Chapter Text
As grotesque flesh constrained her in its foul embrace, Barbie decided that the Mindflayer Pod™ accessory was her least favorite. She never thought anything would top the Gelatinous Cube Experience™ in terms of sheer unpleasantness, but the Mindflayer Pod™ took the cake.
She could only watch helplessly as a twisted mindflayer removed a horrific parasitic worm from a pool of glittery slime and approached her. Barbie could feel the pressure of the mindflayer’s telekinesis opening the hidden compartment on her face-
[It’s Mindflayer Parasite Barbie™! Press on her eye and a secret panel opens! Insert a worm and watch her squirm!]
-and inserted the parasite directly into her head. The panel closed, and Barbie could feel something interfacing with her thoughts, an alien presence that wished to transform her into a form that definitely would not market well with the three-to-five-year-old demographic.
A thunderous crash filled the air, and alarms began to blare. The nautiloid ship shuddered once and began to plummet, shimmering between planes as its systems failed.
Barbie had never truly considered death before, but now it was looking her in the face with the intensity of a child trying to win a staring contest. What would happen to her when, in a matter of moments, she either burned up in the atmosphere, or was crushed by debris? Would one of the many death-domain gods claim her soul? Would she be sent to one of the Nine Hells, or the Celestial Heavens? Or did something else wait in store for her?
The resulting explosion hurled her from the Mindflayer Pod™ and sent her rolling down a half-melted beach. Gingerly, she stood up. She was completely fine, as were all her accessories: a war hammer, pink chainmail armor, and a stylish adventurer’s pack to hold everything she was not immediately using.
She started to walk down the beach. She was not sure how far from Barbie’s Gate she had come, but she needed to return home.
Before she could make any progress, she tripped over a prone figure. Barbie recognized her as Shadowheart.
“Hi Shadowheart!” exclaimed Barbie.
[It’s Shadowheart! God’s favorite princess, except for maybe Elsa.]
Shadowheart got to her feet. “Do I know you?” she asked.
“I’m Barbie! I like your Astral Prism™ accessory.”
Shadowheart looked with some surprise at the angular object she clutched in her hand. “How did you know what this is? How do you know my name?” She paused. “I do feel like I know you though…that in some other life you saved mine.”
Barbie felt a pulsing in her head, and Shadowheart doubled over in pain. In that moment, Barbie knew everything Shadowheart knew, and understood she in turn was being read, like the instruction manual for the very complicated House of Hope™ that no one could ever assemble properly.
“We need to-” started Shadowheart, but Barbie shushed her.
“Can’t you hear that?” she asked, referring to the faint strains of ‘Choose Your Fighter’ by Ava Max drifting through the air. “I think a montage is about to start.’
As the song grew louder, Barbie and Shadowheart gathered their companions.
They found Astarion on a ridge.
[Everyone’s favorite little star, Astarion! Comes with certified Kikuichi knives and sneak action!]
He tackled Barbie, holding a knife to her throat. “Do you…not have blood?” he asked, sniffing her neck. “That’s weird.”
“You’re weird,” replied Barbie, who would have frowned, but whose frowning muscles had atrophied a long time ago.
She let him join the party anyway. Those who ceremorphosize together stick together, or something like that.
Gale was stuck in a box. Barbie carefully undid all the myriad twist-ties that held him in place.
[Add a little magic to your life with Gale! He can eat anything from amulets to shoes! (Unfortunately, Gale was recalled after it turned out he had a tendency to explode).]
“I thought I would never get out of there! My deepest thanks,” he said, giving a little bow.
“How many points of articulation do you have?” asked Barbie.
“I can articulate very well, but I don’t think this is the time for lengthy conversations,” replied Gale.
Lae’zel was trapped in a cage. Barbie smashed it with her war hammer.
[Lae’zel can go toe to toe with any G.I. Joe! Dragon mount sold separately.]
“I am unsure if I approve of your style, but you wield a war hammer like a warrior,” she said.
“I can change my outfit if that would be better,” replied Barbie. “I have Plate Armor of Butterfly Swarms, purple chainmail, and some very elegant pieces from Facemaker’s Boutique.”
“I do not believe that is necessary.”
Wyll was showing off his swordsmanship for the tieflings in the Grove.
[Wyll, the gallant Blade of Frontiers! Switch between human and devil modes!]
“Are you going to be laughing in evil’s face and staring down death itself?” he asked. “If so, I would be delighted to join you.”
“I already did the death staring part, and didn’t enjoy it, but it would be nice to have some laughter,” replied Barbie.
“Good enough.”
Karlach showed up ten minutes after the montage ended with a cup of coffee.
[This season’s hottest must-have is Karlach! Charge her engine and watch her go!]
“What did I miss?” she asked.
“A lot,” replied Barbie. “But that’s okay! You’re here now!”
“Damn right.”
The gang was assembled.
After a short, perfectly choreographed musical number explaining their mission, the party set off to find a cure for the mind-flayer parasites and take down the Absolute while they were at it.
Elsewhere, Kentheric Thorm (Ken for short) conferred with Enver Gortash and Orin the Red.
[Here comes trouble! This three-pack contains the ultimate evildoers, as well as one third of the massive Absolute figure. Buy the Goblin Camp™ and Underdark™ sets for the other pieces.]
“For the last time, my job is General,” said Ken. “Not babysitter, which is what it feels like whenever I have to deal with you two.”
“I have no idea what you’re talking about,” said Gortash, sticking his tongue out at Orin.
Orin swiped at it with her sword, and Gortash quickly stopped.
Ken sighed. “Are you two aware of the ones the tadpoles have been unable to control? They should be absolutely loyal, but somehow, they resist.”
“We’ll catch them, or kill them, or both,” said Gortash. “No big deal. How much harm could a handful of adventurers do? We’re the Chosen of the gods of death.”
“I second the ‘kill’ part,” added Orin.
Ken did not look convinced. “Whatever they do, if they survive, they will find their way to the Moonrise Towers. There, they will meet an unkind end, delegated to the dusty attic of the afterlife. This I swear.”
Gortash and Orin were not paying attention.
“Want to play mumblety-peg?” asked Orin.
“No. It’s not fair, you being, well, you, and Ken being invincible. I’m the only one who would get hurt by being stabbed,” pouted Gortash.
Ken sighed again. He knew trouble was at hand, knew it in his ancient bones. One who has tasted the grave can sense its spice in that which is to come…who would fill that grave was yet to be seen.