Work Text:
4:47 pm.
woke up. had a nightmare again.
4:48 pm.
waiting for the moment i am bothered.
4:49 pm.
waiting for some force to push me to my limits. no other thought can be until i rest.
4:50 pm.
i need something to eat. i hope my mom isnt finally so overcome with the shame of my existence to stop bringing me food.
4:51 pm.
"are you home?". i cant even leave my room anymore. what a useless consciousness.
4:52 pm.
ill try to find something to play. i need to distract myself.
4:53 pm.
i pulled my phone out again to see if she's responded. not yet. she has probably given up.
4:54 pm.
maybe she will brick off my room. maybe she will lay me to rest like she brought me to this.
4:55 pm.
why would i think that? what is wrong with me? thats such a disgusting thing to think of my mother... she has only ever loved me. and i have struck her with burden she cant rid of because shes obligated to help me. she would be better off without me. why do i wake up each day to the same outco-
4:56 pm.
*DING* 'yes, i heard you up and stirring, im bringing you a snack. you didnt eat much at all yesterday, so i want you to try for a bit more if you can.'
4:57 pm.
"thank you mom, i am sorry for bothering you today and every day."
4:58 pm.
wow. i wonder how many times ive said these exact words to her.
4:59 pm.
*knock knock* 'serizawa? your food is on your table out here. let me know if you need anything else, kuma.'
5:00 pm.
i cant even thank her out loud. i am hungry but i cant sit up right now.
...
9:23 pm.
im really bad at this game.
9:24 pm.
what? what game is this? ah. ok. i dont remember putting it in.
9:25 pm.
did i ever eat? god im hungry again. let me check on the snack.
9:26 pm.
cold rice and a warm soda. thats what i get for forgetting, i guess.
9:27 pm.
i cant believe i forgot. i really do feel useless.
9:28 pm.
oh god. i didnt realize how much i had to go to the bathroom. i guess it cant hurt to leave the rice out a bit longer.
9:29 pm.
its horrible that i cant even walk into the bathroom without pulling out my phone. its like im an ipad baby. cant be without stimulation for even a second.
...
10:16 pm.
shit, my legs fell asleep. i guess that means i have to get up now. i didny even retain anything i just watched. meaningless content at its finest.
...
10:28 pm.
god i really just let myself stay here in pain. its unbearable now. i have to stand up.
...
10:32 pm.
why cant i even bring myself to stand. its embarrassing. its like im weighing down the world by my very being in it.
10:33 pm.
should i just jack off? im here already i guess. maybe itll make me want to stand up.
10:34 pm.
im ashamed.
10:35 pm.
im sorry.
10:36 pm.
im worthless.
10:37 pm.
couldnt make a mess if i tried. i guess i should get up now.
10:38 pm.
i should wash my hands.
10:39 pm.
the sound is too much. ill be fine. ill wash them next time.
10:40 pm.
this game is boring. i need another one.
...
3:39 am.
i should sleep. i didnt even notice the time. im tired.
3:40 am.
my sheets are too bunched up. i dont want to do everything to fix them. too much right now.
3:41 am.
im ashamed.
3:42 am.
im sorry.
3:43 am.
im worthless.
3:44 am.
goodnight.