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Vessel and IV were sitting at the kitchen island, taking silly personality quizzes one morning. IV leaned his head on Vessel’s shoulder and watched him click on his answers, not really bothering with questions about his favorite color and such, but one about ice cream flavors eventually caught his eye.
“Wait. Chocolate chip’s your favorite?” He asked, brows slightly drawn together.
“Yeah, I guess. Why?” Vessel kept scrolling without missing a beat, continuing with his answers.
“But you never eat chocolate chip.” IV leaned back to look at Vessel incredulously and the other turned to face him when he heard his tone.
“Not really, 'cause you three like sorbet more.” Vessel shrugged like it was obvious.
“Yeah, but what do you like? Do you like sorbet?”
“I mean, it’s fine.” Another shrug. Vessel was starting to get anxious, lightly furrowing his brows and IV didn’t mean to make him nervous, only wanted to get to the bottom of whatever this was.
“Fine? Sleep, Vessel, have you just been accepting what we like?”
“No–o.” It sounded question-like and IV didn’t like it. Vessel had a slight apprehension in his posture and voice, the telltale signs of him beginning to shut in.
“What do you mean?” He put a hand on Vessel’s arm on the counter, hoping the touch would ease his tension. “Vessel, you’re allowed to get things for yourself.” His fingers started caressing the other’s skin, holding his gaze as he spoke. “Like… we’re not gonna be mad if you buy ice cream we don’t like.” IV was struggling to express what he wanted to say and definitely didn’t like what Vessel’s words implied.
“I guess, but it never really came up and I don’t mind. I mean, it’s not that important. It’s just ice cream.” He shrugged again, gesturing around aimlessly with one hand and IV started to suspect it wasn’t just ice cream.
“Vessel, in what other things do you let us choose because they are ‘not that important’?”
The other man just looked at him with a puzzled expression on his face, like he didn’t understand the question. He didn’t even realize he was molding his taste to the others’. Or, he did, he just didn’t consider it that. He helped those around him by being the one to always compromise, dropping his wants in an instant to be more convenient. Not voicing his needs, to be easier to handle. That was helpful. Safe. He just went along with what the others wanted, and there would be no trouble.
“If I go with what you choose, then there’s no conflict and only three people have to agree. It’s easier. And I don’t mind, really.” IV put together what he meant. Being the flexible one, the peacekeeper, meant he didn’t get to choose, but it didn’t seem to bother him, because that way he could avoid conflict within the group. Or at least, he wouldn’t be the cause of it. IV let out a sad sigh, and Vessel looked like he was caught doing something bad. He had a slight furrow to his brows, eyes tender, worrying his bottom lip, as he waited for IV to say something. He messed up, he could tell.
“Love. Vessel.” IV said as softly as he could, then closed his eyes, taking a deep breath. When he opened them, he looked back into Vessel’s and continued. “What you like and what you enjoy is important. You’re allowed to choose. We want you to.”
“Yeah, but–“ Vessel started, but IV didn’t let him try to justify it. He knew why the other did it, but didn’t want him to continue out of a misplaced obligation. He didn’t have to fear arguments, reprimand, or uneasiness anymore.
“No–no. No buts.” Vessel seemed taken aback at being interrupted. He had perfectly good reasons to justify his behavior, and also, it wasn’t even behavior, he just let his loves choose because they could. He could never choose when he needed to. Too many options, too many aspects to consider, and when he made a bad choice, he would be stuck with it, and… No. He didn’t like that. Besides, it wasn’t a big deal, it’s not like he hated the things his partners chose. They weren’t always his favorites, but he wasn’t a child, he could make compromises.
“Look.” IV trailed his hand down Vessel’s arm to take the other’s hand in his, holding it between them, clasping his other hand over his partner’s, hoping he could get his point across. “You don’t have to be worried about us getting mad, about money, about other people’s opinions. We want you to enjoy everything, even if it means having another box of ice cream in the freezer.” IV smiled at him at that, feeling the tension in the way Vessel held his arm, uncomfortable being entirely exposed. “Especially, if it means you can have something that you want. If it makes you happy. We want you to be happy.” Vessel opened his mouth to argue with that, so IV added. “As happy as you can. You’re allowed to. And it’s not even that we allow you. No. Just inherently. You have every right to choose. You can have anything you like.” He realized he was rambling, but he wanted to spell it out to him, knew that hearing it, instead of them silently implying helped Vessel, whose brain regularly took encouraging cues, twisted and turned them until he became nervous he had done something wrong, causing him to worry that he made them mad somehow.
“And what if I don’t know what that is? What I like?” Vessel asked shyly, eyes now glinting with sadness, but he knew there was no anger or blame behind IV’s words. He just wanted Vessel to understand. To feel safe enough. To realize that he mattered. To them, everything about him did.
“Then we’ll just have to find it.” IV just shrugged, like it was that easy. Was it?
The next time they went shopping, IV didn’t let them leave until Vessel got one item – a snack, a drink, anything, that he felt like he wanted. He let Vessel know in advance, so he wouldn’t get too anxious being put on the spot right then and there, but they all talked about why they did it. Eventually, Vessel went with the safest and most familiar option of picking up a small tub of chocolate chip ice cream. Later, they evolved to choosing from takeout menus, again telling him before, so he would have time to consider his options, but the others didn’t let him spiral. They helped him choose but made it so that Vessel was the one to make the choice, they simply listened to his reasons and him talking it out, essentially with himself. They tried some new things, some of which Vessel didn’t like, which made him anxious, feeling like he made a bad decision, but there were things he was a little happy about, like trying chocolate-covered sponge cake thalers again, which he hadn’t had in a long time because apart from III, who would only eat the raspberry flavored ones, the others didn’t like them that much. He still let his partners choose for him sometimes, when he was convinced they knew better what he would like or when he had a bad day and felt frozen, unable to even consider choosing. They let him decide for himself when he felt comfortable, only pushing him a little at a time, never demanding more than what he could comfortably give.
All this made II realize that all the times when they went shopping together in the beginning and Vessel tried to fill the silence or distract himself from the crowds and lights and sounds by talking about snacks and stuff around them, he inadvertently told II that he wanted things, but he wasn’t outright allowed to have them, so he left it at that. When they debated what to make for dinner, Vessel went with II’s offers right away, eager to learn what the other liked so he could prepare the meals when the man needed some extra comfort. Snack choices provided cues to what kinds of cakes II would like based on the flavors and textures he favored. Vessel was nothing if not observant and ready to treat the other to anything that would make him more comfortable, especially in the beginning and immediately after his changes. He would keep some snacks around to cheer II up, made him his favorite soup when he got his first fever, and hummed the silly cartoon soundtracks he knew the man secretly loved when he was trembling in Vessel’s arms from the pain. II thought Vessel was very attentive and he loved him for it, always looking for opportunities to reciprocate his kindness, eventually settling into thinking that Vessel must have liked at least some of the same things as him since he never said otherwise. He didn’t express any apparent distaste, but II had a constant flicker of doubt in the back of his mind.
Vessel was never overly assertive, rather leaning toward what was convenient for the other person, an unconscious practice that was proving to be hard to unlearn. II tried, Sleep knows he tried, probing at the fragile interior, careful not to hurt the man he loved, tried loudly telling him that he mattered, so much to them, that he could, should have wants and needs, they all had. He wasn’t any less for it, but Vessel was convinced he needed to keep himself in perfectly bite-sized chunks, so there wouldn’t be any problems. Of course, there still were, but that just proved that he shouldn’t be more - actually only less - if possible. So he tried to be not too much, but just enough, and hoped things would be alright.
When they went shopping and ‘snacks’ or ‘drinks’ were on the list, Vessel went straight to his partners’ favorites, buying several, making sure the pantry was stocked up, that they always had II’s salt sticks, III’s sour gummies, and IV’s hard candy. He had those, too, always making sure to offer the last one to whomever he was sharing with.
One time, a price limit was set, or rather a reverse price limit, Vessel had to choose an item or items above a certain price, which was the little challenge that made him the most anxious out of all, thus far. He felt selfish, made special, and didn’t feel at all good about making a decision, especially with what he considered to be a lot of money for just food on the line, but his partners helped him through it, convincing him that they would all share anyways and he deserved to get himself a treat after having worked so hard on new music. He always had worries about money, splurging, and spending too much on himself and on things that didn’t last a long time. What did a long time mean? Using something until it almost fell apart, until II begged him to buy a replacement, until even IV couldn’t repair a clothing item anymore.
III knew the topic of buying things that he deemed unnecessary was a sensitive one for Vessel, but one time, he messed up. The two of them were out shopping, browsing around for sweets, when III reminded the other that they should buy some chocolate. Vessel took that as an instruction to buy their usual, which he did, choosing their current preferred flavors. III watched as he put his picks into their basket and asked lightheartedly, “Still peanut butter?” referring to Vessel’s flavor of choice. He immediately regretted his quip at the flash of confusion and hurt on Vessel’s face, before he suppressed them and schooled his face into a neutral expression, letting the bars drop the rest of the way into the basket. He usually set them down carefully. “No, no, Ves, I didn’t mean it like that. I’m sorry. You were just arguing with II the other day about superior flavors. I was joking, I’m sorry, my love.” He took Vessel’s hand that still hovered over their basket, his eyes now searching III’s face to make sense of his words. “Of course, you can choose whatever flavor you want. I would never tell you that you can’t.” His thumb caressed the back of Vessel’s hand and he scolded himself for not wording it better, for making Vessel think he was mocking his choice when he explicitly told them that was one of the things he was insecure about.
‘You want that?’ Vessel quickly learned that the correct answer was no and even better was not asking in the first place. After having been allowed to choose something - especially if it was a reluctant agreement - when he chose wrong, even though there should have been no wrong option to begin with, he was met with barely concealed disappointed sighs, like he was asking too much by choosing something for himself, and not making the right choice, the one that they wanted. This made Vessel automatically reach for the safe option, the one he knew the other person wanted, so they wouldn’t be disappointed and he wouldn’t feel bad for being selfish and forcing his taste on them or making them mad by not being able to read their mind.
Vessel’s mouth was still downturned slightly, and III wanted to kiss it better, take away all the shitty things that happened to him in the past that caused him to feel this way. “I’m sorry, Vessel. I worded it wrong. I didn’t mean to make you feel bad.” He lifted Vessel’s hand and pressed a kiss to the back of it in apology, looking deep into his eyes. Vessel nodded in acknowledgment, a small thing to let III know he understood and they promptly returned to ticking off items from their list. When III asked Vessel if he wanted something else after they finished, Vessel just shook his head, “No, I’m okay”. He really was. It wasn’t like before.
All four of them loved the little trips they took to nearby camping sites and places of interest, hiking, sightseeing or just exploring a part of a town they’d never been to. IV advocated that they each pack their own backpacks - or at least two for the four of them – so they would have everything they needed at the ready. Despite preparing sandwiches and packing drinks, III regularly insisted they stop at a shop or gas station on the way to pack up on snacks for the road. He truly was enthusiastic about spending time with his loves, but if he requested that Vessel choose something for himself, too, he noticed that the man felt less insecure when he saw how happy it made III, and all three of his partners. Vessel indulged them, and in turn, he grew accustomed to being asked for his preferences and the gentle expectation that he should get something if he wanted to, even if the others didn’t, and not deny himself to avoid being a bother. However, in the beginning, it didn’t escape II’s attention that Vessel’s items were always the cheapest or smallest out of the four of theirs.
Vessel was noticeably silent throughout the morning, even before they entered the grocery store, which meant… “No choices today?” II asked when Vessel reached for his hand right away as the bright lights and general noises of a crowded shop hit them. The other man simply gave a small headshake, concentrating on the items on the list in his hand. Bread. Biscuits. Butter. He was trying to arrange them according to the layout of the store, putting marks beside items when another shopper walked past where he was standing next to a shelf - making himself the smallest he could be - their basket knocking against him. The person didn’t even notice, just walked straight ahead. It wasn’t a painful hit or anything, but the fact that he seemed to be invisible to those around him caused a pang in his chest, which constricted more with his increasing anxiety. III returned to Vessel and their cart, showing him the items so he could cross them off, before looking at the list over his shoulder. Vessel put his finger under a little star beside an item, signaling that those are the ones in their general area. III pressed a kiss to his shoulder, before walking off mumbling a short list under his breath as he scanned the shelves. They rearranged the aisle again.
Vessel stepped around their cart to get a packet of candy from the shelf, looking for the right kind, hands hovering as his eyes searched for the familiar package. A man brushed against him, then almost pushed him, reaching for something on a higher shelf. He mumbled something towards Vessel which he couldn’t quite catch, but he suspected it was better that way. It all made his skin crawl and he wanted to shake off the feeling. Taking a few steps back instead, he returned to their cart, waiting until the rude man got his fill of chocolate-covered raisins. He desperately wanted to get shopping over with. He knew today wasn’t going to be an easy one the moment he woke up, but hoped it wouldn’t get this bad. Somewhere an alarm went off, a shrill tone reverberating across the store, causing Vessel to wince. He was getting antsy and could feel every person around him, the way they moved, the breaths they took, each item they put in their baskets. Vessel was so lost in the haziness around him that he jumped when II stepped beside him and could hardly focus on his partner checking in on him. The other immediately noticed Vessel slightly trembling and how his breaths started to quicken. III was just walking towards them, eyes focused on Vessel’s hands grabbing onto the cart handle, quickly waving IV over who was about to turn to the other side of the isle. When they reached their cart III was already handing the car keys to II, who murmured to Vessel, keeping him close to his side with one hand on his back and another leading him by the arm closer to him. The two of them walked out of the store, II talking the whole way to distract Vessel with his voice, to give him something to cling to as he did his breathing exercises.
III and IV finished up shopping and walked to the car to find II cradling Vessel against him in the back seat, rubbing his back. Vessel was sniffling but his breathing seemed relatively calm, which meant they got through the worst of it. III started loading their bags into the back, while IV opened the door on Vessel’s side after he made sure the parking lot around them was relatively empty. Fishing out a juice box from one of the bags, he bent down to offer it to Vessel, who took it with a trembling hand and a nod of thanks. IV noticed he had the small shrimp plush from II’s keychain in his hands, caressing the fabric, fiddling with the legs as he rubbed one after the other. “It’s okay, love, we can go home now.” He reached up to twirl a strand of Vessel’s hair around his finger. III stepped behind him to check on them, as well as provide cover so Vessel wouldn’t feel too exposed, but the outside air would still flow into the car. A few minutes passed, and his partners switched to talking about what they wanted to do in the afternoon, their ideas for dinner, and what they should watch for movie night. It helped distract Vessel and he knew he had all the time he needed to calm down before they went home, because the others would never rush him. When he seemed a bit more at ease, III offered him a granola bar and gently asked if he was okay to go. Vessel gave a nod, so III squeezed his knee and got into the car to drive them home.
Vessel didn’t speak until late afternoon, only communicating with nods and shakes of his head, preferring to curl up on the couch against III, focusing on the random movie on TV and his partner’s gentle hands rubbing along his back. IV draped a blanket over him and joined them, occasionally leaving to the kitchen to help II with dinner. They settled for a simple pasta dish – incidentally one of Vessel’s comfort meals - and made a pot of tea, setting it all down on the coffee table to cool. They repeatedly reassured him that he was okay, that sometimes simple things like the grocery store can be overwhelming. It didn’t always have a reason, and today it was simply being exposed to other people, sharp lights, and unexpected sounds which proved a bit too much for him to handle. They understood. Vessel felt like less of a failure, especially when after dinner, his partners surrounded him on the couch and peppered him in kisses, everywhere from his hand up to his face, listing off things they loved about him. When II got to the tip of his nose, he mentioned Vessel’s eyes, looking into them with a gentle gaze, and Vessel whispered a ‘Thank you’, addressing all three of them. II responded with a soft kiss to his lips, cuddling into Vessel’s side to turn towards the TV to see what movie III and IV ended up choosing.
With time, they got to a point of Vessel asking if they could buy something, or suggesting they try a new restaurant. He was sheepish at first, unsure if he crossed a line, but he was quickly met with encouragement and the reminder that he had nothing to be afraid of. There was no reprimand on the other side of the line. There was no line, not really. III tried to hide his smile and relief when they went shopping and Vessel automatically put his snack of choice at the time into their cart, without asking them if it was okay first. The other didn’t even seem to realize he did it, but to them, it felt like such a big step for him, III couldn’t help, but walk up to his partner comparing two types of rice, and hug him from behind, pressing a quick kiss behind his ear.
Their home held space for everyone’s favorites, even if they didn’t line up with each other. There was a tub of lemon sorbet and salted caramel chocolate chip ice cream beside each other in the freezer. Vessel finally had several hoodies and changes of clothes, getting rid of the ones that were worn thin. He sometimes treated himself to things when he felt like it, even buying clothes when they caught his eye, much to his partners’ delight. He accepted gifts more easily and became more open in telling his partners if he didn’t like something. They just wanted to know him better and make sure he had the things that he liked. Vessel realized he didn’t always want what the others did. None of them did. And like any of them, he was allowed to feel like that and to have something else instead. Anything he liked.