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Rin had been vaguely aware of Hanahaki disease. It wasn’t something he put much thought into, seeming to hardly exist outside of angsty manga and a few urban legends, so he didn’t immediately connect the dots when the first petal made its appearance.
He didn’t get sick often, so the persistent cough had been annoying and he’d spent most of the morning grumbling about it. He’d trudged his way throughout the day, mildly inconvenienced and planning to ask Ryuuji about herbal remedies during their planned dinner study session, only for Ryuuji to receive an urgent phone call just as they were getting started. He had to cut their plans short, rushing off to meet with Lightning, and it was as Rin watched him go, disappointment filling him along with a now familiar sort of languishing, that he was hit with a full hacking fit.
He’d doubled over, coughing until his vision was spotty and his head started to feel fuzzy, before something soft and small and wet splattered into his hand.
It had been a delicate little thing, so thin it was a wonder it hadn’t been shredded by Rin’s coughing, and, strangely enough, translucent, with white vein-like squiggles throughout it. Without any idea what was happening and not many options, he’d ran straight to Yukio’s office.
Yukio was thorough and calm in his explanation, the shriveled petal Rin had placed on his desk slowly turning fully white as it dried out.
A petal from the Diphylleia something, Yukio had told him, or…the skeleton flower. It was morbidly fitting, all things considered, and there was a small voice inside of him that urged him to protect it. It was a vulnerable, exposed part of himself, a tangible amalgamation of his feelings.
Rin choked down the strange compulsion and watched it die as Yukio monitored him to see when the rest of the petals of the flower blooming in his lungs would emerge.
They didn’t. Yukio concluded that the rest of the flower simply hadn’t stood a chance against the flames raging within Rin, burning up in his chest alongside his blazing demonic heart. That singular petal was the only thing to survive, the only shred of his affection (because that was apparently what the skeleton flower represented and the deeper Rin dug into the layers of this disease the more frustrated he became with himself) to see the light of day.
And that was that.
For the most part Rin was able to almost pretend it wasn’t happening at all, but as his feelings and yearning grew, so too did the ever adapting disease.
Rin had felt off since he’d first woke up. There was a tightness in his chest that was uncomfortable — not enough to slow him down, but there was an infrequent, painful squeeze that would demand his attention until it throbbed its way back into a dull ache — and a tickle in the back of his throat that no amount of tea or sporadic coughing seemed to clear.
It wasn’t until much later in the day that he really felt it.
The final bell for their high school classes had just rang and Rin was making his way out into the garishly decorated hallway. Mephisto had gone wild with an over the top festivity Rin never would’ve expected from the Demon King and it looked like the very spirit of Christmas itself had vomited all over campus. There was garland draped everywhere there possibly could be, holly, multicolored lights, ribbons and baubles aplenty, and, positively everywhere because Mephisto was a meddling clown that lived for creating drama, mistletoe.
Ryuuji was standing beneath a daintily hung one now, blushing and clutching onto his books like they could save him from the sobbing girl next to him, and there was no way this wasn’t all on purpose.
Renzou was cackling and making obnoxious kissy faces, telling Ryuuji to ‘have a heart’ and just give the girl ‘one holiday kiss’ and it was like something inside of Rin was crushed under the magnitude of the realization that it was all so entirely unattainable for him.
He staggered, hand clawing at the skin over his heart as he felt something thick and powerful push itself through his lungs, coiling in his chest and wrapping around his ribs, weaving between bone and anchoring itself unyieldingly in place while it continued to spread.
It was working its way up his throat. Tears flowed down Rin’s cheeks and he gasped for air around the writhing mass, shoving his fingers desperately into his mouth to try to grab what was obstructing his airways.
His fingertips were just barely able to brush the slimy viscera coated leaves against the back of his tongue before it all thrust forwards with a burst of growth, shooting into his hand where he was able to get a firm grip around it. Rin pulled with all of his strength, blood trickling down his chin, and feeling the plant hold firm deeply inside of himself and it felt as though he’d tear himself apart before he’d ever get it free.
Finally something tore and Rin wasn’t sure if it was the plant or a part of him, but he was yanking out everything he could while he was able to. He heaved for breath as the last bits of it passed over his tongue, blinking tears out of his eyes as he tried to make sense of what he was holding. It looked like long green branches with sprouts of twin leaves and clusters of waxy white balls. The ends were long and gnarled, stained a deep red with unidentified clumps still stubbornly caught in their grasp and dripping onto the tile floor.
Roots. Of all the different petals and buds he’d coughed up so far, nothing had managed to take root inside of him. They’d gotten hardier over time, like the disease was evolving to survive his demonic makeup, but he really hadn’t thought there was a flower in existence that could withstand the flames of Satan.
Apparently Rin had been very wrong. He almost didn’t recognize what he was looking at outside of the typical holly jolly bundle he was used to seeing it in. The shapes and grouping of the leaves were distinct, especially with so much of it around him to compare it to, but it was the little white berries that solidified it.
What a cruel cosmic joke.
Fucking mistletoe.
Rin was roughly shaken out of his thoughts, blearily looking up from this latest development in his catastrophically hopeless pining (these were hardly petals, what the fuck kind of disease even was this?) and dropping it all to the floor as he made eye contact with Ryuuji.
“Rin!” Ryuuji was shouting like he’d been calling Rin’s name for a while now, his hands clenching Rin’s shoulders as he tried to hold him upright and get him responsive.
“Yuki,” Rin croaked while his body knit itself back together, and how long would his regeneration prolong this? How many finishing blows would he have to endure?
“Neko ran to get him. You’re gonna be okay, just focus on me.” Ryuuji was crouched down a bit to easily stay in Rin’s line of sight and if Rin was a little less shaken up he would’ve rolled his eyes. This was all only happening because Rin couldn’t stop focusing on Ryuuji – it seemed to be just about all Rin was capable of as of late.
The sound of thundering footsteps rapidly approaching had Rin straightening up a bit, eyes seeking out his brother.
Yukio came to a stop on the other side of the sanguinary mess at Rin’s feet, his horrified gaze lifting to meet Rin’s before quickly masking it with a shield of neutrality.
“It’s escalating.”
“Escalating?” Ryuuji still had a hand on Rin’s shoulder though he’d moved out of the way for Yukio. “You knew about this?”
Yukio ignored the question, digging in his pocket and pulling out a tissue. He handed it to Rin to wipe his probably disgusting face. “Ryuuji, help me get him back to our dorm.”
Rin shot his twin a murderous glare that also went ignored. He was capable of walking and that was just mean. He was healing and he needed space or this whole cycle would just start right back up again, but Ryuuji was draping Rin’s arm around his broad shoulders and wrapping his own arm around Rin’s waist, offering support and guiding him down the hall, murmuring that he was going to be just fine and Rin swore he could feel the internal branches twisting in response to the attention towards Ryuuji like they were reaching out to him.
There was no way he was making it out of this with his dignity intact.
“I have to run to the supply shop for a few things. In the meantime I need you to stay here. Keep the Koma sword close in case you have another flare up, it looks like having you unsealed was enough to burn up the remnants that were left behind,” Yukio instructed as he packed up his med kit.
Rin folded his arms petulantly, resisting the urge to argue and sore over what felt like throwing salt in his wounds.
That all made sense. What he didn’t get was…
“I don’t see why I need a babysitter. I can keep that shit at bay myself.”
Yukio scoffed as he pulled on his scarf. “And if you can’t? You shouldn’t be alone right now in your condition. Besides,” he eyed Rin critically, like he wasn’t quite sure he should finish before ultimately doing it anyway, “you two should talk.”
“There’s nothing to talk about!” Rin hissed through his teeth. Ryuuji was just down the hall, after all.
Yukio’s checkup had shown Rin to be fully healed so he wasn’t sure if it was all just in his head, but his throat still felt raw and ragged and Ryuuji had graciously offered to ask Ukobach if he’d be allowed the use of his kitchen to make Rin tea. He was so thoughtful and it was all so fucking unfair.
Shaking himself from his self pity, Rin powered on, “we’ve been through this—”
“Yes, I heard you the first time. Still…he’d want to know.”
Rin wanted a lot of things, like to stomp his feet and throw the couch cushions like a child throwing a tantrum because he knew that, knew that Ryuuji was too good of a person to think any less of Rin for falling in love with him, knew that he’d want nothing more than for Rin to be honest with him about the cause of his needed babysitting, knew that nothing really had to change between them if he told Ryuuji everything.
Except it was that knowledge entirely that kept Rin from babbling out his feelings the way he usually did. He wasn’t sure if he could handle opening up and telling Ryuuji everything just for it to change nothing. To be deemed unworthy by one of the people whose opinions Rin held most highly, awkwardly shot down like that classmate earlier had been because Ryuuji just wasn’t interested, didn’t see Rin as someone worth being distracted by.
Rin opened his mouth to argue, only to snap it shut at the sight of Ryuuji making his way towards them with a steaming mug in his hands.
“I should be back in a few hours,” Yukio continued like this wasn’t a massive betrayal, “just sit tight and keep what I said in mind.”
“Whatever. Just be quick about it, Four Eyes.”
The silence that followed Yukio’s departure was heavy. Rin wasn’t sure what to do with himself, how to create distance without making what Ryuuji had probably already figured out for himself completely obvious, and the tension was getting stifling.
Ryuuji was the one to cut through it, placing Rin’s mug down on the coffee table and tentatively suggesting they watch TV.
Evidently they were just going to act like nothing was happening. Cool, Rin could totally handle that.
Ryuuji picked up the remote as Rin tossed his sword onto the couch and plopped down next to it, wrapping himself in a blanket and trying not to think too much about the fact that Ryuuji remembered his favorite show and was casually putting it on like it wasn’t a huge deal.
Ryuuji settled down beside him, their arms just touching and Rin couldn’t hold back the small cough at the light tickle it caused.
“I’m sorry,” Ryuuji mumbled, fingers drifting to fiddle with his beads in the nervous way Rin had grown to recognize.
Ah. So Ryuuji did know then. His eyes welled with tears that he stubbornly pretended weren’t threatening to spill over. Ryuuji didn’t deserve to feel any more guilty for this than he already did. He’d let Rin down as gently as he was able to, just like he had with all the others that had tried and failed to capture his attention.
“I know it’s hard without her around. It must feel like you’ve lost her.” Ryuuji stared down at the floor, carefully thinking over his words. “Like you’ll never have a chance.”
Rin’s stomach clenched uncomfortably. Ryuuji seemed very serious, but the more he spoke the more lost Rin felt.
He was afraid to ask, but he was certain they were on the verge of something crucial. “…her?”
“Shiemi. I knew you cared about her, but I didn’t realize— I didn’t know.”
“What are you talking about?”
“Your feelings for her. The reason for all of this.”
“But it’s not like that!”
“C’mon Rin, are you seriously gonna try to downplay this? You’ve got mistletoe sprouting in your chest and poisoning you from the inside. It’s a symbol of…of love and it’s tearing you apart the more you long for—”
“It’s not for her!”
Rin grit his jaw, fisting the blanket spread across his lap as he tried to rein in his fiery temper that Ryuuji was always so adept at stoking. He was so smart but he could be fucking infuriating when he just decided how Rin felt.
“It's not for her,” Rin repeated softly, spiraling with this entirely different type of rejection.
Ryuuji hadn’t just been willfully ignoring Rin’s pining then. He hadn’t even noticed, and that somehow hurt so much worse, like he’d never even considered Rin as a possibility, just written him off as Shiemi’s problem before Rin had even begun to sort out his own feelings.
Shiemi had shut him down hard and fast. She repeatedly made it clear she was only interested in friendship and Rin respected that. He wasn’t in the business of seeking out public (humiliating) rejections though, and Ryuuji had never been quiet about his priorities, so Rin thought that if he could just…he hoped that if he was patient eventually it would be the right time.
Someday their lives would slow down and Ryuuji wouldn’t need to have every spare moment filled with his preparations for the future. Love wouldn’t just be a waste of his precious time and then Rin could have a fair shot to explain everything about his feelings instead of lashing out to be understood and Ryuuji would listen and he would see how much he’s always meant to Rin. If he could convince Ryuuji to give him a chance—
Rin was crying out before he could process his insides shifting, the mistletoe inside of him flourishing even more rapidly than before, spurred on by his lamenting. Branches curled around within his rib cage, encasing his heart like a coffin, and it was agony.
Ryuuji was yelling something Rin couldn’t possibly hope to understand before he lunged across the couch, reaching over Rin’s thrashing form and snatching up the sword at his side, tearing the hilt of Kurikara from its sheath as he was still draped across Rin.
Flames burst from Rin’s body, engulfing them both in a healing warmth Rin now found comforting and purging his insides of the parasitic plant once again. Ryuuji sat back on his heels, watching and waiting until it looked like Rin’s flames had done their job, before closing the sword and setting it aside.
There was a tremble running through Rin’s limbs and he tasted blood in his mouth. Had the mistletoe made it that far up again or had Rin bit his tongue?
“Who is it for, Rin?”
Rin was nearly dizzy under the weight of Ryuuij’s stare, at a loss for how to even begin to answer that.
Gasping in another shuddering breath, Rin had to look away from Ryuuji’s determined gaze, focusing instead on the forgotten tea Ryuuji had placed down on the table for him. He should’ve kept his mouth shut instead of vehemently fighting against Ryuuji’s assumptions, but the thought of Ryuuji believing this was all because of someone else was somehow unbearable.
“It doesn’t matter. I’ll just keep burnin’ it out every time it tries to come back.”
“Rin.” Ryuuji’s tone was full of warning. This wasn’t something he would drop.
“It doesn’t matter!”
Ryuuji scowled, handsome face twisting with his fury and Rin shouldn’t like it, he shouldn’t love being on the receiving end of that passion, but he’d always been weak to Ryuuji’s intensity.
“Why don’t you just let them cut it out of you if it doesn’t matter?”
“No!”
“Why are you being so difficult?! You’d probably be fully healed before they went to stitch you back up, it’s not like you have to worry about recovering.”
“I said no.”
“Dammit, Rin! Gimme one good reason it makes sense to keep suffering like this!”
“Because I don’t want to stop loving you!”
Rin could see the way that Ryuuji’s breath caught in his chest with the admission and there was a part of him that was fiercely proud of that alongside the growing horror. He’d imagined how he’d someday confess to Ryuuji a myriad of times. He’d never intended to just shout it in his face like a comeback in the middle of an argument.
“Yuki says it all goes away when they cut it out. I don’t…I can’t just…”
Ryuuji meant so much to Rin and he had no idea how much of that would be taken. Ryuuji had been by his side throughout the majority of his existence since his awakening and there was too much to sift through, too much to lose.
Rin had pitched his first tent with Ryuuji. He’d learned how to study with Ryuuji, and he’d been to Kyoto Tower with Ryuuji, he figured out how to believe in himself and to rely on others with Ryuuji. He’d fought wars with Ryuuji. It had been such a short amount of time in the grand scheme of things but it was already a lifetime of experiences, of firsts and life or death situations, and you couldn’t just extricate the romantic love without destroying everything that had built up to it. Rin wasn’t willing to sacrifice a single second of what had grown between them just to selfishly remove what he could live through anyway.
Rin hadn’t realized the tears were falling until Ryuuji’s strong arms were wrapping around him, pulling him into his chest and holding him tightly, letting him sniffle against his shirt and holding him exactly the way Rin had wanted him so badly to.
“That’s what this is about then? You think it isn’t reciprocated?” Ryuuji spoke into Rin’s hair where he’d laid their heads together and it took a long moment for Rin to understand that he did not understand what Ryuuji was driving at.
“Huh?”
“The mistletoe. It’s because you think I don’t love you back?”
Rin pulled back, staring questioningly into Ryuuji’s rich brown eyes and noting the blush painting his cheeks.
“Whaddya mean I ‘think’?”
Ryuuji avoided his eyes, somehow shy despite the dramatic scene Rin had just made. “Pretty sure everyone knows I've been in love with you for…a while now.”
“Me?!”
“Where have you been? Who else could it be?”
Rin shook his head dubiously. “That doesn’t make any sense.”
Ryuuji rolled his eyes, his fingers brushing beneath Rin’s chin to tip his head up.
“It makes perfect sense, you’re just too damn stubborn to see it…but I don’t mind showing you.”
“Yes please.” Rin couldn’t be positive of what exactly Ryuuji had planned, but he had hopes, and he was absolutely game for whatever he had in store.
Ryuuji’s lips quirked up in a smirk as he leaned in a little closer. “Y’know, this isn’t exactly how I imagined kissing you under…or, I guess I should say above the mistletoe.”
“You imagined it too?!”
Ryuuji laughed brightly, his eyes going all tender and soft as his hand shifted to cradle Rin’s cheek properly.
“Yes.”
And then he was tilting Rin’s head and pressing their still smiling lips together, and it was like an explosion of warmth going off inside of him, lighting up his chest and burning up the roots, clearing out all of the plant invading him but leaving him feeling so incredibly full it was like he could burst—
“That didn’t take long.”
Rin whirled around at the new voice, annoyed at having his first kiss interrupted and baffled by his brother’s presence.
Yukio was walking towards them, holding his stethoscope like he wasn’t intruding, scrutinizing Rin as if this was a perfectly normal, planned check up.
“Yukio?! Why aren’t you at the supply shop?”
“What supplies could I need when you wouldn’t let me do anything? I told you all you needed to do was talk.”
Rin squawked at the cold chestpiece being pressed against his skin as Yukio listened to his (clear!) lungs.
“So you did all that gearing up to brave the cold and fetching supplies never actually happened? Where did you go?”
“The kitchen. I left my stuff in there. Ukobach has soup simmering.”
“You knew this was going to happen!” Rin pointed an accusatory finger like he’d caught his twin red-handed.
“Of course I did, I’m not heartless. Though I didn’t expect it to be resolved within fifteen minutes.”
“Are you makin’ fun of me?”
“Soup?” Ryuuji squeaked from behind Rin, and he’d almost forgotten Ryuuji was back there in his own irritation.
Rin turned back to look properly at the now very red-faced, thoroughly embarrassed boy, his thoughts drifting around what this all meant.
Ryuuji loved him. So much that a mere declaration and a kiss had instantly cleansed Rin’s body of mistletoe. Hanahaki didn’t just go away, not on its own, not unless your feelings were returned. Ryuuji wasn’t just saying things out of pity, or to be a good friend, he felt the same way.
Rin slowly reached for Ryuuji’s hand, holding it in his own and squeezing as he marveled at how quickly everything had changed.
“Soup sounds good.”
Rin stood and dragged Ryuuji along with him towards the heavenly smell emanating from the kitchen. They could talk after. He’d thank Yukio for forcing them together so they could sort this out, and then, when he went up to their room after dinner, Rin would keep Ryuuji down here and tell him everything.
That it had always been him, since before Rin could identify the emotions Ryuuji stirred up inside of him, and that he wanted more than anything to help him achieve all of his dreams, not to hold him back.
That he hadn’t kept this from Ryuuji because he didn’t trust him with it, but because he hadn’t trusted himself to be worthy of having his feelings returned.
Rin took another deep, unobstructed breath. He was on his way to a new wave of firsts with Ryuuji. There would be cuddles and dates and, after they talked, maybe Rin could finally call Ryuuji his boyfriend.
He was getting ahead of himself. There would be plenty of time to experience everything they wanted together. For now, they could start with a warm meal, side by side and hand in hand…and no mistletoe in sight.