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Tommy had asked him, not once or twice, but at least a dozen times. He had asked Wilbur not to come to church because it was risky. They could get caught any moment, if someone saw them together and told his father about it. Tommy would be a dead man if that happened. Yet Wilbur never listened. And after choir practice on Friday, he showed up unannounced. Granted, it was Tommy’s fault, telling him that he’d stay behind after practice to catch up on his piano skills, but he wasn’t expecting Wilbur to just show up!
“Lock the door after yourself and bring it to me,” Father Chris had said before walking out the door. He didn’t trust many people with the church keys, Tommy was exceptional in that as well, and now he felt dirty for taking advantage of it.
“What are you doing?” he whisper-shouted as Wilbur walked into the holy place.
The man only shrugged, “I wanted to see you, but apparently you’d rather spend your Friday afternoon with a piano.”
“Father Chris granted me access to the church, not you! What would he think if he saw you here?”
“Is he here?”
“...Well, no.”
“Is he coming back anytime soon?”
“...No.”
“Then nothing to worry about.”
Tommy shook his head and turned back to the instrument in front of him. He let his hands rest on the keys and took a deep breath before his fingers started dancing over them, creating a beautiful melody.
Wilbur stood a few feet away, watching in awe as his boy played. He played for a while before he messed up a key, and in frustration, he hit the piano, making a loud noise with the instrument, then stopped playing.
“Hey, don’t hurt yourself.”
“It was almost perfect! It has to be perfect by tomorrow!”
Wilbur slowly stalked closed until he was right behind Tommy, and the boy leaned his back against his thigh. Wilbur let his fingers tangle into blond curls and Tommy almost melted at the feeling of them gently massaging his scalp. “Why tomorrow?”
Tommy needed a moment before he could put his thoughts into words, too focused on soft fingertips and blunt nails scraping sensually at the top of his head. It was mind-numbing. “There’s this… charity event… Father Chris organised it. He wants the choir to sing… and he also asked me to play the piano.”
“Charity for what?”
“We’re, uh… collecting money for our nursing home.”
“You’re playing music for a bunch of old people?”
“Uh-huh.”
Wilbur finally let go of him, hand slipping from Tommy’s hair and the thigh he was leaning against also disappearing. He almost fell back, too focused on the tingly feeling to notice Wilbur moving in time. But he didn’t go far, no, Wilbur sat down next to him on the tiny piano chair. Their arms and thighs were pressed flush together, warming Tommy’s skin to the bone. He smelled so fucking good, and his side profile looked so soft like this. With his long lashes and fluffy hair and plush lips. Shit his mouth was moving!
“Huh?”
He smiled as he looked at Tommy. “I said, teach me.”
“What? The piano?”
“Yes, this song you’re playing. Teach me.”
“It’s a hard song to learn as your first. I’d have to teach you the basics first and–”
Wilbur’s fingers wrapped around Tommy’s wrist and lifted it to place his hand over the top of Wilbur’s. He put his hands on the piano, and Tommy finally understood. He covered Wilbur’s hands with his own.
“Play,” the man told him. And oh, God above, it proved to be one of the most difficult things Tommy had ever tried to do.
He tried directing Wilbur’s hands from key to key, but it was difficult, Wilbur kept pressing the wrong ones, or he didn’t go with Tommy’s hand and they fell out of rhythm. Not to mention what their proximity and this new contact point was doing to Tommy’s head.
“We should maybe switch,” Wilbur said in a fit of giggles. “I’ll put my hands on top of yours.”
“Y-yeah, good idea.”
And they switched. And now Tommy,’s hands were fully covered by two beautiful large hands, of which he couldn’t take his eyes off. Now he was messing up possibly even more, absolutely unaware of what he was supposed to be playing. It all just came out as a horrible noise that made Wilbur laugh. His laugh was so pretty.
“This is awful!”
“It would be better if I could concentrate!” Tommy said defensively.
“Why can’t you concentrate?”
Tommy blushed. He knew Wilbur was teasing him, could even hear the smile in his voice as he asked the question, but he couldn’t help the warmth that spread over his whole face.
“You know why,” he mumbled.
“Why?” Wilbur ducked his face, trying to meet Tommy’s eyes that were desperately avoiding him. “Do I make you nervous, Tommy?”
“Shut the fuck up, bitch.”
Wilbur laughed again. “Swearing in a church, wow… I wonder what other unholy things I could get you to do in here.”
When Wilbur lifted Tommy’s head with a gentle hand on his chin, Tommy already knew what he wanted to do. When he tilted his head to the left ever so slightly, that’s when Tommy pulled away. Wilbur let him.
“Not here…”
“Okay. I’m sorry.”
“No, it’s just… it’s still hard.”
Wilbur nodded. “I understand,” he said, though his voice was clearly hurt.
Wilbur reluctantly stood up from the chair and let Tommy get back to playing. He sat down in a pew and played on his phone while listening to Tommy. It wasn’t awkward by any means, Tommy enjoyed spending time with Wilbur like this, both of them quiet while he played the piano. But he couldn’t help his thoughts racing. About what Wilbur must’ve felt being denied like that, or how good it would’ve felt to give in to him.
They hadn’t done anything yet. Tommy was so unsure of everything happening, and Wilbur didn’t want to push him. He said he wanted Tommy to come to him when the time was right, not because he felt like Wilbur had cornered him. So they just… sort of existed in each other’s company. There was that constant flirting from Wilbur’s side that Tommy was slowly getting used to, but other than that, nothing. And it hadn’t even got close to how far it went that one time… Tommy still felt guilty. Every time he lay in bed while talking to Wilbur, he remembered what he made himself feel that one time. It was getting harder to resist doing it again.
“That one was better than the previous,” Wilbur said as Tommy came to the end of the song once again.
“Yeah, that was the best one so far.”
“You’re gonna knock it out of the park tomorrow. You’re gonna be amazing.”
“You’re just saying that ‘cause you know that’s what I wanna hear.”
“Not true. I know you’re gonna do amazing because I just heard you do amazing.” Wilbur grinned as he stood and walked over to Tommy again. “Can’t wait to hear it.”
“No,” Tommy pushed himself away from the instrument, standing as well to face Wilbur. “You can’t come, please don’t come.”
Wilbur inhaled sharply and turned his head to the side. From this angle, Tommy could see the way his jaw clenched and unclenched. “Why do you do this? I just wanna watch you perform and you never let me.”
“It’s risky!”
“I don’t give a fuck! I’m not even gonna go near you if that’s what you want, I’ll just go to the stupid event. I’ll even be a stand-up citizen and donate some money. You won’t have to look at me. Just let me look at you. ”
Tommy contemplated it for a moment, but ultimately, he couldn’t resist Wilbur. He made it seem so easy, how he described it like that. Tommy actually believed there could be nothing wrong with him coming to see the performance.
“Fine. Just blend in, please. No band tees or ripped jeans or flashy jewelry. Actually, take out all of your ear piercings. And your tattoo–”
“I’ll blend in so well people will mistake me for the priest,” he said with an easygoing smile and lifted Tommy’s hands to press little kisses to the back of them. “Ready to go? I’ll drop you off.”
Tommy grinned. “Drop me off where?”
“You’ll just have to see, won’t you?”
Wilbur took him to that same café where they’d already been a couple times together. They had a drink and a nice chat before they went on their way to Tommy’s home. Or at least to the crossroad. They didn’t like taking chances, when Wilbur took him home they always parked a while ahead of the actual house so Tommy’s parents would have no way of seeing.
“You’re late,” his mum commented as soon as he walked through the front door
.
“Yeah, I needed some piano practice, I stayed behind in church. Father Chris also held me up for a minute when I took the keys back to his place.”
Lying was getting easier the more he did it. He realised that no matter how scary his parents seemed, no matter what he imagined of them as a kid, they couldn't always see everything Tommy ever did, and they couldn’t always tell when he was lying.
He went to sleep that night with Wilbur on his mind, shockingly. There had hardly been a day since they started talking when Tommy didn’t think of Wilbur before going to sleep. The subtle intimacy between them was getting to his head; the way their legs pressed together, their hands touching, or the way Wilbur lifted his head to make him look at him. They were really close to kissing again, weren’t they? It would’ve been their second kiss ever and it would’ve happened in church. The irony of that was ridiculous, Tommy’s God slowly seeping out of his mind to give room to Wilbur, and the very same thing happening in church as well. God was nowhere near what happened between them today. They stood in his house, breathed his air, yet He was nowhere. Only Wilbur.
Only Wilbur…
Tommy woke up with a lump in his throat the next day. Not only nervous about his performance, but also about seeing Wilbur where he wasn’t supposed to. He was scared of people noticing, his father noticing. But he had said yes to Wilbur, and honestly, he didn’t want to take it back. He wanted Wilbur to come and watch him. He just wished they could be alone.
He and his parents got dressed in something appropriate and before noon, they were out the door, heading to the local nursing home where the event would take place. Tommy sent a text to Wilbur.
Tommy (sent 11:47 am)
We’re on our way. Remember to blend in.
Wilbur (sent 11:49 am)
Don’t worry darling, I’m only going to see you, then I’m out of there.
The name made Tommy grin like a stupid schoolgirl, and he was tempted to take a screenshot of the message to save for later, but ultimately decided against it. He put his phone away without an answer and spent the car ride trying to calm his nerves.
The nursing home’s rec room was decorated for the event. Tables with crisp white tablecloths scattered around the room, with a few other, more comfortable seating options no doubt for the nursing home residents. The walls were decorated with lovely handmade banners and paper flowers; Tommy guessed they were done by the primary school teacher who had been sweet on Father Chris since he moved here 7 years ago. He always thought they would make a nice couple, but with Father Chris being… who he was, there was no way they could ever be together.
It’s crazy how everything could make him think of Wilbur…
The charity event started not long after they arrived. A long lineup of programs, speeches and awkward performances of young schoolchildren, which was much more boring than Tommy had anticipated. He was itching to just get up and get it over with. The only thing he wanted was to see Wilbur watching him as he played and then get out of there. Preferably with Wilbur.
Father Chris announced the choir, and when Tommy stood in front of all those people with the rest of the choir members, his eyes were only searching for one person. All in vain, because he couldn’t find him. He was so distracted he started singing a beat later than everyone else, but he managed to save it. The whole time he stood there, he was looking, but could not see that familiar mop of brown curls that he wanted to see more than anything.
Once the song was over, Tommy sat down in front of the piano in the corner and just played. Absentmindedly. His hands guided moreso by routine than by conscious thought. His mind was too occupied to really pay attention to what keys he was pressing, he just hoped he was still playing the song he was supposed to. When he looked down at his hands, he saw a different pair, like the night before when Wilbur had covered them with his own. Such a gentle touch. Where the fuck was he now?
He wasn’t aware that the song had ended, he just stopped playing and people started clapping. That brought him out of his head enough to look around one more time and– there!
Wilbur shot him a smile from the other side of the room before he walked out. Tommy followed him without a second thought.
He saw Wilbur in the hallway, but he couldn’t catch up to him, only followed until they arrived at the bathroom. As he closed the door behind himself, he didn’t even have time to take in his surroundings before he was pulled into a bear hug so tight he felt like his ribs could break any second. Tommy just let out a little laugh.
“Have I told you how amazing you are? Because you are. Your voice. The way you play the piano so effortlessly. You’re just… how do you make everything look so easy?”
Tommy sighed as his entire body went slack against Wilbur’s, letting the man hold up the majority of his body weight. “Lately everything’s been feeling very not easy, actually.”
“What do you mean?”
“Um… have you checked if there’s anyone in the stalls?”
“Yes, we’re alone. I can lock the door, too, if you’d like.”
“We’re in a nursing home, Will, the doors don’t have locks.”
“Fuck. Whatever, we’ll just stand here.” The man pushed Tommy up against the door, blocking anyone else from getting in there. “Now talk.”
The word vomit that almost instantly poured out of his mouth surprised both Wilbur and Tommy to the same degree. Tommy didn’t even think about what he wanted to say, he didn’t have time to carefully construct his thoughts into sentences that made half a sense at the very least, he just opened his mouth and–
“I feel like I’m playing a game in the third person or something. I don’t know what I’m doing anymore, I’m just observing. I don’t realise I’m doing or saying or thinking something before I do, I don’t recognise myself anymore. Like… the songs. I didn’t even know what I was singing or playing, I was just doing it. I watched my hands move and they weren’t my hands, they were yours. Your hands were on mine again, like yesterday. You sit with me in classes, during lunch, while I’m doing my homework. You’re scratching at my brain when I’m trying to focus on something else. You lie in my bed next to me late at night. Every beat of my heart sounds like your name; Wil-bur, Wil-bur, Wil-bur. Can you hear it? Here, give me your hand, put it on my chest. Feel it. It’s not– it’s there , you can feel it, I can hear it. My entire body, it’s like it doesn’t even belong to me anymore. I feel like I’ve been possessed by some kind of demon or angel or fuck knows what, but it’s– it’s you. And it scares the shit out of me.”
Wilbur’s wide-eyed stare was understandable. He listened to Tommy while silently nodding along as if he understood a single word. Not even Tommy understood what was going on, and from the look on his face, neither did Wilbur. But he listened. He listened and that’s all Tommy really needed.
“You know.” He swallowed, his throat bobbing with it, as if he was nervous or something. As if it wasn’t Tommy who had just embarrassed himself but instead it was him. “I’ve been trying to find the right words to describe how I feel about you, but I always come up blank because I thought there were no words to describe this. But I think you just found them.”
“...Huh?”
“You live under my skin, Tommy. You’re always on my mind, you give me butterflies– I didn’t think anyone could give me butterflies anymore! I thought I had grown out of that! But apparently not… You make me feel so many things all at once and it makes me want to burst, it makes me want to shower you with my affection all the time and show you exactly what you deserve.”
Tommy’s heart was racing now. In the bathroom of a nursing home with his parents only a couple doors away and Wilbur pressed up against him was not how he thought he’d confess his feelings to the other man. The whole situation was ridiculous, and he was sure God was laughing at him somewhere. Maybe he’d learn to laugh about it as well. Later. When the indescribably heavy weight of Wilbur’s words wouldn’t be pressing down on his chest and choking him up.
Right now, all he could do was take deep breaths through his mouth while looking up at Wilbur. Those pretty eyes of his, an ocean of chocolate that Tommy wanted to swim in. Wilbur seemed almost as scared as Tommy felt. He wished he could help the man, wished he could help himself .
“So…” Wilbur breathed. “What do we do now?”
“I’m. Not sure.”
“What if you were to let me kiss you? Does that sound okay?”
Kiss. Kiss, kiss, kiss, kiss. Kissing Wilbur. Wilbur’s pretty face, his pretty lips. Kissing. Tommy wanted that.
He nodded firmly, wordlessly.
“Say it, Tommy. Let me hear you say you want this.”
“I want this. I want you. I wanna kiss you, please Will–”
Lips crashed into Tommy’s, and it was harsher than he was prepared for. The surprised little sound he let out probably said enough to Wilbur, because he slowed down and their kiss turned languid. It’s exactly what Tommy needed, it felt like an anchor that grounded him to one solid spot in the sea of inconsistency that was his life as of late. Father Chris’ words echoed in the back of his mind.
“Find something stable in your life that you can rely on, something that can pull you out of the weight of your thoughts.”
“He can be your stable point.”
Yes.
Yes, he could be. But he was not God. He was Wilbur.
The stable point, the consistency, the love . It was all Wilbur.
When they parted, Wilbur brushed his nose against Tommy’s and smiled. “I never would’ve thought our second kiss would happen like this.”
Tommy grinned. “How did you imagine it would happen?”
“Something more romantic,” the man said with a shrug. “Our first wasn’t exactly perfect, I wanted the second one to be it.”
“It was. They were both perfect. Because they were with you.”
Wilbur shook his head with a smile that he tried and failed to hide. “Go back to your little charity event. I’ll be going home now. We’ll see each other some other time. When we can be alone.” He tucked a lock of hair behind Tommy’s ear and rubbed his thumb over his jawline.
“I don’t wanna go.”
“Me neither. But your parents will get suspicious eventually. You should go.”
Tommy grabbed Wilbur’s wrist to keep his hand on him for just a few seconds longer. Soothe his burning skin with the cool touch of the man’s fingers. “When will we meet again?”
“I’m not sure. But we’ll make it work, okay?” Tommy nodded, trusting Wilbur wholeheartedly. Wilbur licked his lips before giving Tommy one more sweet kiss, then he pulled away and his stable point was once again gone, leaving Tommy standing on shaky legs. What the fuck, his legs were shaking.
The next time they could properly see each other was next Friday. School was out because of spring break and Tommy had told his parents he would go out to the park for a few hours for a stroll. But the park wasn’t his destination, it was a run-down flat downtown with mould patches on the ceiling and a nice smell of tea and deodorant that always seemed to linger in the small space. Today was no exception as Tommy and Wilbur stood in the kitchen with mugs in their hands, warming themselves with the hot liquid.
“I’m sorry for the cold, the heating’s been off for a couple days.”
“It’s fine, I’m good,” Tommy lied with a smile. He hadn’t dared to take his jacket off since he came inside.
“So. I guess we should finally talk about it, huh?”
For the entire week, they had been pretending like nothing happened. Like they didn’t confess their feelings for each other in a public bathroom. Tommy tried to keep the mood lighthearted by sending loads of memes, and Wilbur went along with it, never calling or trying to get another spontaneous visit. For a week, they went back to being just friends. And it was awful.
And as awful as it was to not talk about it, Tommy was convinced talking about it would be even more awful.
“Hey, where’s James?”
“Working. He’s been pulling a couple of extra shifts lately, says it helps him keep his mind off things.”
“So we’re alone?”
“Yes.”
He could’ve said so before Tommy offered to come over.
“That’s um… good.”
“Yeah…” Wilbur took a sip of his tea. “Happy Easter by the way. You celebrate this thing, right?”
“Uh yeah, I do. We’re going to mass later and all.”
“Fun.”
“Why don’t you celebrate?”
“Nothing to celebrate, really.”
“Satan doesn’t like Easter then?”
Wilbur chuckled. “You know I don’t believe all that bullshit, right? I don’t worship the devil.”
“But… you said you’re a Satanist.”
“Satanism is a non-theistic religion. We don’t believe in a biblical satanic figure, our religion is simply based around an anti-hero. To me, satanism just means a lifestyle, I live my life based on the 11 satanic rules of the Earth.”
Tommy’s eyebrows furrowed in confusion. He’d never heard of this before, he’d always been told that Satanists worship the devil and they were really bad people. But now Wilbur was saying something completely different. “What are the 11 rules?”
Wilbur listed all rules by heart, saying every word with feeling, like he was reciting poetry. Tommy’s not sure what he was expecting when he heard Satanic rules, but the ones Wilbur had told him certainly caught him off guard. The rules were fair, nothing bad or disrespectful about them, they simply followed the ideals of live and let live and an eye for an eye. It went against Jesus’ teachings of turning the other cheek and such, but Tommy sort of liked them.
“These are nice. Good rules to live by.”
“I know, I’ve always liked them. The very first time I found Satanism, it fascinated me right away.” He smiled and stepped closer to Tommy. “I tend to get really into things that interest me. You, for example...”
“Me?”
“Yeah. From the very first moment I saw you, it was like for two minutes or so as you came into the flat and then left. That’s all it took for me to become interested in you.”
“Why did I even interest you?”
Another step forward and now they were so close Tommy could feel Wilbur’s body heat. He gripped his mug tightly, scared his body would weaken again like it did when they kissed a week ago, and the thing would slip from his hands and shatter on the ground.
“Because you’re the most beautiful being I’ve ever seen in my entire life.”
Wilbur took the mug from Tommy’s hands and placed it on the kitchen counter next to them. Instead, he took Tommy’s hands in his own and interlaced their fingers, like awkward little kids touching each other for the first time.
“Look at me,” Wilbur said and Tommy only then realised he’d been staring at their hands. His eyes quickly flicked up to Wilbur’s face and the man smiled again. “There you are. Gosh, you’re so gorgeous. From the first moment I saw you I knew I just had to have you, but I never would’ve thought I’d become absolutely fascinated by your mind, your personality. I feel so guilty for thinking you’d just be a pretty face because you’re everything, Tommy.”
Tommy couldn’t help the grin that spread over his face, and he tried to look away from Wilbur only for the man to turn his head back with a hand on his chin. “You’re not the only one who assumed things from looks, you know. Most people think you’re a criminal. I was one of those people, too.”
“Have a thing for criminals, then?” he teased with a grin. Tommy pushed at his chest.
“No, I’m pretty sure I only have a thing for you.”
“Is that so?”
“Mhmm.”
Wilbur tilted Tommy’s head back even further and if Tommy wasn’t leaning against the kitchen counter, he would’ve lost his balance with the way Wilbur kissed him. It made his head swim in the best way possible and he decided right there that he could never have quite enough of it.