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An intense sound fills the practice studio room. It’s chaos.
My guitar roars, Ikuyo’s follows, letting our distortion coat the air.
The sound of the drums reverberates around us, with Nijika crashing its cymbals and striking its snare at an unusual volume.
Ryo plucks at her bass, its booming sound as precise as always.
And above all of these layers of noise, Ikuyo sings her lungs out. I’m not sure she can even hear herself right now, but that’s not stopping her from giving her all.
Usually, our shared enthusiasm would blend together into a harmonious sound.
Usually…
Our sounds may be well defined on their own, but put together… Let's just say it’s not our best day.
Nijika’s foundation is at a far faster tempo than it should be for the current song, and I can tell she knows it. Unfortunately, her frustration at this very fact leads to her increasing her speed even more. She’s getting emotional and impatient with our current sound…
Ryo, on the other hand, plays at the perfect tempo for the song, like it’s ingrained into her mind. Which would be amazing if it was actually in time with her drummer… I’m sure in her mind she’s thinking everyone will follow her, since she’s playing in time, but one look at Nijika’s face and she’d realize that her best friend is too busy fighting off a meltdown to slow to her tempo…
That leaves me… in an awkward position. I’m stuck trying to slow Nijika and speed-up Ryo, while also attempting to make the lead parts sound as slick as can be. It’s not working very well.
Worst of all, my sloppy attempt at saving this song is only hampering Ikuyo. I can tell… she has no idea how to play along with me since I keep adjusting my speed. And because of that, she’s putting so much effort into trying to keep up with my inconsistent playing that her vocals are suffering. She’s short of breath, she’s skipping words, and she’s getting more and more frustrated. And it’s my fault…
As the song crescendos into an climactic cacophony of horrors, Nijika smashes her crash cymbals and slams her kick drum for upwards of five seconds, giving a perfect sonic description of the current mood poisoning the air.
As if the end of her sound is our cue, we all turn back to look towards Nijika. Our usually cheerful band leader is red with frustration, panting in heavy, sharp breaths. This is one of the few times I’ve seen her genuinely upset.
And I get it… We sounded… bad. Like pre-audition bad…
Realizing everyone’s staring at her, she takes a deep breath, letting the immediate anger wash off of her like steam. She moves to clear her throat, before attempting to lighten the mood with a sigh and a little smile.
“Let’s take a break, yeah?” From the strained tone of her voice alone, I can tell the frustration is still present within her, she simply buried it for our sake. I want to reach out, tell her that she doesn’t have to hide her feelings for us, that she shouldn’t .
But after my pitiful display, she probably doesn’t want to hear that from me…
I turn to look towards Ryo, hoping she’ll be the one to calm Nijika down and-
Oh. She’s already left the room. Her bass is in its stand, remaining as the only trace of her existence in this room. I swear, she’s like a phantom…
I see Nijika lightly sigh, before springing off of her seat and exiting the room, presumably to find Ryo.
I wish I had the words to relieve her of the weight she carries, but…
I guess I’m not much of a hero after all.
Only Ikuyo and I remain in the room. The silence lingering between us begins to weigh on my mind, and I almost open my mouth to speak first.
Before I can however, she slumps to the floor with a groan, and lets out a ferocious strum. The amp distorts this open chord into an unexpected attack on my ears. I can’t help but shudder for a second.
“I-Ikuyo?” I try to call out to her, but she quickly breaks out into another distorted cry - this time in the form of an F Minor.
I quickly put my guitar back on its stand and sink to the floor with her, but her strumming gets increasingly more enraged the longer I wait for her to notice. After a few seconds, the sound becomes unbearably loud.
“I-Ikuyo, please.” I grab her arm and her head shoots up, breaking her out of whatever world of anxiety her mind conjured up.
Seeing her frazzled face like this just reminds me of… me. I forget far too often just how similar we are, but… this isn’t right for her. She shouldn’t even be taking the blame.
“Sorry, Hitori. I…” Her eyes drift with her words.
She doesn’t continue that sentence, but I’m at least slightly happy that my words got her out of her own head. I gently grab the guitar from her hands and place it on its stand, before reaching out a hand and helping her up. She holds it much more tightly than usual. I can’t help but feel like she’s desperate for something to cling to. But…
“Ikuyo, it’s not your fault. We, um… we’re all a little out of it today, okay? So, d-don’t take it too hard…”
I say that, knowing just how hypocritical I’m being. But, even so… I know how strong Ikuyo is just as well. The girl who stumbles during band practice, but practices until she can play it perfectly for me at lunch the next day. The girl who groans at a failure, but has an infectious smile at a success. My shining star. Even when I feel down, your glow tells me I’m not out.
If anyone’s a ‘guitarhero’ out of the two of us…
“I know, Hitori,” she replies. Her tone lacks the warmth I was hoping for, so I can’t help but frown a little.
Even just looking at her, she lacks the shine that always pushes me forward. She looks more defeated than I’ve ever seen…
I reach a hand forward, determined to pull her into a hug, but… my mind freezes.
Of course, I want to make the girl I love feel better, but… if I was the one who made her feel like this in the first place… would she even want my comfort?
What can I even say?
Am I just bringing her down?
Do I even deserve-
Ah~
As if she can sense my thoughts beginning to spiral, she pulls me into a tight embrace. Way tighter than usual.
“Hitori… I’m sorry,” she lets out in a tender whisper. Her voice knocks my worries to the back of my brain, as wrapping my arms around her becomes my top priority. Satisfied with this, she buries her head into my shoulder.
It’s such a simple thing, really… yet I forget it so often. We both struggle on our own, and we always will, but… when we’re together like this… the world feels a little less overwhelming.
Even just us existing together in this embrace. The silence I used to find alienating has become my safe space. Her warmth is my anchor. And… I think, maybe… mine is hers too.
I move my hands to her shoulders as she pulls away with a soft whimper. Using her warmth as my fuel, I give her my best attempt at a comforting smile. It might not be any good, but what kinda girlfriend doesn’t even try?
She gives a small, but meaningful smile in response. That’s enough for me.
Moving my hands to her cheeks, she all but leans into them. Feeling my heart quicken out of love, instead of anxiety, I inch my face towards hers, desperate for a kiss. And considering the speed at which she jumps to my lips, she’s desperate too.
Looking into her beautiful amber eyes, I see hints of the fear and frustration that linger from practice. This sets off a lightbulb in my brain for some reason.
Even if I stumble at times, my desire to make this amazing girl as happy as can be will never change.
Leaning into our kiss just a little more, I see the anxious contents of her eyes begin to be flooded with pure love. It makes my heart feel like it’s on fire.
Sadly, I need oxygen, so I’m forced to pull away from the comfort of her lips. She steps back, breaking our embrace, flashing me a genuine smile.
“Thank you, Hitori… I really needed that,” she says with a familiar glow.
I can’t help but start to melt a little… I mean, I made her feel better… That’s pretty good girlfriend behavior, right?
Giving me a playful smile, Ikuyo pulls me into another embrace. Her hands reach for my waist, while she rests her forehead on mine. I’m enveloped in her warmth once more.
“I love you…” she whispers, the love in her words almost palpable.
“I love you too, Ikuyo.”
I really want to kiss you again-
The sound of the door opening, however, makes us immediately separate, as I pray that whoever just walked in did not see the face I was just making…
Looking towards the door, it’s unsurprisingly Nijika and Ryo re-entering, though both of them seem to be doing better as well.
I only kind of want to explode right now, but these two must be in their own worlds as well, as they cheerfully walk to their instruments. Nijika’s even happy enough to hum, a far cry from how she was when she left…
“Well, we all seem to be in much higher spirits after that little break, wouldn’t you all agree?” she happily asks.
“Y-Yes!” I can’t help but agree. She gives me a thumbs up with a smile, reminiscent of that night…
I look towards Ryo, who’s already fiddling on her bass in anticipation, and she gives a slight grin.
I look towards Ikuyo one last time, and she gives me a shining smile as she grabs her guitar. With that, I’m sure…
Kessoku Band is united once more.
“Okay, on four,” Nijika calls out. “One, two! One, two, three, four!”
An intense sound fills the practice studio room. It’s perfect.
I don't know what's happening, all I know is that I sound awful. My hands struggle to maintain control as my voice flies between keys, trying to find stability.
It isn't that hard and I know it. At least, singing isn't, it never has been. I've always been pretty good at that; or at least that's what I've been telling myself…
But maybe that's always just been another lie.
Another on the list of untruths that I've been telling myself and everyone around me for my entire life.
I wouldn't be surprised, at this point I don't know why they keep me around.
Hitori sounds good, but that's also not a surprise. She's always been the one who keeps everyone in the band going. Our inspiration even if she has no idea…
I'm sure I've told her so many times, and she always accepts it greedily with a smile and that cute little laugh of hers, but I doubt she ever truly believes it.
Senpai's bass sounds perfect as always, but, well… I guess that's the problem. Honestly, I can't even tell what the problem is anymore. The last time I got a look at her she looked like she wanted to strangle herself. Or someone else. I can only imagine how hard Ijichi-senpai is taking all of this.
Especially with how fast she's playing, even I can tell she's off-tempo by a wide margin at this point, speeding past us all.
Actually, now that I'm paying attention, has Hitori always been playing so out of focus? It feels like she's trying to fix everything all on her own…
I skip words, almost choking as I realize…
I'm making her sound bad.
I'm making Hitori's guitar sound bad.
The thought is almost too much for me to take, I can barely bear it. As my fingers fail to keep up with it all, all I can think to myself is that it's my fault.
My voice cracks as my focus fades in and out, the drums go crazy. I can hear Ijichi-senpai hitting the cymbals so hard the sound of the sticks shine through the impact. The kick drum speeds off for a good while, angry and full of rage.
There's a wall of sound assaulting all the empty space in the room, and then the absence of any takes its place as we all stop and turn to face her.
All I see is a girl who clearly has it worse than me right now, and I feel a wave of guilt hit me all at once.
Maybe I should consider that not everything revolves around me just once in a while, that might be nice.
“Let's take a break, yeah?” she says, her face flushed beyond belief. I'm sure I look the same, actually. Hitori looks like she's about to pass out she's sweating so hard.
I guess the weight of carrying my awful playing adds a lot of stress to her performance, now that I think about it.
Ugh.
I feel the hot air of the room grow chokingly thick. My vision settles on the floor as I feel them move past me and out of the room.
It's not your fault, Ijichi-senpai. It's mine. It's all mine. I'm just deadweight, I don't understand why I'm still here!
Why?
Why do you three tell me I'm constantly improving when this is what ends up happening? If I was getting better would I really be causing such a frustrating mess?
I feel a bit of sweat get into my eyes and I hold back the urge to wipe away the sting. I don't want to smear my makeup, that would just be one more reason to hate today.
I feel disgusted, my hand moves without even thinking. I strum the strings hard, letting noise overtake everything. I feel gravity take control as I keep strumming. My hand moves to fret a chord just to prove to myself that I know something. That I'm not entirely useless.
I hear the noise, but I can't connect it to what I'm doing. Despite how loud it is.
It just makes me angry.
I strum harder and harder and harder and I can't do this anymore-
“I-Ikuyo, please.”
I jump as a hand stops my arm, I hear Hitori calling to me and my heart is beating so hard I feel sick.
I hate this.
She's still here. Why is she still here?
I take a moment to breathe, clear my thoughts as I look at her. She looks so concerned it physically hurts me. Worry is filling her eyes completely and I can't take it.
I swallow hard, choking down the stomach acid that burns my throat.
“Sorry Hitori, I…”
I try to say more, but I'm not sure what I can even really say in this situation. I feel so helpless, it makes me want to cry.
I feel Hitori grab the strap of my guitar and take it away from me, I don't even try to fight it. Honestly, I feel like I should never be allowed to hold a guitar again.
She holds a hand out to me, I just stare at it for a moment before grabbing onto her tightly. Too tightly, but I don't care. I just want to feel that she's there…
I still don't understand, though. Why? Why are you helping me? I don't deserve it. I don't deserve anyone as lovely as you.
“Ikuyo, it's not your fault. We, um… we're all a little out of it today, okay? So do-don't take it too hard…”
She says this like she doesn't know I will anyway. I feel like laughing, but the feeling is so bitter I bite it back.
What's wrong with me?
“I know, Hitori,” I reply dryly. I can't help but let some of my annoyance seep into my voice. Actually, I think it came out a lot more uncaring than I intended.
She frowns and I instantly regret my tone.
Stupid… you can't talk to Hitori like that. You shouldn't talk to Hitori like that. You know that better than anyone.
I see the way she shrinks back, as if she's afraid of hearing an even harsher tone the next time I open my mouth.
Why am I such an idiot?
She reaches a hand out as if to hug me, but stops halfway. I can see apprehension take over her beautiful face, stealing away her thoughts a little bit more every second.
I…
Even after I mess up like that, you still try to comfort me? You're so…
No. No more self doubt from either of us. I should know by now that if anyone knows what I need when I'm like this, it's you.
It's always you.
I wrap my arms around her tightly. I'm probably squeezing too tightly again… she's not complaining, so whatever. In fact, I squeeze even harder.
“Hitori…” I whisper into her ear. “I'm sorry.”
She says nothing, but returns my embrace. It feels so reassuring to be surrounded by her warmth, I can't fight the urge to bury my head into her shoulder.
She's getting really good at this whole silent communication thing…
I pull away from her slightly and a noise of desperation escapes from me. It's a little embarrassing, but she just smiles.
I love her smiles. I could see them every day for the rest of my life and never get tired of them, but this one feels special.
It forces one out of me involuntarily, and I probably look the worst I've looked in a long time. Heh, if only my followers could see me now. Lovestruck, covered in sweat, a nervous wreck…
Hitori moves her hands to my face, I can't help but blush. It's a bold move. Bolder than Hitori usually is when we're alone, even.
I look into her eyes and all I can see is love. Love, and a determination that I can't quite place. But she's leaning in, and I feel my chest is about to burst open from how frantically my heart is beating.
But I no longer feel sick from it.
Come on, Hitori… this is so unfair. How come this is so effortless for you?
Sometimes I think you have me wrapped around your finger so tightly I can never get away.
Not that I'd ever want to.
I actively choose to fall deeper, meeting her half way for a kiss maybe a little too quickly. Immediately it takes all the frustration and panic and twists and contorts it, until it resembles something just as volatile but a lot less toxic.
It still exists, it will never disappear and I am fully aware of that. But Hitori seems to have this weird power where she can reshape it, if only for a little while. The power must be in her eyes, I always feel much more calm when I stare into them.
She leans into the kiss further, I feel as if my entire being is made weak. I feel like I'd fall if she weren't holding onto me so sweetly…
Her lips are soft, and her touch even softer as her fingertips gently brush across my skin. I shiver in delight, wanting so much more of this girl. But I'm unable to bring myself to ask for more. I'm already being greedy.
But it's hard not to want more when you're used to being given so much…
God, Hitori, you spoil me. Way too much…
I'm brought back to the current moment as she pulls her lips away. I almost think of catching them again, afraid for a brief moment as they leave me. But I know they're not going anywhere.
Breathing gently, I'm still so enraptured by her. It really is amazing what she can do to my heart — and my head. I feel so light.
In a good way.
It all seems so silly, now. It was never worth falling into an almost breakdown over…
“Thank you, Hitori… I really needed that.” I smile. I can't help but smile. Especially when she looks back at me with that giddy look of hers. She's proud of herself, she can't hide it from me.
The thing is… I'm proud of her too. So proud. I bring her in for one last embrace, placing my forehead against hers and my hands on her waist.
“I love you…” I say softly, whispering but pouring every ounce of love in my heart into just those three words.
“I love you too, Ikuyo.”
I really want to kiss you again-
The door opens and we separate almost instinctively, and for some reason my heart rate spikes up even higher than it was earlier. As if we were caught in some intimate moment for our eyes only.
Actually, we've been caught in worse situations before by the others, this really is nothing. It's a silly reaction, and it makes me laugh. Hitori just giggles nervously, as if she were caught doing something illicit.
Ijichi-senpai walked past me with a beaming smile, completely ignoring what she had walked into with a knowing and satisfied look. She sat down at her drum kit, humming a little tune.
Senpai walks in after her, a much more composed aura surrounding her.
“Well, we all seem to be in much higher spirits after that little break, wouldn't you all agree?” Ijichi-senpai asks with a happy lilt to her voice.
“Y-yes!” Hitori agrees, and I see Ijichi-senpai give a thumbs up, a smile on her face now as well. It's nice to see her smile after looking so frustrated.
I look to Senpai, who looks between Hitori and I with a grin as she plays a few notes on her bass.
I have a really good feeling welling up inside as I reach for my guitar.
We still have an hour before practice is meant to be over. But this time, I know somehow that we'll do amazing.
“Okay, on four,” she calls out. “One, two! One, two, three, four!”
Music fills every inch of the room, but unlike before…
We're in perfect unity.