Chapter Text
Nick was always aware that he had a weaker bond with Matt compared to the one he shared with Chris, a fact he never consciously acknowledged for years.
His relationship with Chris was easy. They could effortlessly hold a conversation with one another and talk for hours without running out of things to say. Whether they were chatting about their shared interests or simply enjoying each other's company, Nick found comfort and joy in the camaraderie he shared with Chris.
In contrast with his relationship with Chris, Nick struggled with talking to Matt for extended periods of time. More often than not, they would have awkward silences that Nick desperately tried to fill. They also got on each other’s nerves more easily than they did with Chris. Whenever they spent too long in each other’s proximity, it often resulted in a fight or argument.
That had never really bothered Nick before, as he considered it normal among brothers. Matt loved him, and that was all that mattered.
However, Nick was starting to doubt that lately. Sometimes he felt that Matt didn’t like him at all. It was a niggling thought at the back of his mind that resurfaced every time he had a fight with Matt.
Nick told himself that he was being stupid, and that Matt never meant the things he said. He knew that Matt often said harsh things he didn’t mean when he was angry. But he couldn’t help but think that Matt wouldn’t keep saying it if he didn’t mean it. Not to mention he was never as mean or rude to Chris as he was to Nick.
Once the thought took root, it wouldn’t leave Nick’s mind. He started second-guessing his entire relationship with Matt and heavily scrutinized all his interactions with his brother.
He noticed how Matt was quick to initiate physical and verbal affection with Chris, but rarely did so with Nick. Matt only hugged Nick and told him he loved him if Nick did it first, often pushing Nick away and telling him to get off of him.
Nick also noticed how disinterested Matt looked whenever Nick talked about his own interests or showed him a funny TikTok he found. Matt either looked like he was tuning Nick out or was verbally dismissive. It happened so many times that Nick became hesitant to share anything with Matt.
He couldn’t shake the feeling that he was a nuisance to Matt, given how easily Matt got annoyed with him. Even when Nick wasn’t trying to annoy Matt, his brother would get mad at him for seemingly no reason. It was like his entire presence was an annoyance to Matt.
On the other hand, Chris could do or say something annoying, and Matt would be completely unbothered. But if Nick did the same thing, Matt would take issue with it and yell at him for what felt like hours.
Just the other day, Nick burped and Matt practically screamed at him about how disgusting it was when Chris did it all the time. Nick was taken aback with Matt’s sudden anger and nearly cried right then and there. He had yelled back at Matt for being an asshole and rushed out of the room.
Once he reached the safety of his room, Nick collapsed on his bed and burst into tears. In that moment, it came crashing down on him that Matt didn’t love or care for him at all.
It was evident to him that Matt only tolerated Nick for the sake of Chris and their Youtube channel. If it wasn’t for that, he knew that Matt wouldn’t even give him the time of day.
Even in car videos, Matt barely interacted with Nick and didn’t even bother to turn to look at him when he was talking. Matt also never invited Nick to be in his TikToks, while Chris was a frequent guest on Matt’s Tiktoks.
When Nick finally stopped crying hours later, he found himself staring blankly at the wall for an indeterminate amount of time. There were no words to describe the depths of the pain he felt. It was like there was an empty and hollow pit in his soul.
At least he still had Chris, he tried to console himself. But that thought was barely comforting. They were triplets, and it hurt that his own triplet brother didn’t love him. He yearned for the closeness Chris and Matt shared; he wanted it so bad that it hurt.
Despite Matt’s apparent lack of love for Nick, Nick still loved Matt deeply. Above all else, he wanted Matt to be happy. So even if it hurt, he would do his best to reduce his presence in Matt’s life.
He felt like he was tearing out his own heart as he withdrew from Matt, limiting their interactions as much as possible. The fact that Matt didn’t notice cemented it in Nick’s mind that his brother truly didn’t care. That was nearly enough to send Nick into tears again.
With the events of the past few days, Nick felt that he was slipping down a depressive spiral. It got to the point where he even started to doubt his relationship with Chris. If Matt hated him, perhaps Chris did so as well. He was so mentally and emotionally exhausted that he didn’t even have the energy to reject that thought, accepting it as fact.
The thought that both his brothers hated him was too much for Nick to bear. It physically hurt for him to face his brothers, knowing that they wished he wasn’t in their lives. So he didn’t. He only left his room for food and to film the occasional Youtube video with his brothers.
With each passing day, the dark clouds looming over Nick only became darker and heavier. Simple daily tasks became a struggle, and even eating and bathing felt like a chore for him. He just wanted to lie in his bed and wallow. In his darkest moments, he wished he could sleep and never wake up.
What was even the point of living when your own brothers hated you?