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Crowley didn't want to return to London, had sworn he wouldn't. But he had to. Because he knew that when Heaven betrayed Aziraphale, he'd need Crowley. And as mad and hurt as Crowley was, he was even more afraid for Aziraphale were that to happen.
So he put aside his grief, and drove back to Soho, keeping stoic to hide his tears.
He parked in front of the bookshop. Looking up at the building, at the lettering on A.Z. Fell, his mind swam with memories.
And then, the worst one. The day Aziraphale rejected him.
A sorrowful sigh escaped his lips. This was a mistake. He couldn't do this.
He looked away, turning his key in the ignition. He put his hand on the clutch —
Knock knock knock.
He turned back to the window. Maggie was leaning over, peering in on him. He rolled down the window.
"You were out of town for a long time. I was worried. Are you alright?"
"No, I'm pretty far from alright."
"Do you wanna come in my shop to talk? Hardly anyone ever comes in to buy records anymore, so it's pretty unlikely we'll be disturbed."
"Yeah, alright," said Crowley with a thick voice. He might as well.
He followed her into her shop.
"So what happened?"
He fixed her with a hard stare. "I did what you said," he told her, his voice accusing. "And he left me."
"He left you?" she repeated. She looked shocked.
"Yeah."
"I can't believe he would do that," said Maggie.
"Believe it."
"I mean... I've known Mr Fell for years, and I can't believe he would just abandon someone who loves him as much as you do."
"Yeah, well... I've known him for even longer, and... well. I suppose I should've seen it coming."
"Well, how could you?" said Maggie. "It doesn't seem like Mr Fell at all."
"That's the thing, isn't it? Maybe it always was. Maybe I misjudged him. Maybe he was always loyal to them, and I just didn't see it. Going along with Heaven as far as he can go. Believing in them. They don't deserve his loyalty, they've never done anything to earn it. And I've done so much. Maybe all this is one-sided. Maybe I've been fooling myself all these years. Maybe he doesn't love me, maybe that's why he wouldn't run away with me like they did..."
"Stop it. You're spiralling, just... I'm sure that's not true..." said Maggie.
"Oh, are you now? You know him as well as I do, do you? No, I don't think so. You don't know why he left any better than I do."
Crowley turned away from her, his anger making way for sadness.
"The sad thing is," he said, "I keep having so much to say to him. There's so much still left to say, just because I miss him so much. I keep needing to justify myself to him. Not that it makes any difference. So many centuries, only to end like this..."
"I'm so sorry," said Maggie. "Maybe you could say it to me? Just get it off your chest?"
For a moment, Crowley wanted to lash out, to accuse her, to run away. But then he looked at her.
She looked a bit like him. Blonde hair, pure eyes. Crowley could almost imagine she was him. Even if the mirror image was a bit off.
"You remind me of him," said Crowley. "I miss him so much... I don't know if he can hear everything I'm saying, but... I know he thinks they're good, I know he wants to believe that. He's not all jaded and cynical like me, he's..."
"Yeah?" said Maggie.
"Never mind, he said. "You're not him. It wouldn't be the same.
Crowley looked at her. This mirror image, this angel of a human, how did she compare to his angel? Or perhaps he shouldn't call Aziraphale his at all... not after he rejected him.
So he asked her. "Would you still choose Heaven? When you die, if you had the choice about where to go?"
"Of course," said Maggie. "They may not be perfect, but at least they try to do good. I could always suggest--"
"Oh trust me, you don't want to do that," said Crowley. "They'll cast you out just for asking questions. Fragile ego."
"But I'm a human. They have to listen to me, don't they?"
Crowley remembered Job. How he had been able to ask the question. How he had gotten words back instead of damnation.
"You'd have to be God's favourite just to get a response, let alone a change."
"Is He still up there?" asked Maggie.
"She."
"She?" repeated Maggie, astounded.
"Yep. She," replied Crowley.
"Well, that should give me an in, shouldn't it?"
"Not really. She cares less about gender, and more about loyalty. You'd have to be unquestionably loyal to get in her good books. I suppose that was always my problem..."
"You're loyal to Mr Fell."
"Aziraphale deserves my loyalty! I wouldn't say God does."
"Well, maybe that's enough. You still haven't told me why Mr Fell left."
"He went to Heaven," said Crowley. "To take over. He offered me a place by his side. I refused it."
"Why?" said Maggie. "You could've been with him."
"But at what cost?" said Crowley. "I don't belong up there. I don't think I ever did, even when I was an angel. Too many questions. No accountability. They damned me, all for what? So they wouldn't damage their fragile egos? So they wouldn't have to think for themselves? Does it feel nice, I wonder, to never have to think? To get so twisted by Her word that they let their minds atrophy from disuse? Or are they just so afraid to grapple with anything real, that they'd rather distract themselves with nonsense?"
Maggie just stared at him.
Crowley sighed. "Thanks for this, but it isn't quite the same. I don't think this can resolved until I can talk to him again."
"Well, maybe you'll be able to again soon."
"Yeah. Maybe," said Crowley.
And with that, he left her record shop.