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“Why didn’t Makoto cry before we boarded?”
“Eh?” Rin nearly banged the back of his head against the seat in front of him as his head lifted up to look at his fiancé.
“What’d you say, babe?”
He had been trying with great effort to shove his oversized, old and ragged travel backpack under the seat in front of him, since every jetlagged Australian onboard had been glaring daggers at him when he tried to cram it into the overhead compartment.
Their positions as gold medalists normally afforded them at least a comfortable first class seat in any given commercial airplane, but the cost of an international ticket between Tokyo and Sydney was a blatant highway robbery at this time of year, so the two were folding themselves in coach.
“I said,” Haru ripped his gaze away from where he had been watching the airport staff load the luggage into the back of the plane from outside the window.
“Why didn’t Makoto cry before we boarded?”
Rin was silent for a moment, his mouth working slightly. He looked a little winded by his fiancé’s question, having not expected it.
“Well…” The maroon-haired medalist paused for a moment. “Makoto isn’t that much of a crier, you know?”
Haru’s exhale was clipped as his eyes floated back out the window. “He’s cried over less. But now I’m moving away to another country, and he didn’t even sound close.”
Makoto had been so calm at their gate, his smile and his soft eyes the same as they always were when they were looking at Haru.
When he had hugged Makoto, it had been his own body that trembled with emotion, and Makoto’s firm embrace that stabilized him.
Sousuke, of all people, had tears pricking his melting teal eyes as he watched Rin disappear into the terminal at Haru’s side.
But Makoto had been waving calmly, gently, standing there shoulder-to-shoulder with Sousuke as though he wasn’t watching the one who had been by his side since infancy leave to live his life in another country.
Haru didn’t understand. What was different now? Was Makoto… happy to see him go?
Because he certainly wasn’t.
“Hey, don’t take it like that.” Rin’s hasty voice cut into Haru’s thoughts quickly, sitting up in his seat a little straighter.
“Makoto’s known our move was coming for over a year now. I’m sure he’s gotten his tears out before. You know he can’t stand making you upset.”
Haru’s eyes squinted through the window as though he were in physical pain. “Well,” he rasped. “That just makes me feel worse.”
Haru had spent the past year working up the nerve to sacrifice everything he knew to get the marriage he and Rin deserved. He would do so for their future, with no regrets.
But he didn’t have to be happy about it, and Rin knew that better than anyone. He hadn’t taken Haru’s decision lightly, and it always came with a degree of guilt on his part when they discussed it.
But Rin had nothing to be guilty for. He had no control over the law of their birth country, and neither did Haru.
All he could do was feel the cold bitterness at the unfairness of it all.
Rin bit his lip, instantly knowing he had misspoke. He reached his hand out to rub Haru’s arm.
“I’m sorry, Haru.” His tone was gentler. “I know how hard this day’s gotta be for you—I get it.”
He chuckled dryly, humorlessly. “I still feel fucking awful that I’m making you do this.”
Haru’s glazed eyes quickly turned to look back at Rin. “You didn’t make me do anything. I want us to be married.”
His arm lifted under Rin’s soft hand, lying down over it as his own gesture of comfort and assurance. “That’s why… I’m choosing to leave Japan forever with you.”
“Oi, don’t be so dramatic. Who said we’re leaving forever?” Rin snorted with exasperation. “We’re gonna see Makoto and the guys again in only four months for the wedding, aren’t we?”
But I can’t see him every day.
“Damn, Haru, you act like the plane is going to teleport into another dimension the moment we fly out into the ocean.”
It might as well be. Haru’s fingers clenched into Rin’s arm. That’s what it feels like.
“Listen, it’s okay to feel the way you do.” Rin’s fingers stroked Haru’s knuckles with his free hand, brushing over the aquamarine engagement ring on his finger.
“This is a huge change. When I was in your same spot, I cried like a baby on a plane just like this.”
“That’s different.” Haru mumbled under his breath, his sullen blue gaze once again drifting away to the window, to watch as the final luggage was loaded into the plane. “You were ten.”
Rin’s mouth opened to reply, but the couple only jumped in unison as the airline safety video began to blare loudly on the screens in front of both their seats.
Grumbling something under his breath, Rin pressed the mute button on both of their screens hard, knowing that both of them had flown this airline long enough to have the safety procedure memorized.
As his fiancé leaned back and tipped his baseball cap over his eyes, waiting impatiently for the video to finish, Haru kept his eyes on the muted screen.
He mindlessly focused on the video he had seen dozens of times before, if only to keep his mind off of the gravity of the change his life was about to endure, inching ever closer as the plane prepared to take off.
Once Haru felt the familiar bump as the plane began to move, he felt his heartbeat quicken unconsciously in a way it never had before, not even during his first time on a plane.
He hurriedly shot a glance at Rin, hoping he hadn’t noticed. Thankfully, he hadn’t seemed to, his eyes too focused as his fingers moved at lightning speed on his phone’s keyboard.
Rin was cramming in text messages he had completely forgotten to send to Miyako and Gou before their cell service disappeared, making sure they knew the pair had boarded safely.
“Here,” Rin clicked his tongue, holding his phone in front of his and Haru’s face. “For the in-laws.”
Haru forced a meek smile as Rin took the picture. He withdrew his phone and looked at the photo, chuckling sadly.
“You poor thing. You’re gonna make Mom think I kidnapped you.”
“Sorry…” Haru mumbled with a self-conscious frown.
“Don’t be. She knows this move’s gonna be rough on you. She’s always asking about you, you know.”
Haru smiled wryly, though genuinely, at the thought of his future mother-in-law. “I don’t want her to worry...”
“Well, no stopping that, I can tell you that for sure.” Rin chuckled.
Suddenly, Haru felt his stomach plummet unexpectedly as the plane lifted from the ground and went airborne. The feeling caused his heartbeat to race, and a stricken look crossed his eyes.
His hands moved on instinct to grasp a handful of his fiancé’s sleeve for support, and Rin’s face instantly darkened with concern.
“Whoa, whoa,” Rin sounded alarmed, his free arm draping over Haru’s shoulders to steady him. “It’s just liftoff, babe. You okay?”
“I...” Haru swallowed hard, his eyes darting over to the airplane window, now consumed by the endless blue of the sky.
“I-it’s nothing.” Haru forced his body to relax under Rin’s arm, exhaling softly.
“You’re sure?” Rin’s brow furrowed. “You’ve never been spooked by liftoff before.”
“It just… caught me off guard.” Haru closed his eyes with a deep sigh. “Don’t worry about me, Rin.”
Rin didn’t seem convinced, but knew better than to pry, at least for now. He relaxed in his seat, glancing out Haru’s window with a wistful look.
“Well… off we go.” His fiancé said softly. He squeezed Haru’s shoulder before sliding his arm off. Haru could feel the cold, expensive metal of Rin’s own engagement ring brush against the back of his neck. The feeling soothed him a little.
The couple remained in silence for a while, Haru gazing blankly out into the sight of Honshu growing tinier and tinier beneath them as the plane climbed in altitude.
Meanwhile, Rin was tapping and prodding at his screen, looking as annoyed as he did the last time by the airline’s abysmal movie selection.
“Who the fuck wants to watch Chicken Run?” Rin mumbled irritably, before tapping on the movie anyway after a moment of hesitation.
Rin and Haru spent the next hour and a half watching the animated movie, a cheap pair of airport earbuds shared between both of their right ears.
Haru wasn’t much interested in the stop-motion movie, but tried his best to focus on it anyway. Anything to take his mind off of the landmasses of Japan shrinking beneath them.
Once the movie was over, Haru could already tell Rin was fatigued by the way he was digging through the pockets of the travel backpack for his eye mask and neck pillow.
Haru watched him pull out several things from their bag, including a small purple bottle that he shook, showing it to his fiancé.
He recognized the bottle as melatonin tablets. “Want some?” Rin asked, flipping off the lid.
“I know it’s a little early, but the baby over there looks like it's close to a crying shitfit…” He added in a hushed voice, shooting an irritated glare at another couple a few seats away.
“I’m fine.” Haru’s voice was small and dismissive, too focused on the dizzying sight of more and more of Japan starting to disappear underneath them, replaced by endless swaths of the blue ocean.
“You sure? You seem kind of jittery.”
“I’m fine. I don’t need them.”
Rin sighed in hesitant defeat. Haru shifted himself in his seat a little, lifting the armrest and allowing Rin’s head and neck to snuggle up to his shoulder.
Haru let his head idly lean against Rin’s own. He hoped their closeness would soothe the dread in his heart, but his eyes couldn’t leave the view below him.
The talons of dread gripped tighter and tighter in his heart at the nightmarish view of everything he knew being replaced by the ocean more and more by the second.
Makoto… are you okay right now?
Are you thinking about me? I’m thinking about you.
Haru could barely see land anymore, only out of the corner of his eye. His next inhale came shakily, and his trembling hand came up to clench into his chest without even thinking.
My chest hurts. Makoto, you’re not crying, are you?
Haru narrowed his eyes, his expression pained by the tightness of his chest. Tears squeezed from his ducts, hanging onto his lower eyelashes and threatening to fall.
I don’t want you to secretly hate me for leaving.
Because I hate myself for it…
Haru’s chest suddenly spasmed, startling Rin out of his half-asleep state. His fiancé groaned breathily, dragging himself off of Haru’s chest and pulling the eye mask off.
“Oi, Haru, what’s with all the—huh?!”
Rin reacted instantly to the sight of Haru’s stricken face, his glittering eyes as fresh tears began to heavily stream down his cheeks, his shoulders and his chest trembling.
“Oi oi oi, what’s going on?!” Rin’s arms instantly flew forward, ripping his shaking fiancé into his chest, trying to sloppily rock him in a comforting motion.
His voice was hurried, frantic. It reminded Haru of the way Makoto’s always was when they were younger, when he would get flustered so easily.
“What the hell happened?! Haru, talk to me, what’s wrong?”
Haru nearly choked on his breaths, wallowing his tearful face needily into Rin’s neckline.
“I—I didn’t…” Haru hiccupped, his voice barely audible from the way his mouth was pressed to Rin’s skin so firmly.
“I-I didn’t want to leave Makoto, Rin…”
“Fuck,” The word hissed between Rin’s teeth frantically, his anxious suspicion that Haru was hiding the brunt of his anxiety over moving so far from Makoto confirmed.
“Hey, hey.” Haru heard his fiancé digging through his coat pockets, tugging out a tiny packet of tissues.
Ripping one free, Rin dropped the packet and lifted Haru’s face up off his neck, with one hand holding his chin and the other firmly wiping away his tears.
“You’re okay.” Rin gasped. “Listen to me, you’re gonna be okay. You’re both gonna be okay. You gotta believe that, okay? You gotta.”
Haru’s face didn’t stay dry for long as more and more tears took the place of the ones Rin dried, until not even the sodden tissue could withstand the onslaught of wetness from Haru’s face.
Cursing under his breath, Rin flung the drenched tissue indiscriminately away and wrapped his arms back around Haru, pulling him into his body, starting to rock him in a gentle rhythm.
Over his shoulder, he threw a murderous glare at the Australian couple with the baby, who were sending him annoyed glares in return, knowing he assumed their baby would cry before his did.
Haru’s hiccups were beginning to turn into helpless, pitiful squeaks. He was a man that cried so little, and he could never regulate the sounds he made when he did.
“Hey, when I first moved, I used to tell Sousuke this all the time...” Rin started to say as he drew his fingers through his fiancé’s hair.
“I used to tell him that we weren’t really separated, b-because…” Rin stuttered over his own words, frantic to get Haru’s sudden and overwhelming tears to stop.
“Because the ocean was always there to connect us. It’ll be the same for you and Makoto.”
Knowing any sight of Japan was now swallowed by the Pacific Ocean; Haru only cried harder.
