Work Text:
“Jimmy! Here you are. I thought you’d be joining us in the squad room.”
When Parker had messaged, saying he and Nick were stopping by NCIS for a debrief on the way back from the airport – and right in time to scoop up Jimmy after his flight back from Hawai’i too – everyone had congregated in the bull pen.
Ducky had ventured down from his archival sanctum, Delilah had materialised at Tim’s side and Kasie had stood in front of Parker’s desk, talking to Vance about some new piece of equipment she was getting – Jess hadn’t exactly been listening.
She’d been too busy wondering how she was supposed to greet Jimmy.
What exactly are you supposed to say to your… whatever they are, of a year when he returns from being abducted by another federal agency? And in front of all your coworkers no less.
When Parker and Nick had appeared but Jimmy hadn’t been beside them, Jess had begun to wonder if he’d maybe gone straight home to Victoria but when she’d asked, she’d been told that he’d just gone to pick something up from autopsy.
After ten minutes had passed and he hadn’t appeared, she’d begun to get the feeling that maybe he wasn’t going to be coming up and had been torn between going to find him or giving him some space.
Eventually, her concern had won out and she’d slipped away from everyone, taking the stairs to avoid catching everyone’s eye.
Not that she’s under any illusion most of them hadn’t noticed and immediately known exactly where she was going – she does work with the best investigators in the agency – but she’d rather leave without comment.
The autopsy doors had slid open and revealed him there, scrubbing down one of the tables by the light of a lamp and the intense relief at the confirmation that he is in fact okay and back in one piece had been instantaneous.
“Yeah, sorry Jess,” he glances up at her but doesn’t stop working at the table, “it just, uh, felt like quite a few people up there and it’s been a long few days, you know? I wanted, well, needed, something a little quieter,” he lifts the cleaning supplies and tries for a smile, although it comes off as more of a grimace, “and there’s nothing like a bit of cleaning to get your mind off things!”
It’s something that Jimmy has always done, from long before she’s known him, she’s aware, he cleans to clear his head. But right now, his scrubbing has an almost frantic quality to it that, combined with the way he won’t quite meet her eyes, is setting off alarm bells in her mind.
“Hey Jimmy, are you doing alright?” carefully, she steps closer to him, leaning back against the table he’s cleaning, “more than just a long few days, it’s been a traumatic few days. I know it feels easier to try and just forget it and move on but remember what Dr Grace says, we have to take the time to process these things.”
“Yeah I know, I am,” he replies, more sharply than is usual for him, even in times of stress.
She frowns but he immediately shoots her an apologetic look and sucks in a breath that doesn’t seem to go anywhere.
“Sorry, sorry. I’m… trying,” he amends.
At her look, he sighs, wipes a weary hand over his face and leans back against the table next to her.
“The whole plane journey out there, twelve hours, and all I could think was that maybe I’d never get a chance to fly back-“ a deep dread curls inside Jess’ stomach as she sees where this is going- “that maybe I’d never come home and I’d leave…” his voice falters and her hand finds its way automatically to his shoulder, “I’d leave my Victoria without any parents. I can’t do that to her, Jess, she’s already lost too much.”
Feeling utterly helpless as she watches the tears form in his eyes, she squeezes his shoulder again.
“But you’re here, Jimmy,” she reminds him, “you’re always gonna be here for her.”
“There’s no always, Jess,” he breathes sharply, “there’s no-“
Trembling breaths cut him off, coming rapidly one after another, never giving him time to catch up as he stares at her, wide-eyed in exponentially growing panic.
Immediately, she steps around to face him and her hands grab his, squeezing in a steady pulsing rhythm.
“Jimmy. Jimmy, you need to breathe with me,” she whispers, trying to keep her voice steady even as the man in front of her looks at her like his whole world is crumbling around him.
“Come on,” she encourages, “you’re having a panic attack. You know the science behind it, you feel like you can’t breathe so you take quicker breaths but that doesn’t get you as much oxygen as taking nice, long breaths. So, breathe with me. In and out. In and out. Follow my hands.”
It takes a while but his breathing does eventually even out as Jess keeps a steady rhythm with the squeezes to his hands and stares reassuringly into his eyes.
“It’s okay. You’re okay. You can breathe,” she promises him as he swallows and nods, a few tears making tracks down his face.
She releases one of his hands so he can remove his glasses but he doesn’t get chance to rub at his eyes because she’s there in a moment, thumb brushing away the tears and fingertips skimming comfortingly over his cheek.
The other hand reaches up to join the first, so that his face is cradled carefully as she tries to silently ask if he’s okay.
He seems to know what she’s trying to say and she feels his head move in a minute nod under her hands.
Leaving feather-light touches and gentle caresses in her path, she lets her hands trail down until they’re wound carefully around the back of his neck. His hands come up automatically to her forearms, just above her elbows, grounding himself against her.
“You’re right,” she whispers, voice barely loud enough to carry across the short distance between them, “there’s no always. There’s only as long as you can.”
Tears well up in his eyes again, reflecting the light of the lamp back at her.
“And I know that you’re going to be with Vic for as long as you can. Everything else is beyond your control,” she caresses the back of his neck soothingly, “but I know you, Jimmy, and I know that you’re always going to do right by your daughter, you’re going to be there for her every minute you possibly can and you’re always going to fight for just one second more. Because you always fight for the people you love-” the tears begin to well up in her own eyes- “and there’s no one on this earth you love more than Victoria.”
“I would move the earth for her.”
His voice is rough but determined. She feels a tearful smile carve its way onto her face.
“There’s nothing quite like a father-daughter relationship – I know how much my dad loves me, even when he’s a fifteen-hour plane ride away,” tilting her head slightly, she considers him then steps forwards, closing the little space that had been left between them and holding him close against her.
Even though she is the one comforting him, she feels his hand tenderly cradling the back of her head and breathes deeply.
“And I know that Vicki knows how much you love her too.”