Chapter Text
I always thought I was different from others. Since the beginning of my miserable life, I had a hollow feeling deep inside. What seemed so obvious to others was impossible for me to grasp. Like how to have fun, how to feel, how to live. Walking around the mansion to keep myself from dying of boredom was common back then. If i’m not sad, I must be happy, right? When I saw the smiles plastered on my brother’s faces, that’s when I realized that I was different. That I was not human.
—————
As Dazai leaves his room, one of his brothers calls out for him. He always failed to remember when the family dinner took place and so it was the job of someone to remind him every time. Today, that job was filled in by Haru, the eldest of his brothers. When you think about it, it’s easy for someone like Dazai to forget eating, after all, he isn’t human, he doesn't need to eat. Even so, he still makes his way to the dining room out of courtesy. Passing numerous family pictures as he does. He looks out of place in these pictures. Like a grimacing monkey left alone in a world filled by the unknown. Every image including him lacks of light. As if his emptied eyes sucked it all up. He makes his way past the long and narrow corridor. The nude yellow colour always used to throw him off. It made him feel trapped in some sort of nightmarish landscape. In addition to the flowery pattern of the wallpaper who just added to the old and creepy aesthetic of the place. It leads him directly to the diner table. It's made of black oak wood and is enormous for their family even if they are six. This just proves how unnecessarily big it is. Maybe it was only because someone was missing, like always.
Sitting on his prompt up chair, Dazai waits until he gets his cue to start eating. Even after his eight years of life, he still doesn't get social norms. Not because he is dumb but because they are. He isn't going to bother learning something as useless. It’s not like he needs to learn them anyway because Dazai is a very observant child. With a glance, he can see the right hand of one of his brothers twitching, the atmosphere changing and the servants stationing themselves close to the doors. That’s his cue. That’s all he needs to understand to start eating. He wouldn't want his family to catch on to his little secret. He needs to pretend. He’s become really good at it over the past few years. Humans are supposed to eat, and so he will too. Even if it feels so unnatural for him. Even if he is disgusted by the thought of having something, anything, inside his empty body. Not like it’s a problem though because Dazai knows how to get rid of the feeling.
———
A year ago, He caught his mom making herself vomit. She had her entire left hand in her mouth as she convulsed with her head on top of the toilet. Grasping her long and thick brown hair to the side with her right hand. Dazai observed her carefully back then. Even noting how frail and pale she looked compared to the grey tiles of the bathroom. She fitted right in with the sanitary white of the walls. The scenery was soon ruined by the putrid green mush that left his mother’s mouth. After that day, Dazai began to practice the same ritual as her mother. Only when the sensation became too unbearable for him.
Haru even caught him in the act not so long ago. His face first full of curiosity and concern. It was fast replaced by an apologetic smile and eyes filled with pity and apprehension. Dazai didn't budge, he only stared at his brother until he started getting closer. He fell to his knees, copying Dazai’s position, and hugged him. It was the first hug he ever experienced. His eyes began to hurt, but he didn't know why. Something was swirling inside him. He didn't know if it was good or bad. He didn't know how to react either. And so his arms just stayed limply on either side of him. He doesn't remember how long it lasted but when his older brother stopped, what he was feeling stopped as well. His blurry vision returned to normal and he became empty again. He can’t recall what happened after that.
He did observe a shift in Haru’s behaviour regarding himself after the incident though. The few interactions they had before became more and more common. The tone of his brother’s voice was changing from a neutral and cold voice to a cautious and caring one. He didn't particularly care about the changes but it was a breath of fresh air in his dead and hollow life.
—————
Today’s a special day, his father is returning from one of his business trip, and so Dazai wants to make a good impression while he has the chance. His parents are rarely there after all. His dad is a very important figure in Japan, he doesn't have the leisure of passing time with his boys. It’s not like he wants to anyway. His mother on the other hand is completely different. She doesn't leave the house, which contributes a lot the her silky pale skin, yet it is rare to catch sight of her. Their house is pretty big, so it isn’t that surprising, but she’s even less there for her children than his father is. She has plenty opportunities to do so, but doesn’t. Maybe she isn’t human, just like Dazai. Or maybe, she doesn't “love’’ them.
He came to despise this word. Love. Every time someone said it, it seemed fake. Obligatory. Like when his parents told him this exact word way back. Their eyes were devoted of any sparks when they ushered it to him. They didn't even look at him. The only purpose of this word in their household was to keep appearances. To whom? to the world. As his dad goes through the imposing white gate of their mansion, he is told this exact lie. The word being carried by the wind to his ears. Everything seemed frozen, even if the carefully cut bushes were dancing in the background. Everything seemed dead even if the scenery was filled by vivid green. Even with the sparks of colour coming from the different flowers of their garden, the atmosphere was dry and and washed out. It seemed only his parents and himself had knowledge of it though. Deep down, his dad knew of the lie presented before him as he passed the threshold of their main entrance, yet neither him or his mom spoke out about it. They had to keep up appearances after all. For themselves. For their kids. And most importantly, for their perfect family.
—————
Despite what many may think, Osamu Dazai is not heartless. A better way to put it is considerate. So when his father asks him for what souvenir he wants when he comes back from his next trip, Dazai doesn’t know what to say. He doesn't want to disappoint his father. He doesn't want him to learn about his secret. About not being human. It’s not like he needs anything. After all, nothing can bring a smile on his face, it’s more about what his father wants him to say. What would he be happy to hear?
“Shuji, my boy, it’s your turn to pick a souvenir...’’
He was still thinking. What if this was a trial?? What if this was all just a mere test so he could qualify to be human? He can’t give the wrong answer. He can't be disqualified. He can’t disappoint.
“What about a book? I heard the maids say you read a lot. Would you like a book boy?’’
He doesn't need anything. He doesn't need a stupid book. But if thats what his father needs to hear, then it will suffice. Still, he can’t find the strength to articulate his thoughts. His father’s face starts to darken. He is still smiling, but it was starting to resemble Dazai’s smile in the family pictures. A smile with no value. As if the person just slapped on sticker and tried to pass it as natural. Some notice the difference, others don’t. Dazai, doing nothing else in his life but analyze everything, notices. He opens his mouth but nothing comes out. It’s not like he doesn't know how to communicate. Is he scared? No. He is as hollow as the darkness itself. He can’t feel emotions, right?
“ Would you like something more fun? A lion mask perhaps?’’ His father follows with with a slightly annoyed tone.
“ Tsushima...’’
Dazai looks straight into his father’s eyes as he ushered those words. His dad’s eyes widen as they meet with the two empty balls staring back. His mood changing immediately to an even more pissed off one. As if his son’s eyes were a deceleration of war. He wastes no time taking the notebook where he wrote the souvenir list on before walking away.
“ Fine boy, you won’t get anything then. I sure hope you're pleased with your little show.’’
Just like that, he leave the living room and head to his work area. Leaving all of his sons behind. The large and luxurious room is now filled with the uneasiness and disappointment of his brothers. Haru carefully takes Dazai’s hand to escort him back to his room as his father is puts his notebook on top of his desk. Dazai’s done it. He fucked it up. He hated himself for it. Why couldn't he just tell him yes. Why couldn't he just talk. Now they are gonna know what he is for sure. He needs to make things right. But his father leaves tomorrow. He needs to do something and fast.
—————
When night comes around, he discreetly makes his way to his fathers work desk. Numerous files on political matters and organized crime can be found littered across the room. The room itself is only illuminated by the desk lamp in front of Dazai. He doesn't even realize what he was doing himself until he had a pen in his hand. What was he going to write? What should he write? His father seemed fond of the idea to buy him a book or a lion mask. He didn't need either of those thing but if he had to chose between the two, he would've picked the book. This isn't about him though, it’s about his father. In their conversation, his father implied that a lion mask was way more interesting than a book. Even if he isn't human, he still wants to make his father proud. He is a kid after all. That’s just what kids do. They do whatever they need to please their parents. So he lifts his ball-pointed pen and writes two small words at the very bottom of the list. “Lion Mask’’. The words stare back at him, as if they themselves were disappointed to have been born from such hands. Hands that couldn't even feel. Just like their owner.
Dazai leaves as quick as he came. Swiftly and rapidly. He prompted himself on his bed, and closed his eyes.
After waking up the next morning, his father was already gone. Without even a warning or a goodbye. Dazai could've easily catch him while he was preparing his depart this morning, but he didn’t. Even if it would've been a cute moment, it isn't how an eight year old should act. It would also admit to everyone that Dazai was a light sleeper. In fact, he is such a light sleeper that it basically doesn't count as sleep. He is conscious for pretty much the whole night. So it’s more like he closes his eyes for ten hours. It never bothered him. He didn't even know it wasn't normal because he never got the chance to analyze someone while they were sleeping. And so, this information averted him.
Light starts pouring in his room, illuminating all of the shiny surfaces. Giving life to a more vivid atmosphere as the the colours of his room shifts from dark to saturated. Dazai is so out of place in this environment. He feels it too, so he doesn't waste any time leaving his room to enter the long, beige coloured corridor that connects each bedrooms together...
—————
“ Tane, you won’t believe this, did you know little Shuji snuck in my room last week in order to write his gift idea on my notepad? He is such a stupid kid, how cute! ’’
Joy and playfulness was written all over the face of Dazai’s father when he came back from his trip. Clearly, Dazai’s shenanigan made up for the bitter interaction he had with his father. The man in front of him was all smile and talk. He definitely didn't foresee what his wife said next.
“ Can we get rid of him?..’’
His mother said this with a completely unfazed look on her face. It made both her husband and Haru flinch. Her words invited a bewildered expression to everybody in the room, except for Dazai. That’s because he knew what caused the sudden switch in his mom’s perspective towards him. The reason, quite frankly, was himself. In the early morning of the day his father departed from the house, Dazai made a baseless error. While making his way to the kitchen, he stopped in front of the master bedroom. It was common for their mother to not join the family breakfast. She was, in fact, very sick, both figuratively and literally. It kinda made her children wonder why she even bothered having so many kids knowing how utterly irritated they made her feel. That day, after disappointing his father, he wanted to do something to redeem himself, whatever that thing may be. And so with plates in hand, he grasped the door and began opening it.
———
As an eight years old, he had yet to learn the meaning of privacy. All of the fundamentals of the word didn't make sense to him. Soon enough, he found out. His button eyes meeting the ones of his mom. She wore an expression impossible to describe with words. Don't worry dear readers, I’ll try my best! Her eyes were gleaming like she was on the edge of tears. Although that may appear to be a sign of sadness, it was, without any question, the contrary. She darted holes into Dazai as if she was trying to kill him with her eyes. Her brows were furrowing like arrows pointing at each other. Her mouth.. well her mouth was currently occupied, but if it wouldn't have been, she would’ve surely yelled until her lungs exploded. Dazai stood there, astonished, frozen by the sudden demeanour of his mother. He didn't know what the scene presented before him was. He had no idea what they were doing with their face intertwining. All he knew was that he wasn't supposed to see that. Not only because of the non inviting atmosphere, but the way his mother looked at him like he was some kind of putrid rat that just infiltrated their house made his skin crawl. The only wish Dazai had at that moment was to rip his eyes out of their sockets and give them to his mother as an apology. He did something wrong, he needed to own up to his mistake. That’s something both the servants and his family kept telling him at a very young age. Own up when you do something bad. Today, when his mother exclaimed her wish, was his day of punishment. Or should I say his first day of punishment.
———
Even parents as terrible as Dazai’s wouldn't abandon one of their own without a reason. His mother, like you can guess, was in no way planning to reveal her chain of thought regarding her decision. She just looked straight into her husband’s eyes with a serious expression as if to say “ You think I'm kidding? ’’.
Thank the heavens because their staring contest was abruptly cut short by Haru. He placed both of his hands on his mom’s shoulder with a lightness to his touch, like he was scared of breaking the small sanity that was left in the woman by a simple sign of affection.
“ Hey, isn't it early for you to be out of bed? I think you should go back to sleep for a bit so that your medication can kick in. ’’
His mother’s mouth started to open but it was just as quickly shut. Without even a second to herself, she was escorted back to her room by her eldest. She wasn't able to fight back the sudden gesture because she was all skin and bones. She had not a force in her body strong enough to go against the manhandling she was victim of at that moment.
—————
No one in the family spoke on this incident again, even years later. It became some sort of horrid scene engrained in the mind of the household. Like a constant reminder in the back of their mind that they are nothing but a lie. A lie that is hold together by frail stings that can break within the blink of an eye. Such string broke and left Dazai in a deeper world of terror four years ago. Time cannot erase the mistake we do, over these four years, Dazai became well acquainted with that fact. There was a change of behaviour in their house. Everybody was on their toes, trying to act their best in fear of getting the same treatment as Dazai. It seemed impossible to have a deader house then theirs, and yet they even surpassed themselves. At this point, they were all but husks walking around an empty mansion. None dared talking to Dazai, no one except Haru. It would be like conspiring with the enemy, if caught, you would receive the capital punishment.
And so, Haru would discreetly makes his way to Dazai’s room while everyone was either too occupied or asleep. Of course, Dazai began to expect the visits of his older brother and prepared as the good host he is. Always putting on a big smile with open arms. It started off as painful, having to pretend while suffering in silent. But soon enough, while he would never admit it himself, he was kinda looking forward to see his brother. “pretending’’ became easier when around Haru. He made Dazai’s life more pleasant. Of course this couldn't last forever. I think we all know how his story is supposed to end. His mother, being the absolute worst, greatly contributed to boot start his unwanted tendencies. After the whole incident, she became obsessed with figuring out how to get rib of her youngest son. Nearly nobody was home most of the time, not just because of school but also because of friends and other social events. Being sick and close to death’s door made it impossible for her to go out. Being the youngest and getting homeschooled also reduced the chances of going outside. And so they were, most of the time, alone in the house together. It opened up a lot of doors for his mother. She came to the conclusion that she would have to get her hands dirty in order to get rid of Dazai. Either get him killed, or make him leave the house. So began the endless torment of a child by the hands of their mother. It wasn't like Dazai was planning on telling someone what he saw that morning. After all, he was still under the impression that all of this was justified. He made a mistake and needed to pay. Just a simple mistake. But his life needed to be perfect and so there wasn't any space for error.
Every now and then, his mother would invite herself in his room. Nobody was there to hear the screams of terror that came out of the boys mouth. Well, I wouldn't call it screams, more like muffle huffs. It’s hard to yell when you are being strangled. Even if he could, he wouldn't scream. His mother specifically asked him not to, he wouldn't want to disappoint her even more. It’s surprising that she had enough force to strangle Dazai, then again, he was nearly was thin as her, so there was zero resistance coming from him. The scenery is quite gruesome to watch. On one side, you have the beautifully lit up room, equipped with a number of books all lined up on a bookshelf situated at the far left side of the room. Close to the window was a big work table, a well drawn lion mask was the only thing on it. There were about three pots, all with a different kind of flower in it. Lavender, sunflower and Jonquil. It was quite hard on the heart to look at them. They were already withering the moment they stepped foot in Dazai’s room , although they were perfectly fine before that. Now, they were even worse to look at, as if simply being in the present of Dazai made them die. Woah, it might actually be true, Dazai truly makes everyone around him miserable. Thats what Dazai thought when his eyes met one of the flower pot as his back brutally hit the wall. It’s hard to think when there’s a hand grasping at your throat. His airway were closing on themselves. The simple grip of his mother’s hand made him want to throw up. It burned, all he wanted to do was close his eyes, it didn't matter if they would stay close for the rest of his life because he was tired, really tired. Atlas, his mother doesn't appreciate it when he suddenly decides to take a nap in the middle of his beating. He learned that very early on when he woke up to a fist in the face. Yet another error that he would make sure would not happen again.
Even if he wasn't human, Dazai did not like pain. This though, this was a necessary evil. Seeing the grin on his mother’s face and her eyes glittering with anger, it made him smile. There was something hurting in his chest. Not because he was suffocating to death. It hurt more and more. It’s like he's under a spell cause, at that moment, he can’t help but smile. Ever so sudden as his chuckles are strangled away. He can’t even begin to understand himself. It was like he was melancholy happy that his suffering was able to bring a little bit of satisfaction to his mother. That his life was able to do something. How ironic. He wanted to burst out laughing. He, someone who wasn't even human, was able to make surface the craziest of emotions in others. In a sense, he was proud of himself. Maybe that was all just the lack of oxygen talking though. As all of this unfolded, a single petal of lavender fell to the ground, oh well!
—————
“Hey, I’m back! How’s my little Dazai doing while I was gone? Woah man, I can see what you weren't doing, that’s plant abuse you know, they deserve some love too!’’
Haru, sneakily made his way into Dazai’s room. He eagerly greeted his brother with those word. A smile spreading from ear to ear as he did. Haru was the kind of person to lift others with his dad-humour. That’s something Dazai appreciated about him, he always tried his best to make other smile. Even though his effort weren't enough for a lost cause like him, it was still greatly welcomed.
“ I still don't understand why you call me Dazai.. My name is Shuji’’
Dazai truly didn't understand it, and neither do I. He would always ask the same question when his brother used that nickname.
“It’s because I love you so much that I want you all to myself! I am the only one who can love the oh so great Dazai!’’
A terrifying grin spreads across his face. He is glistening with enthusiasm as he ushers his next words.
“ You know, now that I think about it, you’re kinda missing a first name.. what will it be then little Shujiko? I’Il let you choose this time, but don't say something stupid or i’ll choose for you, trust me, you wont like what I have in mind.’’
A first name? How is he suppose to choose a first name! He can’t even decide when to get out of bed, now he needs to choose an identity?? He looks straight in his brother’s eyes. He was expecting for him to be staring back but his gaze was set on something else in his room. His books. No longer human huh? He never put two and two together but it was in fact a present from his brother. The day his brother gave it to him he said:
———
“It was a mandatory reading in my lit class, its not really for someone your age so don't tell paps. I just couldn't bring myself to not give it to you! The main character, Yozo, is basically you..’’
“Hey, promise me you'll never become like him alright? Study this book, I'm sure you’ll learn a lot about yourself and about the world.’’
He had a smile on his face pained with sadness. It left a bittersweet taste in his mouth. He had read the book more than once and listened to the advice of his brother. He could see the resemblance he shared with Yozo. Heck, they were, in fact, basically the same person, but he would never admit that. Even so, he couldn't figure for the life of him what he could possibly learn about himself with the help of this book. He read it so many times that he knew it by heart. Maybe it was hidden deeper, maybe he couldn't understand simply because he wasn't ready to understand yet. An idea popped in Dazai’s mind. Of course, this was what his brother wanted him to answer, how dumb can he be.
———
“Osamu. Osamu is a good first name, no?’’
His brother’s eyes snap back to reality when he heard this. He flashed an even bigger grind than before, which, quite frankly, seemed impossible.
“Hah, I knew you would say that! You know, you lucky you chose that name because personally, I would've called you mackerel for the rest of eternity. Not to be mean little guy but your eyes kinda reminds me of a dead fish.. At least you don't smell the part!’’
As Haru was laughing his ass off of his own joke, Dazai couldn't help but smile. A small smile, but still, with Dazai, it’s either that or nothing. His chest was tightening. This day, he decided that it was a good pain. He liked the way it made his body warmer and his head lighter. For this brief moment, he started to reconsider his last statement. Maybe, just maybe, he could make people happy. Ah, but this delusion would come crashing down the very next day to the dismay of both his brother and himself.
—————
“ Shuji, boy, you ought to explain what you were doing with Haru last night!’’
His mother was, no other way to put it, utterly furious. She was boiling with rage as she presented her complain to Dazai on her next weekly visit. He had never felt so awkward in his own room. At that exact moment, the only wish he had was to disappear. To turn completely invisible right in front of his mother’s eyes. Surely, such a sight would quell all the worries, fear and anger that had pilled up inside of her. His throat was closing up and his eyes began to sting. Why? His mother wasn't even touching him, so why did his chest hurt so much. He wanted to put an end to it, to this sensation, whatever it was.
“Oh. Boy forgot how to speak? You really are asking for it!’’
He was asking for it. This beating was well deserved in his eyes. He did something wrong, again. And so he prepared mentally for what was going to happen next. He imagined himself lying on the ground while his nail dug themselves on the wooden floor. Leaving scratches as his body laid limply against the touch of his mother. Helplessly trying to catch his breath while feeling the pulse of his heart inside his head. He was ever so slightly shaking against his bed frame. But his mother never took a step forward. In fact, she started to back up. Oh. Fuck. The realization came to Dazai that very moment. It was already too late. He truly regretted everything he ever did. This is all his fault. Now..
“Fine then, I’ll go see what I can get out of your brother. Don't think I won’t be coming back for you later.’’
With that, she left Dazai’s room. He didn't say anything. He was frozen in his bed. All he could manage to do was stare at his doorframe. He didn't realize how much time he spent doing that until he was brought back into reality by a smooth swish coming from inside his room. All of his flowers had snapped and were now completely on the ground. Huh. They really were a lost cost.
—————
When his mother came back in his room, he, quite frankly, didn't care. He would take everything she threw at him. To be honest, he needed it. Needed to feel like he paid for what he did to his brother. He truly did make everyone miserable. How ironic. If only it wasn't a human reflex to breathe, he would've stopped without a second thought against the hand grasping at his throat. He had never felt so empty before. So empty that the emptiness itself filled to the brim. Like if the hollow feeling he had for so long solidified inside of him and became an added weight. When his mother left, all he could do was sleep. He was so tired..
In the back of his mind, there was a small wish that he wouldn't need to open his eyes ever again.
—————
“Hey, little buddy, you there? Hey, don't worry, it’s just me!’’
Who would've thought that he would wake up to the gentle voice of his brother. When his vision came back to him, he was greeted, yet again, by the smile of his brother. It differed from his normal smile, mirroring his expression from four years ago in the bathroom. Tainted with worry and compassion paired up with eyes glistening from unshed tears. This sight made Dazai’s eyes burn and his face distort in a sort of pitiful grin. He wanted to respond to his brother but nothing would come out. He couldn't muster the courage to do anything. Just as his mouth began to open, he saw it. He saw the red marks on his brothers neck, the crescent moon shaped imprint in his palms, The red stains under his nose evident of blood. What he saw was all of which he made. He made his brother like this. This is his fault. How could he ever be forgiven.
“Little guy.. com’here.’’
Arms open like a pair of wings. They were quite inviting. Maybe Haru was an angel because he was truly the most beautiful thing Dazai had seen in his life. At that moment, if non humans could cry, he would. This was too much for him, he didn't deserve a brother like him. Even with all his injuries, Haru managed to look like the shiniest light Dazai had ever come across. After everything he did, his brother was still there. How can he possibly accept someone so pure in his life and contaminate them until nothing but their shadow remains. Dazai didn't want to ruin someone like Haru just because he was selfish and wanted him around. At that moment though, he couldn't help but be greedy. He plunged himself in his brothers arm and mimicked the movements of his brother. Awkwardly lacing his arms around his Haru’s torso, gently posing his head on their left shoulder. He felt like he had been stabbed in the heart, it was difficult to breathe. Even so, he couldn't help but squeeze his brother more.
“I’m so sorry you have to live through this. I promise I’ll stay with you, no matter what.’’
His brother placed his arms on Dazai’s shoulder-arm to push him back. Haru’s eyes meeting his. There was still traces of concern in his eyes, now though, they were more serious than anything.
“ You know you can talk to me, right?’’
Dazai was going to speak, but nothing came out.
“...’’
A painful smile came from Haru’s face. It was full of fear and sympathy. Putting one of his hand on the top of Dazai’s head in order to ruffle his hair.
“You don't need to tell me anything! Just know I'm there for you. Now go sleep, you like tired as hell kiddo.’’
With that, Haru left the room, left Dazai in the darkness of his own mind. After everything that happened today, he couldn't manage to sleep. That fine, he doesn't need to anyway. He had important things to think about. Things that would change the course of his life..
—————
December 14th
Dazai is walking around the mansion searching for something, anything. His eyes are tracing every room, every walls and every cabinets. It felt like it took him forever to finally find a good candidate. On the floor was a big tub of windshield washer fluid. You don't usually need to use this but atlas, Japan is a cold country in winter. Washing the glass of a car with water would simply freeze it. There is little left but it would suffice.
Dazai’s mouth meets the rim of the bottle. Without a second thought, he starts drinking the liquid. The chemical taste was burning his throat. All he wanted was to spit it out but it would defeat the purpose of his action. His stomach felt like it was twisting onto itself, probably in an attempt to digest whatever he was drinking. It didn't take long for Dazai to empty the bottle. A wave of dizziness hit him when he raised back up to his feet. He traced to the nearest bathroom, which was a feat because he began to lose his vision half way through. His breathing became irregular. Right when he lowered himself in front of the toilet, he passed out.