukuzawa laid a hand on the blond shoulder, stopping him from going on a tirade on the appropriateness of jokes in the workplace; Kenji looked genuinely spooked and confused and not at all like his usual joyful self, and that was enough to put the director on alert.
“Pass him here” Yosano stepped out of the semicircle of coworkers, hands out to receive the bundle. Kenji seemed glad to pass him over, although he had looked quite skilled at holding the small child -was his experience with newborn animals shining through?
When he was passed from the teen arms to the woman’s, the infant blinked big emerald eyes up at the new face -he then threw his hands up, scrunched up his little face and started crying.
“Wow” Kyouka murmured
“Ahh these could be Ranpo-san’s lungs alright”
“Shut up Dazai! This is serious!”
“Ehh? Kunikida-kun, don’t you know that listening to crying children helps with blood pressure? Write it down, write it down”
“…helps-with-blood-pressu-“
“I was joking”
Snap -Kunikida broke his pen.
Yosano was poking at the infant with abandonment, checking his grasp and suck reflexes. When he started sucking at her knuckle, the crying gradually stopped.
“He’s a healthy baby, probably somewhere between one and two months old. He still has his Moro reflex so no older than that. These do look like Ranpo’s eyes so there’s that, but we’d need a DNA test to be sure. We also need to feed and dress him, whether is Ranpo or not; I'll do a store run”
“Kenji-kun, please tell us exactly what situation where you in” Fukuzawa asked after acknowledging what Akiko said; he cautiously reached his arms out to take (maybe-)Ranpo, so that Yosano could go get the necessary supplies.
“Ranpo-san and I were coming back from the bakery down by the bus station, the one with all those beautiful cakes in the window. I got distracted by this nice old lady that owns a pawn shop and so we were separated for a couple of minutes. When I noticed he was not with me anymore I just thought he came back first, but then I was walking by the park and on the bench there was a pile of Ranpo-san’s clothes! And this kid was inside, sleeping”
“All his clothes were there?”
“Yes sir. Shoes and underwear and glasses too. No one suspicious around either; there were some people around, mostly families and people walking their dogs”
“Thank you Kenji, it really does seem like this is Ranpo. If this is an ability, maybe Dazai-kun can cancel it out; come, let’s step in more private location, in case it works”
“Sure director! I’ll tell you right now though, this is 50/50. If it doesn't work, then we need to find the culprit to nullify directly the source”
No longer human worked perfectly fine against any and all abilities, but not all abilities functions the same: some affect the subject in a direct, constant way, and so even just by touching the afflicted it can be nullified; others are only acting directly in the moment they are activated, and from then on act passively, which is why only touching the ability user works to stop them.
“Ranpo-kun, you are so cute like this” he moved to gently pat the rounded head.
And nothing happened.
“Well, this is anticlimactic”
Fukuzawa just huffed “Thank you, Dazai-kun. Seems we’ll need to go about this the old fashioned way”
“Thank God we are a detective agency then”
“Quite. I want everyone not busy on this. Yosano will go buy some supplies, and Tanizaki-kun should remain in the office, in case a costumer comes in”
“On it boss!”
He took the infant into his office, knowing that Akiko would come get him once ready. Doing a DNA test was common sense, but really, he was already sure of what it would say -the chances of it just being a random baby with green eyes and black hair, AND with the same mole on his foot, just laying in Ranpo’s clothes? Infinitesimal. Also that would imply that a naked 26-years-old-Ranpo was somewhere around Yokohama, which…just no.
He started browsing various sites about child care, looking for any information that would be useful in the short term: ‘how many times do babies need to eat?’ ‘What to feed them when you can’t breastfeed?’ ‘How to change a diaper’. He had zero experience with children prior to this, so everything was new to him; he’d never expected to find himself in the position to be a caregiver, but life had surprised him once before.
The baby in his arms was so small his body fit completely inside just his two hands, and that sight alone was kind of incredible. Right now he was sleeping against his chest, hands and legs tucked under his own body and face squished on Fukuzawa shoulder. He couldn’t weight more than 5 kg.
He realized he’d been lost in staring when the knock on his door startled him -Yosano was back.
“Come in”
She was holding two bags worth of items and a bag a diapers “Someone told me congrats on the baby. Anyway I left milk with Naomi, she is gonna make a bottle right now; that baby is gonna want to eat soon and also it’s going to be easier to calm him down with food after I take the blood sample. Sorry sweet baby, life is pain”
She was putting every item on his desk, over documents and all, clearly ranting to hide her agitation.
“I’m pretty sure it’s Ranpo”
“I don’t know if that makes it better or worse honestly. If he isn’t then there’s a chance he is going around naked, and at least that I could hold over his head” she finished unpacking, putting her hands on her hips and facing him square on “Now, let’s put this baby in a diaper. It’s a miracle he didn’t soil himself already”
The stared at each other for a moment, unmoving.
“Fukuzawa-sensei, do you know how to put a diaper on?”
“…I saw a tutorial”
“…great. I’m sure we’ll figure it out, it can’t be that difficult”
Fukuzawa stood up and very gently laid the sleeping child on his back on the desk, while Yosano searched for the tutorial again. Three seconds after being put down, Ranpo’s face scrunched up, he gave a whole body scroll and lifted arms and legs, freeing himself from the cape still bound around his body and looking ready to scream.
“Quickly, pass me the diaper”
“Here. Now open the two sticky flaps and lay the back side under his bottom- wait maybe just grab his legs and- yeah like that- WOH okay nice timing”
The fresh air of the room seemed to have stimulated the small bladder, which is how Fukuzawa ended up holding a soiled diaper before even being able to put one on.
“The forum did say this could happen” he murmured to himself while wiping down Ranpo and then trying again with a new diaper. The baby was now clearly agitated so he tried to be quick and efficient, before once again bringing him close to his body to rock him back into calmness.
“Here, let’s put him in an onesie. Thank God it’s going to be summer soon, this would have been harder with winter clothes”
Knock knock “President?” a voice called from outside
“Come in, Naomi”
“I have the bottle ready. OH MY GOD he is SO cuuuuute” she basically ran to Fukuzawa side “is it really Ranpo? Ughhhh I want to squish him. Hi baby!”
“We aren’t 100% sure yet, but probably, yes. Yosano, if you will” he gestured to the medical equipment she had brought.
“Okay I’ll only need a tiny bit, here from the heel” he kept the baby still against himself so that Akiko could work easily, while on their other side Naomi looked horrified.
At the prick of the needle the baby started screaming, a rhythmic sound that was interrupted by huge gulps for air and sobs. He barely moved but the effort was so strong it made his whole face red.
“oh God we are monsters” Naomi whispered while keeping her hands tightly over her hears.
“There, there, all done, good baby” she cleaned the point with disinfectant and put on a small band aid.
Fukuzawa hummed a little, genuinely feeling a bit bad. However necessary, hurting a baby was not something he’d done before, and he wished he’d never have to do it again. With his right hand he reached out for the bottle of milk on the desk, while his left hand kept the baby safely against his chest and gently patted his back. He lowered him so that he laid horizontally, trying to simulate the hold a mom would keep to feed her baby, then he brought the bottle's nipple near his mouth and tried to coax him into drinking. After a moment of what could be described as confusion, Ranpo eyes opened and he began drinking eagerly, pain and tears all but forgotten “Good. That’s good , Ranpo”
Yosano sighed “Yeah, we’ll see about that. I’ll bring the test to the lab now”
“Of course. Thank you, Akiko”
“Do you need me for anything, president? I’m good with kids you know” Naomi piped up.
“Nothing for now, thank you. I’ll call you at once if anything comes up”
“yes, sir!” quick as a whip, she took her phone out and took a photo of him feeding Ranpo, who was now slowly pawing at his chest while greedily drinking “you’ll thank me later for these!” and ran out.
Once again alone, he fed until the bottle was empty, at which point Ranpo was looking ready to drop into sleep from one moment to the next. He caressed the baby black tuft of hair with one finger, as at the moment just one was enough to cover the span of a fourth of his head -god he really was small; under his careful ministrations, the boy fell asleep…and he realized he was effectively blocked on his chair. The desk was a mess of items, all his documents and letters were buried underneath, and his mouse was sitting too far out of his reach for him to browse the web without moving. If he moved, Ranpo would wake -that’s true, right? Babies woke from anything. That’s why neo parents were always sleep deprived. And if a sound could wake him, then being moved was a sure route to a crying fest. No, that would not do. He ought to stay still and wait until Ranpo woke naturally, as their current situation was entirely born from his lack of foresight and the baby was not to be punished for it.
Mind made up, he settled in for a meditation session.
--
Confirmed, it really is Ranpo. Need anything ? -read Yosano text, a couple of hours later
Thank you Akiko. Ranpo’s sleeping. You can go back to your usual duties - Fukuzawa Yukichi
--
A knock on the door startled him from his inner musing.
“Come in” he whispered, seeing as the infant was still deeply asleep. Dazai face emerged from the side of the slightly open door, wearing a questioning look. The next moment, Kunikida grabbed him by the collar of his shirt and fully opened the door while crowding him inside
“Is Ranpo-san sleeping?” He asked lowly, looking uncomfortably at the baby
Fukuzawa nodded, also unsure about whether to ask for the news now or again wait for Ranpo to wake naturally.
“Kunikida-kun~ don’t be so tense! Kids can sleep through basically anything you know? As long as they are held you are pretty much set”
By the door Kunikida froze, then coughed twice to hide his embarrassment “Of course I knew! I knew. Eh-ehm”, on his chair, Fukuzawa was also frozen.
“Boss, how long have you been sitting still for uhmm?”
“I was.. just resting my eyes”
“Of course!” Dazai looked like the cat who got the cream. Kunikida hit in on the head for the disrespect.
“No more on that. What have you found?”
“Kenji-kun showed use the route they took and the park. Nothing strange was happening in the vicinity, we went around asking whether they’d seen anything strange or suspicious but no one knew anything of importance. There’s a shop right after the trail, so we asked for the surveillance tape for the outside -Tanizaki and Kyouka are looking through it right now. The chances of it being useful are low though; in the park, anyone could come and go to and from the bench in any which way, not necessarily following the trail”
“Thank you Kunikida-kun”
“In the mean time, I asked an associate of mine to look into the government files on gifted people. If the person is registered as a gifted then we can easily get to them and undo it. The thing is, what reason would anyone have to attack Ranpo, but then leave him there? If this is a targeted attack on the agency, that would make no sense. It could also be someone attacking casually, just for the fun of it, which would make Ranpo an unfortunate victim of the circumstances -but still, that would mean they probably already did it in the past, or will do it again, which makes finding them easier. Worst case scenario, someone simply made a mistake…Asking around could make them come out and own up to it if they feel bad enough, but that’s just conjecture”
"Of course. Thank you too Dazai-kun. If you could also ask our…other associates, it would be great. Call for Naomi on your way please”
What the two detectives had reported was not the type of news he’d wished to hear. Motive was the strongest clue when looking for a suspect, and without it this entire search would be a thousand times more difficult…especially because Ranpo was (clearly) not available to solve the unsolvable. He absently rocked the infant in his arms, trying to find a way out; having to raise the detective all over again was daunting prospective, especially because he hadn’t done it the first time around. The way Ranpo’s parents raised him…it wouldn't be possible for him to imitate them, but it was that way of growing that avoided having a child-genius with a god complex on their hands.
Yes, it’d made it difficult for Ranpo to adapt to society once they were gone, but no parents is expecting to suddenly leave their child orphaned. To be raised normally, understood and supported, was what had kept Ranpo’s feet on the ground and develop (just) enough empathy to be able -and desire- to connect with people around himself. Fukuzawa admired the determination with which those two worked for their kid; he guessed they wished to avoid him the loneliness of being the best, as no one had probably done for them at his age, but for nature of things he couldn't do the same. Neither he nor the rest of the agency was smart enough to keep up with Ranpo’s genius mind, and even as a child he would notice the difference in skill; maybe Dazai could -for sure in emotional and social situations- but he didn’t have the same deductive power. Also, just one person wasn’t enough to keep the farce up.
Would growing surrounded by gifted make him feel inadequate? How much of Ranpo was just Ranpo, and how much was a product of his environment? Would his personality change drastically with his circumstances so different?
This agency was built for him, and it would be whatever he needed it to be to thrive. It would wait for him to grow up all over again if that’s what’s needed.
(All through his musing, never did the thought of leaving Ranpo in someone else’s care cross his mind; the boy had been his responsibility for 12 years now, and would be so for the rest of his natural life. It didn’t matter whether he felt ready to actually be a parent for an infant or not, he would fill any role in service of his welbeing; he knew that while never stated, he had filled a similar role for Ranpo already -in fact, it was the most important job he ever had.)
He was getting ahead of himself -nothing was for sure right now. Abilities often times had a time limit, and would fade even when left alone. They just needed to do the best they could and adapt to the ever evolving situation.
A while later Ranpo started fussing, scrunching his little face up and extending his hands, legs distended and body taut.
“Hello, Ranpo” he said to the baby, unsure how to talk to him “did you have a good sleep?”
Obviously he couldn’t answer. He looked at Fukuzawa with furrowed brows, letting out some mewls and whines; he wasn’t crying but he didn’t look happy either.
“Are you hungry again? We better ask Naomi for another bottle” he rose from his chair awhile putting Ranpo in a more comfortable position, upright in his arms, so that he could tuck his face against his shoulder.
Naomi was very informative on how to properly prepare a bottle, how to test its temperature and how to better hold a baby while supporting the head. When he presented the nipple to Ranpo, though, the baby just furrowed his eyebrows more, and pushed it away. His whines were getting stronger and his lip was jutting out in a (seriously cute, but threatening tears) pout.
“I wonder what he wants…he is clean, he slept well and he doesn’t want to eat. The internet says that babies feed once very 3 hours, which puts us on schedule”
“uhmm” Naomi was staring at the baby, offering him a finger to grab and play “maybe something hurts? Babies often have colics and upset stomachs”
“ah…perhaps then”
When the fussing got worse, and Ranpo starter to rub his face against the soft yukata on fukuzawa’s shoulder, the man gently (but desperately) tried imitating what he’d seen parents do to upset to children: shushing them while patting their back and bum.
A sound like a wet hiccup – Ranpo spit up a mouthful of formula.
…
…
“Fukuzawa-san, did you burp him after that first feeding?”
“I…no, I did not”
“Ah. That explains it” she grabbed a handful of tissues and began dabbing at his shoulder, offering him one to clean Ranpo’s face “that’s normal then, you need to burp a baby during or after every feeding until they're like.. six months old I think? Or else they are gonna spit up, or pass gas. Here, I’ll feed the baby, you can go change boss”
First instinct was to shy away from her hands and keep Ranpo to himself, but then logic won out -she literally knew more than him on how to care for a kid, and he trusted her. He could trust her with Ranpo too while he cleaned up -he had a spare yukata in his office. He passed the baby over, and kept hearing Naomi delighted squeals all the way to his office.
---
The rest of the afternoon was spent mostly with Ranpo sleeping and eating, every time in the arms of a different detective, as they were all quite in awe of the little creature. Even Kunikida tried holding him, but looked so uncomfortable that Yosano quickly plucked Ranpo back up; Dazai had him for a couple of minutes only, in which they intently stared at each other, not even moving, then “Ranpo-san come back soon, okay? I don’t want to be the best detective around” he said while dramatically passing the baby over to Atsushi, before throwing himself over the couch.
Atsushi was so anxious his legs were trembling, but he took to baby-holding as a duck to water. He kept the head steady and a constant stream of consciousness going that put Ranpo right to sleep. When that happened though, he seemed to get self conscious and had to be reassured it was a good thing, great even.
“President, Atsushi-san” a low voice called from his back “can I… also hold him?”
“Kyouka-chan, of course. Here, sit on the couch” Naomi directed the young girl so that she could sit comfortably before explaining to her exactly how to hold a baby so small, and how to avoid waking him. When she was ready, Atsushi slowly passed the baby over to her.
Kyouka holding a sleeping Ranpo made for the cutest picture.
You could feel the agency bursting from how adorable they looked; Naomi got so many pictures it filled her memory card, but it really was worth it. In the back of the group, Fukuzawa was filled with a parental feeling so strong a weaker man would be swaying on his feet.
“He’s squishy” she commented, sounding surprised of the fact “he could die so easily” -that brought down the common elated feeling.
“AH! Kyouka-chan! Don’t say that while holding him please!”
“Uhmm. He is so cute” she didn’t seem to be hearing him nor anyone else, fully focused on Ranpo sleeping face. Fukuzawa advanced, and gently patted her head -he supposed he could let her hold him for a while longer. He settled in besides her: it was time for tea, and he was looking forward to drinking it with the (now) two youngest members by his side.
---
When the work day reached its end, Fukuzawa gathered all the items Yosano had left in his office, picked up a (sleeping, yes, again) Ranpo from where he laid on the couch surrounded by a fort of pillows, and got ready to leave.
“President” called Yosano from her office, jogging to met him by the door “here, I compiled a list of things to expect and do to properly take care of Ranpo. He'll wake every few hours through the night, so brace yourself”
“That's fine, I’m used to sparse sleep anyway; I’ll call if something changes”
Before he could take a step though, a voice piped up.
“Umm~” he then noticed Dazai standing next to them, peering down at the baby with a scrutinizing eye “president, doesn’t Ranpo-san look bigger?”
.
.
.
Ah.