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“Kacchan?” It wasn’t often that Izuku opened his door past midnight. It wasn’t often that he had uninvited guests either. But everything was different when it came to Katsuki. Every little thing was taken out of the manual and ripped out, scattered into pieces for Izuku to find and sort through and figure this out. If that was even possible. But nothing was ever impossible with Katsuki.
“Let me in, nerd,” And well he believed that nothing was easy with him either. No. He knew. Not for Katsuki. Never for him. Easy was not a word he’d use.
“Kacchan,” He tried, soft but stern. Questions lingering in one simple word. He knew Katsuki shouldn’t be here. They both knew it- not after- not when-
“Izuku,” He relented and opened the door, taking a step back, just enough for Katsuki to slip in. A small crack- enough for him to worm his way in, in more ways than one. Izuku could never hold up his walls for the man. No matter how hard he tried.
They didn’t speak. Silent air filled with the soft clutter of the door closing and shuffling as Katsuki took off his shoes. Izuku ignored the way Katsuki's hand trembled as he slipped on the pair of worn-down slippers that had always been Katsukis. A pair Izuku had gotten him the moment he got himself this apartment, knowing that the man would come over, expecting him to. He hadn’t managed to get rid of the pair after they parted. Hadn’t really tried to.
Instead, he went to the kitchen where he had been making himself a small after-midnight snack, unable to sleep, tossing and turning in a bed that felt too large for months. Stacked with sheets and pillows that he didn’t own at first. Gifts and ‘stolen’ pieces from Katsuki. Something he’d never tried to get rid of either. Wishing and wanting for it to be different.
“You eating this shit?” Katsuki came to sneer at the ice cream in the bowl that he’d been mixing with varied types of sprinkles and chocolate drizzle on top.
Izuku shrugged, shutting a cabinet after getting a spoon. “I wanted something sweet,”
“You’ll get cavities,” Izuku ignored him turning to lean against the counter and digging in. The ice cream didn’t taste as good as he wanted it to. Well, he wanted to put on his favourite documentary and try and relax. Alas, he was stuck in the kitchen shovelling the ice cream bit by bit trying to pretend it wasn’t as bitter as shitty as the police station coffee. Everything had been a bit more bitter ever since they parted.
The silence stretched between them once more. It was- it was hard to place what it felt like. It was nothing like he’d experienced with Katsuki before. When the silence had been comfortable- when he was able to enjoy time alone with his boyfriend. His former boyfriend. Nothing like the tense silence they dropped into way back when. It was sort of something in the middle of that. Prickling at Izuku’s skin, shedding layers like an onion. Unravelling him in the most uncomfortable ways possible, unleashing something deep within he didn’t want to confront. Not in front of Katsuki at the very least. Maybe not even alone on his bad days.
“Why are you here?” He asked, placing his bowl on the counter and separating them. Izuku tried his best to keep his gaze away from Katsuki but he failed. Taken in by his appearance, rugged and worn out. As if he’d gone straight from patrol to Izuku’s place. And maybe he had. He most definitely had. Izuku always kept up with him and tried to memorise his schedule to know the days when Katsuki was off. Despite the rift between them it was hard to break the habit. One of many.
“Why are you here Kacchan?” He asked again this time turning away, his eyes sweeping over Katsuki’s body but ending on the tiled floor of his kitchen.
“Aren’t you supposed to be home? Why are you here, barging in-” Throwing every bit of delusion Izuku built himself into away. As if he could ever forget about the man in front of him. He tried. He really did. But everything reminded him of what he had lost so easily.
On the news. On the lips of his friends who told him about every little thing that Katsuki got up to outside of hero work. On his phone lock screen, he never got up to change. And here right now- in front of him.
“Where else would I be?” Izuku shuddered and turned away completely facing away from the countertop. This was too much.
“Where else would I be, if this is my home?” Katsuki had slid behind him, hands ghosting over his shoulders. And Izuku knew they belonged there. Around him. Holding him. Reminding him that he was precious and that he was worth every little thing that people gave him, that Katsuki gave him. Something so easily ripped away as they parted almost a year ago. Unspoken words and meaningful gazes told enough to each other. That it was over. Done. That it was time to part as they weren’t truly made for each other as they believed.
Fights that never really were fights. Just silent treatment as the frustration grew. Missed appointments due to work. Something they both understood so easily. But not when it came to them. It had built up. And everything had blown over. Almost ten months ago. As they stood in Katsuki's living room. As Izuku dropped his copy of Katsuki's keys in his palm, uncaring if they landed on the floor. Uncaring as Katsuki screamed at him. He had fled. But then Katsuki hadn’t reached out either. Dropped his pair of keys for Izuku's apartment in the mail box and that was that.
They were done. Supposed to be if not for Katsuki showing up today- here. He showed up like he belonged. Izuku would be a liar if he said that he didn’t.
And yet he leaned into his hold, Katsuki's arms sneaking around his waist to hold.
“I miss you,” He whispered. “To hell this Izuku- we both know we can’t go on like this,”
“Kacchan,” Izuku sighed. “We shouldn’t - it’s-” Izuku sucked a deep breath, shuddering along as Katsuki pressed gentle kisses across his nape. “It’s not right,”
“Don’t care,” Katsuki nipped on his shoulder, drawing him in closer. Izuku melted in his arms unable to resist- had never been able to.
“Kacchan,” He tried. He really did.
“Is it so bad?” Izuku closed his eyes. “Is it so bad to love me?” Tears prickled behind his eyes.
“Never,”
“I love you Kacchan,” Always had. Always will. There would never be a day when Izuku would stop. His love for Katsuki was more than he could grasp even if he tried to. Pushing it back down but it always escaped. Every time he thought he had been able to keep it in check- Katsuki was there and then Izuku felt the love bloom more. It was never-ending. Even after death, he’d love the man like no one else.
“I-” He pushed himself away from Katsuki’s warm hold, unable to think, unable to speak. “I want to love you as you deserve to be loved,”
“I want to love you even if you tell me not to,” Izuku turned around, facing the man. Facing himself in Katsuki’s eyes. Filled with pain and tears. Izuku hated that he was the one to cause that. Hated that each time Katsuki cried it had been him at fault.
“Izuku you’ve never done anything I asked you to, never stopped. I can’t ask you to stop. Couldn’t when I love you just as much,” Izuku stood there his heart bared for the man to take whatever he wanted but he only ever gave. Himself. His love. Anything Izuku asked of him. He had always given. Izuku would be a fool to turn away from that.
“They told me to give you time when- when you left,” Katsuki’s voice cracked at the end.
“I cussed them out, I didn’t want to give you time- I just wanted you,” Katsuki told him about all the times he wanted to reach out but others told him not to. About all the time he stood outside his building wondering if he should go up to his door, but hadn’t. All the times he stared at a ring that he had bought a mere month before they broke up. Izuku couldn’t take it.
“You have me Kacchan,” He whispered reaching out for Katsuki, to hold him. To remind him that this wasn’t one of his wishful dreams, bound to his fantasies that he’d wake up from in the middle of the night. Crying and oh so lonely.
“No, I don’t,”
“Kacchan-” Izuku tried but Katsuki grabbed his shoulders, stilling Izuku on the spot.
“Hear me out nerd,” He whispered, pressing their foreheads together. “I don’t have you when you’re so far away from me when I can’t hold you every time I go to bed. I don’t-” Izuku shook his head. He wasn’t right. No. Katsuki was wrong.
“Katsuki-” Izuku’s hand pressed over his face, thumbing away a tear. “You have me Kacchan, always had. I wished you’d come by- I wanted to see you but I was afraid that you wouldn’t let me. Afraid that you’d think I was desperate, too deep into this. I wanted you so much it hurt- I-” He shuddered.
It was easy to love. It was hard to love Katsuki right. But he was never one to give up.
“We’re both pretty stupid huh?” Izuku laughed.
Katsuki kissed him. It was not the fireworks going off kiss that people so often described it as. It was just a kiss. Simple. Chaste. But it had Izuku’s heart racing. It was familiar like no other. They pulled apart, holding each other.
“If I could have you forever Kacchan, would you have me?”
“You already do, more than forever,” Izuku cried. He cried that night in Katsuki's arms. He cried when he slipped a ring on his finger. He cried when he woke up the next morning Katsuki clutching him close afraid that he’d disappear. He cried that he had decided to walk out so many months ago, that he had decided that this wasn’t going to work out. When he knew that no matter what they always found their way to each other. No matter what.
Katsuki kissed him again as he berated him for leaving out the ice cream bowl to out through the night. Izuku wouldn’t have it any other way.