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The waiting was the worst part. Standing outside Kasugayama, umbrella clutched tightly in his hands, waiting for the beam of light from a familiar motorbike to whisk him away.
He felt like a child again, except back then the rain could beat down upon his back hours. Morning, afternoon, he could be left waiting at his school, with nothing to do, and no company but his own loneliness. All he could do was stare flowers in the garden, which he would stare at and admire, wondering if they had a name.
The worst of part of all was the tightness around his chest, which made his binder feel like a vice.
Sardonically, he thought, perhaps it was almost fitting, feeling often that he was trapped beneath his own skin. He tried to discreetly adjust it, fearful eyes glancing over his shoulder, always fearing to be exposed.
Some days none of it can hurt him, and on others he felt it suffocating him.
Tatsuya showed up, because of course he did. Jun sighed and reminded himself that just because his mother had treated him a certain way didn’t mean the whole world would. He knew that logically, he knew that.
And yet...
Tatsuya slightly moved up his visor and instantly saw Jun’s tense body language through the curtain of rain. He hopped off his bike and approached him silently, completely undeterred by the rain drenching his uniform. As soon as he was under the umbrella he took of his helmet and looked intensely into Jun's eyes, trying to figure out the source of his hurt.
Jun himself didn’t know why, but he felt like he was nothing but his frayed nerves. Not wanting to burden Tatsuya with a problem he could not ease, he tried to give a reassuring smile.
Of course Tatsuya saw right through it, because they always saw through each other. But he did not interrogate him; instead, he shrugged off his backpack and pulled out a gift.
It was a motorbike helmet, black as obsidian with a gold trim around the visor. He was taken aback by how unexpected and thoughtful such a gift, then he saw Tatsuya’s helmet.
Red. Red and black, just like when they children. He felt like crying, partly out of joy, partly out of some sadness he couldn’t place.
He put on the helmet before Tatsuya could see past the joy.
Tatsuya was smiling, and took the umbrella for Jun like a true gentleman, and holding his hand as they went to his bike.
***
The world was meant to be a cut and dry place. Jun knew that well enough. Girls liked boys and feminine things; boys liked girls and masculine things. The world was meant to be ordered neatly, with everything and everyone fitting into one little box or the other.
Jun liked boys, flowers, and wearing dresses, so it should’ve been simple, and yet…
There was a heavy tight feeling in his chest. Once he was too young to put a name to his pain though, and he’d ask someone, anyone for help, but he wasn’t quite sure who to go to, or how to even say it.
He hugged Tatsuya closely on the bike remembering. The group had thought he was a boy when they met him, and he knew, by all rights, he should’ve corrected them, but he didn’t.
Jun knew he shouldn’t search for a reason why it would all suddenly bother him one day out of nowhere. He should’ve been used to it, the delirious highs of being seen as a boy, cut down with the fear and paranoia of being found out, of feeling fake, of feeling like he was nothing but missing pieces.
As stopped at a red light, Tatsuya looked back for the briefest of moments, Jun just making out his eyes through his dark visor. He gave his chin a tender tap before turning back to face the road, ready to go in a split second.
There were times Jun hated how much Tatsuya could see through him. If anyone could destroy him so thoroughly and completely, it would be him.
“I like boys!” he had confessed as a child, a catch in his throat, his eyes streaming with his tears, and on his knees like he were in the house of God. The joyful sounds of their playing had died so quickly, leaving young Tatsuya to stare in shock. He raced over to him without a seconds more hesitation to wrap his arms around Jun, hugging him as closely as he could before he gave some of the most reassuring words Jun would ever hear,
“Me too.” Jun had felt so alone for so along, and suddenly, suddenly he knew someone just like him. He felt so afraid of confessing all the complex emotions in his young brain that he could barely put words to. Yet at the same time, he felt like he should tell Tatsuya everything, and he did.
“I was born a girl but I’m a boy,” it came out in a rush, and he stared up at Tausya, shaking and weeping.
He wasn’t sure why he’d told Tatsuya that. Maybe he wanted to be hated because he was so unused to the idea of being loved.
Tatsuya seemed somewhat taken aback for a second, but then nodded sternly, and echoed Jun’s words,
“You’re a boy,” and helped him wipe away the tears and stand on his own two feet.
The whole scene kept repeating in his head, and only made him feel worse. What did he do for Tatsuya that could compare to what he did for him?
***
When they pulled up at Clair de Lune Jun couldn’t help but stare. Tatsuya pulled out the umbrella so Jun could take his helmet off without getting his hair wet and asked,
“We’re in wet school uniforms, how are we going to get in?” Tatsuya smiled and assured him,
“I booked a private booth, they won’t care.” Jun couldn’t help but wonder what else Tatsuya had planned for the two of them. As they entered the restaurant though and shown to their booth with judging eyes by the staff, Jun got his answer.
On the table was with a bright red rose, something he hadn’t seen on any of the other tables.
“I grew it myself, for you,” he spoke those words so plainly, like it was such an obvious thing to do. Jun grabbed the rose with a shaking hand and took a long drawn out whiff of it, never having smelled a flower with such a beautiful perfume before.
Tatsuya reached out to touch his hand but Jun pulled it away and asked,
“Why are you doing this?” Tatsuya answered him tenderly,
“Because I know you’ve been feeling down lately.” Jun rubbed his eyes and returned the rose to the vase. He wasn’t sure what to say, he couldn’t lie, there was no use for pretense around Tatsuya, there never was.
He was saved by the approach of the waiter, but quickly turned away so that stranger wouldn’t see him so vulnerable. Jun caught a glimpse of the man though, tall and toned, handsome face made even more so with a bit of stubble.
As Tatsuya ordered for the two of them Jun could see it, Tatsuya was just a bit attracted to the waiter. The two of them were not unreasonable to each other, they allowed the other to feel and express attraction for other people, even discussing it with each other sometimes, it was harmless after all.
But with the way he felt, Tatsuya’s attraction to such a masculine looking man made his skin feel all the more tighter. As soon as the waiter was out of ear shot Jun looked to Tatsuya who was taken aback by how distraught Jun looked. Jun took a deep breath and knew he may as well ask the question burning on the tip of his tongue,
“Am I manly enough for you? Because I know, I know you prefer men and I’m…” he couldn’t even finish speaking. Tatsuya was taken aback for a second, but just like when they were kids, reassured him quickly,
“You are a man, and you’re perfect the way you are.” Jun wiped away his tears, and Tatsuya reached out to touch his hand again, this time not drawing away. As Tatsuya rested his other hand on Jun’s face and wiped away the tears gently with his finger tips, Jun couldn’t help but say,
“I wish I did for you what you do for me.”
“You do,” Tatsuya replied immediately, and was sure to elaborate, “All those days I’ve been sick and you’ve taken care of me, all those days I’ve been miserable and you were the only person who could cheer me up, and all those days where I simply got to spend time with you,” it was some of the most Jun had ever heard Tatsuya speak in one go. Tatsuya immediately looked exhausted and out of breath after talking so much, but he smiled knowing it was worth it, and looked at Jun like he was staring into the face of God.
Unable to speak further he used his lips to communicate his feelings in a different way, leaning forward to give Jun a long tender kiss.
They spent the rest of their time in silence, though it was not awkward in the slightest. The two of them enjoyed the tranquility, the chance to simply enjoy each other’s company through all their other senses. Jun didn’t feel like all his trouble had been cured, all his anxieties immediately fixed and all his insecurities wiped away. He did however feel loved, more loved than he had ever been in his life. Perhaps that was enough.