Work Text:
Darling James,
I have always wondered why you loved me; why you stood beside me even as I carried your best friend’s child; why you could look at me without disgust, or anger. I don’t deserve you, how good you have been to me; to Ashley. You took her in as your own, and for that I am forever in your debt.
The night you informed me that John was killing those women, I remember hating you, as if you were the one who did that to him; as if you were the one who gave him the source blood. I remember wishing - praying- that it was you who insisted that we five administer the blood to ourselves, so that I may have someone other than myself to blame. I knew that he was what he was because of me and it killed me inside. I have had to live with that guilt, with the knowledge that it was my fault you lost your best friend, that I lost my fiancé and that Ashley lost her father, for too many years. You tried to make me forget; I remember clearly when you used to drag me along to those hunts for the abnormals so that I would stop wallowing in self-pity and it worked most of the time. Your humour, you love for me was overwhelming but it always helped me to forget about John.
You were always there for me, whether I wanted you or not, you were there. I love you James Watson, with my entire being. I owe you my life because you have saved me so many times, emotionally and physically when no one else could. When everyone had given up on me, you were there holding my hand, encouraging me that I still had a life to live, abnormals to save. If it weren’t for you, I wouldn’t be here today, once again wallowing in self-pity. If it weren’t for me though, you would be here and I wouldn’t be in this state. I want to be angry at you for dying, for not telling me that the mission to India would be your last, but all I can do is sit alone in my room, wishing you were here to help me find my daughter…our daughter. You helped raise Ashley better than I ever could have done alone and she always regarded you as her father figure. She is perfect in every way and everything about her reminds me of how hard you worked, the nights you stayed up when she wouldn’t sleep and that was all I wanted to do. The scary thing is James; I don’t know who she is anymore. The Cabal have taken her and they’re planning something; they’re going to use her against me and I don’t know that if it comes to it, I will be able to kill her.
I wish you were here, oh how I do. Declan is doing a lovely job taking care of the Sanctuary in London but it isn’t the same.
I wish that you could read this, and knowing you never will, breaks my heart.
I love you, James. I always will.
Dearest,
Helen xxx