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Felix holds the invite to the fashion show in his hands, biting his lip as he debates between throwing it in the bin and acting like he never saw it, or tucking it safely into his jacket pocket, ready to present to security when he gets to the event.
He can hear Chan in the other room speaking softly to the girls while Bluey plays on the tv. It would be so easy just to throw the invitation away, change back into his sweats, and join his family, but he made the commitment to go. Backing out of an appearance at one of the most talked about shows of the season would be unprofessional. He wants to go back to work soon, and he needs to keep his connections in the industry strong.
He tucks the invitation into his chest pocket.
Chan is on the floor when Felix enters the lounge, chin resting in his cupped hands as he lays on his stomach. He looks totally and utterly enamored as he just stares at the twins, who are resting on their boppies and trying to eat their toes and toys.
Rose breaks into a happy, gummy, little smile when she spots him, kicking her little feet happily. Lily notices him too, choosing to continue to eat her toes instead of paying him any attention. Felix is thankful. If Lily had smiled at him too, he would have dropped straight to his knees.
“I’m going to head out soon.”
Chan sits up and pulls himself into a sitting position. He smiles at Felix, his face always looking so much softer without any make up. He’s stopped wearing his beanies so much, so his healthy, lovely, curls, flop a little into his eyes. “You look amazing, baby.”
Chan’s affection brings a much needed smile to Felix’s face. “You say that about everything I wear.”
Chan continues to smile at him, the enamored look he had for the girls now passed onto Felix. “Because it’s true. Right, girls?”
The twins don’t answer. Chan frowns, pouting. “They’re a little moody right now.”
Worry tugs at Felix’s heart. His girls aren’t moody. They’re two little flowers made of pure sunshine. “Are they not feeling well?” He reaches out, but stops himself. If he holds them he’s never going to leave.
But if his girls are sick . . .
Louis Vuitton will just have to understand that he’s a mother now. His kids always come first.
“They’re perfectly fine,” Chan says. He doesn’t sound worried. If the girls were sick, he would have told Felix by now.
“Oh,” Felix says meekly. “Okay.”
“Baby?” Now Chan sounds worried. “You okay?”
A minute ago Felix was okay, but right now he feels decidedly not okay. He feels anxious, worried, guilty. He shouldn’t be leaving his four month old twins at home to go look at tacky, outdated, ugly, clothes and mingle with the rich and famous. He should be here, on the floor, with them. He should be taking care of this girls. That’s what mothers are supposed to do.
“I’m fine,” he lies, forcing his happy little PR smile.
It’s a rookie mistake, because Chan has always been able to see right through that fake smile. “You’re not fine.” He frowns, stepping into Felix’s space. “What’s wrong?”
Admitting that he doesn’t want to leave his babies for just one night sounds incredibly stupid and also super insulting to Chan. Chan is an attentive and caring father. He’s as present as he can be while juggling twins, fatherhood, and his own job that he loves so much. He’s put off so many collaborations with legendary artists that could have furthered his career just so that he could be at home helping Felix with the girls. He knows them, he loves them, he can change a diaper with one hand while he rocks a baby to sleep with the other. Being nervous and worried about leaving the girls all alone with Chan feels a lot like Felix is slapping him in the face.
Lying to Chan again would be stupid. “We’ve never been apart before.” He looks at the girls, feeling like he might crumble. “I’m just a little anxious.”
Chan doesn’t take that as an insult. Instead his face softens. “Honestly? I’m a little nervous about being all alone with them myself.” He shrugs nervously, rubbing the back of his head. “Usually you’re here, or Minho, or someone else in the family, but . . . ”
Felix feels relief that he’s not the only one feeling anxious. Maybe it’s too early. Maybe they’re both not ready for this. “But?”
“The girls and I had a talk today while you were getting ready,” Chan says, cooing down at the babies. Both girls smile and then laugh when Chan pulls a face. When they laugh their eyes smile, looking just like Chan.
Felix can’t help but feel a little bit betrayed. He carried the girls for nine months, went through a thirty-six hour long labor, and they had the nerve to come out looking exactly like their father. They have his nose, his eyes, his pretty curls. The girls look so much like him that Felix doesn’t even think that he was in the room when they were conceived.
“A talk?” Felix resists the overwhelming urge to get down on the floor. If he gets down he’ll never manage to get back up and go to the show.
“We talked about being kind to each other. This is my first time alone with them by myself, and this is their first time ever away from you. We have to understand that it’s going to be hard for all three of us, but we can do it, can’t we, darlings?”
Lily babbles at Chan, lifting her arms and dropping them excitedly at the attention while Rose brings her fist to her mouth and smiles. Chan must take that as agreeing, because he smiles so big and bright and warm at them before he turns his attention back to Felix. “Go to the event, baby. We’ll miss you so much but we’ll be okay without you.”
Felix hesitates, but he shouldn’t. Chan is right. The girls will be okay without him.
But he doesn’t feel like he’s going to be okay without them. There hasn’t been a single moment in time that they’ve been apart since the girls took root in his womb. What if he misses an important milestone? The girls are so used to nursing, what if they decide they don’t want to take a bottle and starve? What if Chan trips and falls and knocks himself out?
There are too many ifs that make Felix want to stay.
“Baby.” Chan cups his face. He rubs his thumbs back and forth across Felix’s cheeks. “You can do this. We can do this.”
“Chris . . . ”
“You’ve been looking forward to this for weeks. It’s good for you to get out of the house without the babies. We have the cameras, remember? You can always spy on us when you miss us. If the girls gang up on me, I can always call Minho. We might never get the babies back, but he’s always willing to come over and help.”
Felix takes a deep breath. He has been looking forward to this event for weeks. He’s barely left the house in the past four months, and never without the girls. It’s not healthy for them to constantly be together. He needs his alone time. And Minho absolutely adores the girls to the point that Felix does worry sometimes that he might (lovingly) kidnap their daughters. He would come over to help Chan, no matter what time of night.
He can do this. They can do this. “I’m only staying for the show, not the afterparty. I want you to text me if anything happens, okay? Even if one of them takes a nasty shit. I need to know.”
Chan giggles and kisses him. “I promise. You’ll know the second Lily shits all over herself and me.”
Felix laughs, feeling less anxious and more ready. “I’m going to go now before I change my mind. I love you. If I say goodbye to the girls I will crack, so tell them that I love them, please.”
Chan gives his face a reassuring squeeze and another kiss. “I’ll tell the girls that you love them all night long. I love you, too. Go, have fun.”
It’s hard to pull away and not look at the twins, but Felix manages it. Not for the first time, he thanks God that Chan has such broad shoulders; they block the view of his girls who are babbling happily to themselves, none the wiser to his exit.
The car is waiting for him outside. Felix climbs in, buckles his seatbelt, and asks the driver to leave as soon as possible before he can change his mind.
- - -
Felix struggles to enjoy the show, not that it isn’t spectacular. There’s so many famous people around him, wearing the latest clothes and pretty jewelry. Some of his work colleagues are here with all the hot tea and gossip about what’s been happening while he’s been on maternity leave, but it’s hard to concentrate.
He feels anxious, overly guilty. He tries to keep a happy face and think about other things, but no matter how hard he tries, his mind drifts back to Chan, to their home, to his tiny little babies who have never been away from him.
He could check the cameras, but that feels a lot like spying, like he doesn’t trust Chan even though Chan encouraged him to look.
He takes his seat with his invite in hand. He tries to look pretty, to smile, because he knows that there are cameras on him, but he can’t help but to take quick, anxious, breaths and fidget with the invitation. Thankfully the lights are dim, hiding the wetness in his eyes.
The girls are probably screaming their lungs out for him. They probably haven’t taken their bottles, too used to nursing and the warmth of his body to want to feed from a cold, sterile bottle. Chan is probably overwhelmed and at his breaking point.
Minho will come if Chan needs help. Minho will be there. He would hear the girls screaming over the phone and Chan’s desperate pleas and come racing over.
But Minho isn’t him. The girls love their uncle, but he isn’t him.
They probably think that he’s never coming back. They must be so scared and confused. Chan is there, so they know that they’re safe, but his bond with them is different than Felix’s. He carried them in his womb, felt every little kick, every hit. They’re connected in a way that Chan just doesn’t understand.
His girls need him.
The show is an anxious blur. Felix doesn’t remember a single outfit. When the last model exits the runway, he doesn’t wait for Nicholas to come and take a bow. Despite the abruptness and rudeness, he gets up, tripping over someone’s foot and not bothering to apologize as he races for the exit.
He’s rude when he demands that his car be brought around. It makes him feel sick. He’s never rude, but he’s anxious and desperate and just wants to be home.
The drive doesn’t seem to go fast enough. He’s already been rude once, so he shuts up and lets the driver drive, checking his phone constantly for any message from Chan. He promised to text if anything happened, but Felix’s phone is silent.
He nearly brains himself on the hardwood floor when he lets himself into their dark, quiet, house.
No babies are crying. The tv is on low, playing the news. Upstairs he can hear the sound machine making white noise. It doesn’t make him feel any better. They’re dead. They’re all dead. Chan tripped and fell when he was holding the girls and hit his head on the side of the changing table and accidentally suffocated the babies under his body.
Felix scrambles up the stairs and around the corner. He throws open the nursery door, expecting to see blood and his poor, sweet, babies accidentally crushed under the weight of their poor, loving, dead father’s body.
Chan is sitting on the floor, his face squished uncomfortably against Lily’s crib as he snores. Lily is on her back, sleeping soundly.
In her crib, Rose babbles. She has a tiny foot in her hand. When she sees Felix, she babbles excitedly, flinging her arms to get his attention.
Felix sobs, feeling incredibly stupid.
Of course they’re okay.
They’ve been okay.
He carefully steps around Chan to lift Rose out of her crib. “Hi Rosie baby.” He sniffles, wiping his eyes as he cradles her. “Were you kind to papa?”
Rose reaches for his jacket, fisting the material in her tiny hand. “Did you even miss me at all?”
Rose smiles, making a soft little noise. Felix takes that as a yes. How could she not miss him? “Did papa fall asleep putting Lily down and forget all about you?” Rose babbles again, reaching for his face.
Chan doesn’t fall asleep easily, so the twins must have gone a few rounds with him in the ring. There’s no sign of Minho, so maybe they didn’t bully him too bad.
“You’re not supposed to be awake right now, little lady,” Felix says quietly, putting her back in her crib on her back. His heart aches, wanting to hold her longer, but she needs to sleep and it’s late. “Go to sleep. I’ll be here when you wake up.” Gently, with a hand on her stomach, he rocks her back and forth, singing softly to her until her eyes finally close. He waits a moment, just to make sure, but when he’s sure that she’s really asleep, he turns his attention to Chan.
He's snoring like a lion, drooling all over himself. His neck is going to hurt so bad come morning. Felix crouches down in front of him, a hand on his shoulder to shake him awake. “Chris,” he says quietly, careful not to wake the babies. “Chris.”
Chan startles awake. “Shit!”
Felix bites his lip, trying not to laugh. “Hi.”
“Shit,” Chan repeats, quieter. “I fell asleep.”
“You did,” Felix agrees.
Chan looks around, checking the twins. When he sees that they’re still safe in their cribs and sound asleep, he smiles. “Hi baby.”
Felix smiles. Chan’s hair is an absolute mess. “Hi.”
“You’re home early.” Chan continues to smile, loopy and lovely. “How was the show?”
“Let’s go to bed.” Felix changes the subject. He feels stupid at being so anxious. Stupid for not completely trusting Chan. Of course everything was fine. Of course the girls weren’t screaming their lungs out for him. Chan was around. They were safe.
Chan doesn’t look like he wants to drop the subject, but he does. They leave the nursey and head to their bedroom, where they both strip out of their clothes. Felix puts on his sweats and shirt, while Chan crawls into bed naked.
When Felix shuffles under the covers, Chan wraps an arm around his waist, pulling him closer. “So what man did you seduce with your charm this time?”
Felix doesn’t want to answer. He doesn’t remember who he spoke to. The anxiety had kept him from concentrating.
He doesn’t want to admit that to Chan. It’s stupid. He was so anxious about leaving the twins and they probably didn’t even notice that he was gone. He sniffles, trying to hide his sob, but Chan is too close.
“They didn’t shit all over me, that’s why I didn’t text you. It took them a little bit to realize that you weren’t there, but once they did, they cried for a straight hour. I almost called Minho, but I kept telling them that you loved them and that you would be back soon. We watched a best of Lee Felix compilation on YouTube and they calmed down.”
Felix laughs, incredulous. He wipes his nose on the back of his hand, feeling some relief that the girls did notice that he was gone “A what?”
“A best of Lee Felix compilation from our Stray Kids days. You know, your very finest moments. Yogurt is a fruit. The confusion over a spork. The random boiled egg.”
Felix elbows Chan in the stomach. “You’re so mean to me.”
“The girls loved seeing your face and hearing your voice. It calmed them right down. We struggled a little when it came to taking their bottles. I had to squirt the milk into their mouths, but they finally got it. I think we were all tired by bath time.”
Felix turns over. Chan is smiling at him. He kisses Felix’s nose.
“I was too anxious to watch the show,” Felix admits. “I just kept thinking about you and the girls and how I was a bad mom for leaving them. I just wanted to be at home with you.”
Chan’s face softens. “You’re not a bad mom for taking a night to yourself.”
“I know. It’s stupid. But I felt guilty. About leaving them and making it seem like I doubted you. Of course they were okay without me. I wasn’t leaving them with a babysitter. I was leaving them with their dad, for fuck’s sake. I ran out of the show. Everyone saw. I don’t think I’ll be invited back again.”
The loss of a modeling deal with Louis Vuitton doesn’t upset Felix as much as it should. There are other fashion houses. Hyunjin has been trying to steal him away to work with Versace. Jeongin has Alexander McQueen in his pocket. He’ll be okay.
“Of course they’ll invite you back,” Chan says. “They love you. Text Nicholas and explain what happened. He’ll understand. You can even blame it on me. ‘Sorry, my dumb, stupid, husband doesn’t know how take care of our children so I had to leave in a rush.’”
Felix frowns. “I would never do that. I don’t want anyone to ever think that you’re a bad dad. You’re an amazing dad.” He takes a deep breath, letting it out through his nose. “I think maybe I’m not ready to go back to work, not yet.”
“That’s okay, baby.” Chan reaches out, tucking some of Felix’s hair behind his ear. “It’s okay if you want to take some more time with the girls. It’s whatever you want to do.”
Felix wants to cry over how lucky he is. He has two beautiful children. A loving, dedicated, husband. He has it all. “I love you.”
Chan grins. “I love you too.”
Felix rolls back over, tucking Chan’s hand over his stomach where it belongs. Chan stuffs his face into his hair, sniffing. Felix sighs contently.
Another four months, he thinks, and closes his eyes.