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Everyone in the Northland Bank is at least already familiar with the name ‘Zhongli’, who works at the Wangsheng Funeral Parlor, and who he is in relation to the Lord Harbinger Tartaglia, and this is how the story goes.
Less than a week after the Eleventh Harbinger of the Fatui, Tartaglia, arrived in Liyue Harbor to serve as the Tsaritsa’s direct diplomat to the ruling Qixing as well as the executor of Her Majesty’s will, a business dinner was arranged between him and a representative of the Wangsheng Funeral Parlor. This parlor’s name had already been notorious to the Fatui agents already in Liyue, due to its Director’s incessant and inappropriate approach to advertising.
One example of such terrible advertising is the first time it happened, when the funeral parlor director walked up to poor Vlad, who tried to bar her from entering if all she was going to do was to shill for her business, and then said, “Look, I’d even be amenable to a discount for every four bodies! Get it? Because four? And death?”
Enter the ever-considerate and also clearly-exasperated Mister Zhongli, who seemingly appeared out of nowhere and attempted to bodily drag his boss away from the bank entrance by hissing, “Director Hu!”, followed by him bowing to Vlad and apologizing profusely.
And thus was the pattern before Lord Tartaglia arrived: A member of the Fatui exists in Liyue Harbor, Hu Tao tails said Fatuus or Fatua or Fatuum to try and give them her weird coffin and funeral service coupons, apparently to lower the costs of foreign funerary traditions, Zhongli descends from the heavens like a benevolent god, as if he were the incarnation of Rex Lapis himself, to take Hu Tao away, then Zhongli apologizes for it immediately after with humility and understanding.
It’s actually a miracle that none of the more foul-tempered agents have said anything harsh to him, given how it seems that the director always slipped away from the parlor—and away from Zhongli’s gaze—to pester the Fatui, the Adventurers’ Guild, and even the Millelith. If anything, everyone has agreed that the Director is basically torturing her employees somehow with tactics and efficiency even better than that of the Fair Lady. So, even before the partnership between the Lord Harbinger Tartaglia and the parlor was even in the talks, the local agents and staff already knew of the kind and considerate Zhongli, who just so happens to work under a boss from hell.
When the esteemed Lord Tartaglia arrived from Snezhnaya to be stationed in Liyue for a highly-classified mission directly from Her Majesty the Tsaritsa, it caused a massive deal of surprise amongst the agents when he invited the infamous Director of the Wangsheng Funeral Parlor for a partnership talk of sorts. Just what was it that caught the Harbinger’s attention to talk with that funeral parlor? Though, it quickly became clear to them that Wangsheng also dabbles in work beneath the cloak of shadows. They really should have expected this, but it was a forgivable thing to think of Hu Tao whenever the name of the parlor comes up in conversation.
What was quite unexpected was the Lord Harbinger’s peculiar behavior over the next few months concerning Mister Zhongli, best exemplified by the different way he smiled when around the man. They could see why he started acting like a schoolchild getting smitten: Mister Zhongli is simply so beautiful, it’s like he was sculpted from earth and given life by the Lord of Geo Morax himself. His eyes were the color of piercing cor lapis that seemed to peer into their very souls, as if he could sense any and every lie, but chooses not to mention them. Aside from his looks, the way he talks and his pure charismatic energy just seems to capture the attention of anyone who hears him. And, from what they knew about his personality when dealing with Hu Tao, he was humble and kind, always considerate of others yet firm on the important things. He even got a Geo Vision! To top it all off, Lord Tartaglia also hired him to be his tour guide and cultural consultant, so he must also boast a massive wealth of knowledge. It would be easy to fall for someone like him, and it seems like the Lord Harbinger was not immune to his charms.
It quite literally started with him casting long and wanting gazes whenever his meetings with the consultant ended, then overspending on trinkets that Zhongli liked on their walks around the city, as well as buying an old storehouse and refurbishing the entire place to be fit for living when Zhongli got evicted out of his apartment for being unable to pay rent, and fretting over which type of fabric Zhongli would like better—a blend of silk and cashmere or pure silk only.
Once, apparently Ekaterina witnessed the Lord Harbinger stumble over himself as he attempted to tell Mister Zhongli a joke, which was along the lines of 'why did Rex Lapis cross the street?'. According to her, Mister Zhongli was intrigued by this question (and actually attempted to seriously answer), and when Lord Tartaglia said, 'To get to the other side!', the consultant was laughing so hard he needed a chair and thirty minutes to compose himself.
“Of course Rex Lapis would cross the road to go to the other side,” Mister Zhongli said in the middle of shaky chuckling. “It is the one goal of crossing a road, going to the other side.”
This would also push Ekaterina to suggest confessing the crush to Lord Tartaglia, because that joke was fucking horrible but he still laughed at it, so that means he likes you too, sir.
It was a little embarrassing to witness their Harbinger pace around nervously while trying to muster up the courage to confess his (apparently the first in his entire life) crush on the consultant. But, when Lord Tartaglia came to work the next day with a dreamy smile on his face, a glowing Zhongli, and poorly-blended concealer on their necks, all the agents could really do was to nod approvingly at the romantic success of their boss.
Still, it did not give them much warning about how lovey-dovey they could be when alone with them in the bank. For a couple seeking to keep their dating life a secret from the general public, they snuck in too many 'secret kisses' in front of Fatui agents and Northland Bank staff. How no one has noticed how close they’ve grown or how nobody outside the walls of the bank has begun to be suspicious of their actual relationship are mysteries to be brought to way beyond the grave. But they have to admit, seeing someone just head-over-heels in love with someone else and doing their best to keep their partner happy is a better sight than grisly mutilated corpses. Lord Tartaglia wanting nothing more than to spoil his secret lover rotten is better than his dangerous moods for violent sparring, especially when he has been very open about being a Fatuus since he was fourteen, an age too young for even the hardiest soldier. To see him at least having a normal human relationship before his inevitable death in service of the Tsaritsa is to behold a beauty of life. It also seemed to be steadfast, even if there seemed to be a massive fight between them that took place around the time their Harbinger released Osial. Must be something about him almost destroying the harbor, which they understand Zhongli to love above all.
(Let no one know that it truly is the Fatui’s fault the multiple seals on the Overlord of the Vortex was broken.)
But, after that debacle, they’ve gone back together like magnets pulled apart then thrown back together again. And quite the loud rattle they are making. It seems that after this fallout between them, they have become much closer and have made their relationship known to the public. Sweet as it is for their Harbinger to also experience hurdling over normal problems in romance, it also means one thing.
Their public displays of affection have gone much, much worse.
From being contained in the Northland Bank, they have graduated extremely quickly from simply holding hands outside to one of them suddenly pulling the other into an alley and furiously and passionately making out, as one certain collector agent who was trying to use the alley as a discreet passage point has recounted.
("I fucking swear, I was just walking in that alley! And I was gonna go out of there, but Lord Tartaglia suddenly showed up and pinned Mister Zhongli to the wall and started humping him! Goddess, I am so glad I had been invisible at the time and it wasn't a dead end, but I'm not sure they heard me running the hell away."
"Don't worry, comrade, I'd wager they didn't notice you.")
And, according to the weird Mondstadter bard in green that barged into the bank one day like he owned the place and demanded that Lord Tartaglia pay him one million mora, their boss has apparently proposed to Zhongli in a very loud manner which apparently involved Zhongli throwing rocks and the bard himself summoning raging tornadoes. Seeing as how the bard seemed to be batshit insane, none of the people believed him anyway. At least, at face value. Maybe it was just an exaggeration on how bombastic their boss might have been.
Right now, though? Watching them is tooth-rotting. Maybe their bone marrow has begun to rot too.
Lord Tartaglia has just received orders directly from Zapolyarny to return to Snezhnaya for the time being. As he prepares to leave, Zhongli sticks with him and helps him pack his bags and tidy up his official residence. When they come out of the residence, though, it’s a sickeningly sweet display from the door, through the short excursion to the Northland Bank, and down to the wharf. Arm in arm, they parade themselves all over the city, flaunting to everyone their elevated relationship status despite Childe’s infamy. They share little pecks on each other’s lips and squeeze each other’s arms and hands.
When they get down to the docks, just before the ship bound to Snezhnaya, it becomes even more sweet. When Lord Tartaglia’s baggage gets handed off to the bellboys, they stay on the dock and share a tight embrace.
“I really don’t want to let you go, lyubimiy,” Childe says as he buries his face in the crook of Zhongli’s neck. “I don’t want to leave you behind.”
“I’m sorry that I couldn’t speak with Director Hu in time. I would have gone to Snezhnaya with you to meet your family before we get married.”
“We’ve got time! But… I’m really gonna miss you.”
“I will, too.” Zhongli brings his hand up to cradle the back of Childe’s head. “I will miss you very much, baobei, my love, and I will long for you until you return to me.”
“Lord Harbinger!” Somebody from the ship deck shouts. “We have to leave in three minutes!”
“Okay, wait a minute!” Childe yells back, then leans in to chastely kiss his fiancé, before disengaging from the kiss and knocking their foreheads together. “Will you be in my dreams?”
“Of course. I will be there to banish your nightmares. For now, your Archon calls you. I imagine your Queen and your Director would be quite cross with me if I keep you here.”
“She won’t mind and Pierro can eat my ass,” Childe answers with a cheeky smile before placing one last kiss on Zhongli’s lips and nuzzling his nose. “I’ll be back in a couple of months, okay? Think of it as me just showing you off to my family! I even have photos of us to bring home.”
“Okay,” Zhongli laughed, “pinkie promise.”
With what seems like much hesitation, Childe pries himself away from Zhongli, who lets him go with equal unwillingness, only to fall back together in one last tight hug before the skipper starts screaming at him again. When they break apart again, Zhongli has to put up a Geo shield between them and gesture to the ship, whose anchors were already getting pulled up. As soon as the ship is unanchored, it begins moving away. Childe rushes up the deck where he waves at Zhongli and sends him many, many flying kisses.
“Bye, Zhongli, I’ll see you again!”
“Goodbye, love,” Zhongli shouts back, sending flying kisses of his own, albeit in an awkward manner as if he has never done flying kisses before. “I’ll see you here when you return!”
“Stay safe, okay?!” Childe screams, the seaborne wind drowning out his voice a little bit. He points at the Fatui agents just standing by the edge of the docks and orders, “You! You better take care of him and if I hear anything from my fiancé that you did not look after him, I’ll have you wax the bank reception with a single cotton stick every night and you will have to spar with me thrice a day!”
Poor Kliment stiffens at the threat. Alexei shudders. And so they salute stiffly and shout, “Yes, Lord Tartaglia!”
“You did not have to do that!” Zhongli shouts. “I can care for myself very well and you know that, love!”
“I can’t help it! I’m already worried!” Then, Childe flicks his wrist beyond the deck’s railing and multiple blobs of Hydro form around Zhongli. Even from the widening distance between them, Childe’s mastery over Hydro shows when the blobs turn into well-defined tiny narwhals and fishes that swarm around the man and kiss his cheeks, making him laugh.
“Childe!”
“I love you, Zhongli! I love you! I’ll see you again, okay?! Wait for me!”
No more words are exchanged as Zhongli only waves, helplessly enduring the assault of the cute little Hydro creatures circling him. When the distance grows too great, when the orange of Childe’s hair is a mere speck in the distance, the little narwhals and fish dissipate.
Zhongli stands rooted on the spot, arms tucked upon the small of his back as he witnesses his fiancé’s ship become smaller and smaller as it sails away. The wind tousles his hair and coattails, his form steady against the backdrop of the seascape as if he is holding his breath. The ship loses its sharp angles and turns into a murky brown and indigo shape in the horizon. It seems that, to Zhongli, the world around him does not matter, and only the fading outline of the ship his lover has boarded is the only thing worthy of attention.
When he breaks out of the trance, he turns with a crestfallen look on his face that is immediately replaced with the surprise he expresses when he sees the Fatui agents still standing there stiffly like lost driftwood. And lost driftwood they actually are, lost in a sea of thoughts that only Lord Tartaglia should have: He’s so pretty.
“Oh,” Zhongli vocalizes, “I… had thought you already left.”
“Erm,” the two agents could only say, fidgeting under his gaze.
“We did get orders to protect you, sir,” Kliment manages to say, being the one who was shaking the most. “I don’t want a repeat of, uh, things.”
Zhongli approaches them and places a hand on Kliment’s shoulder. He gives the man a reassuring smile, and damn, is that a sunshine smile. No wonder the Lord Harbinger is hopelessly smitten. “I will be alright. I can take care of myself, as I have demonstrated to you before. And, well, it would be a bit of a disturbance in your actual duties if I imposed.”
“Oh no, these are orders–”
“Well,” he interrupts, “I will not force you to serve me nor to not serve me, but… think of me not as a priority. Your boss does recognize my skill with almost all weapons, too.”
The only thing that was on the three’s minds was, he mastered almost all weapons too?! Holy shit! No wonder Master Childe has a giant boner for this guy!
Zhongli slides his hand off Kliment’s shoulder, but not without a friendly pat. “I must make my way to work. Director Hu would be cross with me if I were late today.”
“Of course.”
“Bye, Mister Zhongli!” Alexei waves, voice wavering a bit. “Have a nice day!”
Zhongli does a final wave before turning on his heel and walking away, arms resting on the small of his back and his hair swaying in the wind. The ombre tip of his hair, they swear, glows bright under the morning sunlight. And individually, the two go ‘holy fuck he is gorgeous’ in their minds, though it will only stay in their minds and not make it out their skulls. If any one of them dared to say it, Lord Tartaglia might just teleport to them and bisect their poor mortal bodies with one fell swoop of his feared Hydro blade and disappear with no one the wiser. The poor innocent people of Liyue would simply see their guts strewn around and their blood staining the wood of the docks. That would make for a fun little children’s song too: Three evil Fatui standing on the beach, one said, “damn Mister Zhongli is pretty”, then they lost their heads. Mama called the Millelith and the Millelith said, “no more Fatui standing on the beach”.