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It began in a hushed voice, murmured, as if testing the waters. Never more than once. Inej thought she always imagined it. She never paid it much attention at first. If he meant it to be heard by her, he would say it to her more directly, she dared hope.
The little "love you"s became more and more frequent. She didn't know what to do with them. It was sweet, really, but so unlike Kaz. He was changing, sure, trying to be better for her. But he always said it like it escaped him, like he didn't mean for these words to take form in the silence. Like he regretted them each time. Inej ignored it. It hurt, but the Bastard of the Barrel was never known to be kind, even to her.
They spent as much time as they could together. They were still busy, Inej with her mission at sea, Kaz with the infamous city that Ketterdam was. But when they were taking a break, finally, they couldn't be separated. Kaz, with all his great speeches about how letting people get close was a weakness, sure was particularly clingy when he wanted. He wouldn't say he was desperate to be near her, but it worried him less when she was where he could keep an eye on her. Soon, she would set sail on her ship again, and he wouldn't be able to see her. So he made the most of it whenever she came back to him.
Without armour, she once said to him. And while it was hard, it was becoming easier with time. He made some great efforts to open up to Inej, of course, but also with his crows. His friends. The first time he patted Jesper's shoulder once, without gloves that he started wearing less and less around them, he had a smile so big that Kaz couldn't help but smile back softly. He was feeling loved, he was letting himself be loved, and he was letting himself love as well. The love he had for his friends wasn't a weakness. It was his strength, his way to know he'd never be alone anymore, his way to know he could trust some people again. The love he had for Inej made him feel all that, and even more, too. He really felt like a king this time. But who was a king if he couldn't rule by his queen's side ?
Kaz always missed Inej. It was inevitable, and he was feeling that way even when she was here with him. He never felt as lovesick as he was at this time, and that's how confessions were spilling out of his mouth easily, lately. He was mad at himself for this. Inej deserved something grand and amazing, not three little words that were escaping him in mundane moments. He didn't know if she actually heard him, everytime. She never mentioned it, and he was glad for it. Maybe, after all this time on her ship, she was losing her Wraith's touch. He hoped it wasn't this. He needed to keep an eye on her while she was in Ketterdam. She would not like the extra protection all the time, but maybe she would not mind it too much if she didn't know he was doing it. It would need discretion. But it was okay. Kaz could do discretion easily.
She couldn't make a step on the streets without Kaz following her. It was sweet, but also a little unnerving. Before, he always had business, and he actually never attended the things she invited him to. Now, he was always glued to her side, as if she would disappear into thin air the second he was losing her from his sight. This, combined with the little confessions that were more and more present in their lives, were making her feel confused, she didn't know what to do anymore. Kaz Brekker has always been unpredictable, but this was another kind of his personality. She knew he liked being near her when he could, and honestly, she could not blame him for that, since she liked it too. Loved it, even. But the confessions were a new torture she didn't know how to react to. Ignoring them was nearly impossible now, with how frequent they were. And she really did not want to ignore them, as well. But Kaz always seemed so afraid that she did not know what to do. So she waited, as she always did. Waited, until he was ready to face his fears, and really tell her.
But it was never a good time for it. There was always work, distraction, people around them. And there was always this anxiety clinging to him, making him unsure of everything. What if she didn't want to hear it from him ? What if she didn't like him like that ? What if she wasn't ready ? What if she left and never came back after seeing him so weak and vulnerable ? Reasonably, he knew she wasn't like that. But the Bastard of the Barrel was scared. Inej was the only one who was capable of making him feel such things. And now he was pacing in his office, a habit he picked up recently, so he could get rid of all these thoughts. Walking around, without his cane, limping hard because of the strain he was inflicting in his bad leg, eyes fixated on the floor, hands clasped behind his back, going in circles again, and again, and again. By doing so, he nearly missed the moment Inej entered the room, by the window, as silent as ever. He only stopped in his tracks when he heard her voice.
"Kaz."
Desperate for a glimpse of her, he raised his gaze immediately to meet hers. Her face was firm, but a tint of worry escaped her eyes.
"Hello Inej."
She frowned, and Kaz did not understand what he did wrong. She usually loved it, when he said her name.
"Kaz, what's going on ?
-Whatever do you mean, my dear Inej ?"
She sighed, and walked to his desk. She sat on it, then looked at him pointedly until he got the message, and slowly came to her, then sat on his chair in front of her. He stretched out his bad leg, seemingly relieved to not put pressure on it anymore.
"This is ridiculous. Why would you even walk unnecessarily more ? You're hurting yourself, Kaz."
Not knowing what to reply, he only watched her unashamedly. She was right, of course, she usually was when it was about him. But he couldn't tell her the real reason for his idiocy, could he ?
After a moment, when Inej understood she would not have a reply from him, she sighed again, and lowered her gaze.
"Are we okay Kaz ?"
Her traits softened, and he cursed himself for letting her think something wasn't alright. They were okay. Damn it, Kaz was more than okay when she was by his side.
"Darling Inej, of course we are—
-Then why are you acting so strange ?"
Kaz maybe underestimated her when he thought she didn't notice a change in his behaviour. But she was the Wraith, glorious and smart Wraith, and she was worried about him. A vague of self-hatred flooded him. He was worrying her.
"Inej, I'm sorry—
-Sorry for what, exactly ? For caring about me ? For loving me ?"
She stared back at him, letting him see the tears that gathered uncontrollably in her eyes. This conversation would not end well. She will be hurt, again, Kaz will put his armour back on stronger than before, they will not understand each other anymore. She will leave Ketterdam crying, and she wouldn't be sure if she would come back (she knew she cared about him too much to leave forever. But thinking she won't come back is easier than admitting this). The frown Kaz wore announced nothing good. She averted her gaze, again. Emotions were not their strong suit, and Inej was sure it would be their demise. And today was the day. She couldn't see him anymore, but she heard him shuffling closer. She suddenly saw his palm in her field of vision, and, surprised, she looked up. He had a timid smile on his face, totally out of character for him, but then again he was being weird for weeks. But she trusted him. Saints, she trusted him. So she took his hand, slowly.
"I am sorry if I made you uncomfortable. I am sorry for acting weird. I am sorry for worrying you. I am sorry for so many things. But I will never, ever, be sorry for loving you. Because I do Inej, I love you so much. I love you more than words can describe. You saved me. You were always here for me. You called out any of my bullshit, you always trusted me, you were always by my side, even at my worst. And I am trying, so hard, to be worthy of every thing you give me. I am trying to be better, for you. And I tried to tell you this so many times, but it never felt right. It was never worthy of you. You deserve the most grandiose and romantic confession, not the words of a cripple coming only after you rightfully doubted my loyalty to you. Not the tiny I love yous that kept coming out of my mouth because I couldn't help it every time I was seeing you. You deserve so much more than this, than me. But you don't deserve to be worried about me, you don't deserve to have tears in those pretty eyes of yours because of me. You deserve to know you're loved, so here I am. I love you, Inej. I love—"
Oh.
Inej couldn't help it anymore. She was enlacing him, so hard it might hurt. But he did not mind. He did not mind, because he was in love with her, and she did not explicitly reject him yet, and she was in his arms clutching him as if he might flee, but he would not move, could not move, did not want to move. The waters weren't bothering him, and while he was still worried about what she might have to say, he also was so happy. The last barrier of his armour had fallen. Well, maybe not the last, but it was a great step. And Inej, sweet Inej, was not letting go of him. She was there, and she was not letting go. Her arms tightened even harder when she started speaking.
"Do not call yourself a cripple anymore. I hate when you do that.
-But it's—
-No buts. You are Kaz Brekker, one of the strongest men I know. And you are so much worthy of me. And even if you think you're not what I deserve, I don't care, because it's you that I want."
She loosened her embrace, and backed away a little, to look at him in the eyes.
"It's you that I want, and I love you, Kaz."
The reaction he had would be engraved in her mind for the rest of her life. His mouth falling open, his face betraying every feeling that coursed through him, tears nearly rolling down his cheeks, his gaze full of love and disbelief that she might feel the same way. She smiled softly. Slowly, she raised her hand, and hovered it next to his skin. He just closed his eyes and nodded slightly to show his approval, then her fingers were on his cheek. They started caressing it, and he shivered, not quite used to the sensation. But it felt good, so good. A tiny sigh escaped him before he could restrain it, and Inej let out a laugh. Upon hearing his favourite sound, his eyes suddenly popped open to watch her. He could never get enough of this, of her. He needed to tell her, tell her again and again, until she got sick of it. But she wouldn't, he knew that, so he would tell her for all eternity.
"I love you. Inej, I love you."
The smile on her face was the brightest in the world, and he wondered if it would ever blind him. He hoped not. He loved watching her.
"I know darling. I love you too."
It was never quite easy, for them, but now it was as if it had never been hard at all. It was natural, like it was made for them to express it. Deep down, they both knew. It had always been Inej. It had always been Kaz. It had always been Kaz and Inej.
"I love you Inej."
He nearly sounded desperate. She giggled, then took his hand delicately in hers again, holding it reverently, feeling his knuckles with her fingers first, then placing a kiss on them.
"I love you Kaz."