Archive of Our Own ^beta

“Hamlet!” Mr Keating announced it as he walked into the classroom. He looked at the boys as he said it again, “Hamlet.”

“What about him?” Yelled out Charlie.

“What about him indeed, Mr Dolton! Hamlet is one of Shakespeare’s key tragic figures but why? What is so compelling about a whiny college student? Mr Meeks tell us!” Meeks looked around the room hoping the answer could be found in one of the other students' faces. When he realised his attempts were hopeless he finally replied.

“Because his dad is dead?”

“No!” Mr Keating imitated the sound of an incorrect buzzer. “As always it was a wonderful attempt but not what I was looking for- Mr Perry! Go on, you're a fan of The Bard aren’t you, what’s tragic about Hamlet?”

The room went quiet for a moment and all the boys turned to Neil. Most of them just wanted him to answer so they could stop sitting in silence but one of them was looking at Neil for another reason. On Neil’s face was a look of understanding, as if someone explained to him a mathematical equation in the most perfect way like he could see every single piece of the puzzle slot together. Only two people really saw that look on his face. The first was Mr Keating who, with more experience in life and therefore a deeper understanding of it, could recognise when a young man was having an epiphany. And the second was Todd Anderson who had already been looking at Neil so carefully that when this look flashed across his face Todd was forced to take notice of it.

“Hamlet is tragic,” Neil began, “because he’s stuck. He is stuck between two states of being. He’s stuck between being a rebel and being the perfect son, between being this bruteish leader like his father was and being a new age thinker. I mean, arguably, he’s even stuck between his conventional ‘love’ for Ophelia and his forbidden love with Horatio.” Neil looked down as he said the last part, the possible homosexuality or Hamlet was something they’d only mentioned briefly in class. “Hamlet is tragic not only because he can’t be true to himself but also because he doesn’t know which self he should be true to.”

The class had listened to Neil speak with baited breath and when he was finally finished there was no rush to speak after him. For a while they just digested what the boy had said.

“Fucking hell, Neil, you planning to study Literature at college?”

“That’s enough of that kind of language in my classroom Mr Dolton,” Keating said but there was no bite in his words. “That was a truly interesting answer Mr Perry, I expect your essays to reflect it. Now open your copies of Hamlet and give me some evidence for what Mr Perry has just said. Dolton I have a spare copy on my desk.”

The lesson continued as standard (or as standard as Mr Keating’s lessons got) but for the rest of the hour Todd repeated what Neil had said in his mind. He’d looked so serious, more serious then Todd had ever seen him. Did Neil feel the same way about Shakespeare that Todd did about poetry? Todd tried to picture it: Neil hunched over a copy of Hamlet he’d taken out of the school library, reading it like it was the Bible then stopping at one line. The kind of line that required you to stop at it because when you read it for the first time you feel like it’s ripped something out from deep inside of you, something you couldn’t even begin to understand yourself and then laid it out, plainly, like it was the most simple thing in the world. Did Neil read Hamlet’s soliloquies and feel that? Maybe he felt that way about Horatio’s final speech, when Neil read the line ‘sweet Prince’ Todd hoped he had stopped and read it twice.

*****

The dorms were never quiet. Even at night there were creaking floor boards and an underlying whisper of a dozen secret conversations. Neil wished right now that there was silence. He felt like there should be silence, after all the clawing sensation in his chest seemed to demand it.

It’s not unusual for Neil to hide away and cry in his dorm. Well, maybe it should be unusual but it wasn’t unusual for him. There wasn’t always a reason behind his retreat to the dorm, some days he just felt out of place. Even when he was with Charlie and Todd and all the others there was this feeling he wasn’t really needed. Sometimes he felt like the other boys confirmed it, an off hand comment made by Charlie or a snide remark said by Knox was enough to make him crawl back to the dorm to sob. He didn’t like blaming them, it was his own fault for being so sensitive.

Neil’s breathing felt uneven, coming out in starts. He notices his hands shaking. Fuck he doesn’t want to be here. He wants to anywhere that isn’t this stupid fucking dorm where he feels like a stranger to his own body and mind. What would happen if he left? He contemplates just running for a moment, going and never looking back, not for his friends and definitely not for his family. It’s tempting. But he’s too fucking tired. He couldn’t get up from his bed right now to save his life. He’s not even sure if he’d want to save it. Maybe he should just-

“Neil?” Todd’s voice rings in his ears. “I’m back from my study meeting.” Course, Todd had gone to Meeks for some help with Latin but Neil should have known that would only take an hour at most. He was ashamed for Todd to see him like this, tears streaming down his face and his hands red from Neil scratching at them. But Todd looked so soft. He didn’t look like walking in on Neil crying his eyes out was weird or stupid, he looked like he was fighting the urge to wipe away Neil’s tears. Neil hoped he wanted to wipe away his tears.

“Sorry-“ Neil tried to get himself together, “I was just-“

“I can leave if you want-“

“No! No! It’s fine,” Neil tried to sound cheerful and when he failed said, “please… I want you to stay.”

“You do?”

“Yeah, I do.”

With hesitant steps Todd walked over to Neil’s bed. He paused and waited until Neil patted the empty spot next to him silently asking Todd to sit down. That’s all they did for a bit. Sitting with their arms and thighs pressed together and pretending they didn’t know their arms and thighs were pressed together. Todd wanted to ask Neil why he had been crying but this was one of the many moments his voice decided to abandon him. Neil knew what he wanted to ask though.

“I don’t know why I was crying, Todd. I just do it sometimes, actually more like a lot of the time.” Neil laughed even though it wasn’t really funny. Todd turned to look at him, they were so close that Neil could feel his breath on his face.

“Are you sure you don’t know?” Todd prompted.

“I mean, I do know, sort of, but it’s stupid.”

“It can’t be that stupid, Neil.” Todd smiled at him, it wasn’t the sort of smile Neil usually puts on: sickeningly fake, a desperate attempt to make everyone like him. It was a smile that was always meant to be worn, natural and perfect. It welcomed Neil to share every secret he’d ever had.

“It’s just- it’s all too much right now. I mean school, the play, lying to my dad, my dad in general and I can’t keep doing this, Todd.” Tears were welling up again but Neil didn’t try to stop them.

“How are you managing right now then? I mean other than crying in our dorm- how are you doing it now?” Todd didn’t know if he was saying the right thing but he hoped saying anything at all was at least okay.

“I don’t know. When I’m with everyone else I kinda try to perform to get through it. Smile wide and crack jokes, play the role of being carefree and young. I guess that’s the best I can do.” Neil wanted to do it now, to make Todd laugh and forget about all this, about him. Neil wanted to walk onto a stage and perform and not be himself. But it’s hard to be the comic relief with tears in his eyes.

“You don’t have to act around me, Neil.” Todd whispered. “I like you, even when you’re crying. Maybe… maybe more when you’re crying, means you’re definitely not acting.” Todd lifted his hand, stretching out his index finger he caught a single tear that had made its way to Neil’s chin and rubbed the moisture of it between his fingers. “This is real. I don’t care how sad it is. If it’s real, if it’s you then it’s miraculous.”

Neil looked at Todd, waiting. Waiting for him to drop the poetry and tell him to man up and get over it but that never came. The longer he looked the more truth Neil saw pouring out of Todd’s face. It felt odd, to be acknowledged rather than placated or ignored.

“You don’t need to say all this,” Neil said through shaking sobs. He wondered if Todd felt how badly he was shaking.

A pair of arms wrapped around Neil. This one hug from Todd held within it more warmth and love and acceptance than all the embraces of his boyhood combined. For a second Neil allowed himself to wonder if this was what unconditional love felt like.

“I’m saying it because it's true.” Todd’s voice was like a spider’s web, fragile and soft, beautiful in a way that only some could really see.

The two boys stayed like that for a while, two autumn leaves blown together and left to rest in their union on the forest floor. Twin flames brought together by the whims of the wind. Until the late of night when Neil was yawning and Todd’s eyelids had become lead heavy. When they admitted defeat and confessed in their separation to their prospective beds that they couldn’t join themselves in an eternity of mutual comfort. When Todd slipped under the covers of his bed he sighed and wished he could have just stayed in Neil’s.

*****

The school library was a religious building in Todd’s own mind. It contained the holy texts of Milton, Keats, Emily Dickenson and so many more. It was probably the most peaceful on earth.

And so Todd inviting Neil to study with him in the library may not have appeared intimate to the external eye but for Todd this was only slightly less intimate than showing Neil his poetry. They were in a table at the farthest corner engulfed by shelves of books, drama and poetry section: Todd’s heaven.

The Latin translation he was doing currently was the farthest thing from heaven. A section of The Aeneid both he and Neil had been set as a translation. Although at least it was a section from Book Four, Dido was Todd’s favourite part of the whole epic.

“I swear no matter how hard I try I can’t wrap my head around the pluperfect,” Neil sighed. “Every time I get stuck you can bet that tense is the reason.” Todd smiled.

A few more minutes passed before the silence was interrupted by Neil again.

“How did you translate this: ‘At regina gravi iamdudum saucia cura
vulnus alit venis et caeco carpitur igni’?”

Todd looked over his own translation, maybe it was a bit flowery in its language but as far as he could tell it was a rather accurate translation.

“But the queen had long been suffering from love’s deadly wound, feeding it with her blood and being consumed by its hidden fire. I don’t really know, Latin is Meeks’ thing…” Todd trailed off, caught up in the adoration in Neil’s face. He had done well, Neil’s smile alone told him that. Todd looked away, focusing on the books that were backdropping Neil.

“It’s a great translation, more poetry than prose,” said Neil.

“Well, too many people forget that the epics are epic poems.” Todd said it with ferocity. Neil liked that ferocity within Todd, his timidness slipped off him like a coat when he got like this. It was something Neil had only seen a few times since they’d become friends but each time he saw it the wind was knocked out of him.

“I can’t stand Latin classes,” Neil pivoted the conversation, desperate to not continue his own translation. “Repeating declension and memorising vocab. It’s heartless.”

“That’s because they don’t want you to speak the language, they want you to learn it.”

“What’s the difference?” Asked Neil, knowing fully well there was one.

“Learning a language is just- just repeating the words of a Latin to English dictionary! Speaking a language is feeling the flavour of words drip off your tongue as you describe what it's like to wake up in the morning and hear the snoring on the other side of the room or to say the word ‘hate’ and understand that it means much more than just being the opposite of love.”

Todd was near panting when he finished. Neil smirked, that was the longest he’d ever heard Todd speak for.

“You sound like Keating.”

“Oh, shut up.”

They laughed so loud that if anyone else had been in the library they certainly would have been kicked out. But it was just the two of them.

*****

Neil still hadn’t perfected his balancing act of play rehearsals, schoolwork and the Dead Poets Society yet. Usually if he was starting to get on top of his work then he would fall behind of learning his lines. If he managed to learn his lines and do his work then he was too exhausted to want to wake up in the middle of the night and go to the DPS’ meeting. Then if he deprived himself of sleep for the meeting he ended up falling asleep so early the next day that he hadn’t done any of his work. The situation wasn’t ideal.

On this particular day it was line learning that had taken the hit. Muttering under his breath in iambic pentameter and he tried up his half of the dorm a bit. Todd was in the dorm too, writing in his notebook whilst sporadically looking up to smile at Neil.

“The king doth keep his revels here to-night:
Take heed the queen come not within his sight;
For Oberon is… is… ah!” Neil grunted and threw himself onto his bed. “I love The Bard as much as the next guy but he definitely gave Puck too many lines.”

“You love Shakespeare much more than the next guy,” said Todd. He reached over and grabbed the copy of ‘A Midsummer’s Night’s Dream’ that Neil had discarded on the floor. On each page were scribbled notes, reminders of stage directions, tone, even little comments next to other characters' speeches where Neil had written down how he thought Puck would react to them. Todd skimmed his fingers over the words, feeling the denting in the paper where Neil had pressed down his pen too hard.

“C’mon, I’ll run the lines with you,” offered Todd.

Neil turned onto his side to look at him. “You don’t have to do that.”

“I want to,” assured Todd. “I like Shakespeare too, y’know. You’re not special.” Neil laughed. They spend most of their time laughing nowadays.

“Alright. As long as you don’t mind.”

“I really don’t.” Todd read over the passage quickly and began to read out some lines. He spoke the lines with fluency but kept his eyes glued to the page in front of him, scared to look Neil in the eye in case it made him stutter. The rhythm of the words marched through the air and by the time it was Neil’s part he fell right in line, marching in the direction Todd had led him.

Practising lines with Todd became the only way Neil would practise them outside of the rehearsals. It was the newest addiction to the ever growing list of things that Neil only did with Todd.

Walking on the dock together, Shakespearean dialogue flowing in the space between them, Neil felt like the only way the two of them could have been so perfectly set up for this scene was if Shakespeare himself wrote it.

“Hey, Todd.” Neil interrupted him mid-speech.

“What?”

“Thanks, for doing all this.”

The corner of Todd’s mouth twitched, “it’s never a problem.”

*****

Todd knew Neil was getting worse. The days went on and to the others he was sure Neil seemed fine but he wasn’t. Todd could feel the melancholy growing like vines in their shared room. His heart dropped every time he looked into Neil’s eyes and saw the apathy that was within them.

They were studying in silence. Todd was staring as discreetly as possible but the eyes of some else are knives to those who’d prefer to be unseen.

“What’s the matter, Todd?” Neil said. To Todd it felt like he had spat it out, unlying anger seething beneath the inconspicuous question.

“Oh- it’s, um, nothing,” he almost left it at that. “Just, well-”

“Well what?”

“You’re acting… weird. I know you think you’re not but I can see it.”

“And why can you see it when no one else can, Todd?” Neil was tensing, every nerve in his body on guard at the perceived attack on his behaviour. “Maybe because there’s nothing there? Maybe because I’m fine.”

“You’re not fine. I wish you’d stop saying you are.”

The silence resumed, both boys pretending to study whilst they thought about the other. Desperate to know what the other was thinking. If it had taken a more physical form there would be roots reaching out of their heads, hesitantly dancing around each other, trying to connect the thing that was impossible to connect. The silence was a form within itself however, it separated Todd from Neil in a way he hated. They were friends, best friends, surely that meant something? Surely that was why Todd could see Neil so clearly when none of the others could.

Words were clawing their way up Todd’s throat but all that came out was: “do you wanna work on the chem homework together? I don’t understand any of this.”

It was hand held open, an agreement to not talk about it all right now. A pretence of normality for the night.

“Yeah, okay. Which question are you on?” The rigidity of Neil’s voice had softened. Neil left his desk and moved towards the bed where Todd had been working, shifting onto the mattress with Todd.

They went through the questions, step by step. Each mundane moment of it made the world feel quieter to them both. Every brush of the hand that wasn’t meant by a flinch or a mutter apology loosened their anxiety. For those passing few hours they were in a state of grace where they could simply exist as two boys, living as they wanted, living to help each other in their own ways.

The night grew darker and eventually neither could hide their yawns.

“We should call it here, I think my brain is eighty percent chemical formulas now,” Neil muttered. Todd was happy to hear the lightness his voice now had. Still he couldn’t quite abandon his earlier concern.

If Neil didn’t want to talk about it Todd could understand that. He’d already been more honest to Todd than he ever had been with anyone else. But the desire to ease Neil’s pain persisted and that desire formed itself into an idea.

“Hey, tomorrow- do you want to use the breaktime to practise lines again?” Todd asked.

Neil laughed, that carefree laugh that made Todd feel too many things he couldn’t understand.

“Sure but aren’t you getting tired of helping me with lines? It can’t be that much fun?”

“That’s why I thought we could go to the dock, change of scenery?” Todd was slowly becoming less sure of his own suggestion. Neil just smiled at him and nodded.

“Shakespeare by the lake with you? I can’t imagine a better way to spend my time.”

Todd felt his stomach jump at the truth behind the words. With him. Shakespeare and him and Neil. That was what Neil wanted and Todd couldn’t help the pride that welled up in him at that fact. The joy of it took over his body so fully that when they turned out the lamp and got into their separate beds he stared into the darkness, smiling.

*****

The air was autumn crisp, biting at Neil’s face. It was a picture perfect view, the water of the lake was moving slowly, dancing languidly, ready to swallow and hold any Ophelia that admitted defeat in its quiet beauty. Trees swayed on the other side, waving like old friends. And amongst all that sublime Romantic beauty was Todd and his misty breaths that exhaled Shakepearan blank verse.

The day had gone slow until this escape. Neil had sat through classes and boring talk of homework for this: him and Todd alone in nature with nothing but lines to repeat to each other.

“I’m going to try the act three monologue again,” said Neil. The entire time they’d been here he’d had an exuberant energy, laughing, jumping, joking like he always did but it was different because he knew that right now he wasn’t juggling his various dramatic masks. Right now, if he wasn’t playing Puck then he wasn’t playing anyone.

“Okay, act three scene two? Yeah I’ve got it,” Todd held the script open and looked at Neil expectantly.

“My mistress with a monster is in love. Near to her close and consecrated bower, while she was in her dull and sleeping hour, a crew of patches, rude mechanicals, that work for bread upon…” Neil stopped. He knew his lines, that wasn’t what had made his speech clog in his throat. The look that Todd was giving him had. Todd’s eyes stared at him with something Neil could only think resembled a form of devotion. It was as though Todd was watching him do something truly spectacular.

“Athenian stalls,” Todd supplied.

Neil smirked, “I know my lines.”

“Why did you stop then?”

“You.”

“Was I putting you off?” Todd nervously asked.

“No, no! Well, a bit. Why were you staring so… intently?” Neil didn’t say it like an accusation, like how any other boy in their class might have asked it if they saw the look in Todd’s eyes. Instead it was a genuine, desperate curiosity. A need to know why anyone would ever look at him with eyes so pure and kind.

“I don’t know,” Todd lied, “you’re just really good. It’s sort of amazing- watching you fall into the words and the character. It’s like watching a transfiguration in real time.”

“Acting isn’t that impressive,” Neil laughed, a tad embarrassed at the sheer sincerity of Todd’s praise. But in response to his self-effacement Todd just shook his head.

“I’ve told you, Neil. When it's you it's miraculous.”

Neil felt something inside him blooming and without a second thought he let the affection in his chest escape into words.

“You don’t know how much you mean to me, Todd. You- you see me. In all these different roles and yet you still see me. It doesn’t make sense, really. That you can see all this goodness in me and yet you don’t realise all the good that’s in you. If there was ever even one worthwhile thing in me then there must be ten times as many spectacular things in you.”

They stared at each other, unsure what to say in response to the overwhelming truth of their words and feelings. Eventually they stepped over it, continued with the lines and secretly treasured the words of the other as they refused to fully acknowledge them.

Neil knew that the sadness he felt, that great lurching mass of pain and simultaneous apathy, would come back to him. It always crawled back even when he was the happiest he’d ever felt. It was strange knowing this peace would shatter and soon he would be crying and looking into the darkness of his own thoughts. But despite that he held onto the look in Todd’s eyes and knew that even in the dismal heartache he would feel those eyes and the words that accompanied them. He would always know Todd’s words like they were his own.

*****

It had been a week since the dock and the sunlight of the perfect autumn day had faded. The trees were bare and Neil was spending most of his days silently trudging on, only appearing genuinely calm when he was sleeping or going to rehearsals. Whilst Todd felt the shift clearer than anyone it was getting to the point that even Charlie and Knox were asking questions.

It wasn’t as though Neil’s mask had slipped off entirely but the cracks were getting more visible. His laughter trailed off quicker, he spoke less and his general attitude was distant. It was like a phantom version of Neil was walking about doing his best to make everyone think he was still here.

Even knowing this it came as a shock to Neil when one night in their dorm he heard the sharp intakes of breath coming from Neil’s side of the room. Neil’s panic was visible even in the dark.

“Neil?” Todd whispered, not daring to move.

“Fucking hell, Todd. I thought you were asleep.” Neil’s voice was shaking and angry. It made Todd even more unsure than he had already been.

“I’m not. Are you… okay?” The question was stupid, Todd knew what the answer would be. “Actually, nevermind that. Is there anything I can do?”

Without answer Neil turned on the light, illuminating his teary face and wild eyes. The sight of it shot Todd through the chest. He jumped out of his bed and moved over to Neil’s. Looking at the space next to him waiting to be told he could sit. Neil motioned with his head that he could.

Being this close Todd could feel his friend’s body shivering. It reminded him of that first time he had walked in on Neil crying. His whole body surrendering to the anguish he must feel so often. The shaking tremors rocked through Todd and suddenly all he could think about was the idea that Todd needed to dampen the shakes, he needed to hold his best friend together.

“Neil, can I hug you?” It was something that was usually an inconceivable question for boys at Welton.

“Yes, please.” Neil answered.

Todd wrapped his arms around Neil, desperate to keep his friend from falling to pieces. Neil melted into his arms, the warmth of the gesture and the warmth of Todd’s body mingled together. There was a softness within the moment that Neil appreciated. To be held by someone that cares for you, that was a safety that was more precious than anything else. It allowed Neil to break without being obliterated. As Todd embraced him he fully gave into the sorrow, sobbing uncontrollably.

“I can’t do it, Todd. I can’t keep living like this. I don’t want to live like this. Every day I’m just holding onto the hope that I won’t feel like this tomorrow but I always do.” Neil whispered the words like a melancholy prayer. “What’s the point of living if I’m just surviving the days, marching towards a future I don’t even want.”

Todd ran his fingers through Neil’s hair, trying to offer a physical comfort where words had failed him. Todd didn’t know how to make Neil’s problems go away, he wasn't sure if he even could, but he did need to know one thing.

“Neil… do you want to die?”

The silence he was met with was already worrying but Neil’s eventual answer was even worse than the silence.

“I do. It’s… Todd, it’s the only way any of this will end. It’s the only way I can escape the life that’s laid out before me.”

Those words were a blow to the stomach. How could Neil ever say that? How could he even entertain the idea of dying? To Todd, Neil was immortal. He couldn’t die, he was too energetic, too miraculous. Why couldn’t he see that? Why couldn’t he understand how much he meant to Todd?

“I really care about you, Neil. I care about you more than I’ve ever cared about anyone but I don’t know how I can get you through this. I don’t think I can do it by myself.” Todd didn’t enjoy the idea that he was giving up. He needed to help Neil but he was only a teenage boy and no one had ever told him what he was supposed to do when his best friend wanted to die. “Will you let me try to help you? Can you… let me find you a way out?”

Neil hid his face in Todd’s neck, letting himself contemplate the idea within the safety of Todd’s skin. It was odd to Neil. Despite how much he hated the way he felt it felt even scarier to leave these emotions. They had become a blanket that he wrapped himself in everyday, and there was even the cold peaceful idea of his own death. He had held that pinpoint of dying as a release, the purest and easiest type of relief. Could it really be possible for Todd to help him out of this pit he was stuck in? He wasn’t even certain if he had the energy within him to try climbing out of it.

“I don’t know. Just- keep holding me, please? I just want you to keep holding me.” Todd would never say not to that request.

Thought that sleepless night Todd held onto Neil like it would shield him from everything that was swirling around in his head. Within the dimly lit room Todd whispered comforts into Neil’s ear. He promised him that he would stay with him, no matter what. And, eventually, when both were tired and they had silently agreed that Todd would stay in Neil’s bed, Neil said what he had been thinking about the entire time.

“I want you to help me, Todd. In whatever way you think you can. I trust you.”

*****

Todd was pacing the corridors outside of Mr Keating’s room. He was nervous, more nervous than he had ever felt. Unlike his usual anxiety, which typically was an introspective and self-contained thing, this concerned something outside himself. It concerned Neil. Neil, a person he valued above most, and now it was Todd’s responsibility to find a way to help his friend. But he knew he needed someone else to help him.

After knocking on the door Todd was greeted by Mr Keating’s smiling face.

“Ah, Mr Anderson! If you’re here to ask me if you can skip reading aloud in class tomorrow the answer is no.”

“That’s not why I’m here, sir,” Todd muttered.

Keating looked at him for a second and, seeming to recognise the sobriety of Todd’s countenance he invited him inside. Around the room were stacks of books: Keats, Shakespeare, Dickinson, even some more modern stuff like Ginsberg. The room felt homely, it was the most relaxed space Todd had ever seen inside the school. Even the dorm rooms had a rigidity to them that seemed absent from this space.

“Would you like some tea?” Keating asked.

“Um, yeah. Yeah, sure.”

As he made the tea Keating made small talk, easing Todd into conversation.

“Developed the habit of offering tea to people in England. They’re very serious about it over there. You might as well spit in your guests face if you forget to offer them a mug of warm leafy water the second they get through the door.” Keating let out a chuckle and hesitantly Todd joined in. “Now, what’s on your mind, Mr Anderson?”

Todd had practised what he was going to say beforehand, had this conversation in his head a million times but now that it was real Todd wasn’t sure how he could ever say everything he needed to.

“I’m worried… about Neil,” Keating raised his eyebrows but let him continue without interruption. “He’s not okay. I’ve been trying to comfort him, you know? Trying to make him feel better but I don’t think I can. He’s sad all the time, even when he doesn’t seem sad on the outside I can see it inside him. The other night he… he told me he wanted to die.”

Keating’s jovial humour and upbeat attitude seemed to abandon him the second Todd said that. His smile that had slowly been fading as Todd spoke was now completely gone. He had a long sip of earl grey then spoke.

“You did the right thing telling me, Todd. This must be very hard for you, I know you care deeply for Neil. It can’t be easy for you. You’re just a boy and having your best friend's life in your hands… I had wished such issues would no longer face you young people since the war ended but clearly there are other battles you young ones have to fight.” There was a pause and Keating reached his hand out to Todd, an offering of small comfort. Todd took the hand and shattered. Unbridled sobs shook his body.

“I can’t lose him. I can’t. I need him. I- I love him, Mr Keating. I don’t know what that means but I do love him and I want him to get better,” Todd spoke like the thirsty drink, desperate and unencumbered. He had spent so long bottling up what he felt and being what Neil needed that in this moment he couldn’t help but let the words overtake him. Despite the talk of love that would have raised any other teacher’s suspicions and judgements, Keating simply squeezed his hand and let him cry.

“You are a brave boy, Todd. You’ve taken up a burden many people would have walked away from. But you are too young to carry it alone. I promise you I will do all I can to help Neil. Everything that’s in my power.” When Todd didn’t stop crying he got up and hugged Todd where he sat. “Everything in my power, son, I promise. I’ll bring him in for a chat, I’ll figure out what to do next.”

“Thank you,” Todd sighed. He stayed like that, being held by someone who cared. It was a different comfort from that he had given Neil, it was the comfort of a parent. The knowledge that someone older and wiser, someone that cared and had the power to do something about it, had finally lifted a small bit of weight off his shoulders.

*****

Even though he knew it came from a place of care, Neil wasn’t happy about what Todd had done. Todd told him the second they were in their dorms, it shouldn’t have been a shock to Neil but it was. It felt like a betrayal of the comfort he had found with Todd. Like he was taking the thing he had only shared with him and dragged it out into the world for all to see. This was what led to the argument he would eventually regret.

“Why would you tell Keating? I don’t need his help! What the fuck is an English teacher going to do that’s going to help me?” There was venom in his words, each syllable meant to cut his best friend open.

“You told me you trusted me, Neil,” Todd’s voice was far less combative. “You need to trust that this is the best thing I could do.”

“Best for who? For you?” Neil spat out. “Admit it Todd, you just wanted to get me off your hands.”

“No!” The force of Todd’s response made Neil freeze. “I did it because I care about you! Because I… I love you. You mean everything to me Neil but I can’t make you better, I can’t help you by myself. You need someone else, someone older, someone who actually knows how to deal with this and isn’t juggling their own issues at the same time. I really do care about you Neil but I can’t be the only thing stopping you from killing yourself.”

Neil recognised that passion in his voice, the same kind of voice that burst out of him when talking about poetry. The voice of an unapologetically feeling Todd, not hiding all he felt. Neil stared at him, not ready to apologise but not wanting to continue the fight. Todd made the choice for them both, leaving the dorm to go who knows where.

*****

Keating had made it clear to Neil that the chat after school was not optional. As much as Neil wanted it to be, Keating had been very clear about it all when he’d spoken to him after class. He did contemplate making a run for it as he waited outside Keating’s room but the door opened before he could commit to it.

“Neil, come in,” Keating smiled and ushered him through the door. It was awkward for them both, Neil could understand that this probably wasn’t going to be an easy thing for Mr Keating to dive into but there was no point going through the motions of benign small talk so he shut down Keating’s many attempts to start the conversation on a lighter note.

“Sir, I know why I’m here. Let’s just get it over with,” Neil sighed.

“Okay, then. Straight to business, not a bad way to do things but certainly the most abrasive,” Neil stayed silent. “How about we start with you telling me why we’re here?”

“Because Todd told you he was worried about me,” said Neil.

“That’s true. Why is he worried about you?”

“Because I told him some stuff and he took it very seriously.” Keating gave him a curious look.

“So, the things you told him, you didn’t mean them?”

“Well,” Neil was realising the tricky nature this conversation was taking. He didn’t want to lie to Keating but he also didn’t want to give him any reason to get his parents involved. “I suppose I meant it when I said it to him but, honestly sir, I’m going to be fine. I’ve just been a bit overwhelmed lately.”

Keating leaned back in his chair. The set up almost reminded Neil of an interrogation room, the two of them sitting opposite each other with a table to draw the line of opposition. A stand-off.

“Neil, what Todd told me was very worrying. Not just as your teacher but as someone who cares about you very much,” Keating sighed. “I want us to start with another simple question, or at least a question that appears simple at first, but you must promise me you will tell me your answer as truthfully and directly as possible. Can you do that?”

“No,” Neil whispered.

“Why not?”

“Because I need to make sure you don’t get my parents involved in this.”

“That’s difficult for me, Neil. As someone who has a responsibility of care for you, as my student, I’ve got a responsibility to involve your parents if I am worried for your safety, which at the minute I am.”

“But my parents are part of this! They’re half the reason I didn’t want to say anything!” Neil’s frustration was bubbling up into anger. “How can you say you need to involve them for my safety when involving them will only make everything worse?”

Keating’s eyebrows furrowed. “Do your parents know about your depression, son?”

Depression. It felt like a strange word for Neil. So official; not feeling depressed, not having depressing thoughts but depression. A thing that encompassed it all. A condition.

“They know I’m not well. It’s not the first time I’ve been this bad,” Neil waited for Keating to prompt him further and when he didn’t Neil just decided to tell him anyway. “Last year I told them I wanted to die. They said I was melodramatic, trying to scare them into letting me do whatever I want. When I told them I was serious, my father threatened to send me to military school or an asylum. That was the end of that conversation.”

“So your parents know about your condition and they’ve threatened you in response to it?” Neil could see cogs turning in Keating’s head.

“Yeah, I guess you could put it like that.”

“Well, in that case I can promise you that I won’t involve your parents for the foreseeable future,” Keating smiled in the partially sombre way he sometimes did. “If I have good reason to believe contacting your parents about this would worsen the situation and put you in more danger then I am perfectly within my right to promise you that.”

“Thank you, sir.”

“No need to thank me. Now that we have that sorted let’s return to the question I was going to ask: how have you been feeling?”

Neil fought his initial, deflecting responses and tried to let himself speak freely as he would if he was talking to Todd.

“There’s been a kind of pit inside my brain. It didn’t just appear there in the last few weeks, I’ve had it for years, but recently it's been growing. Pulling in all my thoughts and spitting out hateful distortions of them. It’s like having an Iago in my brain, planning my own downfall and turning me into a paranoid version of who I once was. I feel everything so intensely and then, moments later, I feel nothing but emptiness. This all consuming emptiness that will either eat me whole or kill me.” Tears were building in Neil’s eyes. It was painful, trying to articulate the complexities of his brain in a way that was understandable. How could he express something that he didn’t understand, something that took him over in a way Neil himself that defied everything he knew? Metaphors were the only way Neil could even begin to explain it and even those seemed to fall short.

“Neil, I can’t pretend I know what you’re going through. Every man’s internal pains are something only he can truly know. But I know this, son, I know you have been holding yourself together in a way that a kid like you shouldn’t have to. You are a great boy, not because of your pain but because you have been pushing through like a soldier when you should be busy being happy.”

Neil hated the way Keating’s words hit him. All he wanted was this. For a second he pictured what his dad would have been like if he thought like this, if his dad had looked at the things about his son that he couldn’t comprehend and tried to anyway.

Keating stood up, grabbing a contact book. He flicked through the pages, stopping suddenly and holding it open for Neil to see.

“Doctor Richard Fitz,” said Keating. “He is a very talented psychologist specialising in mood disorders. He’s a friend of mine from my Welton days. Very forward thinking within his field, none of the asylum nonsense and useless shock therapy you probably think of when thinking about psychology.”

“This is very thoughtful, sir. But I can’t pay for his services without my parents and they’d never let me go through with some free thinking psychologist.”

Keating chuckled. “He’s definitely a free thinker. I supposed when you’re a friend of Dorothy’s you have to be.” Neil wanted to ask Keating what he meant but he continued talking before he got the chance. “You wouldn’t need to pay him. That man owes me so many favours I’m going to have to start charging him interest on them. His practice is in town, I’ll make you an appointment and figure out a way to get you off school premises without contacting your parents.”

Neil jumped up from his seat, tears still descending down his face. He ran over to where Mr Keating sat and without warning clasped him in his arms.

“Thank you,” he whispered between sobs.

Keating was shocked for the first second but without much delay he hugged Neil in return, patting his back like a father.

“It’s okay, son. You’re going to be okay.”

*****

The talk had gone better than Neil had ever imagined it would. Keating had been sure to tell him he was always welcome to come and talk to him, even after he’d begun seeing the therapist. It was peculiar to Neil, the idea of seeing a professional. He still couldn’t quite grasp the concept that the way he had been living for so long could get better. Mr Keating had told him it was like having a bone that was always broken: you could probably manage life working around it but going to a doctor would save you a lot of pain.

When walking back to his dorm Neil had a foolish idea that returning everything would be perfect. He’d walk through the door and Todd would be sitting at his desk with a maths book open. Like they had never had any argument at all. But when he opened the door no one was there.

What did I expect? Neil thought to himself. He yelled at Todd. He’d screamed in the face of his best friend. He couldn’t fight off the disgust he felt at himself. Todd was sweet and delicate. Todd was so pure and perfect and Neil couldn’t face the reality of the anger he had verbally beat his friend with.

The guilt was snowballing into self-hate. It winded him. He dragged his feet to his desk, collapsing under his shame.

When he was just about to drown in it all he saw the note. A folded piece of paper with his name on it, written in Todd’s handwriting.

His hands shook as he opened the paper, dreading what it might say.

For Neil,

I wrote this for you. Don’t laugh at it, please.

You slipped into my mind
Like the moonlight slips over your face
When I watch you in peaceful sleep.

You’re honest like this,
A resting perfection. A breathing sculpture.
You must have been carved as a saint
For all your divine beauty.

It hurts me to know you’ll awake
To that hateful agony that I can’t
Pull out of your skin.
That I can’t take out of you
And put into me.

Starlight boy, illuminating my eyes
Blinding me with love.
Binding me in love.
You are celestial, placed highest
In the sky.

So alone in your otherworldly domain
That all around you is the ink black sky.
But if you let me I will take the step upwards
On the slow journey to make my way
Into your world.
And I will offer you a dimmer version
Of the brightness you give me.

The paper was tear stained when Neil had first picked it up. Now Neil’s own tears mingled with Todd’s on the page. A union through paper.

Neil couldn’t wrap his head around the fact that even after all he’d done Todd could write something so beautiful for him- about him. What an amazing thing, for someone to see his pain and his anger and care for him anyway.

Neil sat, re-reading the poem and rubbing the paper between his finger tips.

Suddenly, the dorm door opened and standing in the threshold was Todd.

“Oh! Uh, hi,” Todd said awkwardly. His eyes flickered from the poem to Neil’s face. “You read it?”

Neil nodded. He was awestruck, staring at Todd like an angel from heaven.

“Did you… like it?”

Neil grinned, “I loved it.”

Todd smiled back at him, sheepishly. Their eyes met and they laughed at themselves. Todd moved to his bed, falling onto his back. The lightness that had been absent from the air for days now came back to their room.

“I spoke to Keating,” Neil decided to broach the subject so Todd didn’t have to. “It went well. He’s sorting some stuff out for me. I think it's for the best so… thank you.”

Todd lifted his head up and smiled. Neil thought it was dazzling.

The night was near perfect. Neil felt like he had at the start of term. No. He felt better than that because now he had a reason to believe one day he could be happy in the fullest way.

He laughed like a child. Chased Todd around their room, giggling and begging to read more of his poetry. They were boys again. Neil pushed Todd onto his bed, howling with laughter before laying down next to him. His laughter came out in panting breaths.

“Are you done?” Todd giggled.

“For now. One day I’ll read the rest of your poetry, Walt Whitman.”

They lay next to each other. The air felt electric with joy, saturated with their shared harmony. Neil knew this was the happiest he had been in years and he knew it was largely due to the fact he was with Todd.

Turning his head, Neil studied Todd’s profile. Soft and handsome features that melted into each other like an impressionist painting. Neil felt the flutters in his chest, a pleasant flitting of something he would only now admit to himself was love.

He loved Todd in a way that surpassed friendship. It had been a wisp in the shadows of his mind, something he’d ignored subconsciously for so long but in this moment of calmness he saw the reality in full. Todd had been there for him, a rock he clung onto through the storm. He was ferociously soft, wrapping Neil’s soul up in poetry and compassion. How could Neil not love Todd?

“Why are you staring at me?” Todd laughed.

“You’re nice to look at.” Todd blushed and returned to looking at the ceiling. Neil thought it was cute. “Hey, tomorrow let’s go to the cave. Just the two of us.”

“Why?” Asked Todd.

“I don’t know- fun? Spend time together? You could even practise reading with me there.”

There was more to the idea, both boys knew that. But the silent part doesn’t always have to be said out loud.

“I’d like that,” whispered Todd.

Slowly, Todd moved his hand toward where Neil’s lay outstretched. He brushed his fingers against Neil’s, a slow dance in miniature. Neil felt the touch and it set him alight with yearning. Neil delicately interlaced his fingers with Todd’s.

Neither of them wanted to part and go to their separate beds even if they knew they would have to but for the minute they let themselves pretend they stayed lying there holding the other’s hand forever.

*****

The walk from Welton to the cave was beautiful. Todd could hear the way his feet crunched the leaves beneath them and the moonlight seemed to wash over the forest transforming it into a Wordsworthian domain of supreme nature. If the surroundings of the walk had not been enough to raise his spirits towards thoughts of poetry then the company certainly was.

Neil was practically skipping to the cave. Todd had always thought of Neil as a fairly upbeat person but since his talk with Mr Keating that boyish carefree nature had only doubled. It wasn’t a permanent fix, Todd knew that. Neil had seemed happy many times since Todd first saw him crying but Todd also knew this was the first time Neil could truly feel like the world wasn’t ending. As he watched his friend he felt relieved. Going to Mr Keating had been the right choice, Todd had made the right choice and now he could rest a little easier knowing he wasn’t the only person taking care of Neil.

When they reached the cave the atmosphere was something simultaneously thrilling and tender. Todd watched Neil kindle a small fire to light the place up. When he sat down next to Todd the blonde haired boy couldn’t help but think about how romantic the whole set up was.

“I brought some biscuits for us,” Neil pulled them out of his pocket. “You want some? They’re your favourite.” Todd smiled and took one. “This place feels like one of those ancient sacred groves, doesn’t it? Like it's protecting us from the outside world.”

“There’s definitely something sacred about it,” Todd agreed.

“You should write a poem about this place.”

“I will when something happens here that’s worth writing a poem about.”

Neil laughed. “What? Secret meetings in the middle of the night where a bunch of guys read to each other isn’t enough for you?”

Todd met Neil’s eyes. “I think there’s still a chance something better will happen to me here that I can write about.”

Neil smiled, leaning in just a little closer to whisper in Todd’s ear.

“I think there is too.”

The night was young and the two found fun between themselves. Neil got up like he was on stage and recited impressive quantities of Shakespearean monologues. Each new monologue was a new character and Todd watched in wonder as Neil shed one character and put on another. Todd even gave in to Neil’s pleas and recited a few of his favourite poems.

“No chance I can hear an original?” Neil asked.

“You’ve already read more of my poetry than anyone else,” Todd replied.

“And what I read was amazing. You’ve got a real talent.”

“I just write what I feel.” It was a subtle confession and Neil clocked onto the fact.

“Your poem… was it about me?”

“I thought that was obvious.” Todd was still standing as he had been when reciting poetry but he was frozen there.

“I really like the ‘binding me in love’ line. It was… relatable.”

Todd’s face was on fire. He wanted to believe this was what he had imagined it might be but he couldn’t look into Neil’s head and he was too self-conscious to ask him outright.

“How, um, how did you relate to it?” Todd’s voice was near inaudible.

Neil smiled at him. Todd couldn’t understand how Neil could smile in a way that made the rest of the world small.

“Because it's how I feel about you, idiot.”

“Oh! I, um, I mean I told you I love you before, I guess.” Todd was fiddling with the buttons on his coat when he spoke. “I mean, you’re my best friend so…”

“Todd,” Neil stood up and moved toward his friend. He was so close Todd couldn’t think straight, he was becoming dizzy from it. “You know it means more than that.”

Neil brought his hand to Todd’s face, tracing light circles onto his cheek with his thumbs.

“I love you, Todd. I think I’ve loved you since I first saw you. You’re perfect to me. You were the only person I let see me, all of me. And you saw all that mess and chose to help me anyway. I know I haven’t been the easiest person for you to deal with but, Todd, I promise I love you more than anyone. Could you let me try and love you like you deserve?”

Todd’s ears were ringing. It felt unreal, that Neil could possibly be telling him this. What could Todd have done to make someone like Neil love him? It was a dream but Todd could embrace a dream if it meant it would come true.

“I love you, too.” Todd didn’t need to say it loudly, Neil was close enough to hear his breathing.

Todd didn’t know what came over to him when he leaned into Neil, when he looked down at his lips and knew he was going to kiss them. He felt the tug towards Neil, a string from his chest to Neil’s was irresistible. Todd didn’t know anything except for the fact that when his lips met Neil’s it was the best thing to ever happen to him.

When they parted Todd was out of breath, giddy and high on adrenaline.

“Poetic enough for you?” Muttered Neil, leaning his forehead against Todd’s.

“Yeah, I can definitely write a poem about that,” Todd smiled.

“I thought I’d be the one to go in for the kiss first.”

“Well, you were too slow.”

They kissed again. And again. They kissed so many times Todd thought his lips would go numb. But he didn’t care, as long as he could spend the entire night doing it over and over.

The sound of birds chirping as daybreak came was what sucked them out of their routine.

“We should get back to the dorm, try and get some sleep,” said Todd.

“I don’t think I’ll ever be able to sleep again after that.”

“You could always stay with me in my bed?” Suggested Todd. “I’m sure you’d get to sleep then.”

Neil grinned, ear to ear. “You sure? I don’t think sleep would be the thing on my mind in that scenario.”

Todd playfully slapped his arm and shook his head. “Let’s go. I don’t need people asking questions about why we weren’t in our rooms.”

“Okay, loverboy,” Neil laughed. “Let’s go back to Helton. But I am taking you up on the offer of staying in your bed, just so I can kiss you until you fall asleep.”

“Sounds perfect.”