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“Hey, Tsukipi,” Ritsu’s voice, slightly crackly over the phone line, felt oddly strained. Well, Leo could kind of guess why…Naru had already messaged both him and Sena the previous day, telling them about what had happened with Crazy B the other day. Honestly, from when he’d met with him, Leo hadn’t really thought Suo’s Kohaku was that type of mean guy? But he was terrible at judging characters, like Sena always told him, wahaha ☆ That Kohaku really was an interesting person, just like Suo~, though!
“Ehh? Did you say something, Rittsu?” Leo suddenly snapped back to reality upon the realization that Rittsu was still speaking.
“Tsukipi~, you’re still acting the same, huh,” He really sounded exhausted. But now that Leo listened closer, wasn’t his voice also wavering a bit? Huh? Was Rittsu okay?
“I don’t know how to say this…I made a mistake. Tsukipi…even though Suu-chan was struggling more than either of us, we left him alone and went on to the theater. I don’t know why. I was willing to sing and dance even in place of sleeping if it was for our king, who always puts up with our selfishness…and yet, why did I leave him behind to be here? All I remember is the shame of knowing how terrible a tactician I was, how badly I let Knights down, and so…” The sound on the other end of the line sounded suspiciously like a sob.
“Tsukipi, Nacchan and I left Suuchan alone. Even when he was suffering like that, we just went on ahead. And now there’s no one by his side. It’s stupid of me to ask you from so far away, but we booked ourselves up too much. Until the end of the qualifying round, we can’t stop singing and dancing on stage. That’s why, Tsukipi…”
Ritsu’s voice was soft, hurt. “Please. Save him.”
So, that was the situation, huh?
“Don’t worry, Rittsu~ I’ll handle it all, so just focus on singing and dancing, okay?” Despite the enormity of what Ritsu was asking of him, Leo’s voice was surprisingly carefree. Maybe because he’d already come to a decision long ago, maybe because a part of him was anticipating this.
Four hours later, Leo was tearing up their hotel room while Izumi loudly complained behind him.
“Haah? You want to go back to Japan at this point? Are you serious? We barely even got here a day ago, and you already want to ditch it after dragging you all the way?”
“It’s fine, Sena! Wahaha~”
“Hey, don’t just laugh in my face? Are your ears broken, Leo-kun? You said you’d give your life to me, right, and that you wouldn’t run away anymore, and you already made it this far! And you won’t even say why! I get that you already submitted your compositions, but that doesn’t mean you can just up and leave without problems, you know?”
“I know, I know. Jeez, Sena, you always complain too much!” What was that checklist Sena always forced him to go through when they packed? Umm…clothes, toiletries, electronics—oh yeah! He’d forgotten his charger, hadn’t he? Sena would’ve gotten mad at him again if his phone died, so it was great he’d remembered~
“Heeeh? You want to just leave our important competition halfway through without even telling me anything, and this is complaining too much?! If you don’t say anything, Leo-kun, I’m going to tie you up and make sure you’re stuck in here for the rest of the festival!” Izumi’s voice cracked at the last few words, and he coughed a bit to cover it up. His tone was harsh, but Leo could tell…he definitely was worried.
Leo finally paused, hands holding onto an alien plushie.
There was no way Leo could just run away without telling him, could he?
So he spoke, eyes shadowed and fixed at a point on the wall. “Sena. You know? Being famous overseas is your dream, not mine. Seeing how hard you work always makes me want to write five, ten, a hundred songs for how passionate you are. But for me, all I want is to stay by all of your sides and be able to write music forever and ever, not all that boring stuff.”
His hands clenched on the plushie.
“Even if my future gets rubbed over with charcoal because of this…Sena. Suo is suffering over there, with no one by his side. Knights came and saved me—Suo reached out a hand to me, the stupid me who wanted to give up on being with Knights, too caught in his own suffering. Our hard-working king is now lying there, the crown I passed to him toppled onto the ground.”
“Sena. I gave you my life because I loved you more than anyone, because I wanted your dreams to come true. But because of Knights, even though I was willing to write music forever to compensate for the dreams we’d trampled over, I was able to want to continue living. Even though my dreams are stupid compared to yours, I still want everyone in Knights to be able to live happily, more than anything.” Sena was always pushing himself so hard, his eyes fixed on the future. Leo had been so inspired by that gaze that he’d vowed to devote himself to him, to give his everything for the sake of his dreams.
But Leo was a king no longer. He was a knight, and so the person he served couldn’t be Sena, not anymore.
“Please. Just let my life belong to me, okay?” He’d said something like this in the airport, too, but Sena probably hadn’t taken him seriously. After all, Leo was childish, carefree, irresponsible, all those sorts of things, which was why Sena likely felt like he had to take control over him, to regulate his stupid impulses. And Leo was willing to give into him, to be his pet or whatever else he wanted. He knew he didn’t really deserve to ask for it to be otherwise, and he liked being with Sena, anyways. Even if he and Sena fought a lot, even if he somehow felt restricted, it was okay!
It was okay, because it was just Leo. But now that it was Suo who was suffering, who’d bear the brunt of Leo giving in now…he had to remain stubborn, at least this once.
Leo couldn’t see Izumi’s expression. He tossed the alien plushie into his luggage, picking up a discarded shirt from the ground and turning it over in his hands, trying to figure out if it was still clean enough to wear again. He squinted. Was that a stain, or a design? Wait, let him imagine! Ah, the wings of inspiration were starting to stir…!
“Seriously, you’re so annoying!” Izumi snatched the shirt from his hands, and the trumpets in his head abruptly shut off.
“Eh? Sena, did you get something in your throat? Your voice sounds weird!”
“Ugh, just stop talking! And sit over there, I’ll do the packing, just play the obedient pet!” Izumi looked over at his half packed suitcase and clicked his tongue in annoyance, upending its contents back onto the bed.
“Wahaha, is this Sena’s idea of an apology?” Upon Izumi’s glare, Leo backtracked. “I mean, arf arf! Woof woof! Meow meow!”
“Good,” Izumi huffed. “You’d better take good care of Kasa-kun, okay? And if he’s in that type of state, then…tell him it’s okay if he has some sweets, alright? Just this once, I’ll turn a blind eye! But he’d better not pig out!”
Sena was such a tsundere, wasn’t he? Ah, yup, the music was rushing back into his head!
“And you’d better not compose on the bedsheets-?!”
—————————————————————
In a silent room within a traditional inn, the air was stagnant. Perhaps you could’ve been forgiven for falling under the misapprehension that the room was devoid of life: after all, it was only a fingertip that distinguished one Tsukasa Suou from death. Just a soft huff of breath within the silent room proved that the boy was still living, despite his dull and lightless eyes. Hour after hour he had spent curled into the fetal position in the corner of the bed, the blankets bunched up around him, frozen in place.
His lips were dry again.
He ought to drink some water.
…He didn’t move.
He couldn’t. The him who had dashed ahead, boldly and bravely, raising the banner for the sake of his own selfish desire for Knights’ victory—
—had merely led his loved ones to a sickening death on the battlefield.
Perhaps he was being disingenuous. After all, Ritsu-senpai and Narukami-senpai had departed for the theater long ago (…how long ago? He didn’t know) to continue fighting bravely, like true Knights. Despite his failure, they’d clawed their ways out from their graves without an ounce of hesitance, gripping their swords tightly and hoisting them towards the sky. At this moment, they were surely performing with an undeniable brilliance for the fans that continued to cheer for them, despite the fact that Knights no longer had any possibility of victory.
Because he’d dissolved it with his own hands, pathetically allowing his naive and childish beliefs to become the foundation for their defeat.
A soft, dry sound came out from his chest, with a slight rattling sound. It was repulsive, nauseating, so he quickly stopped it. Aaah, even his attempt at laughing was laughable. How worthless could he possibly be? To have failed everyone, in such a manner. After all, it was his foolishness, his reckless disregard for Ritsu-senpai’s words, and his arrogance at believing he’d advanced any further than the naive heir “Tsukasa Suou” that had brought him to this point. If he stripped away his skin, digging his fingers into it and peeling away that veneer of a well-bred heir, surely all that’d be unveiled would be a skittering batch of dirty, disgusting bugs. Cowards that they were, they’d scatter upon being exposed to the light, and that’d be the end of him.
If he could, he would have. To his seniors of Knights who loved him so dearly—not the heir Tsukasa Suou, not the king of Knights, but him—he wished to display the ugliest parts of him. Not out of a desire that they’d find something meaningful even within his broken-down body—no, he simply wished to finally show them how beyond redemption the true version of him was. The pathetic, cowardly boy they’d made their king, showered with their love, fought under the banner of, did not deserve their forgiveness. Not after marring the name of Knights with mud and ashes, smearing their proud banner with his own filth.
Knights. That was, those who he loved beyond imagining: the shadow of the weakly beating organ within his ribcage, the dazzling beings who constructed a wondrous stage of light, a kingdom of beauty with their own hands. Within a world that the rays of sun could not penetrate, each of them had been trapped in a cocoon of darkness. Even Tsukasa, living as though he were a marionette, parroting the adults around him with wooden limbs and a hollow space in place of his heart.
It was Knights who had saved him, too.
They’d reached out to each other, in spite of themselves. Unfurled themselves, moving proudly ahead despite being trampled over again and again. Built themselves into a proud unit that the world could no longer deny.
And all their efforts had once again been reduced to nothingness, as a consequence of his failure. Their suffering, their regrets, were merely the repercussions of his own unforgivable stupidity.
…He wanted to die. With an intensity that even surprised him himself, such that he could barely prevent himself from slicing deep into his flesh and finally granting himself relief from this misery. Wasn’t that, itself, foolish? Surely, none of his seniors would wish for him to erase this stain with his blood, no matter what resentment they may harbor deep within their chests. It wasn’t as though this were true warfare: it was merely a clash of idols, one that would not end in true death, nor injury.
And that was, perhaps, the part that shamed him the most. If it were a battlefield littered with corpses, his penance would be to fight until the end, till he, too, became mere scattered debris. But his sins could not be absolved so easily. And still, he could not forgive himself for his own failures. Even if he were to dig out his liver, his kidney, his lungs, offering them up to his seniors as the miserable remnants of his worthless self, they’d simply recoil away in disgust. There was no way for him to right his errors, no path to compensating for his failures.
He wasn’t strong enough to continue moving forward, in the face of that bitter truth.
【Tsukasa Suou】was nothing but a coward in the end, it seemed. All those ideals and desires he’d decorated himself with were naught but false delusions, to distract onlookers from the weak and useless self that lay underneath.
So here he sat, wallowing in his own shame, unable to lift even a finger.
“Suo~!” Within that shallow room where the passage of time did not penetrate, came a disturbance.
Aah, he was dreaming, wasn’t he? Leo-san was in Europe, proudly displaying the fruits of his accomplishments and striving to win accolades that could then reflect back upon Knights, bringing them international fame. It was nonsensical to imagine he’d be here, in front of Tsukasa, with such a strange and unfamiliar expression it could only be the product of a distorted and self-serving imagination.
“Go away,” Tsukasa’s voice came out hoarse, and as he moved his head to glare at the apparition, he had to close his eyes against the sudden black spots that appeared in his vision.
This type of body was truly suitable for his current state, wasn’t it? Perhaps if he continued on like this, the decay of his external self could approach that of his distorted soul.
“So cruel! Even though I came all the way from Europe to see Suo~!” Leo crossed his arms over his chest with a huff.
Tsukasa blinked for a moment as he processed his words. His stomach dropped, the sudden swoop leaving him dizzy and blacking his vision out once more.
He hadn’t thought he could possibly impair Knights further, beyond his current level of failure. And yet, he could only accumulate shame atop shame, couldn’t he?
“You left behind the COMPETITION…for me?” Please, allow this to be mere delusion. Spare this Tsukasa at least the burden of such a failure.
“Yup! Aren’t you surprised, Suo~?” Something about Leo’s responding smile made his stomach churn.
“Why—how—is it still possible for you to return? Perhaps if you DEPART now, they’ll accept some sort of excuse and allow you to continue?” He clung tightly to that possibility.
“Nope! I went right up to the organizers and told them I was leaving, wahaha!”
Leo continued speaking, but Tsukasa’s ears were suddenly ringing. His stomach roiled, and he pushed his torso forward as he gagged, dry-heaving onto the mattress. He supposed it was lucky he hadn’t eaten since…however long it’d been since he’d realized the extent of his failures. Two days? Three?
“Suo!” Leo’s voice was panicked. As Tsukasa adjusted back to reality, he realized that Leo was somehow beside him, his arm slung comfortingly over Tsukasa’s back. Unable to control his body, Tsukasa heaved one more time, before finally coming to a stop, panting.
“Um…what was it…right! Suo, breathe with me! In and out, okay! One…two…” Obedient to the last, Tsukasa followed Leo’s instructions, breathing in and out in time with his count. Surprisingly, it helped steady him a bit, and by the time Leo reached ten, Tsukasa no longer felt quite so miserable.
At least, until what Leo-san had said again dawned upon him again.
“Leo-san, why would you leave?” His voice was weak, pathetic, and he couldn’t make eye contact with his senior.
“Because Suo is way more important, duh!” Tsukasa couldn’t restrain a flinch at that. How had Leo even heard of his current state? He’d been isolated in this room, after all: there ought to have been no one who could relate the depths of Tsukasa’s current pitifulness. It didn’t matter. Perhaps there was still something he could do.
“E-even though you say that, perhaps if you explain—“
“Eh? But I don’t wanna go back! Anyways, stop talking about stupid things, Suo~! I’m here for you!”
“No, that’s far more essential a topic than I am! You could still—“
“Nope! You’re the king of knights, so you’re more important than anything! Wahaha ☆” The confidence in Leo’s words struck Tsukasa like a physical blow.
“You’re wrong.” His voice was soft, so soft that even from next to him, Leo couldn’t make out his words.
“Eh? What’d you say? No, wait, let me imagine—“
“I said you’re wrong! I’m nothing but a drain on Knights, a foolish and weak person who only degraded Knights by being handed the throne! There’s no point in sacrificing for someone like me, so please…” His voice was thick with unshed tears. “Please…”
“What’re you talking about? That’s not true at all! Suo’s amazing!” Leo’s voice was annoyed, his hands on his hips.
Ah. He didn’t know, did he? How Tsukasa had failed.
Tsukasa didn’t want to relate the details of his shame, watch Leo’s expression transform from righteous anger to disgust. For Leo-san to look at him like that…it was painful. Far too painful to even envision.
Yet he didn’t deserve to hide from Leo-san’s judgement. So despite how his throat burned, how desperately he wished he could escape, coward that he was, he opened his mouth to speak.
“Ah, wait! Let me get you water, Suo!” As Leo dashed out of the room, Tsukasa was left staring out sightlessly, hands clenched on the blankets in front of him. Within a minute, Leo had returned, precariously carrying a glass that was far too close to spilling over.
“Here! Drink it!” Under the force of Leo’s stare, Tsukasa took the glass from Leo’s hands. Yet days of going without sleep had left him unsteady, and his shaking hands nearly spilled the entire contents of the glass onto his lap.
Leo’s hands darted out to cover his, holding the cup securely, as he looked at Tsukasa in concern.
“Uwaa?! Forget it! I’ll help you drink!” True to his words, Leo gently pried the glass out of Tsukasa’s hands, though it didn’t require much force with his current condition. He raised the rim of the glass to Tsukasa’s lips, waiting surprisingly patiently. Hesitantly, Tsukasa parted his lips and allowed Leo to tilt the glass up. It hurt to swallow, but the sensation was blessedly soothing on his parched throat.
Leo kept a close eye on him as he continued to help Tsukasa drink, one hand on Tsukasa’s back. To steady him or for some other reason, Tsukasa didn’t know.
It truly was strange. Tsukasa should’ve ought to have hated being treated like this, as if he were a child. A part of him did feel humiliated by his own actions. Yet…
Having Leo look at him, with those eyes full of sincere concern. To hold him so close…it somehow quietened a portion of the clamor that had been unceasingly echoing within the confines of his scalp, replaced by a numbing static. Leo’s arm burned like a brand on his back. Yet an embarrassingly large portion of Tsukasa was terrified at the prospect of him retracting it.
Once the glass was empty, Leo placed it to the side, on the nightstand. He moved his arm away from Tsukasa (he felt it like a knife in the chest), but only for a moment, before he was clambering onto the bed next to Tsukasa.
“Eh? W-wait, Leo-san, what are you—?” Tsukasa stammered.
Instead of responding, Leo pulled him into a hug. They were far, far too close-!! Such an intimate position–!
…It felt nice. So nice, that Tsukasa’s eyes stung with tears.
“I know Suo is thinking a lot. And I’m bad with words, so! Suo can hear it, right? My heart is still beating?”
It was hard for Tsukasa to extricate his brain from how overwhelming the sensation of being close was, particularly in his current state, but he somehow managed it.
“Yes, I do.”
“Then! It’s all fine, right? Everyone’s alive, so…even if Knights lost this time around, we’ll just defeat everyone again, wahaha!”
“But—! You don’t understand, how badly I failed—“
“Nope! Rittsu told me everything, you know? He was blaming himself too, actually!”
Leo-san knew? He had known, and still returned for Tsukasa, sacrificing his prospect of victory? Why would he possibly…
Leo pulled back a bit to look Tsukasa in the eyes. “It’s fine! It was already a bad situation from the start, so! Suo shouldn’t hate himself for it!”
“B-but…” Such words may have been pleasant to hear, and yet they could not soothe the burn of his failure.
Leo waited for a moment for Tsukasa to continue, but upon his silence, Leo spoke again.
“You know, Suo, I was the king before you. You know, right? How badly I failed?”
“…Yes, I’m aware.” Tsukasa was cognizant of the circumstances surrounding both Leo’s downfall and his triumphant return, though he still wasn’t entirely certain of all the details. He wished to protest, to claim Leo of all people could not be a failure: but to say so would be to erase the depths of Leo’s past regret and unhappiness, so he clamped his mouth shut.
“The crown…is a heavy thing. Because you have to bear everything. Suo is strong, that’s why I gave it to you, you know? Naru too, she gave it up to you. But…” Leo paused as he pulled Tsukasa back in, his expression hidden against Tsukasa’s hair, his mouth next to his ear.
“It’s still hard, you know? It’s painful. It hurts, and you hate yourself for it, and you get so mad you want to run away, and you get so sad you can’t do anything. But still, because you’re the king, you can’t stop! So then you push yourself way too hard and then you break!”
“The person who pulled me out of that dark pit of suffering was none other than you, Suo~. That’s why, I won’t say bad things about you, even if you mess up! Actually, if you do, I’ll get annoyed at you! Suo~‘s so hard-working and sincere, if anyone badmouths him, I’ll get mad and fight them!”
“No, please don’t do that?!” Tsukasa couldn’t contain his interjection, but Leo just barreled ahead.
“So, Suo~! Even if you want to hide away for a bit, that’s okay! But I’ll hide with you! I’m not gonna let you push yourself till you break, you should rely on me! And the rest of Knights, too, but especially me! Because I swore I’d devote myself to you, that’s why I’ll stay by your side!” Leo’s volume, so close to Tsukasa’s ear, nearly made him wince.
Leo finally pulled away again, just a bit, eyes determined.
“But don’t hide forever, alright? Just a little bit! And if your brain starts to think bad things, just tell me: I’ll compose so many beautiful songs about you that it’ll drive them all away ☆”
Tsukasa just stared at Leo for a moment, his tired brain trying to process Leo’s words. Leo cocked his head in confusion.
“Eh? Suo? Are you okay? Did the aliens get to you?”
Tsukasa began to laugh, building up from a giggle to a full laughing fit, his whole body shaking. As he did, tears began to slip from his eyes, one after the other, until it was hard to distinguish his sobs from his laughter. He clung onto Leo, the force of his chest’s movement reverberating into the other boy from where they were connected, uniting them in this strange parody of grief and joy.
“Eh? Uh?” Leo’s confusion was obvious.
Even as Tsukasa’s chest ached and eyes stung, he couldn’t control himself. Somehow, he’d begun crying in earnest, but rather than painful it felt relieving. As though he was purging just a small portion of the black miasma that had been haunting him, trapped in a coffin of his own making. Despite how Leo still seemed unsure, he shifted his arms to hug Tsukasa properly, rubbing gentle circles into his back, and that sensation helped ground Tsukasa enough that he was gradually able to bring himself back to a state resembling composure. Finally, Tsukasa raised his eyes to meet Leo’s own.
“My apologies, Leo-san. It’s just that you really are the same as ever.” Tsukasa’s smile was fond, and although not entirely unclouded, it was far brighter than his previous expressions.
“Hmm…no, I don’t really get it! Ahh, words really are hard…”
Tsukasa cleared his throat a bit. “Um, Leo-san…if you really are alright with staying by the side of—someone like me—then please…I’d be grateful if you were to do so.” His cheeks were strangely hot. Somehow, it felt as if he were accepting some other sort of proposal.
“Hm? Of course I’m alright with it! After all, I love you, Suo~”
“Ah—please don’t say those sorts of things so casually?!”
“I mean it, though?”
“That’s not what I meant! Really, Leo-san, you don’t change at all!”
“Wahaha, that’s a good thing, though ☆ Now sleep, okay, Suo! I’ll be here!” Leo finally let go of Tsukasa, and he immediately missed the other boy’s warmth.
“Ah, I can’t sleep quite so…readily…” The yawn that interrupted him proved the falsehood in his words. Now that some of his anguish had abated, he was struck by a surprisingly strong bout of fatigue, and the task of keeping his eyes open felt strangely daunting.
“It’s okay, Suo. I’ll watch over you, alright?” Leo’s voice was uncharacteristically gentle, but Tsukasa was too exhausted to think too deeply over it.
“Very well, then…” Tsukasa slid down just slightly, so he was properly laying down. He paused for a moment, but shutting his eyes, he outstretched his hand in the direction of Leo.
“Could you…”
“Eh? Could I?”
“Could you perhaps…hold my hand?” Tsukasa sounded slightly abashed, but Leo clasped onto his hand without a hint of hesitation.
“Okay! Now sleep, Suo!”
“Alright…your hand feels WARM…” Came Tsukasa’s sleepy response. He fell silent, and Leo waited a few minutes to see if he’d continue before looking over, curious.
Tsukasa’s face had softened in the slack lines of sleep, a slight puffing sound accompanying his every breath.
“Suo really looks so cute like this, doesn’t he? Well, every Suo is cute!” Leo spoke out quietly to himself.
“He didn’t get it when I said I love him…ahh, seriously, words are way too high-difficulty. Next time, I’ll write him a song!”
“For now, though, I just want Suo to rest…”
Leo kept his eyes fixed on Tsukasa’s figure for a while longer, but eventually, even his eyes began to close, heavy with his fatigue. After all, he hadn’t been able to sleep on the plane over, too worried about Tsukasa to be able to do anything.
Soon enough, he, too, was caught in the grasp of slumber. The room was quiet again, but this time, the air felt more comfortable.
The only noise was the soft sounds of breathing from two boys—
—their hands still interlinked.