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A subtle brush of cold wind awoke Kazuha that night.
As he slowly tried to regain his consciousness, he shifted under his covers and briefly looked around the room. Two things were different, he noted.
Firstly, the space in bed next to him was empty.
Secondly, the balcony door was open.
He squinted his eyes as he looked outside and noticed his boyfriend standing outside, leaning against the balustrade and looking somewhere far away. He was still in his pyjama which consisted of a simple oversized black t-shirt and knee-length black shorts. The boy was currently smoking a cigarette, a faint smoke coming from it and dispersing into the freezing night air.
A few minutes had passed but Scaramouche still did not come back. Instead, he reached out to his pocket to grab yet another cigarette and a lighter, the faint light casting a subtle glare on his raven black hair.
Kazuha pursed his lips at the sight. He told him to stop smoking long ago. Something seemed off though, the nature of the scene’s stillness rather of the saddening one, the wind told him that. Could it be that…? So instead of nagging the boy, he slowly got up and approached the dark haired one.
“Scara…?” Kazuha muttered softly as he stepped out of the flat, his bare feet coming to contact with a cold concrete floor. Immediately he was met with a strong whisk of cold autumn air which sent shivers all across his body.
The night sky was surprisingly clear and illuminated with blinking stars, the moon however, currently not visible. The nearby trees swayed with each and every blow of the wind, making a soft sound.
The boy didn’t turn around.
“Hey…” he tried once again approaching him slowly, and gently laying his hand on Scaramouche’s back while he grabbed the railing with the other one. “Why aren’t you asleep, dear? It’s so cold outside you might-”
Scaramouche just sighed and turned his face to Kazuha, which made the blonde quiet down.
Dark circles painted under his hollow eyes and his skin had a sickeningly grayish undertone and it wasn’t due to the poor lighting.
He looked tired.
Like, really tired.
How long had he been standing there?
“Sorry I woke you up again.”
The blonde was unsure of what to respond and still scanned his face carefully with worry. It wasn’t the first time that this had happened, and he knew that Scaramouche had some unresolved burdens from the past. He knew that sometimes he needed time, that he would stop talking and just stay away for quite some time.
“Oh, don’t make that face again…” Scaramouche muttered out and frowned, turning his face away. “Just go back to sleep, I’ll be fine.”
Kazuha hesitated for a second, before speaking up softly.
“We both know that’s a lie.”
Scaramouche just huffed and smiled bitterly, leaning against the balustrade.
“Maybe…” he chuckled ironically and hid his head between outstretched arms.
One part of him wished that Kazuha would just go, the other, screamed for him to stay.
Actually, he tried his best to hide his feelings from Kazuha so as not to worry him, although he always saw right through. Eventually, he started to go out from the flat during the night using smoking as an excuse so it wouldn’t make Kazuha suspicious. Besides, it helped. It was easier to deal with all this shit with a cigarette than it was without.
Still, a cigarette could only do so much.
The time seemed to stretch as Kazuha focused his gaze on the building close to them, silently observing the windows. Most of them were dark, but there were two of them that were still lit up. He wondered what was the reason for them to stay up so late too. With each passing second the air seemed to get colder and colder. He stepped from feet to feet quietly, trying to keep himself warm but up to no avail. Ultimately, his whole body started to shiver and a short high pitched hitch escaped his lips.
“Fuck, Kazuha! Get back home. Right now.” he snapped as he fiercely grabbed Kazuha’s wrist. Their eyes met, both widening.
There was no real anger to his voice however, more of an annoyance, frustration and pure worry. It made him feel even more guilty. The fact that Kazuha stubbornly stayed here with him, even despite the freezing cold.
He dragged the other back to their apartament and seated him on their bed. They stayed like this for a moment, with Scaramouche standing in front of him, trying his best not to look at him, all the thoughts running through his head like crazy. He tried his best not to break down, really but he just couldn’t bottle it up anymore so he started so quietly that Kazuha almost did not catch it.
“It honestly breaks my heart...”
He didn’t know what got onto him, as he never meant to say anything of that to Kazuha. He never dared to. He was ashamed, maybe scared, maybe a little bit of both. After all he was all grown up, yet still lost.
He didn’t even know. But this all was surely not something that he wanted Kazuha to know.
But it was night and it was dark and it was cold, and a person you are at night, is always a little different than you out in the sunlight, so the words just spilled out.
“I hate that I do this to you. I hate that I make you worry and I hate that I can’t be the lover that you truly deserve because of some fucking bullshit from the past that I cannot deal with. I don’t want to bother you with all of this.”
“And maybe I’m scared that you’ll leave me, scared that you’ll get sick of this. That I’ll make you tired and miserable, just like I am. And that’d break my heart cause you are the only thing that’s keeping me sane. And I know that I’m a lot to handle. And I’m not a good person. And I know that I sometimes treat you like shit, I just don’t get it how you’re still here and I just-”
“Scara.” the blonde cut him off softly as he grabbed Scaramouche’s hand in his. Their eyes made contact briefly, both slightly red and teared up. The dark haired one quickly averted his gaze, only standing there wordlessly in front of him.
Kazuha reached his hands out, gently cupping his face and making the older boy look at him.
“Hey.” he whispered softly. “I love you. And I’ll always love you, no matter what. You’re everything that I could have ever dreamt of.”
“And that’s all just in your head. I don’t see you like this. I’ve seen other sides of you too. I know that you can be kind, gentle. And that you’re trying.”
“I see it, when you’re doing your best to control your anger or when you always keep the stupid little notes from me. I feel it when you hold me, when you kiss me and brush my hair and when you make little gifts for either me or your close ones, or when you smile softly at the end of the rain and-” Kazuha parted his lips slightly.
“I love you.”
Scaramouche just bit his lip and stared at him in silence not even bothering to stop that one single tear that rolled down his face. No one but Kazuha has ever said things like this to him.
And he wanted to believe in all of it. But it was hard. What if Kazuha was just sugarcoating it all? But again, why would he be doing that if he did not care about him? Would he really kiss him so sweetly and whisper all of these sweet words to him if he didn’t mean it? And all of this made him feel truly loved. He didn’t deserve him. But somehow, Kazuha was his.
He brought his hand up to Kazuha’s and squeezed it as he replied in a mere whisper.
“I love you too, Kaz.”
The blonde smiled softly and kept looking at him while brushing his small tears away with his thumb.
“I’ll always be there and I’ll always love you. Healing takes time, don’t pressure yourself, alright? It all eventually gets better.”
The dark haired one just nodded, squeezing Kazuha’s hand tighter.
“It got better. Ever since I met you.”
And with that, he softly pressed the boy’s back onto the bed, leaning down and locking their lips in a kiss. Passionate yet still gentle, everlasting but fleeting, filled with aching longing.