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“I don’t know how I’ll manage without your soup when you’re gone, A-Li,” A-Cheng moans, from somewhere behind Jiang Yanli. Her face is warm with steam as she watches her creation boil away.
“I offered to show you how to make it,” she throws back lightheartedly, only for her little brother to let out another groan.
“It wouldn’t be the same,” A-Cheng grumbles, “You have some kind of other-worldly touch. Nobody else’s soup comes close.”
Yanli smiles a little. She thinks about A-Shu, the old chef’s assistant, teaching her how to make this soup. She smiles a little more.
Then she remembers what has become of A-Shu and it quickly drops. She buries her face back in the steam and lets it hide any tears that might be threatening to form.
“Well then,” Yanli remarks, proud of how steady she keeps her voice, “You’ll just have to come visit me lots and lots.”
“Ugh. In gilded Lanling .” A-Cheng doesn’t sound impressed, but he doesn’t sound altogether serious. Mock teasing, with a glint of real relief underneath.
“Now, now,” Yanli scolds, with a smile on her face, “Play nice or I won’t give you any soup.” that gets her brother sitting up quick and eager, hurriedly rushing out apologies, head bowed low.
Of course she gives him the soup. She always gives him the soup. The love is stored in the soup and Yanli gives A-Cheng the soup.
“You’d have to bring me lotus though,” she comments airily, setting out a bowl for herself as well. “Or perhaps I shall just have to come here.”
“I suppose it would be too much to ask for the Peacock to stay behind,” her little brother mutters under his breath but not quietly enough. She flicks his arm for that, but there’s a pleased and relieved smile on his face as he quickly tucks into his bowl of soup and Yanli feels like things might be alright.
Jiang Cheng’s staring at pages of accounts in his office, which is also his bedroom because they don’t currently have the rooms for a separate office when there are disciples to house and food to store. They’re currently in the red, which is actually ok, just about- because rebuilding an entire sect is a massive sunk cost, so that’s- it’s okay . The problem is how much in the red the Jiang Sect currently is and how to get it into the black faster before good will- and more importantly good coin- runs out.
So Jiang Cheng’s agonising over this, alone- because - and that’s when he’s interrupted by a polite but undeniably firm knock at the door. Raising his head reveals Jiang Yanli standing at the door, she gives him a little wave and he sets the papers to the other side of his desk in invitation for her to enter. Because if there is anything Jiang Cheng knows, anything Jiang Cheng has learnt , it is that he always has time for his sister.
“A-jie,” he greets warmly, with just the faintest undercurrent of concern as Jiang Cheng watches Yanli prop herself up against the wall next to him. She’s smiling, her eyes are bright and clear, gleaming as if with a goal in mind. Jiang Cheng feels a slight spike of anxiety go through him.
“I think we need to talk about the wedding and me leaving Lotus Pier, A-Cheng.”
His sister’s words hit him, as if a full force punch from Nie Mingjue. Jiang Cheng swears he can feel his saliva gumming up in his throat, even as his blood starts to boil and his fists start to squeeze.
“Did something happen?” he demands, already mentally planning how to make the peacock understand to stop breaking his sister’s heart. That damn-
“No,” Yanli responds calmly, appeasing, reaching to place her hand on his own. “But that’s the problem , A-Cheng. Nothing has happened- nothing can happen, because nothing will happen until I have a date. And I can’t give Zixuan a date until you let me talk to you .”
And this is what Jiang Cheng has been dreading. Because Yanli leaving
him
Lotus Pier is… not the most pleasant of thoughts, admittedly. But it’s
fine
when it’s abstract, when it’s far off, when it’s something that will happen someday (soon). But concrete dates? Absolute plans?
Jiang Cheng isn’t so weak a man that he could refuse to give his sole sister his blessing for her marriage, especially when their parents are both dead. Equally Jiang Cheng does not believe he is so strong a man that he can give his sister his blessing when she is the only family he has left.
And Yanli is the only family, the only person Jiang Cheng has left because Wei Fucking Wuxian is off playing happy families in the mountains with the demonised of the cultivation world and-
And he really isn't the point right now. The point is Yanli.
“We can talk,” he offers. Reluctantly, but he tries to make it seem less obvious in his tone, Yanli has always been able to sense things in him he’d rather not share, but Jiang Cheng still puts the effort in. He may be selfish but he still wants to be a good brother. So he makes an offer to talk, as if it’s not one of his biggest dreads coming true.
“I don’t suppose there’s any chance of A-Xian being able to be there?” Yanli questions, and she’s really starting off strong?
Jiang Cheng must be excused for the choked laugh that escapes him at the thought. And then bitterness, because of course -
But Yanli’s expression- upset, not angry. Disappointed, not betrayed.
“I won’t be able to protect you- either of you- if he shows up,” Jiang Cheng admits, turning away from his sister to stare at his desk where his papers and Zidian lie upon it. Admitting weakness like this feels wrong, but this is Yanli, if he can’t- and he owes her this much. For being such a heel– he knows he’s wrong about Zixuan but he can’t admit it. So he can do this.
“The sect’s still too weak, and I
need
the good favour for credit, and trade deals and-” Jiang Cheng shakes his head, Yanli’s smart enough, she’s the daughter of a Sect Leader too. She can put it together herself.
“And the pea- Jin Zixuan’s protection won’t mean much until you’re actually his wife.” Jiang Cheng rolls his eyes, light hearted, casual, to cover up some of the grit underneath, “If he even wants to, of course.”
“It’s not so easy for him to go against his father,” Yanli objects, which makes Jiang Cheng roll his eyes again because she’s not wrong - in fact in some ways it’s probably harder for Jin Zixuan to go against Jin Guangshan, but it doesn’t mean Jiang Cheng has to like it.
“And it doesn’t help that both of you have always been so set against him,” Yanli continues. Jiang Cheng can’t detect any unusual emphasis in his sister’s words, but they land on him heavy and awkward anyway.
“I’m trying now,” Jiang Cheng mutters, to himself as much as Yanli. Her fingers squeeze around his.
“I know, A-Cheng,” Yanli’s voice is kind, calm, careful. Always so much better and kinder than him and he loves her so much for it. That she’s always so much better than him, heavens knows what would happen if they were too similar. “And I’m grateful for it.”
He’s waiting for a ‘but’ that never comes, turning around to face his sister once more.
“There’s the festival next month,” Jiang Cheng offers, an olive branch that breaks him as much as he knows it needs to be offered, “Don’t go getting married until after that?”
“I could never,” Yanli’s smile is warm and so real that it almost makes Jiang Cheng feel as if maybe this won’t be so bad.
It probably will be. But it’s not his choice, and that’s the thing. It’s not Jiang Cheng’s choice, it’s Jiang Yanli’s, and hers is a happiness it’s not so difficult to consider in place of his own.
Jiang Yanli is dangling her feet in the lake, she can practically see the heat in the air, rippling as it goes, just like the water around her feet. Her hair is sticking to her forehead a little, the dust from the ground to the sweat on her hand.
It feels good, peaceful. It feels… off. This is her home, this was her home, this won’t be her home for much longer, it hasn’t been her home for a not so long time. She sighs, it’s peaceful and it’s quiet. It’s off because it’s quiet. There’s no yelling- of either the good or the bad. There’s no A-Xian, there’s A-Cheng but he’s not the boy he was, he became a man of his own all without her, Yanli seeing only the slightest glimpses along the way.
She feels guilt over it, she feels sad. Ultimately, she supposes she feels proud. And Jiang Yanli feels conflicted .
She drags her feet through the water, the hot scent of the earth filling her nose.
She doesn’t want to leave, she can think of nothing worse than staying. She-
She can sense somebody walking up behind her. Jiang Yanli doesn’t bother to turn around, she knows who it is. There’s only one person in Lotus Pier wh is so at ease with her these days. She doesn’t shift over, either. There’s room enough for three at the end of the pier. There’s too much room at the end of the pier.
“You know you don’t have to leave,” Jiang Cheng says out of the blue, “If you don’t- I won’t be mad. I’d prote- I’d make sure if anybody else were mad that they would have to take it up with me.”
Jiang Yanli twists, stares at her brother trying to work out where this is going.
“I’m just saying, it’s not too late, you don’t have to marry-”
Yanli knows where this is going. She’d known. A sort of angry tightness grows in her chest.
“I want to marry Zixuan,” she intones firmly, eyes scrunched a little, but she keeps her face mostly expressionless. She doesn’t want her brother to see her angry. Not over this. Not at this time.
“I love him. You know that- and if you still refuse to accept that!-” Yanli cuts herself off, and maybe she’s not as good at holding in her anger as she hoped.
Jiang Cheng is blinking at her with big eyes.
“I-” her little brother falters. “Sorry,” he starts again, “I know. I know that. I just… I worry… about you… in there,” he trails off and Yanli can do a pretty good job of the filling the gap herself but she doesn’t want to.
“I wouldn’t want you to think that I wouldn’t- won’t - support you. Just because you’re marrying that pea-” he coughs and corrects himself before she can even shoot him a glare. It makes something soften, “Jin Zixuan. You’ll always be my sister.”
There’s a rustle as Yanli’s brother lowers himself to sit beside her, legs folded up.
“And I know…” he trails off again, but Yanli waits for him to speak. Watches him fiddle with Zidian on his finger, wrestling the ring on and off. “I know things are-” her brother grimaces “- complicated at the moment. So I don’t want you to ever forget that.”
Yanli opens her mouth to tell him she knows that, of course she knows that. Not that she doesn’t appreciate him telling her so but she knows - but her little brother opens his mouth again and it becomes clear that he’s not done speaking, so she waits.
“And if you ever needed help- I’m sure he would drop everything in a heartbeat to help you too.” The bitterness in Jiang Cheng’s tone does not go unnoticed, but Yanli is nothing if not adept at managing A-Cheng’s and A-Xian’s battles. She holds her tongue, which is also familiar territory.
“Yes,” Yanli agrees with a smile, instead of saying anything more complex on her mind. That was between her and the water, she wants to know how she feels before she brings it up to her brother. This right now is a nice moment, a good one. She can also tell it is incredibly fragile.
“I’m a very lucky woman. To have so many people to support me.” Jiang Yanli is smart enough to know that, and self-aware enough to admit it. And yet.
As soon as the words leave her mouth she wishes she could take them back. Jiang Cheng twists, but not before she sees his face and the horror washes over again at the realisation of what she’s said.
But that’s the thing. She wants to leave as much for the same reasons A-Cheng wants her to stay. The hollowed out walls of the place that was once their home. Yanli can’t bear to look at it and play pretend .
The only thing left is a brother, and he’s worth so much. So so much. But he’s not worth everything . Yanli can’t bear to stay, but the uncomfortable truth is the knowledge that by leaving Yanli leaves Jiang Cheng here all alone.
This is not Jiang Yanli’s home, not anymore, her home was destroyed, burned along with her parents. Her home was two younger brothers, not one who’s gotten too old too fast. (Not one who got too old too fast too far away.)
And this can’t be Jiang Cheng’s home either, and now Yanli is going to take herself out of it.
She swallows but doesn’t let her mind shy away from the truth, the fact.
She is leaving, and she knows, that in some ways, this could be construed as a betrayal. But the only other thing Jiang Yanli knows, with absolute certainty these days, these days when even things such as her little brother’s wishes seem increasingly difficult to place, is that her staying is a betrayal too, just of a different kind.
A betrayal to herself, a betrayal to her parents, to Zixuan, to A-Xian, and to her brother.
Leaving is something Jiang Yanli knows she has to do, even as it hurts something deep in her core. But she can’t live the life of an older sister anymore, she can’t live it forever. It’s not-
It’s never going to change, she will always be Jiang Cheng’s sister just as he’ll always be her brother, and A-Xian their shixiong. Always - just like Jiang Cheng said. But she cannot build a life around it, or, perhaps selfishly, Jiang Yanli does not wish to build her life around it.
She grabs her brother’s hand. He lets her. The struggle is always letting go.
There are no tears in her eyes as her little brother rests his head on her shoulder. This can be a happy moment for them both. Just them, and the silence, and the lake.
This can be a happy moment and she refuses to let it become anything else.
“The festival was nice,” Yanli comments easily, breezily, making up for all the lightness that isn’t in the warm summer’s air.
Jiang Cheng doesn’t say anything, head on her shoulder still, breathing in and out without even the slightest hitch. She’s just assuming he’s not going to say anything and settles herself for an evening of silence and company when she hears it.
“Yeah,” her brother responds, feeling the movement of his jaw through her shoulder, “It was.”
“You’ll always be a Jiang, of course,” Jiang Cheng clumsily tries to assure Yanli, kicking himself the moment the words are out of his mouth. He hastily tries to fix his misstep “-I just mean, even though you’re getting married to Jin Zixuan-” he didn’t even call him the peacock “- it doesn’t actually mean anything, you’ll still be a Jiang, you’ll still be my sister I-” Oh god, what is he saying? And Jiang Cheng had promised he’d be better about Zixuan, more accepting, he’s- Yanli is going to think he doesn’t approve he-
“As in even if you change your name, I won’t think differently, I-” He begs his mind to shut up before he digs himself deeper.
His attention is caught by a small huff escaping his sister, the slightest glimpse of a smile hidden behind a covered mouth. There is a light sparkling in Yanli’s eyes, dancing above the steam of her famous lotus and pork rib soup, dancing in the quiet privacy of the kitchen.
“Thank you,” she tells him, the gratitude as sincere and real as the amusement. Jiang Cheng can feel a weight lifting off his shoulders. Relief that she can see what he means even if he can’t find the words to say it. The relief on his shoulders just brings his mind’s attention back to the white-knuckled clenching of his fist, a small metallic object buried in his palm.
But for now he ignores it, focuses on eating his soup and praising his sister and talking as if his world isn’t going to crash down around his ears tomorrow. Talking easily as if he isn’t scared, isn’t selfish.
Eventually, he finishes his bowl, waves around Yanli’s movement to offer him some more, and Jiang Cheng pushes away his bowl.
Taking a breath to steady himself, to give himself the confidence to do something he does and doesn’t want to do in equal measure.
He opens his hand, palm facing up for Yanli to see Zidian lying innocuously there in the middle.
“I want to give you Zidian,” Jiang Cheng tells his sister, “It was our mother’s ring, I have no more claim to it than you.” Perhaps less, he’s the youngest (and a son) after all. If it were from their father it would be part of the Jiang Line, a Sect Leader’s treasure, but it isn’t. It’s no Jiang heirloom, this belongs to the Yu, and now Jiang Cheng feels it should belong to Yanli.
But it’s not just that.
“And I want you to have it,” he explains, “I want you to have it in Lanling. A gift from a little brother to keep you safe when you’re gone.” Yanli’s eyes are wide as Jiang Cheng stares into them, her fingers barely touching his own.
“It’ll be like I’m still there, watching out for you,” he explains, because he might be the younger one, but he’s the sect leader. Jiang Yanli is his A-Jie. Because he can give his sister so little in the way of a wedding present, even if his coffers were fill it would pale in comparison to the wealth she’s about to enter. Most of their things of value, of heritage were destroyed by the Wen. But they have this, their mother’s ring, and Jiang Cheng’s promise.
And Jiang Cheng’s fear, because Lanling may have been the only great sect to have its lands entirely untouched by the war, but it doesn’t mean Jiang Cheng is no less wary about the dangers that lie within it, nor outside reaching in.
Yet Yanli’s face is tight, and she looks almost- sad .
“Oh A-Cheng,” his sister breathes, her hand squeezes his wrist- his other wrist, the one not holding Zidian out like an offering.
“My little brother,” she teases, “So grown up.” But she still looks sad, worry settles through Jiang Cheng’s bones.
“I want you to be safe ,” he protests, hurt, worried, confused. He’s not sure, he just knows that he wants Yanli to take Zidian, he thinks he might be able to breathe better if she did, that this band around his chest might lessen.
“And I want you to be safe too,” Yanli protests, but gently. She’s always so gentle. So gentle with him . Not that Yanli hasn’t given him a tongue lashing or two, normally regarding A-Xian, but she’s always been gentle towards him in a way nobody else in their family ever has. Was.
“But-” he objects, ready to explain that he can look after himself, that she doesn’t need to worry about him (and if he can get Yanli to believe it then believing it himself should be no problem. He doesn’t want her to worry.)
“I’ll have my husband’s protection from tomorrow,” Yanli points out, points it out so easily as if it’s not a barb to Jiang Cheng’s heart. She must notice though, he’s always worn his emotions on his face when his sister is involved, because Yanli rolls her eyes.
“Zixuan isn’t replacing you, A-Cheng,” Yanli snorts, “The heavens know that. I just mean I’ll be protected there, I’ll have A-Xuan, and I’ll have the reputation of the sect.”
Jiang Cheng raises and eyebrow and means to object but Yanli continues to barrel on.
“I’ll have Madam Jin- just like before, and I’ll even have Jin Guangshan,” Yanli’s mouth twists a little at that, which is probably the only thing that manages to let Jiang Cheng keep his head, a strangled laugh coming out instead.
“Oh, I know, I never thought I’d say that ,” Jiang Yanli laughs, “But I’m the wife of his son and only heir, he needs me around. Beside, anything happening to me in Lanling would be an embarrassment.”
That… that’s a fair enough point. Jiang Cheng doesn’t even comment on the lack of “firstborn son”, who knows with Jin Guangshan’s tendencies. He can feel a small laugh escaping his own lips despite himself. But-
Jiang Yanli his folding up his fingers back around Zidian.
“That can change,” Jiang Cheng refutes, small, nervous. But it’s true, it changed, it changed once. Lotus Pier seemed unfathomably strong once, and it was defeated in a matter of hours. His whole life overturned, the beginning of the end of a brotherhood. The end of the end of a childhood.
Jiang Cheng had escaped his home’s destruction, escaped his own destruction, and he’d done it with Zidian secure to his person. His mother had sent him off with the ring and the demand to keep the family safe. And now, Jiang Cheng is sending off his own sister and wants to do the same.
Yanli’s fist is tight around his own, trapping his fingers, trapping Zidian.
“Then I’d better hope I still had family to retreat to.” His sister’s voice is steel, taking no prisoners. “A-Cheng,” and it softens again, “You’ve done so well to rebuild the sect- and I’m not saying that. You’re doing so well. But I don’t think I’m the one who needs the protection of our mother anymore.”
Yanli pushes his fist away from the centre of the table and her, back towards his own body.
“Keep Zidian and keep our home safe. For me?”
Jiang Cheng blinks, blinks a few times but it doesn’t seem to resolve the blurriness of his vision, the lump in his throat prevents him from being able to speak.
“And what you said, the other day,” Yanli’s still talking and Jiang Cheng’s ears are still ringing but this is the last night with his sister in his home so he is listening , “About A-Xian being willing to do anything to protect me? I’d stake my life that the same goes for you too.”
The lump turns from large to painful and burning. He doesn’t want to think about- if A-Xian would do anything for him, for their home then why didn’t he stay? Why-
But this is the night before Yanli leaves and Jiang Cheng does not want to fight. Not about this, not now (not ever).
He takes Zidian back, slides the ring around his finger, and if some of the tension eases at the sight of the relief on his sister’s face… then, well, Jiang Cheng is a selfish man. What is there to say? Except-
“Thank you,” Jiang Cheng does not sniffle- he keeps control of his voice with gargantuan effort, “And I’m sorry.”
For offering you Zidian, for everything I’ve said about the peacock, for not being able to protect you. For not being enough to bring Wei Wuxian home, for being so weak, for being about to cry when this isn’t about him - he’s not the one leaving for-
He feels his sister’s arms around his shoulders before he’d realised she had risen from her seat.
“I’m selfish,” he offers, explains. “I don’t want you to go.” Yanli’s arms don’t loosen at all, he feels emboldened. “I know you can’t stay. You have to go.” He coughs, “You should go.”
“We’ve all got to live our own lives, A-Cheng,” his sister speaks above his head, “You, me, even A-Xian. None of us can live the others’ lives for them. Not even you.”
And he knows, Jiang Cheng knows that what his sister says is true. So.
But it doesn’t mean that Jiang Cheng can’t help Yanli live her life a little more as she wished.
Jiang Cheng grabs Jiang Yanli by the hand, breaking from her embrace and leading her to the door.
“If you’ve only got one night left,” he informs her seriously, “Then we better get a move on.”
With that Jiang Cheng bundles his sister out into the night.
“After all,” he continues, faux casual, mind whirring as to where he can find proper robes in red at this hour, “While it’s not too far away, we don’t want you making a poor first impression on your groom’s family- yawning from lack of sleep.”
“What are you talking about?” Yanli sounds confused, bemused, but not annoyed. Jiang Cheng huffs, as if annoyed she hasn’t worked it out, but secretly glad she hasn’t.
“Yiling, of course.” Jiang Cheng lets his eyes light up, lets himself forget about the weight of Zidian on his finger. “If we can’t bring him to your wedding, then let us bring your wedding to him.”
And if Jiang Cheng had any reservations, any hang ups or personal grievances- well. In this moment, he has to admit that they go, seeing the lightness, the spring in his sister’s step.
He knows Jiang Yanli desperately wants this- her marriage, Jin Zixuan, for Wei Wuxian to be part of them again, and for his sister, Jiang Cheng thinks he can feel himself wanting to want it too.