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There were days he hated to be alive. There were days he hated both the visible and invisible brand that was on him.
There were times he wished he could be rid of the shackles that bound him.
(They were not visible shackles, mind you. However, the weight was still the same.)
Okunawa, Shisun regretted his life sometimes.
Although looking back upon all of the events that stained as well as consecrated said life, there were times he couldn't come to an honest decision on whether he regretted it all or not.
He certainly regretted all the pain his Employers (and, he himself) caused the world. He regretted all of the events he was unable to put a stop to.
He regretted being powerless to keep people he cared about, as well as harmless innocents, out of the crossfire that waged him and his comrades against either AVALANCHE, or his own company, Shin-Ra.
Images and pictures of faces he'd come to know, and some now gone would flicker across his memories if he let himself get lost in his reveries.
But if there was something about his life he did not regret, it was shutting down Fuhito and putting an end to Zirconaide, as well as protecting the world from the Jade WEAPON.
As little of a role he played in the events that happened next, they still left a major impact on him.
Though he and the majority of his former comrades took upon themselves their own self-punishment in the form of exile, when Meteorfall began, it was without hesitation or thought that they all returned to Midgar to evacuate everyone.
It was but a small portion of their debt they paid back with that, as they watched the planet itself protect them all from Meteor--Shisun could not stop the tears that came to his eyes as he watched the green-white whorls of the Lifestream gather. Because from it, he could hear a familiar, gentle voice within it and he knew; he knew his friend was watching over them as he had once tried to watch over her.
In another form of regret, he regretted losing nearly three years of his life to a coma from the injuries he sustained in the Corel Reactor. Shears saved him... Yet another debt he owed that he could not repay. Not once, but twice. Because Shears was the one to weaken Fuhito enough for Shisun to take him down.
Shears' sacrifice to protect him and Elfe was something he had permanently carved into his heart and memory.
...He had come a long way from being the starry-eyed, childish new recruit he once was. Everything he had seen, and done... All the fights, the people he'd met, the friends he'd lost...
He still sometimes made the trek up the snowy, blizzard-y slopes to visit and pay his respects to Sebastian and Essai and the first time he had gone back, it had taken every effort of his accompanying partner to drag his near frozen carcass away because the guilt, the tears--they wouldn't stop flowing. He nearly froze, and for the first time since he'd joined Shin-Ra and the Turks, experienced a cold.
Even now, making the trip to visit made him feel the guilt all over again. The guilt over having not been strong enough to have saved either of the SOLDIERs, for putting Zack through what he did, and in the end, what he doomed Zack and Cloud to.
Cloud...
Although Cloud Strife lived, and all the events that followed after--Shisun could still hardly stand the guilt in himself.
The first time he'd come across Cloud since those days was in Junon. Sheer coincidence, as he'd been ready to return to Costa Del Sol, on his way to meet back up with his partner at the dock--although Kizu was more than that to him, now, but that wasn't important in his mind--and suddenly there was the sound of an engine, and infront of his eyes a lone bike came to a stop outside of the office he was standing in.
Although he rarely visited the Junon headquarters anymore, he still sometimes dropped by, long enough to say hello to whichever one of the three were there at the time (and on the very rare occasion, if the Chief or Tseng were there) and drop off his long-term report summary.
He found his breath catching and the emotions threatening to crush him as he watched the figure enter the building and though the man's eyes were hidden by their sunglasses, he could feel their gaze on him.
It had been years, literally, since he'd last caught even a glimpse of the other. And it all pretty much came down to his self-imposed exile. He caught glimpses here and there, as the time passed, either from recon as ordered by Tseng, or from coincidentally being in the same area as the man when he was making his delivery routes.
It wasn't that he was avoiding him on purpose, per se... But avoidance was still avoidance, and Shisun had figured the other would probably not be pleased with his presence anyway, so it was best he was unseen and all that.
But now he had no chance of avoiding or even hiding at this moment and truthfully, the small Turk felt bare. Uncomfortably so. And some part of him was wishing his partner would have one of his untimely habits of dropping in through the ceiling (whether on purpose or not was usually debatable but at this point, Shisun would take what he could get, however unlikely)--it would at least give him the cover to get away, as cowardly as it was.
But alas, the Goddess' Favor was not with him today and he could only continue to stand there, shuffling almost nervously side to side on his feet.
"Cloud..." He began, the slightest tremble there in his tone, his voice incredibly soft and quiet.
"It's you." Cloud returned, almost sounding surprised. "Where... Where have you been?"
"In exile," the small Turk responded, lifting his head up to gaze fully at the other. "Atoning the best I can to the World. Hiding in the Shadows, putting my skills to use in whatever way I can to help."
"..." Cloud stared long and hard at the Turk and Shisun had to use every inch of his self restraint to not start fidgeting under the direct stare.
"I see..." The other finally responded.
"It's...good to see you, Cloud." He murmured softly. "You look well."
Cloud let out a quiet sound almost like a snort and shook his head. "I get by." He responded.
"How's business?"
"There's always a stream of work, I guess it's going well."
"How's Tifa?"
"She's well, the Bar brings in plenty of customers."
"Good. That's good. I'm glad to hear that." Shisun responded with a slow smile.
"What about you?" Cloud asked.
"I'm well, just dropping off my report before I have to go meet Kizu. We're... Um." The blond shuffled a little awkwardly before raising his left hand to hold up his left hand and on his ring finger a plain gold band shone. "We're thinking of settling down soon." He answered.
Cloud stared at the ring before giving a nod of understanding. "Congratulations." He finally said after a moment's silence.
"Thanks." Shisun answered.
The silence that began between them was a little awkward and Shisun could feel his anxiety returning as he shifted. "...Cloud?" He inquired.
"Yeah?"
"...Listen. I'm... I can't ever take back the things that happened, but for what it's worth, I'm sorry." He apologized.
Cloud shook his head. "Forget it, it's in the past." He answered.
The Turk shook his head fiercely. "I know it is, but it will never take away the guilt I feel for the things I've done!" He cried.
"My hands are stained, I know that; I can't truly cleanse them, but still I... If there's anything I can ever do for you to make up any part of it..." His voice became quiet. "Please tell me."
"..." Cloud was silent, brows furrowing as a stormy look came to his eyes.
"I know it will never be enough," Shisun whispered, sighing before clearing his throat. "But to me, no matter what's happened, you're still my friend. I want to help in whatever way I can."
"...Come by the Bar sometime." Cloud finally spoke.
"What?" Shisun blinked.
"Bring Kizu, too. I'd...like to see you both. And... I might have a favor I need from you." Cloud said, nodding his head.
"...Alright." Shisun agreed.
"Here," Cloud held out the parcel that he'd been holding. "Give it to whichever one of the others is here, Reeve ordered it to be delivered here."
Shisun accepted the parcel from the other and gave a silent nod.
Turning, Cloud put his hand on the door, pausing. "Shisun."
"Yes?"
"...I forgive you." With those words, the blond exited the building, not looking back.
Heart beginning to hammer within the small Turk's chest, they felt the corners of their eyes begin to sting and his hands begin to tremble as the other's words sank in.
"Cloud..." He murmured, voice thick with his emotions. "...Thank you."
He slowly turned, bringing a hand up to wipe away the wetness that had formed in the corners of his eyes and straightened himself up before beginning to make his way further into the building.
Maybe he couldn't change or take back the things he did...
But knowing someone important to him forgave him lifted some of the huge burden he felt.
Flipping his PHS open he hit a speed-dial number and brought the phone up to his ear and listened as it rang.
"Yeah?" Came the voice on the other end.
"Hey, Kizu." Shisun greeted, a small smile rising to his face as he walked down the hall.
"What's up?"
"Let's take a trip to Edge soon, okay?"
"Why d'you wanna head there?"
"We were personally invited."
"By...?"
"Cloud."
"..."
There was a long pause.
"Alright, kiddo. Sounds good." Kizu answered.
"Thanks, got to go now. See you soon." Shisun replied before he flipped the phone down.
Smile widening, the Turk opened the door at the back of the hall and stepped in, giving a nod to Rude who was sitting at the desk and set the parcel down. "From Reeve." He informed softly, before turning and giving a small wave in response to the nod he received and left the way he came.
He glanced up towards the sky. "Can you hear me?" He asked softly aloud to the air.
"I'm trying." He informed. "I don't know what all I can do, but I'm trying. I hope you're watching over me."
Looking back ahead, the Turk began to make his way down the street, heading back towards the Docks.
A breeze began to gently blow, ruffling the blond's hair and with it, a soft, echoing voice seemed to carry along with it.
"Thank you."
-End-