Work Text:
gerard arthur way
time of death 3:22 AM
Simple words, impersonal. They mean nothing to the cold lips they come from. But they mean something to a small man huddled in a corner of the room. His name is Frank and someone special used to call him Frankie but they never will again.
All because of those words. They mean so much. The words sting and hit him and leave him breathless and make him want the next time of death to be his own. Everything hurts.
A nurse with eyes as sterile as the white hospital walls mumbles condolences and moves on to the next job. The sorry doesn't help. Nothing will help. At last Frank manages to get up from the hard chair he was huddled in. There are things to do. He needs to call Donna and Mikey. Tell them he couldn't save the amazing man now headed for the mourge. But he can't do that right now. It's late and Mikey is probably in someone else's bed and Donna needs the sleep because she works two jobs and Frank just can't push the words "dead" and "gone" past his lips. Not yet. Right now he needs to leave. Leave this hospital with walls that have seen far too many deaths and smells like sadness. So he runs.
The elevator is too slow. He takes the stairs and runs out of the hospital, runs along the street. He doesn't know where he's going until suddenly he does. He's standing in front of a church. Frank isn't religious. Sometimes he doesn't know if he believes in god but going to a church seems like the right thing to do so he goes inside and then once again he doesn't know what to do. It's quiet. But it's not the same quiet of the hospital. It's a peaceful quiet and Frank almost feels a little bit better. The church is beautiful. There are paintings and wonderful woodwork. But the thing that stands out to Frank is the beautiful stained glass windows. Frank wants to study them. He wants to show them to Gerard.
And suddenly everything hurts again. Hr can never tell Gerard somethin ever again. He can't see the way his face lights up when he gets inspired. The thought makes Frank want curl up under a blanket and never go outside again.
Instead of doing that Frank walks to the front of the church and then a little to the side where a huge painting of a lady is hanging. Her eyes are so sad and she reminds Frank of something Gerard drew once. But Gerard's drawing showed the lady with bleeding eyes and swords piercing her heart while this lady is simply crying. It calms and soothes the hurt inside of Frank. The lady ties him to Gerard but doesn't bring back painful memories. She's crying with him, she understands.
Eventually Frank leaves the church. The world outside of it hits him blinding and glaring. People are rushing along, starting their day. It's 6:56 now. Somehow Frank spent over 2 hours in the church sobbing. Frank's concept of time and emotion right now is so warped it only felt like a few minutes.
His minutes are over and he has to go on now. He's had his time of grieving. He has responsibilities. He calls Mikey and Mikey yells at him for pulling a sick joke and then he realizes Frank wouldn't joke about that and then Mikey is sobbing and then yelling at Frank again. And Frank just takes it all because Mikey loves Gerard and a part of Frank thinks he deserves it. Gerard is Mikey's older brother but he's also Mikey's best friend and father because they never had one. He's everything to Mikey. Gerard is everything.
Frank says goodbye to Mikey and he feels exhausted so he heads to his apartment. It's his apartment now. Gerard is gone. It's no longer his and Gerard's apartment. Just his. He'll probably get kicked out. There's no way he can afford rent on his own. But who cares? Who fucking cares? Not Frank.
Mikey comes over and lets himself in and Mikey sobs somemore and Frank just holds him and gives him tissues. For some reason Frank's tears have dried up. He's numb. After all nothing matters anymore, what's the use of crying? Crying doesn't help Gerard and it doesn't help Frank. And Frank's tired; too tired to cry.
Mikey stays the night and the next night and they plan the funeral and then Mikey moves in. Half his shit was there anyway and now Frank doesn't have to worry about getting kicked out because everyone likes Mikey. The landlord would probably let them stay there for free if Mikey asked.
Without any real responsibilities or carea, Frank floats through life. He still plays with his band. He screams during songs more than he sings now though, trying to get out any emotion he has in him. He goes into the mosh pit when he isn't playing and gets banged around and when he gets a bloody lip he feels something for the first time. He gets more black eyes and has so many bloody lips and cuts that he has to wear jackets so Mikey doesn't get worried. One night he goes online and reads an article on adrenaline rushes and sudddenly he realizes why Gerard did it and why he needed it.
So Frank starts running again. This time he doesn't run to the church though. He runs to the cemetery. He goes to Gerard's grave. It doesn't have a headstone yet and the ground is still pretty fresh. Only a few bits of grass have started to grow on the mound of dirt. Frank sprawls out and picks at the sprigs. He's still panting from the run.
"Gerard," Frank starts,"I know why you did it. It feels so good. The rush when you bleed or get hurt. It's amazing. But Gerard it hurts others. It hurt me when you died. Gerard you were my best friend and my lover. I loved you. I wanted you to be happy. You didn't need to do that. Why didn't you tell me sooner? Why didn't I notice? I was such a bad boyfriend. I told you I'd always be there. I should have taken better care of you. Gerard. I should have realized. You were always on a different wavelength than everyone else. Maybe you did it for different reasons. Maybe you didn't do it for the rush. For the way it makes you feel after being numb for so long. But Gerard, that's why I do it."
Frank Iero
Found dead at Belleville Cemetrey
Cause of death: Self Harm