Work Text:
[NEWSCASTER RAMIREZ (remember her? from the Ch2S7 trailer? yeah it's okay, neither does epic) is reporting live from DUSTY DIVOT in the vicinity of the TIME MACHINE ROCKET, with the countdown displayed above it. AGENT JONES stands nervously nearby.]
NEWSCASTER RAMIREZ: Hi, I'm Newscaster Ramirez here for 22 News, the Island's only- and thus best- news station with the latest installment of Weekend Update. I'm here with disgraced ex-Imagined Order agent John Jones in Dusty Divot to report on today's live event. Jones, with little over an hour to the event after the largest month in island history, what's the situation here?
AGENT JONES: Well, Ramirez, in anticipation of a big crowd today, we've been reapplying the duct tape holding the servers together and have the water bottle toy on hand for any fires that may occur. Myself and my three coworkers will be on hand in case of emergency, and we have robust communication channels available for announcing any updates during the event.
NEWCASTER RAMIREZ: And what would those be, for our viewers at home?
AGENT JONES: It's pretty much just the dead bird app that's blocked off to non-users, but fortunately those updates get mirrored on the forum that pioneered cryptocurrency as community points in a failed experiment.
NEWSCASTER RAMIREZ: Wonderful. We've been hearing from loopers both old and new that they're excited for today's event. We even have them onsite to share their thoughts. First is a true OG: Lynx from the Season 7 battle pass.
[LYNX appears in her default style.]
NEWSCASTER RAMIREZ: Lynx, what are you looking forward to most today?
LYNX: Oh, probably lore. I mean, the cube's hovering over the zero point, the meteor's hanging over Dusty, and Doctor Slone's been whispering sweet nothings into tape recordings all over the island. Surely, there will be plot today and not just a rerun of an event I watched back in 2019.
AGENT JONES: [Laughs awkwardly.] Hahaha yeah, count on it.
[He does the FINGER GUNS emote at her as she leaves the screen.]
NEWSCASTER RAMIREZ: Next is a new looper eager to share her thoughts.
[RENEGADE LYNX in the TIME BREAKER style runs into the frame and hangs onto AGENT JONES' arm, much to his dismay.]
RENEGADE LYNX: Hi, Agent Jones! This is my first live event and I'm super excited to see it!
AGENT JONES: That's great to hear.
RENEGADE LYNX: Sure is! Even though I'm new to the island, I'm looking forward to exploring the next map and every map after that and playing Fortnite for as long as I live! In fact, I've already subscribed to Fortnite Crew, and asked my parents for as many vbuck as their disposable income is capable of providing to me for Christmas!
AGENT JONES: [Peeling her fingers off of him one by one.] Again, the accounting department is glad to hear it, kiddo. [His phone rings.] Oh sorry, I gotta take this. [He checks the screen and chuckles.] Man of the hour himself is calling. [He answers the phone.] Hello Marshall Never More. Excited for the main event? [His face falls as he listens.] You're stuck in a queue, huh? [Pause.] Well, maybe we can try again at 5. [Pause.] It's how long? [His eyes widen.] Holy fu-
[The screen freezes and is shortly replaced by the THERE WAS AN ERROR message. Upon returning to the title screen, the queue time is revealed to be over an hour. Once the countdown reaches zero, THERE WAS AN ERROR reappears. This repeats several times before the fed returns to NEWSCASTER RAMIREZ at DUSTY DIVOT.]
NEWSCASTER RAMIREZ: Sorry about those technical difficulties, but we're back with breaking news. With reports of loopers all over the island stuck in login queues, many of our viewers are likely wondering if they'll ever get a chance to see the event. [Laughs.] First time? I kid, I kid. Or am I? Anyway, here to comment once again is Major Outage himself, the disgraced ex-Imagined Order agent, John Jones.
[AGENT JONES enters the frame, surrounded by flames. He does not look happy.]
NEWSCASTER RAMIREZ: So what's with the fire?
AGENT JONES: That's my "This Is Fine" emote. It's stuck to me. Three guesses as to why and the first two don't count.
NEWSCASTER RAMIREZ: Agent Jones, can you give an ETA on when things will be back up and running?
AGENT JONES: Well Ramirez, all I can say is that we are aware of the problem and are working on it.
NEWSCASTER RAMIREZ: So for those of us in the login queue, should we keep waiting, or try again later?
AGENT JONES: Yes.
NEWSCASTER RAMIREZ: That doesn't answer the question.
AGENT JONES: Sure it does. Both options have the same result: more login queues.
NEWSCASTER RAMIREZ: So are these additional showings of the event happening, or is that just a fucking lie?
AGENT JONES: Look, I don't see what the big deal is. You wanted OG Fortnite back, you got OG Fortnite back. Remember the Unvaulting? The Device? The only reason Operation Skyfire went off without a hitch is because of how many of you abandoned ship once the pandemic was over. So I travel back in time to give you all what you want, the full OG experience, and suddenly I'm the bad guy? Yeah okay.
NEWSCASTER RAMIREZ: Are there any plans to compensate loopers for the mishandling of this event?
AGENT JONES: Yeah we're planning on gifting everyone a weapon wrap. It's decorated with giant middle fingers.
NEWSCASTER RAMIREZ: Splendid. More at 11 after a word from our sponsors.
[The LEGO logo fills the screen, and after a moment, shots of various playsets are shown.]
ANNOUNCER: The world of LEGO is pleased to announce Fortnite sets coming soon! Collect all your favorite battle pass outfits that you didn't collect ingame because you weren't playing back then! Equip classic weapons that are about to be vaulted once again! Build your favorite POIs that are about to get removed from the map once again! Fortnite LEGO sets are the perfect gift for the loopers in your life! Warning: not available to those who play Zero Build.
[The feed returns to DUSTY DIVOT. AGENT JONES is drinking from a CHUG JUG which appears to be BOTTOMLESS despite mythics being so vaulted they haven't been invented yet. NEWSCASTER RAMIREZ watches with an emotion halfway between awe and disgust while she waits for him to finish. Finally, he does.]
NEWSCASTER RAMIREZ: You good there?
AGENT JONES: [After wiping his mouth.] Look, it's been a long day.
NEWSCASTER RAMIREZ: [Deadpan.] Tell me about it. Any updates, champ?
AGENT JONES: All right, we paid Amazon the entirety of the profits for next season's Crew subscriptions for more AWS servers, got the real Slim Shady to stand up, and now we're back in business. This is your last shot to see the event, and we're even giving you the opportunity for a few more rounds on your favorite map in the meantime.
LYNX: [From offscreen.] This isn't my favorite map.
AGENT JONES: [Scowling.] WELL IT'S THE BEST YOU'VE GOT for the next twenty minutes at least. You know you're gonna miss this place when it's gone. Again.
NEWSCASTER RAMIREZ: [Sadly.] Yeah I know. [Steeling herself.] So are we good now?
AGENT JONES: Yeah totally. We got the Big Bang here allll ready for you and your squad. Just select the playlist once it's available after we've disabled all the other modes, which should be about half an hour before the event, an-
NEWSCASTER RAMIREZ: [While checking her phone.] Annnnnnd it's gone.
AGENT JONES: [After several seconds of silence.] Seriously? Motherfu-
NEWSCASTER RAMIREZ: Well, I think I speak for all of us when I say that, truly, this has been the Chapter Fortnite OG, Season Fortnite OG Big Bang event. Signing off from Salty Springs-
AGENT JONES: This isn't Salty Springs.
NEWSCASTER RAMIREZ: It is now. I'm Newscaster Ramirez for 22 News, and this has been Weekend Update.
[Cue DOWNTIME and hordes of angry SOCIAL MEDIA COMMENTS.]
Agent Jones stood anxiously nearby as Newscaster Ramirez watched the event on Youtube. After the video finished, he asked her what she thought. "Well," she said, "at least we finally know what those three random blank billboards by ramshackle house number 9 just to the west of Fatal Fields were for. These advertisements."
Agent Jones nodded with excitement. "How's that for foreshadowing? Great planning, right?"
"It was ass, Jones," Newscaster Ramirez said. "You brought all the loopers back to 2018 and speedran seasons 5 through X for this?"
"Was it still better than Fracture?" Agent Jones could tell by how long Newscaster Ramirez was silent that he wasn't going to like the answer. "Look, at least it's not followed by two full days of downtime this time." He held up a minifig of Recruit Ramirez before she could voice any more complaints. "Plus, look how cute you look as a LEGO."
He offered it to her, and she took it, eyeing it with disdain until her face softened. "It is pretty cute," she admitted, wiggling its arm a few times. "Speaking of which, when am I gonna get to be in the plot?"
"What plot?" Agent Jones asked.
The end.