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It was nighttime. Everyone was in bed, sleeping— and if they weren’t sleeping, they were at least staring at the ceiling contemplating their existence.
Everyone was glad they were finally getting some peace and quiet. Some rest after the last day (that was definitely not just one day in the real world.) Everyone was resting— and happy there was no one breathing down their necks for once.
Everyone but Jax.
Why Jax? You may ask. He does have a sort of reputation for not caring, or just being an ^&&*!#, so I can’t blame you for thinking he’d be the last one to stay up way too late having an existential crisis.
However, he was doing just that. He had changed into his pajamas already, taken off his mask, and gotten in bed, but he couldn’t rest. Usually he had no problem falling asleep. Recently, he had been having this reoccurring dream about himself in the real world. He’s young. He didn’t have much time to live in the real world. That’s a story for another time, however.
He was having emotions he couldn’t quite comprehend. He didn’t feel guilty— he never could considering the kind of person he is— but he did feel a bit like he was lying to himself.
He always thought he liked it when people were mad at him for his pranks. After all, getting a reaction is what he aims for. But maybe… maybe he just wanted attention?
He was starting to think his pranks were a subconscious cry for help. Which would make sense, but no. No, he’s Jax. He doesn’t need help.
He didn’t really know who he was anymore. No one did, he told himself, you’re not special.
He needed to snap out of it. He could abstract if he thought too hard. He didn’t like to think anyways.
He gets out of bed, and slips his mask on. He doesn’t like his fake face much.
Some things stayed the same as in the real world. He remembers some things, like his vitiligo stayed, his almost nonexistent nails and dark hair, too. But looking in the mirror, he still saw someone he knew wasn’t himself.
He wasn’t this tall in the real world. He doesn’t know how he knows that, but he does. His face looked straight out of a TV show. His eyes were weirdly vibrant. He almost looked… drawn. He hated it. He wore the mask because of this.
He decided to clear his mind.
He opened the door to his room, not caring about how loud he’s being. If anyone wakes up, it’s their fault.
He didn’t know exactly where he was planning on going, but he eventually ended up at the Digital Lake.
“Maybe I could drown myself. Maybe that way, I’d abstract faster.” He joked out loud to himself. He didn’t know someone was listening.
“I’d prefer if you didn’t” The person said. Jax could recognize her voice anywhere.
“Raggs?”
“Mhm” She hummed, “Why are you out here?”
”I could ask you the same thing.” He responded, turning to face her, her blue pajamas and bright purple crutches contrasting with her red hair in the best way possible. Ragatha laughed, “You got me there.” She paused, “I couldn’t sleep”
”I couldn’t either” Jax shrugged. He did want to be alone, but he figured if he was going to have company, he would rather it be her than anyone else. He tried to be nonchalant about it.
“You’re not usually one to have those kinds of issues.. is something wrong?” Damn you, Ragatha, for being so observant.
“I would rather not talk about it.” Jax stated. His voice wavered despite his strong attempt to sound firm.
“Are you sure? I could try to help-“
”it’s none of your business, Dollface” he didn’t mean to snap at her, it just sort of came out. He never would admit it though.
”okay.. well, I’m going to the bridge.” She takes a few steps before Jax starts to follow her. “Why?” He asks.
”I go there almost every night. I find my room unsettling, at least out here I’m not in a confined space.”
Jax simply nodded.
She went to the very center of the bridge, right above the middle of the Lake, set her crutches on the ground and slowly lowered herself to a sitting position, leaning on the railing. Jax resisted the urge to push her into the water.
He felt too out of place to sit next to her, so he just stood a few feet away. Another thing he didn’t like about his digital ‘form’ was that because his character was a rabbit, he had rabbit-like tendencies. For example, stomping. Rabbits stomp when they are scared, angry, or distressed.
“I can tell you’re not okay,” Ragatha mumbled, never facing in Jax’s direction, but instead leaning her head on the railing and looking into the lake.
“What do you mean by that?”
“Something’s bothering you. You don’t have to tell me, but what is it?”
Jax sighed. He figured it wouldn’t hurt to tell Ragatha.
“I’m lying to myself.” He says simply. Ragatha looks at him, puzzled. “Lying to yourself? How?”
“I think I’m crying for help, but I don’t think it’s for the right reasons.”
Ragatha pats the ground next to her, motioning for Jax to sit down. He does this time.
“Like, Pomni for example. She wants to get out of here because she can’t be stuck here. For her, not being able to remember her real body again, her real family, even her real name is the scariest thing possible. All she wants is to leave.”
”yea, that sums her up pretty well” Ragatha laughs. “So, why are you so bent out of shape?”
”We’ve been here for years, Raggs. My goal has altered. I don’t think I want to escape anymore. I think all I really want is to look like myself again. What I remember from my real life isn’t great. I don’t want to go back to it. But, looking in the mirror… I wear this mask for a reason.”
”I was wondering why you had it on in the middle of the night…” Ragatha whispered.
“It’s just, whenever I have these thoughts, my brain tells me other people have it worse, and that I’m not special. Pomni has it worse than me, Kinger has it worse than me, heck, even you have it way worse than me even though you try to never show it! All I’m saying is, maybe it’d be better to just abstract and get this over with.”
”Oh, Jax, please don’t say that.”
”Why? It’s true”
”We all have it rough, Jax. Don’t force yourself to think you have it better than everyone else.”
”You know why I chose the name Jax?” The question caused Ragatha to pause. “No, I’d never thought of it…” She said.
“Well, it took me a bit to come up with it. The day after I came here, I had a dream in which someone called me a name that sounded like Jax… I don’t know if it really was or not, but it was the first name that came to mind when I thought about it, so I went with it. I’ve had that dream almost every night now.”
Ragatha didn’t know how to respond, so she didn’t. She had never seen this side of Jax before, and frankly, it was a bit odd.
A few moments passed, then Jax decided to speak up, “I just think I need someone to bring me to my senses. To tell me I’m not funny. To tell me that they actually, really hate me. It’s not what I want to hear though.”
”What do you want to hear?” Ragatha asked.
“That I’m real.”
Time stopped for a moment. Ragatha turned to face Jax completely.
“Real?”
“Stupid, isn’t it?” Jax laughed bitterly, tears stung at his eyes.
“No, it’s not stupid at all!” Ragatha reassured him, “I totally get that! It can be hard not remembering everything and thinking your reality is slipping away, but we have each other, right?”
”I guess..” Jax chokes.
“Jax, look at me,” Ragatha cups his face in her hands and gently held his face in front of hers, “You aren’t alone”
”I know..” Jax mumbles.
“Jax,” she paused for a response.
“Yea?” He asked, slowly letting tears fall from his face, they started to get soaked up by the mask.
“You are real. And no, you’re really not that funny, but I don’t hate you. Yes, everyone thinks you’re annoying, but if you abstracted, I know at least three people here that would miss you. Me being one of them. But most importantly, we will find a way out of here someday, and whether you want to leave or not, I will be by your side, okay?”
Jax nodded. Ragatha pulled him into a hug and let him cry into her shoulder, slowly pulling his mask off his face and laying it next to her crutches.
He fell asleep in her arms.