Chapter Text
"Jingyan, you are acting like a child!"
Of course, Lin Shu expected as much. Despite Prince Jing's imperial heritage and meritorious attitude, Jingyan had always been sensitive and easily affected. Under the steel armor of a battle harden warrior had always been a childlike idealism and innocence. Jingyan was neither gullible nor witless, but the man possessed a sort of unconditional positive regard for everyone. It was too obvious to Lin Shu whenever Jingyan silently anguished over how others didn't treat him the same way.
Nothing could ever hurt more than watching Jingyan hold back tears. Not even the vehement agony of being both scorched and chilled at the same time could compare to the piercing sensation he felt right now. The wretched heartache clenched his chest and made it difficult to breathe. It was easy to lie to Nihuang to protect her feelings, but he couldn't bring himself to lie to Jingyan again when the other was still reeling from the backlash of his lengthy deceit.
So, Mei Changsu simply stood and watched with narrowed eyes as Jingyan clumsily shield himself behind a facade of detachment and steadiness. The prince lowered the hand holding a jade cup that he'd been ready to throw against the ground. Looking everywhere but at him, Jingyan said, "I was only worried about your health. The battlefield is cruel and demanding. If Lin Chen approves tomorrow, then I won't worry."
Mei Changsu lifted his arms for a formal bow. His sleeve fluttered straight as he began to bend his back in the traditional display of respect. "Your humble servant thanks-"
No, he couldn't do it. If he thought it was painful before, someone might as well have ripped his still-beating heart out of his chest now. He watched sadly as Jingyan's fingers clenched the jade cup so tightly his knuckles turned white. Yet, the prince hadn't made any sentimental outbursts or attempted to disrupt his rank-appropriate reply. With an informal inclination of his head, Lin Shu lowered his hands and revised what came out of his mouth, "Thank you, Jingyan. If there was any other way, do not think I would not have preferred a retreat."
Jingyan had improved a lot over the two years. The trust that Mei Changsu fostered was reciprocated as complete faith and devotion when Jingyan knew of his true identity. Yet, Prince Jing responded and acted cardinally in public, handling the situation with a blend of distance and professionalism that made Lin Shu proud. It was only when everyone else was outside and the doors were locked that Jingyan crumbled his written request to join the army and hurled it harshly against a pillar.
"I should have known," said Jingyan. Somehow, Lin Shu knew they were no longer talking about his request to join the forces against the invasion. Instead, Jingyan was finally ready to address the tension that'd hung over them in the last few days since he became aware of Mei Changsu's identity and the Meiling case was reopened for judgement.
"That was the last thing I could have allowed to happen," replied Lin Shu. He casually leaned against a bookcase, a pose that bore resemblance to his younger self's haughty postures. Except he was leaning against the sturdy wood for borrowed strength now. The last months were harsh and the battle on the hunting ground took a steep toll on his body. Unless he burned with fever, his body felt permanently chilled to the bones. No matter how many layers he wore or how close to summer it was, his body was incapable of producing any heat.
Lin Shu refused to let himself shudder in front of Jingyan.
"It wasn't as if I didn't know," murmured Jingyan. His eyes were watery with unshed tears, but unless you were looking as closely as Lin Shu was, there wouldn't have been a way to tell. The prince straightened his robes and took a seat behind a low table near the bookcase that Lin Shu was leaning against. "I've always dreamed about you, but after I first met Mei Changsu, the dreams suddenly became so vivid I could have sworn I was awake."
"Maybe you were awake," Lin Shu joked.
"Just like how you are funny," Jingyan immediately retorted. The two exchanged a grin and Lin Shu found himself watching the prince with a rapt fascination as the grin settled back into a stern downward turn of lips as the prince began to look over the booklets in preparation for tomorrow's court. As always, work and duty took precedence in Jingyan's mind, even when he had a guest over. Jingyan paused to acknowledge, "My apologies. My royal father asks that I finish reading and commenting on all these by tomorrow."
Lin Shu nodded, falling silent. He knew they could continue to talk while Jingyan worked, but he liked how comfortable the silence was right now. The flickering candlelight accentuated the man's well-defined facial structure and Lin Shu found himself marveling at how beautiful Jingyan was.
The information wasn't news to him. He'd always appreciated Jingyan's beauty from what he thought was a clinical point of view, with mild envy. When he was younger, he'd been praised for his brilliance and innovation, but never his looks. Jingyan, on the other hand, always had that look-twice appeal. Jingyan was the one the servants giggled about and the noblewomen gave shy glances at through their lashes. Luckily, Jingyan was engrossed by his work and hadn't felt his weighted stare.
Lin Shu's attention was brought back to the present when Jingyan scowled and crumbled the commentary he was writing to take a new piece of paper and began writing it again. Amused, Lin Shu walked over to the crumbled piece of paper to see what peeved the prince. Before he finished straightening out the piece of paper, Jingyan spoke, "The 'tà' character. My strokes were sloppy and my royal father would think me incompetent if my writing is untidy."
Indeed, there was two and a half sentence on the blank piece of paper before the words ended at a lopsided 龘' character. The character, with 48 strokes, was one of the most difficult ones to write. Yet, the character was composed of three 'dragon' characters and if Jingyan couldn't write it well, it would reflect badly on the crowned prince. Soon enough, there was another irritated sigh from the prince and Lin Shu assumed that another half-written commentary was ruined. This time, one of the strokes in the character was far too heavy, causing a muddled botch in the character.
"You need to hold the brush more like a brush and less like a sword," Lin Shu commented airily. His words were exaggerated and he probably deserved the irked glare Jingyan sent his direction. Jingyan's calligraphy was typically efficient and tidy. It was never elegant and distinctive the way Lin Shu's was, but every character was presentable.
Sweeping over, Lin Shu plucked the brush out of Jingyan's hand and drew out the character with a smug gleam in his eyes. Even with his slacken grip on the brush, the problematic character came out exquisitely. His calligraphy lacked the intense vigor it used to posses, but there was something artistic in the dainty style his handwriting came to possess. Jingyan looked less than impressed when he took the brush back and attempted the character again. The first stroke he made as he dipped the brush on the paper already came out excessive.
Jingyan frowned.
"There, there," said Lin Shu. "Let me show you."
Without thinking, he closed the distance between them and he was half draped over the prince as his hand closed over the prince's on the brush. Underneath him and against him, Jingyan tensed deliciously. Lin Shu wasn't sure why the sudden action felt so intimate or why it felt as though the air around them was disappearing mote by mote. It became obvious to him that his own breathing was deliberately controlled and he could feel an invisible pulse enveloping both of them. Jingyan himself appeared startled and the prince was staring fiercely at the piece of paper in front of them.
It was just because the situation was atypical, Lin Shu realized. Usually, it was always the older party that demonstrated to the younger one how to write and draw. When he was alive, it was Prince Qi who had the patience to teach everyone while Lin Shu only showed off his own work. As a strategist, he really had no right to be bending over his lord and correcting his liege's handwriting.
Hadn't he always been the one who took care of Jingyan, though? Even though the prince was two years his senior, Lin Shu had always acted the role of an elder brother. He'd always been the rational decision maker to Jingyan's hesitant obedience. Therefore, Lin Shu concluded that it was completely appropriate for him to show Jingyan how to properly draw out the complicated character.
"You have to lighten the pressure on your brush," Lin Shu forced the words through the knot in his throat. Under his hand, he felt Jingyan adjust his grip on the brush. The movement felt automatic, as if Jingyan's mind was a thousand miles away. Lin Shu adjusted his own grip until his fingers pressed neatly against Jingyan's. Lin Shu's heart beat wildly against his chest as he guided Jingyan's hand through each of the 48 strokes of the character.
The sensation was remarkable. Jingyan's hand was robust and full of energy while his own grip was frail, but he maneuvered the other's hand seamlessly. While writing, his attention strayed from the character to Jingyan's fingers. It was unfair that someone with such a beautiful face had such enticing hands, too. Besides, his mind concluded with a mysterious conviction that Jingyan's scent was fascinating, something that Lin Shu wouldn't mind burying his nose into.
"Understand?" The finished character stared up at them, an odd infusion of Lin Shu's delicate script and Jingyan's fortitude. For some reason, Lin Shu wanted the piece of paper to look at the character every day, but that was too insane of a request to make right now. Maybe he would command Fei Liu to search through Jingyan's trash to retrieve it later.
Jingyan mutedly shook his head no.
"I guess you better use another character," said Lin Shu. His tone was cheerful, not betraying the unexplainable stir he felt right now. He readied himself to pull away and released his hold on Jingyan's hand. At the same time, Jingyan released the brush and the prince's hand flipped to grip his wrist, holding him in place. The brush fell on a spot next to the character, creating a blemish of ink where it landed. Lin Shu watched as Jingyan arranged the words he wanted to say in his mind.
"I had the strangest feeling," said Jingyan. His grip on Lin Shu's wrist tightened, just as Lin Shu's heart skipped a beat. Jingyan shook his head and there was a faraway look in his eyes. "It is the same kind of feeling that kept reminding me of Lin Shu whenever I saw Mei Changsu." Gently, Jingyan pressed their hands down onto the table, as if he could hold both of them in place forever. "It tells me I will never see you again after you leave for war."
"It is your anxiety speaking," Lin Shu murmured. He had the vaguest feeling that the words that came out of Jingyan's mouth weren't the ones he had wanted to hear. But he couldn't phrase what he had wanted to hear. Shifting his position, Lin Shu sat down, wincing at the movement. Jingyan was upset and that was the reason-excuse Lin Shu gave himself to be so close. Unassumingly, he closed his fingers over the tip of Jingyan's fingers, wondering if he could borrow the other's body heat for just a moment.
"Of course it is," said Jingyan. Unless it violated the man's principles, Jingyan never disagreed with his friends, Lin Shu remembered. He obeyed orders from those he perceived to be his superior and never thought to question established rules. Lin Shu had always been the more mischievous one, the ringleader that everyone thought was cool, smart and different.
Lin Shu smiled at the memories.
"Don't worry," said Lin Shu. "We will always be good brothers."
Jingyan was silent for a moment and Lin Shu's mind raced with guesses of what the silence could mean. There was something that bothered him about the word he chose, but if brother was the wrong word, then what was a stronger one? A better word that explained why, beyond justice and patriotism, Lin Shu did every single thing he did for just for Jingyan. A word to annotate why Lin Shu was willing to endure anything and bear all the burden if it mean Jingyan could live an easier, guilt-free life.
Mei Changsu was known for his fairness and kind regard for anyone who wasn't his enemy. Lin Shu was regarded as a selfless hero by those who knew him. Deep inside himself, Lin Shu knew that what he wanted of Jingyan was, and had always been, extremely, extremely selfish. If he could be completely honest with himself, navigating the initially unwilling Jingyan to the throne also had something to do with how he wanted to bequest Jingyan the entire world. It was just easier to say that Prince Jing was a better choice than the puppet crowned prince or the vicious and cunning Prince Yu.
Since his illness and fate prevented him from spending more time by Jingyan's side, then he wanted the man to never, ever spend a waking day without thinking about him. Even if he hated seeing Jingyan hurt, Lin Shu felt a demented kind of pleasure from the sorrow and heartache Jingyan would feel every time the man thought about Mei Changsu and Lin Shu in the future. He wanted Jingyan to forever remember that there was no one in the world who ever had, ever did nor ever will sacrifice, suffer or do more for him. As Lin Shu would only admit to himself deep inside his hellish nightmares, he'd always been selfish when it came to Jingyan.
"Brothers," said Jingyan. It sounded like an amiable agreement, a promise about their friendship, and for once, Lin Shu couldn't decipher what else Jingyan could have meant. A wavering smile spread on the Jingyan's face and he rapidly blinked a few times. The prince looked another direction, a habit he'd always had when he was trying not to cry.
Lin Shu smiled gently and retracted his hand, mourning at the distance he was creating as he moved to stand. Shaking his head as he stood, Lin Shu commented, "My legs grow numb after just a few minutes. I am getting old."
"Now you are just insulting me," said Jingyan. Lin Shu observed that the prince had taken their piece of paper with the "tà" character and the splotch of ink and placed it beside his seat, as if he was going to keep it. Lin Shu had a feeling he wouldn't have any chance of getting his hand on that piece of paper unless he sent someone to raid the prince's bedroom.
"Would this humble servant of yours dare to do that, Your Highness?"
"A better question is, what doesn't that humble servant of mine dare to do," said Jingyan. The prince had taken a new piece of paper and he was rewriting his commentaries. This time, the words flowed smoothly from his brush and Lin Shu noticed that the prince opted not to use the "tà" character he'd previously failed to use. The prince had actually taken Lin Shu's joke to use another character to heart and Lin Shu silently chuckled.
"There are plenty of things I would not dare to do, Jingyan," said Lin Shu. Jingyan's brush stopped moving and Jingyan lifted his head at the inexplicable tone. Lin Shu smiled calmly at the confused look Jingyan gave him, noticing how the prince's grip on his brush tightened ever so slightly.
"But are they things that you'd want to do?" asked Jingyan. Now, he seemed baffled by the notion. Lin Shu could read the thoughts running through his mind. Since birth Lin Shu was a child who got everything he wanted exactly the way he wanted, whenever he wanted it. The spoiled child became even more precious when Lin Shu proved himself to be a prodigy of warfare, literature and art. Mei Changsu had also proved himself to be a daring man capable of accomplishing astonishing feats and winning against paramount odds.
"They are things that I have wanted to do more than anything else," said Lin Shu. He smirked at how Jingyan's eyebrows furrowed at the perplexing revelation. Soon, Lin Shu wasn't able to hold back his laughter and Jingyan rolled his eyes in irritation. The prince became convinced he'd fallen for another one of Lin Shu's not-funny jokes.
While the moment come to pass, ink had gathered at the tip of Jingyan's raised brush and dripped onto the commentary Jingyan was writing, splashing on a character Jingyan previously wrote.
Seeing that, Lin Shu laughed even harder.
"You," said Jingyan. He pulled out the ruined piece of paper and tossed it out in front of him. Then, he prepared a new piece of paper and sent a warning look at Lin Shu. "Sit quietly on the side and entertain yourself with something. I actually have to get these done by sunrise tomorrow."
"I think I will retire and go home. It is late and I am getting tired. My men have been waiting outside for an hour already," said Lin Shu. Not only had the meeting stretched on later than he'd predicted, he also hadn't account for a brief meeting with Jingyan. He watched on curiously as Jingyan attempted to write his commentaries once again, this time with a look of determination on his face. "Besides, it does not seem like Your Highness is capable of getting any work done when I am here. Is it my handsome looks or unparallel wits?"
"It's your stinking feet," Jingyan muttered under his breath.
"Yours," said Lin Shu.
Without another word, Jingyan nodded in dismissal and lifted his head to watch Lin Shu make his exit. Lin Shu walked over to the door and gave a carefree wave as he opened the door to let himself out. "I know you miss me already, water ox."
He grinned wickedly as a brush came flying his direction to land a few inches to the right of him. Jingyan always had a great aim and Lin Shu knew the brush was never meant to hit him.
The grin grew wider when he remembered that Jingyan only had one brush on his table.