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Feelings didn’t come to him naturally, or at least when they did, he was certain he was feeling them wrong. coriolanus stood outside of sejanus’ door at the academy. he debates knocking for a moment.
he had heard screaming and wanted to check in on his friend, this was not the first time he had heard something like that from his room.
He knew to not be afraid, to not worry if sejanus had died. sejanus was stupid, but not stupid enough to be killed. He suddenly knocks without thinking. his fist hits the door gently and it opens almost immediately. a disheveled sejanus greets him at the door, tired eyes that have clearly been crying meet his own.
He felt a spark of something in his chest, something sad and it pulled. coriolanus takes a step forward and sejanus takes a step back, allowing him into the room.
Coriolanus waits for the door to shut before he pulls sejanus in for a hug, holding the nape of the man’s neck and keeping him close. sejanus weeps softly, something coriolanus would never point out. not here, or after.
“what was it?” he asks softly, speaking of the districts with disdain on his tongue. his thumb resting on sejanus’ cheek. it was a gesture he enjoyed because he could easily pass it off as accidental.
sejanus shakes his head yes. “it was different this time.” he speaks shakily.
“how so?”
“I killed you.” sejanus speaks, sounding almost ashamed.
Coriolanus laughs softly at that, still holding him close. “you killed me?” he asks with a smile.
“it’s not funny coryo…”
“I think it is.” he walks the two of them over to sejanus’ bed and he lays the man down before crawling in next to him on the tight fitting bed.
“I don't think I would ever even worry of you being my killer.” Coriolanus says truthfully.
Sejanus wraps his arms around the man’s middle, he pressed his forehead to Coriolanus’ back and sighs.
“you’re right in that instance, coryo.” Sejanus says quietly. The blond man felt something prideful grow inside of him, knowing the man behind him couldn’t kill him. it was something so simple to hear, but something that made him almost giddy.
The two men had never been more than this, they had never kissed, never shared stolen touches and breathless moans, coryo had only ever let sejanus hold him when the night terrors came. That isn’t to say Coriolanus had never thought about it…
In his own room he often thinks of sejanus’ lips on his. he thinks of hot open mouth kisses to his neck and chest. When left alone to his own thoughts his mind often lingers on the shape of sejanus’ lips. He had truthfully only ever kissed Lucy gray and he wondered if it would feel the same. He decided then and there that it wouldn’t be.
Sejanus’ hands hold onto something real, they hold onto the warmth of Coriolanus’ stomach. Lucy gray had her hands firmly at her side when they kissed, her fists clenched.
Coriolanus feels his fingertips on his chest and stomach through his shirt, the light touches feel scolding. He thinks of how freeing it would be if sejanus ripped into him. if he took his hands and tore into coryo’s flesh. If he carved a space for himself inside of Coriolanus’ ribs. it would be his. He thinks, certainly. That space he carves for himself, that space would be sejanus’ and sejanus’ alone.
“How'd you kill me?” Coriolanus asks, his eyes closing.
The silence feels upset, as if he had drudged up the worst dream. Sejanus stiffens a bit, “a knife i think.” he says, trying to sound nonchalant.
Coriolanus smiles in his arms, his eyes closed as he pictures the scene.
“you think?” he asks with a smile.
“could’ve been an arrow.” Sejanus replies.
Coriolanus hums softly and sejanus scoffs. “You seem happy about that.” he says, voice uncertain but stern.
“I wouldn’t say happy, I would say intrigued.”
he notices the twitch in sejanus’ finger on his chest. He has something to say but won’t. Coriolanus knows not to push, or even if he wanted to he wouldn’t.
“How would you kill me?” he asks. “not in your dream, how would you kill me in life.” he knows sejanus doesn’t have it in him to take his life, but he figures a bullshit answer is a better answer than anything.
“what? coryo I wouldn't-“
“c’mon sejanus it’s not serious- just answer” he treats it like it’s nothing, like a joke almost. “I… I dunno, man.”
Coriolanus holds onto one of the hands Sejanus has on his chest and squeezes. “just tell me”
“poison”
that makes coriolanus still. For some reason his heart flutters at the word. He's quiet, his face flushed and for the first time he thinks ‘Jesus christ i’m insane’.
the way sejanus’ lips formed the words, it made a slow death at his hand seem romantic.
“coryo?”
“um- yes? yeah.” he says, snapping himself out of his own thoughts. “I don't actually want to poison you- you made me give an example-“ Sejanus rushes to explain, loosening his hold on the taller man in fear he did something wrong.
Coriolanus starts to laugh softly, still holding onto sejanus’ hands.
The conversation tapers off from there, the two talk for a while longer before Coriolanus feels sejanus’ forehead press to his shoulder and his breathing go deep.
he wants to let himself be held for longer… but he also wants to look. He wants to stare at sejanus and let himself touch the man’s face. He wouldn’t consider it love, he isn’t sure he can feel that. if he didn’t feel it with lucy gray, then why would he be able to with sejanus? it’s fascination, he tells himself. He wants to study his friend, see why the man follows him so blindly, he wants to test his strength, he wants to bend and break the man in the name of science.
poison
he thinks of the word again and smiles, he imagines living with sejanus years in the future, drinking tea with him in the afternoon and feeling blood fill his mouth. playing cat and mouse with the man, letting him poison him and in turn breaking him as the two grow old.
Either way, sejanus would still reside in his ribs.
He wants to kiss him at this moment, he wants to prove himself right; just fascination. He wants to see if he tastes how he thinks, if he tastes of ma’s treats and the game makers room.
He thinks of how coriolanus’ peers think of Sejanus; he thinks it would be exciting to be with someone that his peers despise. He imagines being in front of a room of his fellow students, the people he doesn’t care for, he imagines gripping the collar of sejanus’ uniform and kissing him violently.
He wants to watch the whole thing crumble, he would destroy every bridge he has in his schooling for the fun of it.
sejanus stirs in his sleep, his arms tighten around coriolanus. In the privacy of the room, coriolanus links his spindly fingers with sejanus’. He thought the action went unnoticed by his sleeping friend, but he was met in return with sejanus’ thumb running over the pale skin of his index finger.
there’s an ache in his rib.
The next few months are different, the two become peacekeepers, they’re stationed in 12.
He knows this is a mild concern, a nothing concern really…. he misses sejanus’ hair. He's carded his fingers through the tight curls before and missed having the chance to do it in their new life.
He sees Sejanus in the peacekeeper role and knows how poorly he’s doing. He can’t kill and hates witnessing the executions. Sejanus stares at the hanging tree in a near anguish for the district traitors that lost their lives. Coriolanus will never understand sejanus’ attachment to the districts, he speaks their praise with his whole chest every time…
“I heard you.” he says one night, sitting in the woods outside the electric fence lines.
“what?” Sejanus asks curiously.
“I heard you. you’re going to save that district girl.”
Sejanus freezes and looks at him. “fuck” he says simply. It’s almost him acknowledging that his best friend has information that could kill him.
“listen….” he starts to explain himself but is quickly cut off.
“you forget who you are.” coriolanus said.
“I remember who i am.” he says, his eyebrows furrowed. “I am of the districts, coriolanus.”
coriolanus’ eyes widen, Sejanus doesn’t call him that… he’s coryo. He always has been to him. It silenced him instantly, he stares out at the scenery.
“You heard me speaking to Billy taupe. Talk to me.”
Coriolanus hates the anger he feels in his friend's voice, it angers him in return. The thought of his best friend, his boy, being a traitor makes him sick.
this is it. This is how he kills me. Snow thinks.
it’s not poison, it’s this. He'll claw his way out of my ribs and run back to the districts.
“I didn't take you for a fool, sejanus.” he says, venom on his lips.
“do you care for anything but yourself?” he questions angrily, standing up and looking down at him.
something tugs in his brain at another man looking down on him, he stands up angrily as well. he approaches the man, staring at him with disdain. “you are not a district boy anymore, sejanus. you’re one of us.” he tells the curly haired man.
“i will never be you. i would not send children to the games!” sejanus yells, his eyes pricking with tears.
ever the sensitive one.
“you could be killed for this.” Coriolanus says, grabbing onto Sejanus's gray bulletproof vest and pulling him close.
“Then I would die for something good!”
“Is that your only option? dying for people who would never do the same for you?”
“It's better than dying with you!” Sejanus yells.
Coriolanus doesn’t like that, he doesn’t like it when people strike a nerve. He doesn’t like feeling less than anyone, especially not him.
Coriolanus stares at him, eyebrows furrowed. “who said you would die with me?” he asks softly, hoping to hurt him the same way he had done.
Sejanus is silenced, his brown eyes dancing with unshed tears.
“Who told you i’d keep you around that long?” he asks, beckoning Sejanus to fight back. when he doesn’t get an answer he shakes sejanus lightly. In a surge of anguish, sejanus rears back. He hits coriolanus in the face, blood runs down porcelain skin. it mixes in his teeth, in his mouth. The hit has him pushed back, he starts to laugh, an unsettling sound.
Sejanus hits again, tugging his head back by the back of his hair. He continues to laugh.
he looks down at sejanus, his hair still fisted in the man’s hand. Sejanus is looking up at him, something Coriolanus has never seen lingers in his eyes.
sejanus moves first, that’s what coriolanus tells himself.
he’s the one that forcefully pressed his lips to coriolanus’.
Snow's hands hold onto the sides of the man’s face, blood smears on sejanus’ lips. It’s a fight between the two of them, a release, and a goodbye… it’s everything.
coriolanus made up his mind of what he’s going to do with the jabberjay, he made it up days ago. No matter how he wishes to take it back now. for now he holds onto sejanus desperately, dragging him closer, dragging him with him as he fights off the regret that threatens to burst from his body.
when sejanus breaks away his lips are stained red and his eyes are frantic. “i need you.” he says.
“and I need you alive.” coriolanus pants.
“then let me live.” he says, his nose nudging coriolanus’.
Snow nods and for this moment he pretends his actions won’t have his best friend killed within the week.
The two kiss again.
5 days. That’s how long it takes for sejanus to be detained and held in district 12. Coriolanus isn’t allowed to see him, he’s not allowed near until the hanging in the morning.
Lucy gray watches in the audience, coriolanus stares at anything but her, he is in his full peacekeeper uniform, his gun at his side. He stares ahead and fights nausea in his body.
The prisoners, traitors, are brought out. instantly his eyes meets sejanus’. his arms are bound but when the man gets close enough to coriolanus he surges forward and presses his lips to his quickly before being pulled back and hit.
it was so short snow didn’t get the chance to reciprocate. Some of the fellow peacekeepers laugh at the kiss, coriolanus doesn’t doubt that they’ll make fun of him later. He doesn’t care, he can’t breathe and his eyes are watering.
He wishes he could cover his ears, he hears sejanus begging for help from the same people he tried to save. coriolanus decides now that the districts are terrible. He already thought so low of them but Sejanus was going to save one of theirs and they won’t move to help him? They deserve everything the peacemakers give to them.
It was worse when he heard the rope be put around his neck. He was still begging and yelling. coriolanus’ tears didn’t fall but he knew they were going to.
“Coryo please!”
i’m going to throw up. he can’t move, he can’t breathe.
The jabberjays torture him with copies.
“coryo please” “coryo please” “coryo”
then the worst of it comes, his crimes are read off and finally he screams.
“Ma!”
coriolanus heard the lever pulled and the bodies drop. He can’t look, he faces the audience. the people of the district. He wants to be on the hanging tree with sejanus.
fascination. that’s what snow had thought it was between them. It wasn’t, sadly it was the closest thing to love he has ever experienced.
The jabberjays continue
“ma! ma!” “ma!”
He wants to take his gun and shoot all of them.
He doesn’t look back until the people are cleared for an early curfew, then he still can’t look at the man’s body. He left and ran, he went where he could be alone. He sat by the crates and screamed. he sobbed and threw up. He broke everything he could see and tore at his hair.
his ribs ached.
He stayed there having his episode until the sun started to rise. Then he went back to the hanging tree.
Sejanus’ body was still there, still hanging.
He notices that someone had put flowers behind his ears, serving as a halo. flowers were in his pockets, in his shoes…
It makes snow sick, the district was comfortable grieveing him and adorning his body with treasures that sejanus deserved better than, but they hadn’t wanted to pull him away from that tree.
snow had wished in that moment for an uprising, he thinks it’s the only time he’ll wish for that.
Snow walks up the stage, he stops at sejanus’ feet then climbs the stage again until he gets to the noose.
It takes awhile but he takes sejanus’ body down and places him at the base of the tree, sitting up. he made sure his halo stayed intact, he knew sejanus would’ve liked the flowers.
He thinks of the last kiss he shared with the man, yesterday. rushed before his hanging.
he sits next to the body as the sun comes up.
the birds are quiet, he’s grateful for that.
Snow reaches over and holds onto sejanus’ hand before the district starts to wake up. Before his peers see him touching a dead traitor.
Snow doesn’t feel sick anymore, he feels nothing. He prefers it that way.