Work Text:
I can't lose you.
While Olivia stood on the street with Fin, still gathering her bearings after her attack, she felt someone coming up behind her. But before she could turn around she could hear the unmistakable voice she had grown so accustomed to over the years.
"Oh my God, Liv! Are you okay?" Amanda lifted her chin and studied her closely.
Olivia waved her hand off, "Yes, I'm ok. I'm fine. What are you doing here?"
"Where's Noah?" Amanda asks with panic lingering in her voice.
Olivia points to where her son was gawking at them from the window, "He's inside with an officer. He's alright."
She saw that Amanda took a breath, "Well, what are you still doing here? Let's get you to the hospital," the blonde insisted.
"Wait, no. I don't need the hospital. Manda, what are you doing here? You're no longer working SVU."
With indignant frustration in her tone, "I know that, Liv. But did you think I didn't mean what I said? You're my best friend! You think I'm not coming to see you or Noah if something happens to you?!"
Olivia's mouth was agape yet she didn't have a rebuttal. She was touched beyond measure that Amanda had dropped whatever she was doing to come check on her. Suddenly, she felt a sharp pain to her back and the brunette couldn't help but slightly bend forward and reach for the tender spot.
Fin interjected, "Manda's right, Liv. You need to get checked out."
She felt Amanda pulling her by the elbow, "Let's go. I'm coming with you."
Olivia saw the pleading in those baby blues that held persuasive magic. Seldom used on her and rarely working in the past, but Olivia supposed in the short days Amanda had been gone she missed her incredibly. Much more than she would care to admit.
"Okay, alright, fine. But only if it'll get you two off my back. Fin?"
"I'll stay right here with Noah." He directed the rest of his statement to Amanda, "Update me as soon as you can."
Olivia blew a kiss at her son and mouthed, "I'll be back soon." To which he slightly smiled and nodded his head.
Amanda nodded her head at Fin, as they made their way into the ambulance.
The ride to the hospital was quiet, between the women at least. Amanda had an intense look about her and Olivia was racking her brain, trying to connect the dots because she was certain the BX9 gang was involved.
When they got to the ER the attending didn't hesitate as they did a fast ultrasound of her abdomen looking for any bleed, although Olivia denied any abdominal injuries. She briefly explained her attack as they hastily worked on her. Given the state of her face she was immediately taken for a CT of the head and X-rays of her chest and back. When Olivia was rolled back in, Amanda was sitting, hugging both her and Olivia's coat, patiently waiting.
Amanda stared at her, worry in her eyes.
"Amanda, I'm okay. I don't think anything's broken."
She saw Amanda's eyes water before she averted her gaze, "I know."
The blonde threw her eyes up at the sky, "Shit Liv, I haven't even been gone a full week yet and you can't keep yourself outta trouble?"
For a beat Olivia had forgotten the younger detective was no longer at SVU. At the reminder she immediately felt the blanket of melancholy and a tightness in her chest take over.
"How's it going? The professoring?" She sounded a hell of a lot more sarcastic than she intended.
"You know…grading papers; so far, the highlight of my week." She dryly chuckled.
Olivia looked at her longingly now as she thought to herself, "At least you're safe," not realizing she quietly spoke the words out loud.
Amanda eyed her quizzically, a feeling of hurt settling in her belly, because Olivia was't safe. Olivia was hurt. Her friend and former Captain, had been attacked and she was no longer there to prevent it. Nor could she do anything about it. She felt the fire quickly rising inside at imaging what she would do to these savages if she got her hands on them.
At seeing the emotions play in Amanda's face Liv realized how that must have sounded.
"Amanda, that's not what I meant." Olivia closed her eyes trying to form her words, "I mean, that is brings me comfort, that at least you are."
But Olivia realized she was too late as the younger woman's walls were already beginning to rise, "I'm not. I picked the wrong time to quit." Amanda stood and began pacing.
"Amanda…"
But Olivia was interrupted as the nurse walked in with a urine cup asking for a sample.
"I can assure you. I'm not pregnant." She dryly replied.
"Captain Benson, we're looking to make sure there's no blood. Assessing for kidney damage." The Doctor trailed in explaining as the nurse dropped off the cup on the silver tray by the bed.
"Oh." Was Olivia's simple reply.
The physician continued, "Also, I wanted to let you know that the preliminary of the abdominal CT looks good. I'm still waiting on the head CT so I'd prefer if you let someone accompany you to the restroom."
"I can assure you that I can pee on my own."
"I'm sorry it's hospital protocol. If not the nurse then…I'm sorry are you a detective as well?" She directed towards Rollins.
Amanda decided not to correct her, "Amanda Rollins. I am but I'm here as her friend."
"Alright then perhaps you can accompany her. I'll be back when I have more results."
Olivia rolled her eyes as she made to get up, the aches and pains settling into her bones like her body was just now realizing it had been attacked; in protest of the slightest movement.
Amanda worried her brow as she saw Liv grimace and attempt in vain to swallow her groans.
"When the hell are they gonna give you anything for pain?!" Amanda was right beside her but staring angrily at the nurses station.
"You know they can't until my head CT clears."
"But fuck! At least some Tylenol!" The blonde was spewing out her frustration.
"Rollins, are you gonna help me or not?"
Amanda felt herself slightly calm as she walked closely, next to Liv. She was almost afraid to touch her as she kept a gentle hand under her forearm, "I'm not goin anywhere."
When they reached the short distance to the restroom, realizing it was a single, Amanda made to stand outside. The annoying nurse strolled by immediately correcting the situation, "Ma'am you need to go with her or else I do." She stood there waiting on Amanda.
"No problem."
But Olivia gave her a look as she walked in with her. Amanda immediately turned around facing the door. "Let me know if you do need help." She seriously stated, not wanting Liv to feel like she wouldn't assist.
"I'm fine. Just turn on the faucet and don't listen."
"Alright, I won't. It's not like we haven't peed side by side a thousand times." She mumbled the last statement quietly to herself. Amanda thought that Liv was being ridiculous. But she understood better than most that Liv just didn't want to feel vulnerable; not even for a second.
Olivia did her business and was at the sink washing her hands.
"Can I turn around now?" Amanda annoyingly asked.
"Hmm." Was Olivia's reply which made the younger woman turn abruptly to find the brunette clasping the sink so tightly that her knuckles were turning white.
"Liv?" Amanda reached out to rest her hand softly on Liv's upper back but Olivia grimaced. "Shit! I'm sorry, I…"
"No, it's ok. Just dizzy. Really dizzy." Olivia's eyes were closed as Amanda gently reached out and placed her hands on Olivia's hips from behind.
"Is this ok?" She asked as Olivia nodded yes.
"Are you gonna be sick?"
"No, no, I don't think so." Olivia replied.
"Want me to call the nurse?"
"No! Definitely no." Liv firmly stated.
Amanda smiled at her stubbornness, "Okay, I won't. I'm right here." Amanda kept her hands on her hips and pressed her body up against Olivia's. Amanda eyed the panic button, ready to catch Olivia and pull it if anything were to happen. "Lean against me, if you think it will help."
So Olivia did.
Amanda responded by gently wrapping her right hand around Olivia's midsection, resting it over her belly button. She had noticed and even contributed to Olivia's weight loss over the last few months. Encouraging her Captain to join her at the park and trading healthy recipes; even meeting at the gym many mornings. But Amanda had forgotten just how fit Liv had gotten. Her body felt amazing. Amanda's head quickly snapped up at her own thoughts. What the hell was wrong with her? She was married to Carisi. She loves Carisi. Maybe once upon a time, a long time, she had a mild crush on her former Captain but she had quickly squashed those dreams when she realized that would never happen. The brain had a funny way of fucking with you when you least expected it.
Olivia kept her eyes closed a little longer than necessary as the wave of vertigo passed. For the first time since the attack, she felt incredibly safe. It wasn't fair though. Amanda was no longer hers to answer her every beck and call. Is that what her detective did? The truth was that Olivia could merely think of the blonde and she would appear. She could always rely on her detective and count on her as a friend. But all that had changed. Amanda had not only left SVU. She married Carisi. Olivia could no longer demand nor should she expect anything of the blonde.
Liv rested her arm over Amanda's as she opened her eyes. Their eyes immediately fixing on each other through the mirror. Chocolate brown orbs conveying deep emotions at those baby blues that held such feeling.
'I've missed you so much.'
'I'm right here.'
"Thank you. I think it's passed." Olivia stated. But Amanda didn't move. Keeping her arm tightly secured around Liv. The younger detective was opening her mouth to speak before a loud knock shook them out of their trance.
"Are you alright in there? It's nurse Glenda."
Olivia, already annoyed with the staff, replied abrasively, "Yes!"
Amanda added, "We're coming right out."
When they opened the door, the nurse took the urine cup and by the time the women were back in the room, the charged moment had passed.
Hours later and thankfully, every test had been negative. Liv was badly bruised but luckily that's all it was, nothing was broken, just like Liv had stated.
McGrath had come by to check on Liv and spew his stupidity, or at least thats how Amanda thought of it. He was surprised to see her there. "You already regretting leaving SVU, Rollins?"
"No, sir. Just here for support." She coldly replied. She couldn't stand that guy. Luckily for them he was only there a brief moment in which Olivia couldn't stop repeating just how well she was. And how she was going after BX9. This made Amanda incredibly nervous. So many emotions running through her. Truth was, she was regretting quitting SVU but not for the reasons McGrath would think. She wanted to find these guys and make them pay for touching Liv. She wanted to protect her closest friend.
She was given her discharge just as Amanda got off the phone with Fin. Olivia couldn't help but slightly overhear Amanda's conversation.
"So you and Noah are coming with me tonight." The women were collecting their things and walking out.
"Amanda, no. You know that I'm perfectly capable of taking care of my son."
"I don't doubt that, Liv. But if you stay in your place you know you won't get any sleep."
"There are officers here and back at my place. Take a look, I'm surrounded." Olivia protested but Amanda wasn't having it.
"They know where you live. They came after you with Noah." Amanda was solemn.
"You don't have to remind me." Olivia stopped walking and turned to the blonde. "I am not putting you and the girls in danger."
"You're not. They're at my moms for a week. She took them and Frannie to Disney so I could settle into my new job."
"What about Carisi?"
"He's away also. He's in Maryland for that case with the Greenlights."
Olivia stood her ground.
Amanda continued, "Look, if you don't wanna leave yours I'll just come stay with you. It's up to you to decide."
"You have so much on your plate right now. Besides you're supposed to be making a fresh start and…"
"Liv, do you really want to be alone with Noah right now? Or I can get Fin if you prefer."
"No." Olivia shook her head as she looked down.
Amanda approached her gently, "Do it for me. I'll rest easier knowing that you and Noah are with me and out of your place."
Olivia locked eyes with her once more. Too exhausted to fight the blonde anymore, "Okay. We will stay with you."
Olivia had argued with her former detective that her only condition in staying with her, was that Amanda get some sleep. Olivia knew that sleeping would be out of the question for her, regardless. No need for two adults to be awake and on duty when they were surrounded by police outside Amanda's apartment. She had also decided that Noah would be going away the following day. She spoke to Fin before he left Amanda's apartment. She called the McCann family, Noah's brother's parents, and they immediately agreed to let the boy stay with them until needed.
Amanda wasn't entirely surprised when Liv pulled out a sturdy refile after they settled Noah in Jessie and Billie's room. With anguish she looked upon her as she stood in the hall; Olivia sat with said weapon across her lap, like Carol Peletier waiting for an attack. Amanda knew that trying to talk her out of it was a moot point so she went to bed.
The following day Olivia sent Noah away as planned. She hated doing so but felt it was the only way to keep him safe. Amanda insisted she return to her apartment after her investigation that day so Olivia left a uniform outside of Amanda's (and now she supposed Carisi's) place. Amanda only had one class that day yet her students seemed uncomfortable as they eyed the officer following her, oddly. So she made a joke of it during class that, 'once you stepped into a life of criminal investigation it would haunt you for life.'
That night Olivia sat herself back on the same chair, with the same rifle.
"Do you really think that's necessary?"
Olivia looked up at her with her black and blue left eye as if Amanda was the densest person alive.
"Jeez, if looks could kill. Forget I asked. Goodnight." The blonde was at least comforted that Olivia didn't argue with staying at hers again.
It was 2:15 am and Olivia had dozed off less than an hour before. She heard the faint musings of a whimper but she was exhausted and didn't let it fully wake her. That was until she heard a scream. Sharp and feminine that startled her wide awake. She jumped up, rifle in hands, as she cautiously approached Amanda's room.
"Amanda?" She gently called out.
"Liv." The blonde sounded distressed as she called out to her.
Olivia threw the door open as she quickly scanned the room. She ran to the window and checked that it was locked and in two steps checked the girls room and the front door. Amanda was calling out to her but she was on a mission.
When she came back in, finally taking a breath and lowering her rifle, she took in the situation.
Amanda's tear streaked cheeks were red, with hands sprawled on the bed as if she'd been fighting something because her sheets were all twisted in a bunch. She was panting heavily.
"No one is here. Nightmare." She barely got out.
"Can I get you a glass of water?"
Olivia was already half way out the door when the woman called out to her, "Don't go."
There was something about her tone that made Olivia's heart ache. She approached the younger woman as she sat on the bed beside her.
Amanda reached out for her, taking her hands and studying her. She was anxious.
"Amanda, honey, are you okay?"
"Liv!" The name came out in the breath of a sob. Amanda frantically reached for her, crushing her body against her in a painful embrace.
Olivia held her tightly despite the painful protests from her injuries. The last time she'd seen Amanda this vulnerable was when she'd shot Esther.
"Shush. It's okay, it's okay. It was just a nightmare."
But Amanda's entire body was shaking with her tears.
Olivia was genuinely worried because Amanda seemed to be getting worse. "Honey, what was it? What did you dream?"
Amanda slightly pulled back to look at her, "You're here," she sobbed incredulously.
Olivia slightly leaned down, trying to maintain eye contact, now wondering how much of Amanda was still asleep. "Of course I'm here."
But Amanda shook her head, "No."
"Amanda, I'm right here." She stated kindly but a little firmer.
Amanda pulled her back into her body tightly. "But you weren't."
"Honey, I'm right here."
"No, you don't understand, Liv. I saw…I saw them kill you."
Olivia stiffened up at those words. Praying Amanda was dreaming of her attack from the night before and not some twisted premonition of the future. Olivia unconsciously held her tighter as she pulled them to sit against the headboard. She felt a chill run through her body. Right then, she decided she would do anything she had to in order to take down BX9.
She thought of the woman lying in her arms. She couldn't imagine that Amanda would be this upset over a nightmare about her. But then again, Olivia remembers how she felt when Amanda had been shot. She was petrified. Frozen even. She could barely talk to the unconscious woman as silent tears perpetually spilled down her face when she lay in that hospital bed.
"I can't lose you," the blonde muttered lazily, as sleep threatened to overtake her.
'I can't lose you.' Olivia closed her eyes for those were the same exact words she'd uttered in that hospital room while holding her hand.
Olivia had been frightened too many times in her life to count them. But there had been two times in particular, where the fear had not been her own, for she was not entirely afraid for herself. Those two incidents were when Noah was taken by Sheila, and more recent, when Amanda had been shot. She rationalized now that Amanda's current reaction was perfectly normal and reasonable. So she did the only thing she wished Amanda could have done for her. She wanted the blonde then, to have woken up and told her everything was going to be okay. So she did just that. "Amanda, I am not going anywhere and no one is going to kill me. I promise you."
If it was even possible, she felt Amanda's arms tighten their hold, before exhaustion and her beaten body gave in to the sly entrancement of sleep.
Olivia and Amanda must of slid further down the bed throughout the night to lay prone. Upon waking, Liv was still facing up, Amanda, no longer tightly woven into her, simply lay an arm over her abdomen.
The alarm was blaring.
Amanda objected to it's intrusive and shrill inducing music, "Turn it off." She waved her hand over Liv but she couldn't reach it. Olivia had left her phone charging on Amanda's nightstand before she sat watch in the living room. She'd meant to grab it before morning but alas, she didn't expect to be spending the night sleeping in Amanda's bed.
"I got it." Olivia swiped right to snooze the offense as Amanda rubbed her bloodshot eyes and turned to lay on her back.
"What time is it?"
"Time for me to go get BX9."
At her statement, Amanda was fully awake. "What are you gonna do, Liv?"
"The same thing I did yesterday. I need to find Oscar Papa."
Olivia was grateful Amanda had pre-set the coffee machine and that she actually got some hours of sleep. Godwilling, she would put an end to this today and get Noah back home. Although, admittedly, last night, although unnerving, was somehow comforting as well. She missed Amanda and the comfort only another adult's warm body could offer. She shook those thoughts out of her mind as she readied herself for the day ahead.
Olivia screamed in anger and frustration at the rape tree. For never before in all her career had she come across such an atrocity.
Hours later, after chasing their tails, they were back at the tree attempting to collect any shred of DNA that they could. Munsey was furious with Duarte and Olivia was rather enjoying the show.
The chief and Olivia had their own battle to fight over the phone and before McGrath hung up he added a coy, "Oh and Olivia? You're welcome."
"What?"
As if on cue, Rollins came around the bend speaking of a lead with Fin.
"Amanda? What are you doing here?" Olivia sounded rather accusatory.
The older woman felt completely thrown. After the night they had she wasn't expecting to see the detective until the end of her day. She was counting on some distance because she felt there were some things she had to sort through when it came to her closest friend.
"McGrath re-instated me. I'm here to help you work the case."
Before she could say a word she heard the infuriating Captain behind her trying to direct the detectives his way. She made a mental note to pick this up later.
The entire day was a heap of cat and mouse. Not to mention, the compassionate reunion of the boy who attempted to kill her with his estranged mother.
Fin and Amanda were off on their own, back at the station, trying a new lead on Papa.
Odafin Tutuola was extremely happy to have his old partner back but he was also exceedingly confused.
"Alright Mand, so what gives?"
The blonde had her head deep in reports. "What gives what?"
Fin lowered the current report in her hand, forcing her to look him in the eye, "What-a-you doin here?"
"Trying to solve this case." She said this so matter of factly it made him feel stupid.
"Naw, why are you here? Don't get me wrong. I couldn't be happier if I won a scratch-off. But shouldn't you be out grading papers, or having dinner with Carisi?"
Amanda went back to her paperwork, "You saw what they did to her. Hell, you called me."
"Uh huh."
"She's my best friend, Fin."
"You see, now I'm hurt. I thought I was your best friend."
Amanda finally cracked a smile. She had been wound up so tight all day her ass checks hurt.
"It's not fifth grade, I can have more than one."
"Shit, you better." Fin perceived so much more than he was ever given credit for. He was happy for Amanda and Carisi- more for Amanda if he was being honest. Except in the short time they had been married it seemed Amanda spent more time away from him than together. He knew Amanda cared for Sonny deeply. He just couldn't wrap his head around them being a romantic couple. When he looked at Amanda he saw fire, just like Liv. When he looked at Carisi he saw a simple stone. Reliable? Sure. Trying to plunder it's way through the world? Most certainly. But he was no blazing fire. He supposed that was the attraction, opposites attract and all. In the end though, he didn't buy it. Never-the-less he was not a prying man and decided to drop whatever thoughts were threatening to creep to the surface.
By the end of the day after Duarte's lovely empathy comments, Liv was done. Except she didn't know where to go. She missed her bed, the comfort of her own home. But if she was being honest with herself, she wasn't safe there yet, despite all the officers. Plus, she feared Amanda would drag her back if she tried to leave.
Part of her was looking forward to seeing her. The other part of her just wanted some peace and quiet.
Liv, looked at the time and called Fin, "Are you two still working?"
"Yeah, what's up?"
"No, nothing. Just need a few to myself."
He walked away, "Gotcha." Fin knew Olivia was staying at Amanda's and given the sensitive nature of the case needed some alone time. "You wanna crash at my place?"
"Why? So Amanda can arrest us both?"
He chuckled out loud, "Yeah, you got a point there. That girl right there, she loves you. We all do." He quickly added, not sure of why he even went there.
Olivia smiled to herself. She thought she had lost Amanda but thus far, the woman was proving to her that she wasn't going anywhere.
"Yeah. I'll talk to you later."
Olivia arrived at Amanda's apartment with her personal key that Amanda had given her years ago.
She took a deep breath and set the few groceries down. Only stopping to pull out the bottle of wine and serve herself a very deep glass. She sat there, eyes closed, taking sips of her Cabernet in silence and it felt great. She didn't know how long she sat there but she didn't even bother to turn on the lights.
When Amanda came in she immediately called out to her, "Liv?"
"Over here." Olivia instantly pouring Amanda a glass.
"Woah hey. Who caught the bad guy? We celebrating?"
"More like forgetting."
Amanda detected the slightest of slurs at the end of her sentence. It wasn't surprising. Olivia had mostly been awake for the better part of 48 hours. Her body was hurting, she was emotionally drained and she likely hadn't been eating much. As a matter of fact Amanda realized she had yet to see the other woman eat anything.
Amanda noticed the groceries on the floor, "Whatcha got there?"
"I thought I would cook, but then I sat down."
Despite the situation Amanda was amused with her tone and realized Liv must have intended to make an Italian dinner judging by the ingredients in the bag.
"Well, lucky for you. I happen to have picked up some Italian cooking."
"From your Italian husband?" Olivia didn't know why there was an extra bite to her tone.
"That'a be the one," Amanda chirped like she didn't' have a care in the world yet feeling her face flush as she moved into the kitchen to boil some water. Suddenly feeling incredibly guilty for some reason.
Olivia stood up with a sigh and followed her into the kitchen. "Amanda, what are you doing?"
"I'm making us dinner."
"You know that's not what I'm talking about. Are you really gonna make me work for it?"
"You know why, Liv. If the shoe was on the other foot you'd do the same for me." Amanda looked over her shoulder when she said this. Olivia went silent at the realization that the smart-ass was right.
At dinner they barely said a word to one another. Olivia was emotionally spent and she felt as if she had no more brain cells to rub together but the wine and her tongue ran away with her thoughts, "Are you happy?"
"It hasn't even been a week."
"And yet, you're back at SVU."
Amanda looked hurt, "Do you not want me there?"
Olivia closed her eyes and sighed. Chastising herself for opening the door because she knew right now this was not a good idea, "Of course, I do. How can you even ask me that?"
Amanda stopped eating and looked down at her food, "I'm sorry about last night. I don't know why I was so…" 'inconsolable? A cry-baby? Needy?' These were all thoughts that rang in Amanda's mind but Liv was reaching out for her before she could self deprecate out loud.
"Frightened? Amanda, are you okay?"
"Has Stabler called?" Amanda knew this was a low blow but she couldn't help but redirect the conversation away from herself.
"What?"
"Stabler. You know I worked a case with him, a couple weeks ago."
Olivia couldn't help now being the one retreating into herself. "He knows what happened. He's busy working a case."
Amanda would have scaled the earth to reach Olivia if she were in his shoes.
Olivia suddenly shook herself out of her slight stupor, "Amanda, what the hell is going on?!" Now she was just angry because she felt her closest friend was playing games with her and they were right back to the motel. And why would she bring up Stabler?
"I…" Amanda hesitated then abruptly stood up and went away to the bedroom.
Olivia was too unhinged to care for her own actions. So she followed Amanda right in, not even bothering to knock.
Olivia leaned heavily against the door as she watched the blonde dig a ditch with her pacing.
Amanda had done it now. She couldn't run away, Frannie wasn't even here to bail her out with 'a much needed walk.' At the same time she was so incredibly frustrated with herself and with Liv for this line of questioning.
"How did you feel?"
"What?"
Amanda approached Olivia with heavy stomps, "How did you feel when I was lying on that hospital room, fighting for my life?"
The older woman was not expecting this kind of question and under the scrutiny of those fiery blue eyes she had to turn away. She sat on the bed contemplating the question.
"Amanda, it's been a hell of a week. Why are you asking me this?"
"Why are you avoiding the question?" Amanda demanded much harsher than she intended.
"How the hell do you think I felt? I felt exactly like you did last night!"
Amanda slowly and ever so gently kneeled in front of Olivia, never breaking eye contact, "Exactly."
In a cascade of pictures and moments, realization dawned upon the Captain. Playing like a continuous reel in her mind: crying babies, sleepless nights, lunches and dinners, children playing, children falling, road trips and play dates, grieving nights and hopeful days, days in the park and nights on the couch, cases and bloodshed, victories and shame, fights and makeups, vices and family drama and more until her mind singularly stopped at the memory of a handshake, "Hi, I'm detective Amanda Rollins."
Olivia couldn't take her glossy eyes off of Amanda's.
The blonde slowly stood up and made her way around the bed. Olivia turning to face her when she lay down. Amanda now feeling some of the weight she'd been carrying around, slightly lifted.
Olivia didn't know if the alcohol coursing through her system was a truth serum in disguise but she found her eyes searching for revelations in Amanda's baby blues and her hand reaching out to cup her cheek as she lay next to her.
Amanda immediately mirrored the same movement. Silent, salty tears streaking down her face.
Olivia couldn't control her tears as she half chuckled in amazement of herself.
Her eyes involuntarily drifting to Amanda's wanting lips. The blonde feeling Olivia's gaze like fire upon her skin, "We can't." Amanda sighed.
Olivia closed her eyes, willing her emotions to gain some semblance of control.
"Why did you marry him?" She whispered so quietly, Amanda barely heard it.
"Because I didn't know."
Olivia acknowledged this statement in it's entirety and could understand it completely. For how could she have been such a fool herself? How could she not have seen it? Some detective she was.
"Let me hold you?" Olivia asked shyly.
Amanda couldn't speak as she simply turned her body away, feeling Olivia's strong arms immediately envelop her.
Amanda was overtaken immediately by quiet tears. She felt Olivia press a kiss to the back of her head. Knowing, that although on the outside they appeared as two friends comforting each other, in reality they were so much more. Amanda, had been many things in her life but until now, a cheater wasn't one of them.
Olivia felt her brain about to explode and her body ignite with all the thoughts and emotions coursing through her veins.
Her hands took on a life of their own as she rubbed Amanda's left arm, trying to calm Amanda's jerking movements. Amanda was quietly sobbing. Feeling a despair she believed only existed for old tragic poets. Amanda had been battling her emotions for days now, perhaps her entire lifetime with the older detective. But not for once did she believe Olivia returned the sentiment. Amanda had been ready to put it all away. Chuck it all off to a newlywed's cold feet and a childish crush that was completely misplaced. But the other night, when she'd had her nightmare, Olivia destroyed any possibility of that happening. She doubted the brunette knew what she'd done, even herself.
For under the cloak of night, while being held in her arms with Olivia's breath but a feathery whisper upon her ear, she declared in earnest, "I can't live without you. Amanda, I love you." The blonde had immediately jerked, turning her face to the older woman. But Olivia was sound asleep. Her breathing slow, her lips slightly parted. Lips that Amanda was desperate to taste. The blonde settled down again. Anguish and betrayal in her soul for how could this possibly be happening. Everything she'd ever wanted, all she'd ever dreamed or hoped for lay in her arms. And the woman wasn't even aware.
Now, again in her arms, Amanda cried not only for herself but for Olivia. Because despite thinking she could keep Liv in the dark, she couldn't lie to her. Not after everything they'd been through. And Amanda knew, that even though her soul was tearing in half, she could never be with her. Tonight, under the shadow of the moon, desperately holding on to one another, was all they would ever have.