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Unfamiliar feelings.
That’s exactly what they were, there were no words he had to describe such a thing, other than that it was entirely foreign, never felt before by the likes of himself.
Even if Aesop didn’t understand why, or how it had begun, it seemed that this particular embalmer did not want it to stop.
Sure, it felt like he’d been set ablaze every time it pinched him, like he’d been engulfed in this uncertainty and nervousness, like it’d been killing him where he stood. However, it was far from unpleasant.
The jittery feeling was like some sort of ecstasy, like receiving it again made him want to melt into nothing at all. It was wonderful, but the cause of the warmth coursing through his chest made him confused, very confused.
Being a complete stranger to the feelings, he didn’t know how to take that first unknown sensation in his chest, burning him like the touch of fire.
His initial encounter with the tension was a day in the manor like any other. A vivid memory, a soundless but peaceful encounter, a pair of young men sharing a few moments together at the manor’s garden. Surely, Aesop thought it’d be just the two of them with the considerably late night it had been, and he was right. Though it didn’t seem strange to either of them, nor awkward. The two had been in each other's presence alone countless times before, to the point where Aesop had learned to become comfortable near him, gaining a sense of calmness every time Eli would speak to him in his delicate tone. Needlessly to say, he was making him feel this way.
The embalmer only believed himself to be very fond of Eli and nothing more, for the seer was the only one that actively made an effort to speak to him, to make an understanding with, and Eli had always been so patient, so gentle with him as if he were precious. That made Aesop feel very nice, he quickly took a liking to the other man for the way he treated him, for the way he was suddenly seen as an equal after never experiencing such a thing throughout both his childhood and adulthood.
Aesop’s strong dislike for the living made him rather uninterested in forming a bond with Eli at the start, however with time and patience, A fascination strong enough that Aesop was very adamant about finding him very kind and rather lovely.
There was never a time in which Eli grew frustrated with him or revolted to his behaviors that were considered odd by many, and of course, this made him feel immense happiness, all from a member of the living which admittedly surprised him that it was even possible for someone else to understand him, let alone make an attempt to.
So what exactly did these feelings mean? It attacked him, but in a way that it felt good , gentle but so aggressive at the same time. Like nothing could make him grasp what the meaning of all this sudden influx of emotions meant.
How could Aesop shake off the way Eli looked at him? A way that made his heart feel like it was going to escape from his chest, as if he had been the only other human in the world. He couldn’t put together why exactly it made him feel the way he did, why he could feel his face get hotter the more Eli would tell him how wonderful he believed him to be, why he felt as if he could implode at the sudden thought of even showing him some of his newly found feelings physically.
Perhaps it was nothing more than his brain trying to process how a living person could make him feel such intensity, surely that was it and it had been beyond impossible for him to have intentions he wasn’t even aware of, intentions that were far beyond anything he ever believed himself to be capable of, intentions with… Affections for him. Oh how he’d be the luckiest to be given a chance to embalm such a gorgeous young man he’d often think to himself. Eli was just too ethereal to be among the living, that beautiful face and heart deserved to find his peace.
It simply did not click for him where the desires could have been coming from, for it was certainly absent through all of his life up until this particular point, he thought that if he felt it sooner than now he would understand, but he hadn’t, giving him not a singular clue.
It had to be because no one else had treated him in such a way before, perhaps some sort of attachment that was built on account of his trust for Eli, likely, that was the extent of it, right?
He had no other choice but to pretend it wasn’t there.
No matter how out of the ordinary it was to feel, he would not let it get in the way of the only positive relationship he had managed to form with another person, even if it somewhat pained him not to know what it meant beyond the surface of the emotions.
At least, again, that’s what Aesop told himself.
The next time he saw Eli was through a subtle knock on his own door, one sent gently as he knew Aesop did not often like to be disturbed.
“Who is it?” Aesop replied curiously, though the answer to his question was quite obvious, for nobody else would even bother to pay him a visit other than the seer.
A calm voice met with his, one free of judgment or flaw despite it sounding muffled against the door. “It’s Eli… Is this a bad time?” He asked politely.
Truthfully, for Aesop it was never a bad time, however he’d make it seem like it was in order to get him out of a situation at times, though never with Eli of course. His fingers ran across the metal lock, the only thing that bordered the two of them, giving into the temptations to pull the handle forward.
Searching for that feeling he got in his chest when he was around him, pleading for it to return and give him that warm tension he so very much liked to feel, he caved once again and opened the door, a hooded man at an average stature behind it.
Eli seemed pleased to hear the door open as his cheeks lifted from a gentle smile across his face. Aesop had to note that he still wore the cloak he would in any other day, though considering the late hour it wasn’t expected. Surely that was not something that was comfortable to spend an evening in.
“Do you need something?”
“Oh, I just wanted to visit, that’s all. I didn’t think you would mind having a chat, but if you find yourself with your hands full I understand,”
The seer’s hands dropped to his sides as he inched a bit forward.
“Come in.” Put directly, the embalmer stepped to the side to invite him into his room, wasting absolutely no time to pay him a response.
It wasn’t the first time he’d been welcomed in, per usual it was as empty but neat as anticipated. Eli was the only one that had been in his room before, Aesop was not comfortable with anyone else entering. The room itself wasn’t anything special, a bed closed in with a small table and desk while a couch sheathing a large carpet consumed most of the center, it felt generic, but to Aesop it was comfortable enough for him to withstand his time at the manor.
Carefully stepping foot into his room, Eli sauntered himself to the couch where he sat, leaving a space that was plenty for the other man to have a seat next to him.
It didn’t take long for Eli to pull his hood down and remove his blindfold. They'd seen each other without their respective masks plenty times, though for some reason Aesop’s eyes flicked back and forth to Eli, then to the floor, as if he were some sort of mirage he couldn’t take his eyes off of.
Eli appeared to be so peaceful around him, there was not an ounce of fear, only signs of respect. He had never been any form of scared or frightened near Aesop, another thing he had noticed.
Aesop loved the way he smiled at him, the way bits of his brown hair would curl at the ends and how his gentle eyes would always meet his own when they shared a glance. He looked just so wonderful he could barely put it into words.
Sometimes he wondered if there too were little things Eli would see from him, though he was blind, the seer was far more in tune with his surroundings than anyone he’d ever come across, always able to tell when he’d become flustered or nervous just with a single finger on his fair skin. Despite it being so embarrassing having someone around that always seemed to know what you were thinking, it was comforting. Eli’s intuition left so much room for empathy, there wasn’t a need for Aesop to explain the things he was feeling as if the other already knew.
“What’s wrong? Are you staring at me, Aesop?”
His voice seemed to snap him out of his trance and send him into disarray. A bit ashamed, Aesop didn’t respond for a moment or two, averting his gaze to the floor like he’d done something horribly wrong.
“How did you know?”
“I can tell when I’m being looked at, it doesn’t have anything to do with my senses, it’s more of a feeling,” He replied, his expression complimented with a small smile and not an ounce of discomfort.
“I’m sorry.” Was all he could think to say in response.
“Don’t be sorry, I don’t mind, but between you and me, if it were anyone else I would.”
His last few words ended in a whisper, leaning forward to Aesop as if he had told him a secret.
The feeling in his chest ruptured once more, an incomparable sensation that made him feel as if he were to drop dead right there. He couldn’t describe how it made him feel to know that Eli felt comfortable around him, unable to understand what was so intriguing about himself that made the man so kind to him, all he knew for certain was that he liked it very much when his friend said such things to him.
It was the same emotion he had felt countless times before, but this time he felt a growing warmth on his face.
Aesop’s speechless reaction seemed to crack a couple of snickers from the seer, he knew that Eli had already discovered he was flustered by his comment.
“Oh Aesop, you make me laugh,” There was a small pause. “I see I make you embarrassed often, I want you to know it’s not my intention,”
A playful hand rested on Aesop’s shoulder, one that was cautious in order to not alarm him, a touch that was welcome and seemed to make him smile a bit.
“It’s okay,” He replied, shifting his hands together, but why? Out of nervousness, perhaps?
The way he had suddenly felt like he could burst so many emotions at once had him grow nervous and furthermore confused.
It seemed that whenever he did as little as share a space with him his heart started to race, the more he thought about it the more he could draw himself to the conclusion that he had a growing loyalty to Eli. Compassion and kindness had felt so scarce in this world, maybe now that he found it he never wanted to let it go, to let him go.
Now that he had managed to cultivate a close bond with someone he couldn’t imagine leaving the manor, there wasn’t a place he could think of where he’d rather be, but surely, that was because Eli was a good friend to him and nothing more.
“Aesop, I actually had a question for you, I hope you don’t mind me asking something a bit personal,”
His full attention was now on Eli, a small curious head tilt and silence as he awaited for him to speak first. “Go ahead,”
Eli seemed a bit nervous to speak, as if he didn’t want to jab at a touchy subject by accident, but after a deep breath he continued.
“Is there a reason why you decide to keep your time to yourself in the manor? The only person I’ve seen you speak to outside of your room is me, though don’t take it the wrong way as I am not complaining!”
“I don’t like the living.” The blunt attitude and tone seemed to catch the seer off guard, causing him to collect himself so he could reword his question.
“I know, Aesop… I just thought I’d ask if there was a deeper meaning to your disinterest in others… And apparent interest in me, as I’m not sure what makes me the exception… but if that’s something you’re not willing to share I will not push any further…”
The gray haired man stopped himself from saying another word, he didn’t know exactly how to tell Eli the displeasures of his early life that gave him an obvious bias on where he spends his time. Clasping his hands together while slightly dropping his head to face his lap, uneasiness festered within him, but not in the way that he didn’t want to share with Eli.
“Well... As for you specifically, that’s a hard question to answer since I’m not entirely sure myself—”
The once calm voice had suddenly faded, infested with a nervousness from the subject. He started off with the easiest part of Eli’s question to answer, but knew he would nudge him for the rest of it.
“That’s okay— And as for others?”
A tempted feeling smothering it all out of him in order to grow closer to his friend burned as if it were to just consume him, he knew Eli would never force him to say anything, but his heart pleaded for release while his head restricted him from saying another word.
Nonetheless, he would break through the theoretical chains, but first he’d had to get past the painful silence of his throat. When he tried to speak it felt as if nothing came out, not even a squeak, the only thing he could think of holding him back was his fear of judgment along with the terror that came with not being understood.
“Is it because… You were treated cruelly?”
Or maybe Aesop was wrong, he could understand.
There he went again, predicting Aesop’s feelings before he could even be given a chance to share. Once more, he wasn’t opposed to it as it was giving him less words to say and more of a reason to stay quiet.
“I suppose that you could say that… When I attended school it was rather unpleasant for me.”
Eli carefully inched closer to him, making sure he wasn’t so near it would make him uncomfortable. Aesop noticed his face was overturned with dismay, like he could feel the pain he experienced by simply thinking about it. Even though the treatment he faced for his behaviors were not a full explanation for his current mindset, it was certainly the beginning of the path he took.
“Do not feel obligated to say another word, Aesop,”
“It is alright,” He muttered in response, taking a few deep breaths.
Aesop began to speak again, this time leaving out no detail of his early life. He didn’t know if it was too much to bear for Eli, or as if he had been oversharing, but he knew that it was hard to even mention let alone talk about to the point he felt like he’d been stumbling over his words through it all.
However, not only was it difficult, it was.. relieving to get off of his chest. Aesop hadn’t ever had the opportunity to have a heart to heart like this before, he was thankful to have someone to talk to rather than just keeping it all bottled up and sealed internally. For all these years, that’s what he truly thought he wanted, but he regretted feeling that way as of now.
Aesop had never felt a strong desire to have a friend as he was so close and comfortable with the dead, but now that he considered Eli to be very dear to him he didn’t want that to slip out of his hands. Part of him feared that he’d be uninterested or would think less of him for the struggles of his childhood, and his autism, but when he relayed the truth he only held one expression on his face which was only plainly sad for the treatment he received.
And that made him feel a little bit bad, considering Aesop didn’t want to make him sad or invite Eli to pity him due to the natures of cruelty he continues to experience from others even now.
As attentive to him as he was from the beginning, there was that same remorse on Eli’s face as expected. A hand reached for Aesop, one that was heedful and gently rested on the roof of his palm.
Face reddening once more at the touch under his mask, Aesop didn’t know what exactly to say, and neither did the other it so seemed for a brief moment.
“I’m so sorry,” Eli apologized.
“Why? You are not responsible for the actions of others.” He questioned, hand still trembling as he realized Eli was still holding it.
“I mean that I’m sorry that happened, you are a kind man Aesop, nobody deserves that kind of treatment even if you weren’t.”
Kind..? Certainly that was not a word anyone had ever used to describe him before, shaking his head he continued to protest. Sometimes, he even felt like maybe he deserved it, but then again, what a harsh and barbaric thing to admit into a child’s head.
“...I can understand both sides to it. There’s evidently something wrong with me after all, humans have the natural instinct to reject anything or anyone that is different from them especially when they are very young and do not understand well—”
“Aesop,”
His hand was lifted from the sofa, now clasped between both of Eli’s palms as he ran his fingers delicately over it.
“There is nothing wrong with you.”
There again his heart started to pound with an aggression in his chest, butterflies bubbling around in his stomach with the intention to kill, at least that’s how it felt like.
Swirling as his gaze and body softened into what felt like a trance of eye contact, it was almost as if there was steam from the heated smile on his face hidden by the surgical mask he had on. Aesop was so flustered it was overwhelming, suddenly falling into panic thinking he was having a heart attack of some sort.
With his free hand, he gripped onto the cushion he was sitting on, creating a tension he knew Eli could notice.
“Are you alright…? You feel very hot,”
He snapped out of the mesmerization he was once feeling, now just plainly embarrassed at his sudden change of demeanor that may or may not have alarmed the other man.
“Yes, yes, I’m fine…”
That was a lie. He did not feel fine at all. In fact, he felt very discomposed.
“You don’t sound sure, you can be honest with me, Aesop.”
A small tilt of his head and concerned frown only seemed to make it worse. All he could think about in that short moment was how much he yearned to do more than just hold his hand.
These strange thoughts continued to plague him, it felt so wrong to have the desire to put his lips on another man’s but he couldn’t stop thinking about it no matter how hard he tried.
“... I feel… Weird…”
Aesop’s voice began to twist, mumbling as if it were fragile and about to break.
“Weird? You’d have to be more specific, are you sick?”
“I… Don’t know…”
Clearly these responses were not any kind of helpful to Eli, tightening his grip on Aesop’s hand he pried further to discover the meaning of the nervous behavior.
“Can you explain to me what it feels like?”
Aesop had to take a minute to think about how exactly he’d put it into words, it seemed like he started to unintentionally speak regardless of where his head was at, perhaps that was because of his impatience to give the other an answer.
“Feverish… My heart is beating so fast… But it’s not distressful, no… I like it.”
It was that response that made Eli start to get confused.
“You like it? How often do you feel like this?”
“A lot…”
“Hmm…”
There was a pause in their dialogue for several more moments, the silence felt like it was strangling Aesop and he needed to say something and now to fix the awkwardness he felt.
But little did he know, that would only make it much, much worse.
“Around you…”
…
“Oh…”
And as of now, he believed giving Eli the full disclosure of his feelings as he just did was a bit unnecessary.
He couldn’t fathom why he said that. He felt so foolish and naïve for letting it slip so easily from his lips like it wasn’t practically life or death to him. Eli’s initial reaction had terrified him, clearly caught entirely off guard by the confession he was practically speechless. He wanted to just die then and there.
“Aesop, do you have feelings for me…?”
Straight to the point.
He watched as Eli’s cheeks reddened by the question he had just asked, making him a bit more restless. Speechless and out of breath, Aesop stared for a moment before turning away, eyes now on the floor in absolutely nothing but pure and utter embarrassment.
The truth was Aesop didn’t know how to respond, he had never felt anything even similar to this before which caged him from deciphering if what he was feeling was love or not.
But then when he recalled the way he’d unknowingly look at him, the heat on his face he’d get when Eli said sweet things to him or touched him, how unrecognizable it was to him and at the same time how addictive it felt. The way he craved being around him for more and more of that ecstatic feeling had no other explanation, Aesop was just afraid to admit it, and he knew that.
“Is that bad?”
Eli’s face only seemed to increase in vibrance.
“No, no it’s not bad… Can you take off your mask?”
Confused again at the sudden request, his eyebrows upturned, riddled with perplexion.
“Why?”
“Please?”
Contrary to exactly what Eli asked of him, he didn’t take it off, only pulling it down to his chin and awaiting for his reaction patiently. He wasn’t sure why anything he said would’ve prompted Eli to want to see him without it, but then again he found it fair considering the other had taken his off as soon as he walked in the door.
Unexpectedly, Eli’s free hand grazed the side of Aesop’s face like he was caressing something precious, softly thumbing his cheek which made him very disordered and blowsy.
“I…” His voice ejected a stutter at the sudden close contact, it alarmed him, though he wasn’t exactly opposed to it.
“You can tell me to stop and I will if you want,” He offered, his movements still very timely.
Aesop felt jolts of electricity impact him as Eli touched his face, he could feel himself leaning into his gentle touching slowly as it went on. He was never used to any sort of affection, especially physical which made him so daunted, but oh, how he loved it. Especially from him .
“Please don’t..”
And he didn’t, both their faces painted a deep shade of red as Eli only drew closer to him, which Aesop happily welcomed, still flushing like a rose.
Their touches only escalated further, Eli holding their faces close to one another while the tips of their noses touched. Aesop couldn’t help but feel more infatuated as the seconds went by, the other’s hands moving down to his shoulders. Turning beet red, sudden affections topped him with confusion, body still shaking as a leaf from the adrenaline from how physical Eli had become with him. What did he do to deserve the sudden influx of attention? Had it… pleased the other man to know that his feelings were much more complex then he had originally anticipated?
It started to feel even more intense and warm, the way he held the sides of his arms as he kept his eyes up at Aesop was impassioned, gentle, even. Heart thumping overbearingly as if it were about to burst from his chest, it didn’t feel real how close they were.
Eli started to lean forward, eyelids already beginning to drop.
Stopping in place, Aesop gave in as well.
As the gap between their lips closed, a tense, smoldering sensation felt like it had just erupted inside of him, like it had been nothing more than the most fervent feeling he’d ever had.
Wrists trembling as their lips pressed together, Aesop didn’t want it to stop, the way his chest tossed and turned at the feeling of Eli kissing him made him feel so lovesick. He wanted to do it a million times more, or better, to never let go. He had never kissed anyone before, at least not until now, which left absolutely no reaction to be had due to his inexperience.
As they pulled away, it felt like it ended so soon, but Aesop knew well how embarrassing it would be to ask for another.
Eli placed a hand over his again, the crimson color on his face spreading like a plague as he looked awaitingly at the embalmer, but once again, he was at a loss for words.
Eli’s eyes fluttered in an attempt to break the stare as he snickered and changed the direction of his gaze. “Oh my, I didn’t cross a boundary did I?” He asked, an awkwardness in his voice.
“No…” Aesop slipped out, still processing the kiss and reliving every second of it.
There were so many questions bubbling around in the room it felt almost suffocating from the rush, and one singular sentence seemed to answer them all.
“Please do not feel ashamed of feeling things for another person or believe it to be bad… I feel a very similar way to you, after all…”
Turning away as the strong intoxicating sensation hit him hard once more, Aesop’s grip onto the other man’s hand grew tighter. The way Eli looked at him and smiled sweetly from the exhilaration of their affections for each other made Aesop feel weak.
The vehemence of his emotions were once so overwhelming, but now that Eli knew about his feelings he was much more at peace with them, even if he still couldn’t entirely make a complete understanding to all of it.
But he didn’t feel the need to know exactly what it all meant, for love was a very complicated experience that was both ecstatic and unforgiving at once.
Just maybe feeling it could be enough.