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Levi was used to seeing the light on in Hange’s room late at night. She slept only marginally more than he did, so it was normal. Even the cooing was normal to some degree, she did treat her Titans like her babies and making strange sounds while going over her notes was common. What was uncommon was the flustered gurgle in response. Levi knocked on the door, now curious.
“Come in,” Hange said. Levi opened the door. Hange was cradling a small baby in her arms. Their cheeks were flushed and they were so very thin. Hange looked up at him with tired eyes and a small smile.
“Historia asked me to look after this guy. He’s not doing so good. I gave him medicine and food. His fever is going down slowly but surely,” she said. Levi came over and put his cool hand on his forehead. The baby whimpered and Levi’s heart felt like it twisted a bit.
“Did you give him a bath?” he asked.
“First thing I did. We both took a bath,” she said.
“Clean clothes?”
“Bought them myself.”
“Soft bed?”
“A make shift cradle, over there,” she said. There was one set up next to her bed. “Moblit and Jean put it together. Jean’s mother gave us a blanket for him.”
Levi sighed. “You look tired.”
“Well, looking after a sick baby is tiring. It’s a lot more draining than torturing Titans. I want him to live. He’s why I do all those things. I want his life to be better,” she said. She blinked her eyes rapidly. Levi held out his arms.
“Let me hold him, you go to sleep,” he said.
“He’s my responsibility,” Hange said.
“I’m used to sleeping upright in a chair. I’ll stay here, and you can sleep. If we need you we’ll wake you up.”
She reluctantly handed him over. “I’ll be awake in an hour to check his temperature.”
“Whatever,” Levi said. The little boy looked up at him with bleary, dark eyes. Had he been healthier he might have wailed and fought his way out of Levi’s arms, instead, only a few tears got out and there was a quiet groan in protest. He ran his finger along the baby’s soft cheeks.
“You’re okay. I’m not going to do anything to you,” Levi said.
The baby seemed to understand and closed his eyes. Hange was watching him, her own dark eyes catching the light of the candle, a slight twinkle in them.
“You’re a natural. It’s like you’ve had dealings with children before,” she said.
“Maybe,” he said. He was a hardened criminal, who was somehow always trailed by children who knew and trusted him. He’d let them all down.
Hange turned over on her side.
“Have you thought about having kids after?” she said.
“I’d have to have a wife to do that,” he said.
“Or just a person with a vagina and a working uterus. Or you could adopt. Then you don’t need anyone.”
Levi didn’t answer. On the one hand, he actually really liked children. On the other hand...the memory of a girl with red hair flashed across his mind.
“Who needs a broken person like me to be their father,” he said.
Hange grimaced. She didn’t deny that he was a shell of a man.
“I’d like to think your experiences might make you a more understanding father,” she said. “But you know yourself better than I ever would.”
Levi was going to say something, but her eyes closed. He let her sleep. Whatever she dreamed of, he hoped it was pleasant. But she woke up in an hour as promised to check the baby’s temperature.
“He’s doing better,” she said with a warm smile. The baby had fallen asleep during the hour Hange slept. “His fever hasn’t broken entirely, but it’s gone way down. Maybe being near you has calmed him enough to really rest and recover. I think I just make children antsy.”
“Children need someone energetic and cheerful,” Levi said.
“Then why do they prefer you?” she said with a smirk. He laughed a bit.
“Let’s put him in his cradle,” he said. He gently laid the boy down. He didn’t react to being in a bed rather than a person’s arms. He unclenched his fists a bit and sighed. Levi put the blanket over him and rubbed his little belly.
“We’ll check on you again,” he said softly.
“In another hour,” she said. She looked at her watch.
“I’ll wake you up,” Levi said as he sat in the chair. She held out her hand.
“Get over here,” she said. His eyes widened. She waved her hand. “Come on, I don’t want to be alone.”
“I’m right here, he’s right there. You’re not alone,” Levi said.
She whined and started wiggling her fingers. “No, relax with me.”
“I might fall asleep,” he said.
“You won’t,” she said.
Levi didn’t move. Instead, Hange grabbed her blanket, got out of bed and sat on his lap. Levi pulled the blanket around them.
“You’re heavy,” he said. She giggled and rested her head on his shoulder.
“I know.”
His hands clamped around the arms of the chair for a few minutes. Hange fell asleep quickly. She was tired, he could tell. As she snored, just slightly, he carefully put his arms around her. He didn’t deserve this. Not even the shadow of what was domestic life should be his. He knew he deserved to die violently, in the middle of nowhere all alone. But he was weak. His resolve to be alone and die alone was tested as Hange put her arms around him, as he felt her heart beat sync up with his own, as her forehead pressed against his neck. His resolve to die for humanity at the slightest command was tested every time she was near. He knew this and hated his weakness as much as he loved it (loved her).
In an hour, he woke her up. She groggily stumbled over to the cradle, took the baby’s temperature and smiled when she read the thermometer.
“He’s still stuffy and a little wheezy, but the fever’s broke. I’ll sleep for another two hours and check on him then,” she said. She took a handkerchief and wiped his nose kissed his forehead. She gripped the edge of the cradle, the way he gripped the arms of the chair.
“He’s a sweet little guy,” she said. “He’s so curious. Even, when he was sick, he kept grabbing my hair and putting it in his mouth. He took the medicine without hesitation, just to know what it tasted like. It was foul, but he still tried it. He made the cutest little face and he fussed like you do.”
“I don’t fuss,” Levi said.
Hange laughed. “You do so fuss. All the time.”
Levi came over with the blanket and wrapped it around her shoulders. Her hands fell from the cradle. He picked her up and sat on her bed. He’d surrendered in the end. They were on the bed, Hange’s end goal. She shifted and moved the blanket so they were both covered. He held her close. She was hurting for a reason he could only guess at and he hurt because there was nothing he could do to help. He couldn’t give her what he didn’t deserve, not if she wanted him to be a part of it. He couldn’t be a part of her new life. He couldn’t be anything to her. So...
Why did she want him?
He knew she did. It was in the way she squeezed him. It was in the way she—
“Kiss me,” she said. Levi looked down at her and she wouldn’t meet his eyes.
“I don’t want tongues or anything. Just a kiss. Just a little one,” she said.
That didn’t mean anything. But he’d be lying if he said he didn’t want it. He’d be lying if he said that it didn’t fill him with dread. He held her chin and her face was red. He should have ignored her, he should have resisted. He didn’t. Their lips touched, briefly. Too briefly. He stole another, and another. Hange did not stop him. He found the restraint to stop.
“I’m sorry,” Levi said. Hange said nothing and kissed his cheek.
“Thank you,” she whispered. “And...Levi, can we kiss again sometime?”
He should have said no. But why should he deny her just because of his own punishment? He wanted to stroke her cheek, but he kept his arms around her.
“Do you want to be kissed again?” he asked.
“I’m asking, aren’t I?” she said.
He paused. Now or never.
“Yes,” he said. “I won’t be against it.”
It wasn’t love. He wouldn’t believe it. But there was certainly a comfort in kissing her and perhaps she felt something similar. He chose not to read into the way she pressed closer to him, and the way her eye lashes fluttered against his neck.
“You should kiss me awake then,” she said. He wanted to say no, but she fell asleep quickly. He was jealous at how easily she slept. He rubbed her shoulder. Maybe...
If all the Titans were gone.
If he didn’t die violently (as he should).
Then maybe, but only just maybe, they’d have something like this again.