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It’s no secret that I’m not the most social person out there. I try my best, even knowing I’m a mess, and talk to the people who genuinely make my life better.
Some days are just… so hard, though.
“Haah…” Sighing to myself, I roll over in my futon. I was too lazy to put it away this morning, so now I’m just sinking into it instead of actually doing something productive.
The room is so dim. This is why I hate winter. How am I supposed to find motivation for a day that feels like it’s over before I even get up? Or is that just a convenient excuse my mind conjured for my unproductiveness?
I know I could be doing something right now. Writing lyrics… making a guitarhero video… getting out of bed… but I won’t. Of course I won’t.
I’m the worst.
I hear my phone buzz a few too many times for me to ignore it, so I lethargically shift my body to grab it.
It’s just Nijika and Ryo. Kind of odd they both sent messages, moreso Ryo, but…
“…They won’t care if I ghost them for a while.”
They probably won’t care if I don’t respond at all…
Just as I turn my body over once more to continue my self loathing, that dreaded buzz sound rings out from behind me once more.
“Ugh…”
Flipping myself over, I find that this time it’s Sasa who’s messaging me. “…She never writes me.”
I don’t even read the messages before I turn the screen off again. It’s probably just school stuff. I really couldn’t care less right now.
I don’t turn over immediately this time, instead just resting my head into my pillow. I’m not tired. Well, not in the literal sense. I sure feel tired of this feeling though!
Ugh.
Another buzz sound.
Grabbing my phone at a force similar to a strike, I peek at the screen. “Ohtsuki…”
Letting out a heavy sigh, I stop this song and dance by turning on the Do Not Disturb setting on my phone. More specifically, a version with custom settings, but whatever.
“I don’t get it…” I grip my sheets a little tighter. “On days I need to talk to someone, you all make me feel like I don’t exist. Yet when I want to be in my own world, you won’t leave me alone,” I whisper with an unusual amount of contempt that would probably shock anyone if they heard it.
…Of course, it’s not like I ever tell them I need to talk to someone. Nor did I make any indication I want to be left alone today. Am I expecting them to be mind readers?
And more than that… I’m complaining about friends wanting to talk to me. People taking time out of their day to check up on a mess like me.
What the hell is wrong with me? Why can’t I just be normal?
“This is why everyone leaves you…”
My whispered truth is for my ears only, though it only serves to annoy me further.
“Ugh.”
Sick of the deafening silence, I throw in my earbuds and attempt to drown out my own thoughts with the loudest distorted guitars I can find in my library.
Haah…
I love music. I love how I can lose myself in it. I love how it makes me forget about the world. I feel most at home when I’m listening to music.
…
“I guess that’s not really true anymore…”
But it’s still second place.
My mind begins to wander in the realm of screams and detuned guitars coursing through my ears, when all of a sudden… I hear a ding. A notification for a message.
“Are you-”
Just as I’m about to explode, my brain sits in the moment, remembering what this setting actually entails. The realization begins to bloom in my head, as I cautiously reach for my phone. The screen flickers to life in my hands.
‘hows my hitori doing?’
“Ah…”
It’s from Kita.
…
…I want to talk to her, but-
“C-Crap!”
I accidentally tap her message and it opens instantly. I must’ve been resting my thumb on the home button…
“What do I do…? She made me turn read receipts on, so…”
I want to talk to her, but… I’m being so unreasonable today. I’d just be a bother…
‘i can see u read that u know’
…I don’t know what to do.
…
‘im giving u ten seconds before i call
if u ignore that ill be rlly mad!’
Calling me right now is probably… a bad idea…
So… I should reply…
But my fingers don’t type anything. And in a few seconds, ‘Kita is calling’ appears on my screen. And weirdly, it’s a video call.
I should probably just ignore this, but…
I hit the answer icon and her face appears on the screen.
“Ah! There you are!” she calls out in a cheerful tone. Instantly, she rewards me with an overwhelming smile. I feel like I’m staring directly into the sun, but… I’m already fine with losing my vision to this view.
“I-Ikuyo…” I’m all but ready to melt into her warmth. How? How does she do it? Her very existence just makes me… feel at home.
Guess that’s why she’s number one.
“Hitori? What’s wrong?” She’s immediately able to pick up on my tone. I guess I probably look pretty frazzled too. I haven’t actually looked at my video. Too scared.
I open my mouth to speak, but suddenly my earlier thoughts resurface. This is such a stupid thing to complain about…
“Hitori.” Her firm voice stops my mind from spiraling.
“…I’m just… getting annoyed at everything today. F-For no reason…” I admit, looking away from the screen.
“Oh…” I hear her tone drop.
“…A-Actually, more than that… it’s just been a bad day in general. M-Mentally. I just… haven’t done anything.” I chide myself.
That’s really what it’s about, isn’t it? I’m being miserable and taking it out on other people.
“And then, I just got so many messages today… today of all days, I just-… I just wanted to escape from it all. Th-That’s why I didn’t respond right away…”
Someone like Kita… with so many friends she keeps up with daily… She probably thinks I’m insane. Maybe I am…
Either way, I’m the worst.
“…That’s okay,” she says tenderly.
“E-Eh?” I look back to the screen in shock.
She sports a gentle smile. “We all have days where the little things seem… so big. It’s like those trivial things that mean nothing to you any other day seem to be all your mind can focus on.”
“N-No…”
“Eh?”
I can’t help but try to reject her attempts to absolve me of my unreasonability. “Y-You don’t have to make excuses for me… I’m just… S-Something’s just wrong with me…”
“Don’t say that,” she says uncharacteristically firmly. So much so that I drop my head like a child that’s just been scolded. She continues, “There’s nothing ‘wrong’ with you. Everyone, and I mean everyone, works differently. We all struggle in our own ways, and you never need to feel bad about it.”
“I-Ikuyo…” I look into her eyes through the screen. They’re so soft I feel like I could fall into them like snow.
“I have days like this too, you know? Where I don’t want to talk to anyone,” she admits, almost embarrassed.
“R-Really?” I struggle to believe it.
“Mm-hm! Even extroverts need some alone time, you know,” she says with a little giggle.
“B-But,” I think to myself. “Y-You always talk to me… ”
“Oh. You don’t count! I always want to talk to you,” she says nonchalantly.
“E-Eh!?” I begin to turn red.
“Oh, whoops! That probably sounded like flirting but it really wasn’t! You really are different… Even when I’m sick of life being bleh, you’re… never bleh. I-I don’t know! You get what I mean, right??” She asks with a slight chuckle.
I can’t help but giggle myself. “Mm. I-I know exactly what you mean.”
Even when I’m sick of the world… I could never be sick of you.
She warmly smiles at me. “Hey.”
“Y-Yes?”
“I love you.”
Ah…
“I-I love you too,” I say, knowing I’m flashing a totally lovestruck face. “I’m really glad you called…”
“I am too,” she agrees with a look equally as bright as the beginning of the call.
“Ehehe~”
“Hehe!”
We continued to stare at each other for a few seconds, getting lost in the sea of each other’s love. I’d be fine drowning in it.
“…I-Ikuyo?”
“Yes?” she asks, seeming to know what I’m about to ask.
“C-Can we stay on call… a-a little longer?” I timidly squeeze out the words.
She gives me another cheerful grin. “I wasn’t planning on hanging up, my love.”
Ah~
…
We didn’t end up hanging up until the next morning when I met her at the train station.
Hehehe… if you had told me a year ago that I’d be on a 15 hour call, I’d probably-… die actually… b-but this was great! A-And some of that was just us sleeping…
Haah… Jeez…
I really am in love with this girl.